August

 After last week's killer work schedule... [can I say 'overtime'?!] I came home Friday an hour early, because I was already in the dreaded territory of OT. I spent the evening attacking my closet and by the next morning my determination had set in. Saturday began with a shopping trip for new steel shelf, completely rearranging my closet, my room, moving a bookcase (while it was still full, no less - this is a bad choice, no matter how good it seems at the time), and four movies later... I have a new, fantastic, room spread! I spent the majority of Sunday recovering. Don't worry, of course I made time for disc golf!

I woke up to the crisp, chill of something that seems a lot like fall... While I am in no hurry to rush summer, I have to admit: I'm a little bit excited. I may or may not go out and splurge on some scented candles while my laundry is in the machines. I'm so excited for the promise of these next few months. While there are things in my life I'm not totally thrilled with, I'm pretty happy and mostly optimistic. And of course tonight is the night of nights: The Season Finale of the Bachelorette!!! I'm super excited to see what happens. I can't help it: I'm a sucker for love in the worst way. And I was reading a list of MSN Entertainment's "Who Should Be The Next Bachelor" and look at this gem: (yes I included the link and text: I don't want anyone to be too lazy to see this gem!)

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/who-should-be-the-next-bachelor/photo-gallery/feature/?photoidx=7

Who should be the next Bachelor?

James Wolk, "Mad Men" (AMC)
James Wolk plays extremely private office cipher Bob Benson on "Mad Men." Wolk, 28, seems delightfully low-maintenance: When discussing "Lone Star" (a FOX vehicle that ran for only two episodes), Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures. This is why they say to keep an eye on the quiet ones.

And again, the wisdom of James Wolk,  "Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures." I think I'm in love. With his advice at the very least!

So I'm very excited to watch the Bachelorette make whatever decision she makes, spend more time focused on my family and friends, and enjoying everything Western PA has to offer. For once in my life doing what makes me entirely happy and not sensoring it based on the opinions of another person. Because everyone still in my life will find happiness in my happiness without critiquing me. Everyone in my life can enjoy my joys in harmony, not damper them with conditions or their differing wants. We all love the same things, and that is a blessing.

And, it's the month of my birth! holla!

Just A Glimpse

Well kids, contrary to popular belief I have not fallen off the face of the earth. However, I have been a busy, busy bee. For the last month, I have been adjusting to my new responsibilities at work. The last few weeks I have managed to make it to the trail more often than not. I go before work a) because no one else is around and I enjoy the quiet time and b) because I'm much less likely to sunburn that early. I have also re-watched the entire Harry Potter series. I even watched the last four movies twice, because I can do what I want. Of course, now I have to reread them because you just can't cram all of those details into a 2+ hour movie. I have also been quilting. That's right: I watch Harry Potter while putting together patchworks. I'm 27 going on 77. But, as previously stated, I do what I want. My most recent finished project is my Bible cover, because I was tired of its dust cover looking much worse for wear. Here it is:

 front cover:

back cover:

I'd like to think it's very "me", whatever that entails. But I enjoy it, and I didn't have to buy a book cover that I wasn't crazy about, and I used fabric that was already lying around so it was a fun, easy project. I have a bunch of things I plan on making in the same theme, probably including something for my netbook and a purse. Also, I finally hemmed four pairs of pants that have been on my "to-do" list for...honestly, years [minus one pair of work pants that were a recent addition] what can I say? Short girl problems... I'm also getting ready to turn some of my dresses from my trip to Africa into skirts, that I'll hopefully get to wear in Africa again one day. And I'm going to get around to working on my chitenge. Busi gave me advice on sewing a string into the top to make it more secure. The chitenge will be the dark navy peacock print fabric, which I bought in the Kitwe Markets in Zambia. [And yes Dave, I still think that print is fabulous!]

Speaking of Africa, I also completed a 35 page scrapbook with photos, mementos, etc, from my two months there. And, contrary to popular belief, I am kind of creative sometimes. Ok maybe not creative persay, but I play with oil paints, which counts for some level of creativity, right? Anyway, I painted the scrapbook cover. I painted the Africa part around five years ago, and I got the idea for the rest in May.

Regardless of creativity, I had a blast painting and really like how it turned out. So there you have it: I read children's books, sew, scrapbook, and attempt to paint. Add cooking and baking to that list. Currently I have been testing out cookie recipes in order to decide what cookies I'm making for my best friend's wedding reception. Throw in a local Strawberry festival with my favorite dates: my two nephews!, celebrating my best friend's upcoming wedding with an afternoon of wine tasting and an evening cooking lesson with Miss Laurie, lots of catchup with my girlfriends and disc golf with good friends.

