Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

“The first duty of love is to listen.” -Paul Tillich

My heart has been a little bit heavy these last few days. We are all growing up. Some of our lives are changing; some are not. I am facing the demise of a long friendship.

Partly because of this stressful situation, I already took down and packed away my Christmas tree and all of my decorations. As I was putting all of my non-Christmas decor back in place, I glanced upon a sign I had gotten on a business trip last year. For the past several months, prior to Christmas, it has sat, largely unnoticed, on my bookshelf. It simply states: "a true friend always lifts you up."

For this particular friendship, this has not been the case. Quite the opposite; I believe they bring out the worst in me. Yet I was still struggling with the idea of losing them. One evening, after a particularly dramatic two days, I took a long shower to clear my head. Then it came to me. The passage in James that warns us we should only produce praise or cursing, not both.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."-James 3:9-12 [NIV]

Proverbs also warns us about choosing our friends wisely.

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." -Proverbs 13:20 [ESV]

 

 I decided to reread "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue" by Emily Giffin. I've probably blogged about them before, they are some of my favorites. I just love the depth of emotion they show you, while exploring what it truly means to be a good friend - and what characteristics we exhibit that are not part of being a good friend. I love this quote from "Something Blue":

 

“Love and friendship. They are what make us who we are, and what can change us, if we let them.”

2011 hasn't been an easy year. It's been filled with mistakes, poor choices, and drama. But, thankfully, it generally ended on a high note. Completing another half marathon. Growing up - and making decisions accordingly. I can only hope that these positive events keep happening in 2012. [and that the drama of this waning friendship is kept to a minimum]

Wishing you all happiness as we celebrate a New Year, full of new potential! Happy New Year!!!

Rewind.

I just got some crazy news from a friend. Seriously, crazy news. The kind of news that you see on a television documentary. The kind of news that isn't supposed to happen to people who were raised in America. In a medically advanced country. But I guess that's life...

This got me thinking about the past year. Where I was at this time last year. Who was(not) in my life compared to who is(not) in my life now. How I've changed; how I haven't.

I was looking through old blog entries. It's amazing how a simple phrase can transport you to another time. To the exact feeling. Even the simple description of a dream from a few months ago. A dream I hadn't thought about in months. I remembered every detail.

It's hard to believe it's December. Not to mention that it's already halfway over...
Hindsight is 20/20. Here's to hoping for better vision (the first time around) in 2012!

"What You Bring To It"

"In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock." -Thomas Jefferson

So far, December has been an interesting month. [Okay, the past six weeks have been interesting. Don't even get me started on the last 3 months...] 

We live in an old, circa-1930s, dusty house. I've been cleaning my brother's old room/family game room. For weeks. At least two days a week for the last four weeks anyway. Read: cleaning aka inhaling "vintage" dust until I cannot breathe properly, followed by taking a medical cocktail of albuterol, benadryl, and whatever allergy medicine I can find first and praying I'll be able to breathe when I wake up. Finally, I am essentially done. I have a few more boxes of donations and recyclables; a few stray things yet to be put away. But essentially, it is finished.

Work is work. It is always interesting, for various reasons. 

Life is interesting. I know this sounds crazy, but recently it's really sunk in that I'm not in high school anymore. Let me explain what I mean...

In high school, I was that girl. I tried to talk, and get along with, everybody. I got good grades, and was very involved. I was involved in FOURTEEN groups/activities (that I can remember). I was always told I was a flirt (who me?) and at one point gave up dating for an entire year on a bet, just to prove I could. What can I say? I loved high school, and high school loved me.

That's the thing about high school though. I was one of the lucky ones. Sure, I have a few scaring memories from junior high. Who doesn't? But high school was my play ground. I had a few casual boyfriends. More than a few casual dates to school dances. I didn't take life too seriously and came out on top. I guess you could say that's my inner free spirit. I tried to be friends with everyone, which was easy since I was in so many organizations.

 While I coasted through life, making memories and enjoying high school to the fullest, I have some clues to what it felt on the other end of the spectrum. Teammates who were misunderstood at school, and friends who supplied the sarcastic, caustic social remarks. 

But I'm not in high school, or even college, anymore. And it occurs to me that high school may have had it wrong anyway. I was looking for words to explain how I feel and I found this on a website:

I immediately zoomed in on "...keep finding out what makes you feel happiest and this oftentimes will be the easiest thing for you to do."

Here are a few more gems I found:

"There is only one success - to spend your life in your own way." -Christopher Morley

"We can travel a long way and do many things, but our deepest happiness is not born from accumulating new experiences. it is born from letting go of what is unnecessary, and knowing ourselves to be always at home." -Sharon Salzberg

"In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on, and even, frankly, worth divorcing over, both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get. "Deserves" is not the point. And "owes" is certainly not the point. The point is to make the other person as happy as we can, because their happiness adds to ours. The point is -- in the right hands, everything that you give, you get." -Amy Bloom

and last, but not least

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

I must admit I've been wrong about certain things. Wrong, or reluctant to realize, I suppose. It turns out people, at least the ones I know, are remarkably non-judgmental and amazingly supportive. My coworker at work, after our shift last night, takes the cake. And that's why I love her. Now I think I know what I want; I just have to figure out how to get it.

"I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered it's not what the world holds for you. It's what you bring to it." -Anne Shirley

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Rainy Days and Mondays...

"You know you're going to marry him right?"
"I already told you that. You said you'd kill me first."
"I know. The offer still stands."

[I love my friends]

 But sometimes, that's not enough.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea”. -Isak Dinesen



Today was just one of those days. The days where you work all day, yet somehow you don't seem to complete anything. I made progress in several areas. Yet I completely finished nothing.

I can be thankful that I have the luxury of not finishing tasks. I can go to sleep in my comfortable bed, in the shelter of my house, and (hopefully) sleep peacefully until I wake up tomorrow. Then I can try again.

I can be thankful that I have access to medicine to help me somewhat comfortable when I am not feeling well.

I can be thankful that I have friends who will listen to me when I am frustrated, overjoyed, or just need to talk. Whether they agree, disagree, or even understand, they are there and willing to listen when I ask.

I can be thankful for my cats. I got their mother, Grace, at Church on a Sunday morning. I wasn't thrilled when she had two kittens. Little did I know Grace would get cancer, and I would need her babies to keep an eye on me. They remind me that affection is important. That the only necessities in life are food, water, shelter, and rest. Naps are underrated. Also, cats are great listeners. They don't always do what you ask, but they always listen. They are always aware of what you are saying, of what is going on around them.

Most importantly, I can be thankful that I have a [somewhat] dependable car that gets me where I need to be, and hold a decent amount of stuff. This will help me cross a few things off of my to-do list tomorrow.

I can be thankful for tomorrows.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." -Isaiah 58:11

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." -Psalm 29:11

heart. broken.

"How's your heart?"

"It's a little bit broken"

 

 

 

 

 

"Love never dies a natural death.
 It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.
 It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
 It dies of illness and wounds;
 it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
 - Anais Nin

 
“In quiet moments
                    when you think about it,

          you recognize what is critically important in life
                                                                                 and what isn't.

Be wise
      and don't let good things crowd out those that are essential.”





-Elder Richard G. Scott

Holiday Hangover

I'm still alive! All of my baking was a success! Last night I made chocolate lava cakes which were a huge hit - and super easy! That temporarily wraps up my holiday baking. (You know... until next weekend. I desperately need more sugar cookies!) Today I have class, and I was supposed to have the rest of the day off. Naturally, things never go as planned - so I'm working 1-close. Boo... I did a lot of cleaning yesterday. The unfortunate part of living in an old house is that dust + my allergies = misery the morning after. Yuck!

