I am a cautious dweller: a celebrator of things that have come to be, at the same time relishing the present and holding off on the future until absolutely necessary.
A few weeks ago I attended a wedding with my boyfriend. The initial meeting of present and future was emotionally caustic. A sidenote: since 11th grade I have had a bizarre fear of being sung to in public. I'm not kidding. Naturally, my boyfriend and his friends seem to have a tradition where they
torture sing Aladdin's 'A Whole New World' to the bride at the wedding reception... I haven't witnessed it, but I have seen pictures. I would die. I have had nightmares. I have formed a contingency plan.
I was admiring a decorative lantern at work. I wanted to buy it to put ornaments in to use as a Christmas decoration, but wasn't sure where I would put it. My coworker, who did not know about my boyfriend, simply said "Buy it. You could meet a guy and be married by Christmas!" She was serious. Last Saturday she went on to tell me, upon telling her that I don't want a formal, fancy-schmancy wedding ceremony: "all you have to do is find the groom, I can plan everything else!"
The same coworker found out that I have a boyfriend on Wednesday. Her first question was what kind of stoneware I like best. I somehow survived my work shift - barely, only to run home and have a meltdown. My boyfriend didn't know what to say to make me feel better. I ended up bawling my eyes out for 30 minutes before enlisting my dear friend Brandon for moral support. We don't get to talk very often, but thank goodness he is always there for me when I need him!
I want to enjoy the present, not rush the future - and not be hasty. And I'd prefer to do it without so much interference from people that could be my very own paparazzi. I've been in a serious relationship where marriage seemed to be on the horizon. I know that sometimes love, or something we believe to be love, is a zero sum game. Anytime someone tries to raise the stakes, and cheapen what should make me so happy, I lack grace and compassion to an unfortunate degree.
At work, I closed Thursday and Friday. Thursday was interesting: my day began with getting flowers, from my kind boyfriend, delivered at work, and ended with having a shoplifter escorted by police out of the building.
Saturday I spent at Kennywood with my family, and nephews. It was delightful and exhausting. My poor nephew, Christian, is too little to ride some of the rides - even with a grown up.
Sleep deprived, I somehow made it through Sunday School and Church on Sunday. My grandmother has adopted a baby pug. I crashed Sunday afternoon.
Monday I had a full day of work, a Church meeting, and a surprise late-night date night with my boyfriend for ice cream.
Today I finally stopped. After talking to my boyfriend earlier today, I retreated into my own world. Focused on my to do list and old animated Disney movies, I worked. I focused, I processed, and I relaxed. My brain just works better when I am truly living purposely. I read one of my favorite bloggers, and realized she announced a pregnancy weeks ago - I have been too distracted to even notice!
Things I have learned this summer:
1. I do not mind being the center of attention - if it is on my terms. My grandmother recently commented on the fact that when I was a little girl, if you looked at me the wrong way I would cry. I guess part of my has always been hypersensitive. While I don't care about what people think of me, any situation that makes me aware that people are paying attention to me makes me anxious. Case in point: I honestly had a nightmare about the entire wedding reception serenade scenario. I wouldn't choose to have a big reception with lots of guests. I wouldn't chose to have people sing to me. I would rather resort to self-harm, or run away. Or die [not to be dramatic...] I wouldn't chose to be the center of attention simply for the sake of being the center of attention. But, in college I was a tour guide for years. I was the center of attention for all of those students and their families - but it wasn't really about me. Maybe I've forgotten how to trust people. Though I might wish/hope/pray to die if they did sing to me at my wedding reception, I wouldn't. As long as relaxed enough to not vomit or pass out... I wouldn't actually be harmed. Maybe I just need to be reminded the world isn't always out to get me.
2. Being right isn't the most important thing. Stereotypical epiphany: I've found myself, at work and at home, being in situations that I could clarify or argue, and telling myself that it's not important. Sometimes the argument of right vs wrong is moot point. I don't always have to spell out every detail of my thought process in every situation. God knows my heart. While it might be beneficial for someone to know, sometimes it just doesn't make a difference and the resolution of the situation is more important than the other party knowing your entire side of the story. Maybe that's what happens when we grow up. Maybe that's what being happy does to a person.
3. I should dust off my old hobbies. a) My boyfriend is a mechanical engineer. He loves machines and the technology that makes them tick. I hate technology and machines are like a foreign language to me. You might as well be speaking Mandarin to me. My family was hanging out this weekend; he was having a guy's weekend with his friends. I jokingly (kind of) said that I would adjust to the fact that he likes machines more than me. After the fact he starts to outline more excursions about trains. I do not and probably will not like/understand trains as much as my boyfriend. I would happily go along [sometimes. I'm not completely sure how I'd feel about a 3-day weekend devoted to train chasing...] But I also know that most of my friends have significant others. That's not the case with his friends, and sometimes his friends would prefer me to make myself scarce. b) my boyfriend can get excited about his hobbies. I need to re-energize myself by spending time doing things I enjoy. Namely scrapbooking, playing the French horn, and quilting/sewing: if it makes me sound more like a 60-something instead of a 20-something, it's probably something I enjoy.
4. My Church should be my new hobby. When I was in high school and the first few years of college, a decent portion of my life was centered around activities going on in my Church. That slowly changed. My Church is without a full-time pastor, and seems to be in a state of constant turmoil. Yet, somehow, I feel glimmers of hope. I'd like to get more involved. This might seem a bit crazy, since I'm already a high school Sunday school teacher, on the Christian Education Committee and a Deacon... I just feel like committing myself more will energize me more. I think I'd like to start going to Church for Youth Group. I'm not sure in what capacity yet. I'd either help with youth group (duh) or use the time to see what work needs done for the Sunday school classes. One of the Church members is (from the outside looking in) frazzled, faced with a hectic lifestyle and currently battling health problems, yet she expressed the desire to be part of a Bible study. I'm looking into things that might be appropriate avenues for us to grow in fellowship.
Life is somehow less stressful now. I had a chance to talk to my best friend last week, and discuss my relationship with my boyfriend - who is her cousin, surprise! All responses have been minor. No one has made a 'to-do' or big fuss (thank goodness!), so that is very relaxing and gratifying. My boyfriend, who is sweet and patient, even when I have meltdowns caused by emotions he does not understand, and somehow is always there (even when he doesn't know what to do with me) AND somehow hasn't been scared off by this - yet. :-P Now I can celebrate my birthday, and kick off fall - my favorite season - off with a bang AND my boyfriend! ;-)
Verses that have helped me today:
''For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' -Jeremiah 29:11 [NIV] "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2 [NIV]
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." -Philippians 4:6 [NIV]
God's timing is perfect. He is sovereign, and so kind!