In a few weeks I'm giving a presentation on my Africa trip at my Church. It is mind-boggling to try and wrap my head around everything that I saw and experienced into one presentation, but figuring out how to do that is the next project on my agenda. I was reading through my first journal, but I need to go back and finish because, surprise surprise, I got distracted. It is hard to think about my mindset prior to my experiences in Africa compared to what it is now. In some ways, I haven't changed all that much, but in other ways I have changed dramatically. Night and day. I'm immensely thankful and grateful. I'm happy where I am at this moment, but there is always regret towards the past and apprehension when I think about the uncertainty of the future. When my best friend got engaged, I of course imaged where I would be in my life when we were celebrating her marriage, and where I am vs where I thought I would be couldn't be farther apart. The disappointment that goes along with that realization might be palatable, but the anger is my current stumbling block. It's all part of life though, and with some more time to enjoy life - by doing what I want when I want and living by my own rules, I'll sort my feelings out and be right as rain again. Being at home has been far from easy. I have ups and downs all the time. In all honesty, I'd rather be in Africa, but I have to admit that overall it's shaping up to be a pretty fun summer here at home. I'm trying to enjoy it while I can, because I have no idea what God has in store for my future!

Hit the ground running...

I picked up my life right where I left it.
I went back to work today. With my old co-workers at my old job.
It was easier than I thought. Too easy.
When you aren't doing something, sometimes you forget how good you are at it.
Our CEO even commented that she was surprised at how easily I picked up where I had left off.
No stupid questions. I didn't forget how to do anything.
My manager said she wasn't surprised at all. She called me a rockstar.

Being home is amazing, and awful.
It reminds me how much of love home.
It was a perfect Pennsylvania spring day. The day that makes you believe winter is truly over,
but it is still cool and calm. Not the busy, frenzy of summer just yet. Just blissful.
It reminds me how much I'll be leaving behind when I go back to Africa. Or anywhere.
The heart is so strong and yet so weak. Able to withstand great change and brave vastly foreign circumstances, and then be broken at the drop of a beloved familiar hat.
What a confusing, devoted love.

I worked a full shift. It was great to be back.
In my element. With my co-workers. With our customers.
It made my heart happy, and sad.
I survived without relying too much on caffeine.
But at this point, I am barely awake.
And probably not making sense. [Not that I'm convinced I ever make sense, but I digress...]
I have the day off tomorrow. This means I can sleep in. And do laundry. And a million other things.
And, of course, blog.

Update

I'm am officially stock piling blog ideas, but for today, a quick update will have to do.

My head is spinning after a delightfully productive day. Last night I was struck with purpose. I stayed up very late reading the Bible and feverishly jotting down notes. Then, naturally, I woke up early. I have been sleeping a lot recently, approximately 9 hours a night. Thanks to my energy burst last night, I got less than 6. Good at the time, but I am feeling it now. I enjoyed a relaxed morning at least. I survived work, and I felt okay most of the day actually. Then we had a work meeting after regular business hours, which wasn't even bad. Then, on a whim, I had one errand to run and decided to see if I could accomplish two others. The others were errands I was not particularly looking forward too. One involved stopping at a local church and dropping off food donations for the local food pantry. The catch is, if you don't make it to the church on Sunday, it's sometimes difficult to make it when the door for food donations is open. So much so that the Deacons, who take turns delivering the donations, warned me that if you don't make it on a Sunday, you won't make it. I suppose this is perspective: they make it seem like an unpleasant, difficult task and so it is perceived as such. But I always have lunch with my family and grandmother after church on Sundays. I didn't want to miss that, so I just decided I would make it happen somehow. I had casually looked at their calendar of events to see when the door might be open. I didn't remember anything specific on today's date, but I decided I should swing by anyway. Sure enough, the parking lot was full: the first good sign. There was one open parking spot immediately in front of the door I needed to use, so I hastily parked and jumped out to test the door. I had tried the door prior to going to work this morning, to no avail. This time, thankfully, it opened. I unloaded everything from my car and deposited the donations into the building. One task that I was afraid would be unpleasant accomplished.