So far this season, I have baked five pies (1 pear, 1 pecan, 2 pumpkin and 1 lemon meringue), 3 loaves of banana bread, 1 batch of sugar cookies (already decimated), chocolate pecan fudge, 2 types of buffalo dip, and those lava cakes. I think that's it. (I think... who knows) And I've been making lots of popcorn, with butter and Parmesan cheese. It's my latest obsession! So I spent most of my holiday weekend happily in the kitchen! My best friend, the PDA-prone one, got engaged! She came over to my house Saturday morning before I was going to work. I hadn't had my second cup of caffeine yet, and I think I was slightly confused as to why she was coming. Then she pulled her hand out of her coat pocket and I think I just stared at it, still slightly confused. (That second cup of tea really does make all the difference...) While I think I was in shock, and not awake enough to supply a super exuberant response, her sister made up for it.

Upside: my best friend is getting married!
Downside: my best friend is getting married...

This is where the (mental) hangover comes in. This means I should work out more regularly. You know, if I want to enjoy looking back on these wedding photos later. Also, I guess this means I have to grow out my hair. AGAIN. Okay, these minor details aside... Seriously, there are certain people who think I should be married by now! More like I should have gotten married yesterday! At work, two of my coworkers are pregnant, and they also know my best friend so I know I'm going to be bombarded with questions... Seriously, my coworker thought I was going to tell her that I eloped in Florida! I'm not eloped, not married, not pregnant! Can't people take a chill pill? There is a front staff Christmas party this weekend. I must admit, if it means talking about the engagement all night, I'm not looking forward to it. I need a diversionary tactic...

Dolphins! It's perfect! Everyone loves dolphins...right? And tale-less dolphins get you bonus points! (Yeah... like that will work...) I could distract them with food! If I took my cinnamon rolls, they couldn't talk while they were eating! At the very least, I have to work the next morning so I can use that to excuse an early exit if needed.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12: 12

Oh well, until then I'm focused on the "game room": aka a room that used to be my older brother's. He didn't clean out all of his stuff when he moved. Neither did my parents. They did put more stuff in it... So now, how many years later, it's a disaster. A disaster that I am slowly cleaning, reorganizing and arranging. (Hence death by allergies) I'd really, really like to completely finish it by Christmas. This whole work thing is overrated...

Thanksgiving Eve

Here I sit. Waiting for my dough to rise. It will be a superb breakfast of my legendary cinnamon rolls tomorrow morning. Drinking tea and snacking. I've realized: I'm going to need more sugar cookies. WHY did I only make one batch? How long did I REALLY think they were going to last. I've eaten four myself, waiting for my dough.

I have been a baking machine this week. In preparation for Thanksgiving I made said batch of sugar cookies, chocolate pecan fudge, and two variations of buffalo dip on Monday. Followed by four pies (one pear, two pumpkin, and one pecan), banana bread, and two extra crusts (one is baked, one is not). The pie dough I made from scratch, six pie crusts in all. The pumpkin I cleaned, gutted, baked, pureed and strained myself. The pears are from our aged pear tree; they are too tough to eat as is, but after I washed, peeled and cored them, they were great in the pie! I took five bananas from the freezer and pureed those for the banana bread. And the pecan pie. (The baked pie crust is reserved for a lemon meringue pie this weekend.) All with eggs from our own chickens. We're very farm-friendly people.

Needless to say, once I roll out the dough for my cinnamon rolls, add the sugar, roll them up and cut them, I will be off the hook! Free to enjoy my Thanksgiving. We are grilling our turkey this year. Mostly, because my mom thought a 26lb turkey would be a great idea. That is a lot of turkey. It is possible to fit it in our oven, but why do that when you can fit it in our grill? The men have to play with their toys, too. I will get to eat cinnamon rolls, watch the parade and "It's a Wonderful Life" - afterall, Indiana, PA is the hometown of Jimmy Stewart, it's only natural! Maybe the dog show too, though that always makes me want a dog...

It's time to check my dough. I've worked all day and I'm quite sleepy. I'm crossing my fingers it's good to go...

Thanksgiving

It's Saturday!!! This means that after one more shift, I have another long weekend. A long weekend to think about everything that has happened in the last week, how it should (and should not) affect me in the long run. Recent work developments have been... interesting. I can't focus on that right now. I need to get ready for the holidays. [Okay, maybe I've already decorated. I only have one miniature 18" tree that remains undecorated... but I haven't watched any Christmas movies!] I mostly have to help my family get ready for the holidays. [Cue forced annual viewing of "White Christmas" with my mom and brothers.] And cleaning up some old stuff in my brother's room and getting rid of it before my mom can notice...

This week I'm going to take a step back and take the time to enjoy. Last night I finally watched "Sweet November"; I love that movie! Of course I was all snuggled up with a mug of hot tea. The Christmas tree was lit, and my little man, of the feline persuasion, was purring next to me. Not a bad way to spend an evening! I'm bound for work soon, again. After work, the first immediate thing on my to-do list this weekend is going shopping with my baby brother! And later this week, next week really, watching that movie about those vampires with my best friend! Until then, I guess other movies will have to do. I'm also really, really looking forward to running while the sun is still shining! It makes such a difference! Night runs in the winter are no fun...

the A B C's of Me: the Vacation Edition!!!

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." - Romans 8: 28 [KJV]

and hey, KJV, happy birthday!!! you'll always be my fav!!!

moving on...

So I took my extended vaca, and I'm back in the swing of things now. But I got to do some deep thinking first. Here goes:

 

1. I am very stubborn. Even when things don't go my way, I will do everything I can to see it through. Case in point: I originally scheduled this trip with the intention of seeing a friend while I was there. I ended up spending the entire week solo. (Or at least without anyone I already knew.)

 

 

2. Before I try something new, or am faced with a great task, I feel paralyzing fear. But once I'm pushed out of my comfort zone to the point of "no return" I'm fine. I thrive and am completely at ease. Case in point: flying 1,000 miles to rent a car for the first time and drive around a state I hadn't set foot in for 22 years. (If you can't do the math, the last time I was in Florida I was only four.) (FYI: I got into a fender-bender in my rental, handled it on my own, and lived to tell about it. Take that adulthood!)

3. Sometimes I get God. In the weeks prior to my trip, I became aware that things with my friend might not come together. As the last window of opportunity to see my friend came to a close, it was heartbreaking because I knew I had allowed the friendship to become a distraction. I knew I had put more active energy into that relationship than into my relationship with Christ. I knew what would happen; I think part of me wanted it to happen. Such a morbid display of human kind reminds us of the eternal good that is found in Christ. Even while I was intrinsically melancholy, I also knew that it was a necessary outcome and would ultimately bring me to a better place. (See Romans 8: 28 above)

4. When I am in between a rock and a hard place, I can fly! (See #2) I was, for whatever reason, terrified about getting my passport, about pulling everything together for Africa. Even though I had a feeling I would not see my friend on my trip, and was feeling a bit down about that, AND feeling nervous about planning for Africa, I made myself get my butt in gear. On Halloween, the day before I left for my trip, I applied for my passport and clearances. One clearance was back before I even got home. My passport was in within 10 days. The last clearance came in today. Less than three weeks. God is so good.

 

 

 

5. I'm a glutton for punishment. And I love it. I went on one run in each of the first two weeks in October and didn't run at all the rest of the time before the race. That's three weeks without any running at all. Five weeks with two measly runs totaling less than 7 miles. Followed by a 13.1 mile run in one morning. As my very wise friend said to me that morning, "but you'll make it, your thrive on destroying yourself." He was right. I do, and I did. Somehow everything is faster during a race. My sprints are faster. My mile pace is faster. Seriously! A month sans running and I still hit a new half-marathon PR!!!

6. Sometimes I'm too hard on other people. I forget that they can surprise you, if you let them. I ran with two remarkable ladies. I came home and had a fund raiser for my Africa trip. I was overwhelmed with all of the love and support I have received so far. I even discussed my trip with one of my managers at work and she took the idea of me being gone much better than I had anticipated. God is so, so good.

7. I really like driving. (I just wanted to put that out there.)

8. I am a "capital T" T-U-L-I-P, for all you Calvinists out there, and I should be. The man upstairs has been looking out for me. I planned a few specific adventures for this trip. But then I thought I was just going to an aquarium, because it seemed like a fun way to kill some time, and it turned out it was the aquarium from Dolphin Tale. Winter, the dolphin the movie revolves around, is really there and really tale-less. My parents took me to Sea World, in Ohio, every summer up, until it was purchased by Geauga Lake. This experience was beyond cool in my book!

Oh, and I pet some stingrays, too!!!

9. I adore my family. The experiences of the past few weeks have allowed me to become aware on a different level of the bonds we share. Including taking my "baby" brother shopping for the first time. At Old Navy. We got into credit cards, rewards points, and credit scores... they grow up so fast! (touche, but true)

 

Home Sweet Home!!!

I'm back, and a busy busy bee!!!

But here's a tease sneak preview of my vacation highlights:

Here's to Another Sweet November

er... Happy Halloween?

No tricks this year; my treat is a week in Florida!!!

Fall

I love fall. And I love Halloween. I love Halloween mostly because a) it seems to be an integral part of fall b) gives me an excuse to dress like an idiot (er in a costume) in public and c) because it is the kickoff of the holiday season in my opinion. I always watch Sweet November in the beginning of November. Since I'm going on vacation on November 1st, I'm just going to have to watch it on Halloween.

As the holidays are approaching, it boggles my mind to think how much I have been through in the last 18 months. Graduating college. Witnessing the marriage of four dear friends. Experiencing the demise of my brother's marriage. Cleaning out my closet. (seriously.) Going on a business trip with my boss; my boss being let go almost immediately after our return. My work life doing a 180. Investing myself in two different relationships. Three months ago I planned this vacation with the intent of seeing someone. Now that its almost here, I'd just as soon spend the time alone. I am indifferent. Even in the last month there is a drastic change. I think it's a positive one.

Life isn't easy. Life is messy. But it's better than we deserve.

Life is so much more when we engage it, embrace it. Experiences are everything. Colors are brighter, memories are more vivid, love is stronger - even sleep is more restful. I may come with baggage, but I wouldn't change it. (Which is good, because I can't.) I'm a child of dysfunction. Bearing the scars of divorce (one set of grandparents, three sets of aunts/uncles) and familial discord. I hope this helps me better appreciate relationships in my life. I hope one day this helps me create a better home for my family.

For now, I marvel at the changes and rejoice in a soft bed.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

Blessings

Today was such a blessed day!

I'm thankful for good friends, hot tea, motivated staff meetings, dinners with family, and productive evenings. It's amazing how small tasks (that seem so big) can be tackled so swiftly, and change your entire perspective. Also, in about an hour, faced with another long day of work tomorrow, I'm going to be especially grateful for a clean bed and a cool pillow.

Intelligence

I did attack my bookshelf yesterday. I did not take allergy medicine. Which means I feel like I've been hit by a train. awesome. (Okay, I was also burning candles... maybe that was it. No candles until I'm back from my half marathon just in case.) I also baked. I made a batch of chocolate chip scones, and then wrapped them in aluminum foil. I can just pop them in the toaster oven to warm up and there I go: the breakfast of champions! (See, sometimes I do make intelligent choices.) You can see what Merriam-Webster says about intelligence here. To me, intelligence is interpreting information in context and making the most appropriate choice. I know I need to eat breakfast, and I know I need to get to work early. Viola, the scone plan is born.

In Bible study, we've been reanalyzing some of our favorite "children's" Bible stories. All but two of them were Old Testament. The Old Testament is about obeying God, plain and simple. Things are announced as matter-of-fact, there is not a relationship tone (as we see in the New Testament). At first glance, rereading our stories in context, most of us had to wonder "why was this a children's story?!" The two stories I presented were Lot (that's a real upper!) and Daniel in the lions den (par-tay!) BUT when the stories were read, truly in context, things made sense. We could pull out the greater themes. Find the greater good, despite the horrible events.

Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, but God used that to help Abraham understand, and ultimately deepen Abraham's faith in God. Lot hadn't been doing what God had asked of him; he could have perished in the city as well. Even though he had compromised on God's standards, God was still merciful. Even though God had heard how terrible the injustice of Sodom and Gomorrah had become, He still sent angels to see the cities first hand. He had to make sure things were unchanged before He acted out judgment. He takes the control of our lives very seriously, because He loves us.

The lions den was not so bad in comparison to the story of Lot. The only hard part is when the accusers, along with their families and children, were thrown into the lions den. I like this story. It's a testament to the dilemma of who you want to be: do you want to be cool or do you want to be trustworthy?

My current dilemmas:

Work: adapting to new coworkers, and new dynamics that come with the new coworkers. new expectations. good expectations, but poor execution in achieving those expectations.

Church: general growing pains.

Africa: I can only do so much so fast. People keep asking questions that they want set answers to. Set answers are something I cannot provide just yet.

Running: two weeks. yikes!

Time: never enough

Today I have class and a meeting. I also want to go running and check off my to-do list. Maybe more baking... Pulling out the suitcase and starting to pack and finding a rental car. (yikes!) Hopefully some quiet devotion time, including time to look at my dilemmas intelligently and face them accordingly. Happy Tuesday!!!

I'm in a Box!!!

Last night we had our homeless experience. I have to say it was pretty awesome!

First, we set up our boxes, aka "Hooverville", for the night and prepped a fire. We were going to make things as hard as possible for the youth, but a congregation member gave them a lighter to start a fire. Lucky ducks...

Then we all shared stories, mostly told by the adults, of people we had come across personally or heard through others and the hardships they've had to face.

Our congregation is awesome! We were only surviving on whatever was donated to us. We were given hobo beans, cornbread, bananas, applesauce, soda, marshmallows, homemade buns, more homemade buns and meatloaf. We were also donated plastic wear, cups and plates. The adults decided what we would eat (hobo buns, cornbread, banana, homemade buns and meatloaf) and what we would donate to the local homeless shelter (everything else). Since we were donating our plastic wear, cups and plates, we would need to barter with a local resident to get utensils to eat dinner. We decided the marshmallows would be our item of most value and we set out to find someone to trade with.

Here is a picture of the youth bartering their marshmallows for plastic wear and plates.

Our view for the night. Life is rough...


We allowed the youth to bring the clothes on their back, a coat, and a blanket OR sleeping bag. No cellphones, iPods, electronics, pillows, etc. Everyone had only a box for shelter. We did have a fire for warmth. We were outside for about 20 hours. No technology, no connection to the outside world. Just each other. And it was great!

We were also donated hot water and hot chocolate mix. We didn't have any way to keep it hot, but minor details. Our minister for the day slept out with us and used that in her children's sermon. The hot water was a good thing. It was a gift that we really needed. It warmed us up after we had been outside for about 6 hours. It was a good thing. But sometimes good things can become bad things. All of the little individual good things in our lives can turn into one big crazy distraction. A mess of signals and emotions distracting us from God. There was another minister in town for the weekend who stopped over to see us last night. He told us his subject to preach on this weekend: worship. His topic for the sermon was how humans were created for worship. The devil isn't trying to get us to not worship - he just wants us to not worship God. This pastor said: "if you don't think you have adultery in your life, then turn off ESPN." [context: he said this to a congregation in western Pennsylvania, aka the Steeler Nation; not to mention college football, namely PSU and PITT.] Football is kindof a big deal here. Where Church attendance, and attire, is a reflection of the football schedule. A good, harmless thing that can end up dragging us down spiritually.

Since I've been getting rid of things for the past year, this is something that is comfortable to me. An area where I know I can push myself out of my comfort zone, without losing too much comfort in the end. Last night as I was laying in my box. With only the most basic needs of shelter met, I was thinking about the stuff that is still in my room. The "could, should, would"s. My friend referenced the 90 day rule to me and it just has stuck in the back of my mind. I've gotten rid of lots of things. So I should be more available to focus on what's left, right? I have a lot of books, for one, that I haven't read still sitting on my bookshelf because it's a book, classic or otherwise, that I "should" read. I have a few miscellaneous items that I "could" use. But is "would" ever going to become "will" or "do"? And even if it's a classic, even if it's a Christian book, if it's ultimately distracting me from the Bible, how good is it really? 

Thankfully, tomorrow is yet another day off. It will be another relaxed day. Some more cleaning. Attacking the bookshelf. And hopefully lots of quiet time to reflect. Our Bible discussed a reading plan tonight, so I hope to start that tomorrow as well. I'm pretty sure there was at least one other thing I wanted to discuss, but inhaling all of the smoke from the fire last night must have effected me because I cannot remember what it was at all... Either way my little man, of the feline persuasion, is still miffed at me for not coming home last night. Apparently I have to go to bed, so he can relax and go to bed. Silly (yet adoringly devoted) animals!

To Live is Christ

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Within the past few years I've noticed this quote getting a lot of use in my circle of friends. The problem is, I think the guys have started to catch on. "Hey, I think you're beautiful." which really means: "Sure, you're religious and I'm not, and I go out to bars and you don't, but I think you're beautiful so maybe we could give it a shot?" Story of my life. Please find a new pickup line. This one's broken. Better luck next time...

It has been a rough week, and I haven't been able to run either, so I'll admit it: I'm a little bit touchy. To make matters worse, we've been planning a homeless experience for the junior and senior high schoolers. They all seemed excited at first, but now I'm not exactly sure how many are attending. Okay, okay - I know, they're teenagers... but still! Even my two brothers aren't joining me. We were originally planning to spend the night outside. My mom was not a fan. It's going to be too cold anyway, so we're staying out until midnight and then sleeping in the church. They still aren't coming. I think they just aren't prepared to disconnect from all forms of technology for that long... but that's just my take on the situation.

I think the most disappointing aspect for me is just the attitudes that have come to light through planning this experience. We've done it before - in November! - so it's not a new thing, though it has been a few years (7?) And our pastor is no longer here. I think if there are things going on that individuals do not agree with, they should examine the issue. First to see why they don't agree with it, and second to determine if their opinion is correct or misguided. I understand my mom's concern over being outside all night - but I still don't agree with it. We don't live in the tundra, one night in the cold won't kill us. And, even if we were still sleeping outside, we're allowed to bring sleeping bags! There is no "best" time to be homeless. In the winter, people worry about being out in the cold. If we had done this in the summer, people would be worried about hydration. (We aren't taking food or water with us either.) To me the whole point is experiencing someone else's pain. If I were actually homeless, I wouldn't be able to pick and choose my housing status based on weather patterns... Like I said, I think my brother's are just piggy-backing on my mom's concerns to ensure a night with the usual comforts. TV, xbox, computer, internet, cellphone... they're connected to their electronics. [Maybe I was adopted afterall...] Jesus didn't ask the disciples to spend one night outside. He asked them to leave the comforts of home permanently.

I remember growing up and going to summer camp. I went to a Christian camp. I remember one counselor commenting that everyone, except for Christ, in our lives would hurt us - even our "soul mates" (if that's what you call them). I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. If that was true why would people bother getting married? I've never considered myself to really have the stereotypical Christian upbringing (though who knows, maybe it's more stereotypical than I think). As I've grown I've encountered numerous hurts and disappointments. I feel like certain incidents, in regards to my parents, this fall have cemented my unrest with my parents. To the point that a) I don't want them to think they have any input in my choosing whom I want to marry and b) at this point, I don't really care if they attend or not. I don't even know if I want to have a formal ceremony/reception! (Though I would deal with it, if the guy wanted one.) I know that sounds harsh, but when I was 18 my older brother got married and my father did not attend. Any chance of the "fairytale wedding" spiel ended there. If I find someone who is a supportive, caring guy and a Christian that makes decisions as a reaction to Christianity, not other people, that is more than enough for me.

"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died." -Galatians 6:14

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." -Philippians 3:8

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." -Philippians 1:21

I Think I'm In Love...

You can get the story behind this adorable photo here.

LOVE This!!!

 

And people say nothing good comes from Facebook...

Why Worry

 Last night I spent the evening with my little man. I fed him some broth, until I discovered that he will just keep eating. Like a catfish. I don't know if little ones worry about food security, after all his mom was just on the couch - still in eyesight, but he ate and ate and ate. He nursed shortly after I fed him the broth, and he ate until he spit up, probably because there was no more room in his little stomach. Our miniature glutton... Insert joy of returning messy babies to their biological parents, lol!

Then we have Lindsay Lohan, who is probably going to jail. Again. For not doing what most of society probably considers to be reasonable tasks after her legal history: community service, psychological counseling, and a Shoplifters Anonymous course. Of course she's been in this legal do-se-do since 2007 and served a mere 14 days of her last jail sentence. Obviously she's gotten away with it without severe ramifications so far; who needs accountability?

Babies that eat as if it's their last meal. Adults who ignore punishment because others enable them too. It's a problem across the board - in the world, and in the Church. The Church I've grown up in focuses so much on the "do not judge" mentality. [Matthew 7:1-6] It's one thing to strive to not cast harsh judgments, but it's another thing to have no accountability. I got into a debate about this with my high school students a few weeks ago. Good times right?

Baby catfish. Lindsay Lohan and lost accountability. Are you still with me?

As for me? My current, blatant, shortcoming is worry. Somewhere after seeing the baby I've started to affectionally call "catfish" and before reading the latest on the saga of Lindsay Lohan, I attempted to *ahem* plan out some details for this whole Africa deal. That went really well, friends... I think all I did was give myself an anxiety attack. Wondering if I still have enough time. Wondering how on earth "I" can pull it together. Yet still knowing that "I" will not be "pulling" anything together. "If God brings me to it, HE will bring me through it." All that jazz... I even took a shower in an attempt to wind down a bit. No dice. Needless to say, I laid in bed for an hour and a half before even falling asleep. I said the Lord's prayer three times. [I'm not sure precisely when the habit started. I'm pretty sure it involved a dentist's visit without Novocaine...] I tried my best to quote Matthew 6:25-34 by memory. When I went to Church camp I remember one of my cabin-mates making up a rhyme to memorize it. Unfortunately I can't remember the tune, or the entire scripture, but at least I memorized the important points. Either way, the Lord's prayer works much better. I find it works best if you actually are cognizant of the words you're praying. "Thy will be done" "Thine is the kingdom" Good stuff. Still almost two hours before I could sleep though. Now I get to go to work. Nothing like working almost double the amount of hours you've slept, am I right?

  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:25-34

Good Things

Yesterday I had the day off. For the record, I also had last Monday off. I know what you're thinking: "Jess, that's two days off after working two full months!" And you'd be correct. Yesterday was a good day. I watched movies and ripped apart my room, again. I'm slowly, methodically, getting rid of things that I don't really need. My room is slowly becoming devoid of things. This is great for the cats. They love to explore. And/or take naps in new spots I've created. Also, I cleaned the fish tank... you can bet that I caught Lucius clawing at the glass today! It was just a good day all around. So today I'm thankful for days off, for fall cleaning, and days to take care of myself. I like to be alone. I love alone time; I relish alone time. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, so when I get a chance I stop. Everything. I ignore my cell phone and debate with myself. Pros and cons. "Should"s, "would"s, and "could"s. One of my best friends was trying to get me to come over yesterday. Even tried bribing me with stir-fry. It was a very close call, but ultimately, I'm glad I stayed at home. I accomplished more things, and I feel refreshed.

Things have been challenging me. We completed our first Sunday without our pastor, who had been there for 18 years. My presentation for the Session was a success. I've mentioned before that I tend to shy away. I'm the one hiding in the corner. I am generally not bold in my faith. [I have a vivid memory of a couple at Bible study praying for boldness in their faith, and that has stuck with me.] Because I am uncomfortable when I am trying to be bold, I like to be uber-prepared. I generally overcompensate because I forget that the people I'm presenting for are often less conservative than I am. That is to say that their lifestyle choices are not so obviously a reflection of Christianity. So I presented more information than they probably needed to hear, but oh well.

The other side of this equation of course, is finding out how I mesh with people who do not live their lives according to the same belief set. That is the challenge of the year, evidently. Lots to work through...

"Let us give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for man, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." -Psalm 107:8-9

In Everything Give Thanks

I've been experiencing some challenges lately. It's easy to become distracted by changes in interpersonal relationships, but ultimately, I have to remember how blessed I am.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18 [NIV]

I purchased a magnetic sign for my room that says "in everything give thanks" along with the black baseboard to hold it. It's a reminder to myself, as well as a challenge, to remember that things could always be worse and that my life isn't so bad. I have family, shelter, and food - and a job.

Leap of Faith: Part 1

"I'm off to see the Session" [sung to "I'm off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz]

Since 2008 I have had an iron in my heart burning for Africa.

Tonight, I am attending the Session meeting at my Church to present my plan and hopefully get permission to hold a information session and fundraiser for the members of my Church that would like to support my journey. But I'm not inherently bold when it comes to my faith and my tiny heart is beating a million miles a minute... Hopefully, I can be bold and convey the love and spirit I have experienced these past three years following the ministry I hope to intern with! *cross your fingers*

Bad Blood

If you've been keeping track, I have a few topics to finish posting on...

As my next race nears, I am beginning to feel beat up. The littlest, most inconsequential things can lead to nagging discomfort. (Case in point: I currently have this calf thing, but I have no memory of doing anything to strain or tweak my calf... Annoying.)

Thankfully the human anatomy was meticulously designed and wonderfully made.

PDA: public display(s) of affection. Of course the general connotation insinuates romantic affection. It get such a bad rap. A rap that I tend to agree with, to be honest. As much as I am happy that you're happy, I don't need to spend my afternoon seeing just how happy you are... Enter stereotypical comment: "Get a room!" But has the negative view of public displays of affection in romantic relationships devalued displays of affection in non-romantic relationships? When's the last time you hugged your best friend? When's the last time you had any physical contact with a loved one other than your significant other? I realize it is a slippery slope. That perhaps there is a fear that if non-romantic displays of affection are considered appropriate, "aren't we just telling our kids that it's okay to show affection to their boy/girl-friend?" [To this argument, I would point out that I'm not going to make out with my best friend so I would hope my child wouldn't assume it's okay to make out with their boy/girl-friend.] I suppose it goes back to parenting preferences, but the topic of showing romantic/non-romantic affection is something to ponder...

Without affection our spirit begins to wither. I know mine certainly does.

When I'm feeling especially beaten up after a long run I take a nice cold bath. An ice bath. Nice is a relative word in this context... Body heat increases with activity and then you induce vasoconstriction by taking an ice bath after said activity you induce minor hypothermia in a controlled setting. The vessels constrict. They shrink. They want to preserve the body and so they shrink so they can pump the blood away from the extremities, to the abdomen and back to the heart. In an emergency situation, this would prolong life, giving your body more time to wait for the "arrival" of different surroundings or rescue. In training, it simply removes as much blood as possible, within reason, from the area. When you warm up again the area is immediately flushed with fresh, oxygenated blood. The advantage of this is to a) minimize injury b) improve healing time and c) reduce lactic acid buildup.

I don't always like running. I don't want to wake up early to run. I don't want to leave the comforts of my house to go outside to subject myself to hard work (on a good day) or torture (on a not-so-good day.) I run because it's good for my body. Physically I feel stronger. I can perceive changes in my body. Psychologically I feel clearer, emotionally invigorated and relaxed at the same time. It helps me keep things in perspective. Vasoconstriction is not comfortable, but I know it helps my body in the long run. Old blood out, fresh blood in.

I woke up earlier than I usually do on a Sunday. I am trying to accept certain truths in my life, whether I like them or not. My first step is to just not think about them. I rearranged my collage boards. I switched out pictures in frames, and put a fun scrapbook paper print in one frame that I couldn't find another picture for. Just to make things feel fresh and new. I don't know exactly what inspired it, but I was thinking about memories today. How many of our "good memories" are merely memories that we associate with positive emotions - but are not actually positive, or even notable, events in our lives? That's tough. This fall I hope to distinguish between postive memories and memories that just happen to have a positive mood association. Old blood out, fresh blood in. As a Christian, I'd like to learn to appreciate the events that God would also appreciate. The small acts of kindness and the struggle of forgiveness. Old blood out, fresh blood in. And I'd like to make choices that will make this easier. Like signing off now and relaxing - and going to sleep early. Old blood out, fresh blood in.

"In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace."-Ephesians 1:7 [NIV]

Growth Spurt

Today was an unexpectedly hectic day. I couldn't actually tell you the last time I had a day off. Considering this, my coworker only scheduled me for a half day. Good in thought; bad in practice. I didn't actually leave until 3.5 hours after I was supposed to have left. (Upside: God loves me and I somehow evaded a parking ticket. Work was so busy I didn't think about feeding my meter, nor would I have had time.)

So after a full day of work, I made it home. I'm thankful I made it to my house in one piece because I didn't eat breakfast before going to work. I didn't take breaks to eat. I'm not even sure I took breaks to go to the bathroom... But as I walked to my car, I was beginning to feel slightly light-headed. Pulling into the driveway without any automobile mishaps was definitely a plus. I spent some time unwinding with my parents. (If you can call it that.) We ate dinner and then I went to a Christian Education Committee meeting at Church.

With my Pastor's impending departure (this is his last Sunday), things are getting tense. Decisions are being made quickly, possibly too quickly. There is the fear that decisions have been made without discernment and they might cause future hardships. Of course moot point: anything could cause future hardships.

At this meeting I had a breakthrough. A Christ moment. I know I've been doing this a lot lately... but this deserves an entirely separate post. I'm just amazed at how, when I am focused on living for Christ and according to His word, everything that I'm wrestling with seems to be revealed to me!

Upside Downside

October!!!

Upside: It's October!!! The kickoff of fall and the holiday season, pumpkins galore, cozy fall days, and Halloween. I'm a sucker for all holidays!

Downside: It's October... The 1st was a rainy day (which I spent outside for work at the local homecoming parade.) The 2nd was a rainy day. And the 3rd is looking equally rainy. I actually love rainy days. I love them even more when I get to stay in bed, or snuggle on the couch, wrapped up in a cozy blanket with a hot mug of tea, a good book or a great movie. Unfortunately, this sudden change in weather has led to a drop in barometric pressure and an increase in sinus pain. If you've never experienced this phenomena consider yourself one lucky duck! Me? With my father's superior genes... I'll be picking up some decongestant at work today.


My Best Friend's Boyfriend!!!

Upside: He's a really nice guy and I'm glad their happy together.

Downside: I'd rather that they were happy far, far away from me. When it comes to relationships, my best friend and I are both very monogamous and devoted to our boyfriends. She just takes it to another level. This weekend she told me she couldn't talk to me on the phone, because she had to hurry up and get to boyfriend's house because, after all, "he was waiting for her." Um. You've seen him every weekend since July minus one. And you've seen me significantly less than that. Best friends of 13 years remember? But wait folks... it gets better. He is always there. When we discuss plans she always includes him. (It's still fairly new, this is just a phase. Right?...) And they love PDA more than any couple I've ever met... We were all at boyfriend's house this weekend watching TV. It was cute, he made us hot chocolate. He offered to let me pick the TV show (though I declined instead of attempting to figure out how to work his remote.) They started off simply holding hands. The next thing, I look over and boyfriend has his arm wrapped around her. (I can't find a picture to portray what I mean, but I do not mean he simply had it wrapped around her shoulder.) Sure, that's cool. Don't mind me. I'll just slowly try to sink into the opposite end of the couch.

Yes, I have tried to think through my feelings? Am I just jealous? Nope, not it. Do I envy her happiness? Nope, I'm happy she's happy. Have I ever displayed an excessive amount of PDA that deserves pay-back? Possible I suppose, but doubtful. And I'm pretty sure my last possibility of PDA was long enough ago that she would have forgotten. Do I get annoyed by PDA easily? Evidently... I can generally tolerate holding hands, even strolling arm and arm. Just don't make me contemplate using the jaws of life to pry you apart when we are sitting on the couch together. Is that really too much to ask?

I was trying to think if I knew any other couples that love PDA. Perhaps I just have an especially conservative circle of friends, but quite frankly the only other "PDA happy" couples I know got married - and then divorced. At Bible Study last night, I was thinking about the married couple who hosts and opens their home to us. It made me think about "PDA": what it is concerned in our culture, what we stereotypically think of when we hear the term, what smaller gestures should really be considered PDA. [another segue for a future post!]


Half-Marathon!!!

Upside: Only five more weeks! I can only keep on doing what I've been doing and hope for the best!

Downside: Only five more weeks! No miracles at this point...


What are the upsides and downsides in your life? How do you stay focused on the upsides?

Pretty in Pink

Yesterday, if you couldn't guess, was another 10 hour shift. Not only that, but yesterday was our (unannounced) State inspection. Awesome. Then a staff meeting. And by the last few hours of my day, I was just glad I was working with Trish. (See previous entry for a highlight of our work conversations... laughter abound.)

The luxury of not being married, not having kids, and working an unusual schedule gives me the opportunity to sleep as much as my body needs. 9 full hours. I'd love to be an 8 hours or less sort of person. I remember fondly the days when I could get by with 6 - or even 3. But working 40 hours a week and training for a marathon? I need more sleep than that. After a night of restful sleep (thank goodness!) I didn't really want to do anything. I especially didn't want to run. Because I am working full-time, my general thought process for my free time is something like this: "how much time do I have? should I go running? I know I should go running, so I don't die in __ weeks, but what about cleaning up ______? what about doing ______?" Good times, right?

Today I did not want to run, but knowing my work schedule was going to interfere with my training schedule next week I gathered up my clothes. I did not want to run. And then I put on, and laced, my running shoes. This is the first, and only, shoe that was actually picked out for me by a pronation expert. A shoe that is designed for running. And they feel amazing every time I put them on. The weather looked very, very suspect. I just hoped I wouldn't get completely soaked. I wasn't in the mood.

I have five weeks to go, four with quality training potential, until my race. I am beginning to feel a little beat up. This is as close as I have come to running a race "healthy." Of course, I still have five weeks to go... (Remember that I injured myself a mere 10 days before my first half-marathon? oh yes, plenty of time left to do something stupid.) Nevertheless, so far so good. My only complaints are sore ankles (anterior/dorsal tendons; both feet - minor concern) and sore shins (chronic anterior compartment syndrome [worst case scenario] and/or anterior tibial stress syndrome [best case scenario]; both legs, but worse in right leg - moderate concern.) I've really been trying to baby my legs. Menthol massages galore. Yesterday my new KT tape (hot pink) came in the mail! Of course I couldn't wait to tape myself up!

[If you're injury prone and haven't tried kinesio tape I HIGHLY recommend it. It seems expensive, but you wear it for multiple days. The brand I've used in the past would stay on for 3 days. This brand says it will stay on up to 5 - I'll let you know if that is true in a few days. A few tips: I always shave and exfoliate well prior to putting on the tape - I've never even bothered shaving once its on so I'm extra thorough before hand. (yes guys, that means you too) Wipe your leg (or whatever body part) with rubbing alcohol immediately before you are ready to tape. This eliminates oils, or lotions, on your skin that could interfere with the adhesive. The adhesive is activated by the heat from your skin, so make sure you don't touch the sticky side of the tape with your fingers! That will compromise it sticking to the area your treating. When it is in place how you want it, you rub the tape very quickly to increase the amount of heat in the area so the adhesive can set.]

I taped myself last night before bed - that's my usual preference. Kinesio tape increases blood circulation to the area, so I put it on at night so while I'm sleeping my body is hopefully getting some extra relief. I cannot convey how much this tape saves me in the long run! I went running on Monday. I was in so much pain with my anterior tibialis on my right leg, I had a rough time finishing 5K (3.1 miles.) With the tape on, I completed 5.3 miles with only minor discomfort. It truly makes all the difference!

So I've hit the halfway mark: 5 weeks down, 5 more to go. This is where the balancing act begins. Pushing myself enough to improve my endurance (and my health too) without pushing too hard and causing sickness or an injury. [Segue to future entry...]

Humpday Humor

Trish: "How does stuff work? it looks too liquidy"
Me: "I don't know, maybe it's a non-Newtonian fluid"
Trish: "Did you just ask if it was a plutonium fluid???"


and then I laughed for five minutes straight


my life = priceless!

Monday Musings

Home from another day at work, and evening with the little man. Hot tea in hand, snacking on pecan divinity (southern memories) and Bill Withers (Ain't No Sunshine) on Pandora. bliss.


Recently, within the last month, I've instated what I call "Cell Free Sundays." I must confess, they aren't totally cellphone free, but for 5 or 6 hours on Sunday morning (and early afternoon) I am sans cellphone. So far, it's working out to be great. It's nice to unplug a bit. It let's me clear my head and think about things objectively. (Or as objectively as I can, being that it's my life.)


Recent dilemma:
Scenario: A likes C. B is obsessed with D. B has never met C, but critiques C because C isn't D.

Are you still with me?

What do you do when good intentions aren't good in practice? What if we've all got it all wrong? What does it mean to have true love? How many of us really have fake love?

In the summer of 2006 I remember sitting in my car with my best friend. I was debating dumping my boyfriend. She had been going through a rough patch with her boyfriend. She told me not to dump mine. I didn't understand why she stayed with hers. I did dump my boyfriend. She is getting ready to celebrate her one year anniversary of becoming his wife. While she wasn't right about my relationship, I wasn't right about hers either. Ever since I have tried to keep my opinions to myself, to be open minded about other people and their quest for love.

Ironically, the dilemma my best friend faced all those years ago is a dilemma I currently face. I finally understand why she stayed. Unfortunately, I have another best friend who shares the view I had all those years ago. Unfortunately she is far more vocal about it now than I was then. It would seem rational that since she is my best friend, and she loves me, that she would understand my perspective on love. Our different wants and needs in our relationships - because after all we are different people. To be honest, when it comes to her, I'm just not feeling the love...

I remember a few years ago, a male friend said that girls should settle. Of course any time you say that to a group of girls, they take it personally and begin to question your sanity. Now I'm beginning to understand what he meant. (Side note: John Lennon (Imagine) is on Pandora now... appropriate?) How many people end perfectly functional relationships because it just "isn't right" or because they found some devastating "flaw" they just cannot live with. How many of those decisions are made out of haste? Getting out of a relationship is easy. Staying - choosing to stay and fight for the relationship is hard. How can you be sure the person thinks that you are worth fighting for?

Maybe our problem is searching for love where it does not exist, and overlooking where it does. I can't say that is a risk I'm willing to take. I'm looking for love in the overlooked place, and its the best place I know. (And we've moved onto Heart (Alone) on Pandora)


“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

30 Day Challenge!!! Reflection

I realize September isn't over yet... but I've had three weeks and I feel like I have yet to accomplish anything on my to-do list. Here it is, in case you missed it:

This Septemer I would like to:
1. Not watch TV (or movies). Here are some reasons. Me? "If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got." - W.L. Bateman I don't know exactly what a life sans TV would mean, but I'm curious. Also, this doesn't mean I'm giving up TV forever. [TBD]
2. Not spend money. Aside from important things. You know, those things called bills. And maybe one trip to visit my best friend. Aside from that? Nada.
3. Realize that thing I need so badly, is something I really don't need...
4. Read more. Those things with pages? Some people call them books. I have a stack that are on my list. Got to check them off.
5. Connect with people more. In real life. Sans social media.
6. Take life's curve-balls in stride. Take a deep breath.
7. Laugh more.


I feel like I need to modify my list so that I will be less stressed and more successful in the process. So here's the modified list:

This Fall I would like to:
1. Limit TV and movies. The problem with TV is that I feel like I waste SO much time watching it. Since fall shows are back on the air, I've been thinking about what I really want to watch. There were actually only three shows that came to mind. If I actually limit myself to only watching shows that I consciously choose to watch, that will greatly reduce how much time I'm devoting to TV.
2. Not spend money. I haven't done as well as I would have liked in this department, but I haven't done tremendously awful either. I did analyze my spending habits, not counting student loan, the last three months though and that was scary. For the most part I have been good at packing meals and snacks for work, but if I'm feeling stressed I do give in and splurge. (Probably on the last food items that I need to be eating when I'm already stressed.) I definitely want to cut back on that. It's time to hide the credit card. And forget that I have a in-house account at work. That thing is too tempting...
3. Realize that thing I need "so badly", is something I really don't need... This goes for things I want to buy, and also things I already own. I still have a few piles that fall into the "90 day rule" (basically if you have a "maybe keep" item that you put in a corner/box/taped area and 90 days later it's still there, because you haven't used it, it goes into the trash or gets donated no questions asked. Just lose all the clutter. Less is more...
4. Read more. I still have my stack of books to read. Since I am limiting TV time (which also doubles as work/organizing time) to three, maybe four (max), nights a week, that leaves three nights open for reading. [Sunday nights are reserved for Bible Study and whatever shenanigans that entails.]
5. Connect with people more. In real life. Sans social media. Perks: one friend is home and another just relocated into town. Good times in store! :-)
6. Take life's curve-balls in stride. Take a deep breath. This is all temporal. I can only be my best. As good, or bad, as that may be - that's all I can do.
7. Laugh more. I gave the cats menthol earlier this week. Comedy at its finest!!!
8. Run more. Workout more. Get your groove on. Endorphins are good for the soul. er. brain.
9. Sleep more. Preferably at the approximate same time every night. THAT is a rough goal, but would be so worth it once my sleep schedule is reset!
10. Play the French Horn more frequently. I have had a chance to pick up my baby. Indescribable bliss. Love that!
Challenge:
1. Relearn German. I have a few workbooks, textbooks, book books (but not BookBooks :-P) AND magnetic words. I just have to start making it happen.
2. Learn to play Guitar. I have mastered woodwinds. I have mastered brass. Strings? Not so much... yet.
3. Learn to crochet and/or knit. As the weather cools down, in theory, this will be my relaxing-while-watching-TV/movies-pastime...

So that's it. I have six weeks until my Florida trip and half marathon. This time around I'm even intelligent enough to print out my list! I'll have it posted in my room to remind me of my goals and I'll try to challenge myself over the next 5 weeks before I leave for my trip. When I come back I'll reanalyze to decide how successful I was this attempt, and what to change for the time beyond that.

Frantic Friday

I'm going to dress up as a punching bag for Halloween. That's how everyone seems to be treating me this week.

Okay, not everyone is treating me unkindly. Not even the majority of people. Just two people. Yet somehow, those two people create a cloud of negativity that all of the positive people in my life cannot merely brush away. That 10 hour disaster shift I mentioned Wednesday? 9am - 7pm. I didn't take my lunch break until 4pm. It really was that crazy. I only took my lunch break then because that is when I had to leave one part of the store to go work in another section. Thankfully, my sweet, kind coworker wouldn't let me lift a finger - unless it involved clocking myself out and taking my lunch break. She has also worked in the other section of the store. She refuses to go back unless she absolutely has to, but she always has a sympathetic ear when I need it. The worst part of that shift was getting yelled at by one person in particular for things that I could not control. I even went above and beyond, and a mistake that was made was actually her fault! Even though I took measures to verify steps (steps that she insisted we implement to avoid mistakes, ironically), SHE still made the mistake! I understand that no one is perfect, and if a mistake upsets you that is completely fine. Vent your frustrations, but please do not take frustrations out on me when it is not my mistake.

Another coworker, though I have to use that term loosely. She is a coworker because my boss pays her a salary for her services. She does not actually work on site. She only comes on site for business meetings. She has probably been on site 10 times OR LESS. A few weeks ago she emailed me requesting a project to be completed. I turned in the project, completed to the best of my ability with little instructions given to me. She asked me to redo it because of a qualification she would like that she had never initially mentioned!!! At my shift yesterday I checked my work email (an account I do not check at home if at all possible) and found a three paragraph email from her critiquing things I'm doing well and not so well. Including ideas that are not accurate and another mention of investigating our website for information. As an on site employee (of four years to her one year) I know that our website is horrendous! It contains outdated information, pictures of staff that haven't been there for six months or more, and says we offer features that, while intended, never made it into the realm of reality. And because I am on site and she is not, I think there is a huge discrepancy in our communication. "When you say ______ I think of _______ but I'm not sure if that is what you think of when you say ______." I have written an email to clarify these differences. I merely drafted it though. I didn't want to send out anything while experiencing the initial sting of her caustic remarks.

A blogger that I love to read recently wrote a "what a difference a year makes" post. Mainly detailing what a disaster her life was the previous year, all of the dark times she wandered through and finally the joy of things ultimately working out and leading her to a much more positive place. I can totally relate! At this time last year, I had just celebrated my birthday when I had found out my brother and his wife separated - mere days before I had to put on a happy face for my coworkers wedding. The next week I traveled to compete in the Rock 'n Roll VB half marathon and was preparing for my dear best friends wedding. The wedding that was amazing - but also lead to an emotional-disaster year. I devoted time and energy to two guys who said all the right things. One ended up being a tool. The other... well, I'm still figuring him out.

The last month - starting with my birthday! - has been one of the most miserable months. I feel like a walking disaster area. So here's to a new season! Here's to trying to live my life without being a disaster, putting my time and energy into more positive, rewarding endeavors, figuring out what I want in life and figuring out if that lines up with what God has planned for me!!! One of my favorite verses: "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4 And for today: here's to egg sandwiches for breakfast, dark chocolate and hot tea, and here's to acing my first exam for the training class I'm taking for work!!! Here's to dancing around like an idiot to the songs on my iPod!!! Here's to turning this frantic Friday into something more fabulous than frantic... Wish me luck!!!

"Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted." -Hesketh Pearson

I'm fresh off a 10 hour disaster shift. Hot tea in hand and starting to unwind. I'm sure there are a million different things I could write about, and yet nothing seems to come to mind... BUT I owe you a blog entry, so here it is. [commence segue]

I should warn you that this is completely off the cuff and could make absolutely no sense. But a few weeks ago (see link above) I was blogging about fear. In my case, overcoming that fear by focusing on small, purposeful to-do lists that keep me focused on the baby steps I must take to achieve the big picture - and not distracted by just how big the big picture is! I am an avid lover of quotes, so naturally this brought a few to mind:

"All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do." -Author Unknown

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." -Thomas Jefferson

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan." -Eleanor Roosevelt.

“God helps those who help themselves.” -Benjamin Franklin (attributed...hold that thought)

And now here we go: “God helps those who help themselves.” It's a quote I hear frequently. Often thrown around with "work as if everything depended upon you, pray as if it depended upon God." Now, the people I hear using these phrases aren't the people who spend time debating theology. They are the sort of people that prescribe to the "God wouldn't send a good person to hell" sect of Christianity. But is this a quote that Christians should be repeating? Here goes nothing...

Conservative Christians find issue from this quote right away because of it's commonly attributed source: Benjamin Franklin. Many people enjoy the belief that America was founded upon Christian values. This isn't entirely true. America was founded for religious freedom, yes, and it's founders followed loose Christian ideals but to say that it was founded as a Christian Nation is not entirely accurate. The religion of George Washington is debated; however, Benjamin Franklin was an open Deist and while Thomas Jefferson labeled himself as a Unitarian, he actually displayed the greatest Deist tendencies. So what does being a Deist have to do with it? A Deist believes in the existence of a supreme being, and that they created the universe, but that this supreme being does not manipulate or alter mortal affairs. Deists do not believe in miracles or prophecy. SO the idea that Franklin, a Deist who did not believe that God would bother himself with human problems, believed that God would help those who help themselves seems pretty ridiculous to me. (And by the way, Franklin also never said "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." It was just another historical misquote. I'm SO sorry to burst your bubble, except, you know, not really...) Also, Franklin made other comments stating that he believed that all responsibility fell upon the human race (because God would not interfere). Who knows, maybe he was just trying to induce proactive behaviors in society...


So next victim: Algernon Sidney. I know what you're thinking: "who are you talking about?" Long story short, he was a British politician back in the 17th century that was axed by King Charles II for treason. Something about a silly plot against the King and KCII took offense - some people can be so sensitive! Anyway... Algernon was considered a Calvinist republican. His main argument was the idea that God created us to be free and not to live under the dominion of an earthly king. There are two main problems I have with this quote in the context of Algernon. I will explain the second issue first. Since there were significantly less distractions back in the 17th century, Algernon would have been well read, having access to the Bible, along with other classic literature. The second dilemma: this quote word for word was popularized by Algernon Sidney in the United Kingdom, and then America by Benjamin Franklin, but can be traced back further to Greek mythology. There were four Greek authors (Aeschylus, Sophocles, Euripides, and Babrius) who utilized the theme in their tragedies. This isn't surprising because the theme ultimately can be traced back to a Greek proverb referring to Athena: "Along with Athena, move also your hand." Well Athena is not the god I worship, so that slightly changes the sentiment. About that... Given the cult-like religion displayed by the Greeks and the belief that humans were merely pawns to be shuffled about by the Gods, I'm not sure the transition of the quote into Christian society is appropriate. That was the second dilemma, I would argue the first dilemma is that it simply isn't supported throughout the Bible. Algernon would have had access to a Bible, and was probably well read. [Thomas Jefferson, Deist or not, would read through the Bible, in it's entirety, three times in one year.]

The Bible simply does not proclaim this message. If anything, it is the complete opposite. Our dependence on Christ. How doomed we are by sin. Helpless, hopeless and foolish. When I think of analogies in the Bible, immediately sheep, trees, spring come to mind. The spring simply gushes water from it's source; it is immobile and cannot change it's surroundings. The tree may sprout anywhere, but once it has put out roots it is immobile. It cannot change it's surrounds, it cannot control the weather, or what kind of nutrients it receives. And then there is the sheep. I have owned a sheep... Sure, they're cute but they are not the brightest animals. They survive by being afraid. They can run away; they have no other defenses. Sure they can normally find food on their own - only because they are not picky. Without a shepherd to tend and take care of them, they will not survive very long. They need the shepherd to take them to new pastures to eat. They need the shepherd to protect them from wolves and wild animals. They need the shepherd to feel safe. So we have the spring (immobile), the tree (immobile), and the sheep (scared of everything). They are all dependent on surroundings, and the sheep is very dependent on it's shepherd. None of these things can help themselves... By this logic, if "God helps those who help themselves" - well, I'm not sure God will be helping anyone anytime soon...

You're probably thinking that I'm done. Well... not quite. While it is safe to say that there is nothing in the Bible to support this quote, I would argue that the quote has merit when considered under the right context. As I've grown up, and grown in my faith, my perspective of this quote has changed. To me, rather than interpreting the quote for what it literally says, I infer the sentiment. This is not to say I believe we can "earn" God's blessings - we can't. That by "delighting ourselves in the Lord" (Psalm 37:4) and focusing on what is true and good, we will be able to understand and appreciate God's plan for us. And by delighting ourselves in the Lord, we will live our lives boldly for Him.

"And many of the brethren in the Lord, waxing confident by my bonds, are much more bold to speak the word without fear." -Philippians 1:14

So while I do not agree with the quote at face value, I certainly do accept it as a perspective on life. The call for Christians to live boldly and proactively for Christ, rather than sitting around waiting for God's blessings to magically appear in our lives.

I really hope this jumble of thoughts makes sense to someone out there, but if not, at least I warned you at the very beginning! :-P