In a good mood, and with my boyfriend preoccupied for the evening, I decided to use the free time to get another task accomplished. I realized a few weeks ago that I would need additional tablets for my anti-malaria medication for my Africa trip. I've been putting it off, because I don't have a current PCP and the idea of going to the local urgent care clinic just seemed unpleasant. After all, it is the height of flu season here. My parents recently commented on how people used to just stay home and rest when they had the flu, but in our instant-gratification society, no one wants to wait it out. Everyone wants to go to the hospital and be instantly cured, so the idea of sitting in a waiting room didn't paint good pictures in my head. Even so, I drove home a different route so I would drive past the clinic. I knew I would have just over an hour before they closed their doors. As it turned out, their parking lot was fairly empty. You can see the waiting room from the outside, and that was completely empty, so I guessed the cars I could see merely belonged to the staff. So I parked and went in. It went as well as it could have gone. Completely empty aside from the employees (no, I repeat no!, sick/sniffling/coughing people anywhere near me!) I was in and out in just about 20 minutes. Everyone was very nice and curious about my trip. Of course, the PA-C didn't mind that I was such an easy patient either. I only needed two more tablets, but she wrote me a prescription for 5 just incase!

Finally, I came home to eat dinner and an orange for dessert. This Africa thing is no joke: I'm on day 3 of no candy or decadent desserts because my previously mentioned sweet tooth is that bad and, assuming I won't have access to many sugary treats in rural South Africa, I'm cutting out added sugar in preparation. I shot off a few emails, to an old friend from college, to the office in San Francisco, and to the Hub in South Africa. Today's productivity is such a reminder that God is sovereign! As thankful as I am, I am ready to fall asleep any second. With my trip countdown really getting down to the wire, I will hopefully have many more updates in the coming weeks!

Laughter!

The eighteenth thing I am thankful for is the chance to laugh! (at myself!) I fell/flew up the stairs at work today, literally. I started laughing as soon as I landed, and continued for the following hour. The best part was you can see it on our surveillance system! I watched it about three times and it was still hilarious. (if you missed it, you can see it tomorrow!) But we need to petition for better camera placement to record these events for bloopers at staff parties, ha!

Mother's Day Mayhem

I feel like I have been beaten up.

On Friday, Cory asked me how many hours I had logged this week. We spent much more time together than we normally do this week, since Steph and Terri are both off, and he guessed that I'd be getting close to overtime. Close yes, but not in the danger zone. I was saved by the extended lunch break I took on Monday. [A happy coincidence: we had over scheduled front staff, and I felt miserable with a nagging headache. I gladly agreed to leave with the hope of a break and a hot meal providing some relief before coming back for the evening with the back staff.]

I was also watching Terri's dog while she was recovering from surgery. A dog that is a) a puppy b) hyperactive, to say the least! and c) insists on waking up at 5am. To say that I was overworked and sleep deprived this week is an understatement. Then I realized that I only have one day off the next three weeks: Memorial Day (+ Sundays, because we are closed.) No days off + a lot of laundry that still needs put away + more laundry that still needs washed + dishes + ... The list goes on.

Then there is that whole Amendment 1 thing. You may have heard of it, but in case you've been living under a rock, you can read about it here. I think the homosexual debate is quite complicated and I don't feel inclined to delve into my personal feelings on that right now. After the law was passed, friends on both sides of the debate let the comments fly. One friend in particular called me quite upset, on the verge of tears, about how the idea of marriage between homosexuals is so wrong. It was a Matthew 7 moment:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." -Matthew 7:3-5

The Bible plainly states that God intended for man and woman to be together and that homosexuality is at odds with God's plan for us. Yet, there are things this friend is doing in their life that are also contrary to what is said in the Bible. I don't feel that I am currently in the place to pass judgment or offer council. I don't think I can offer words to inspire change, and am afraid of offering words that merely cause defense and hurt. So I wait and trust that things will happen according to God's plan.


And to cap off the week of crazy work, lack of sleep, Saturday was date night. After date night I had grand thoughts of finalizing my Sunday School lesson, maybe folding some laundry and going to bed early. Instead, I got home, was tackled by my nephew Andrew (and later by Christian) who was surprising Mom for Mother's Day. We stayed up until midnight when I finally couldn't take it anymore and went to bed. Overslept, but still found time to sort of get my lesson in order. Then we went to my grandmother's house for lunch, and of course had to see all the cows, roosters, and the billy goat. Then Lucius and I took a nap, because nephews wear. us. out.!!!


I'm still feeling not so great, but I think this crazy week has inspired some good things. Here's a sneak peak to inspire you:

#1. Awe, don't they look cute? Bachelor Brad Womack proposed to Emily Maynard during his second stint as The Bachelor. Well they broke up and now the Emily is back to be The Bachelorette. Everyone knows that Albert Einstein is a pretty smart guy. And everyone knows that he said: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Everyone except for those people who decide to look for love on National Television, ABC style of course. This season get ready. You'll all get to witness what my boyfriend calls "Monday-Morning Quarterbacking" - Bachelor style. The past few seasons seem to be getting progressively worse, but I can't bring myself to stop watching. This season I'm going to make the most of this glutton-for-punishment quality: I'm going to blog about the episodes and breakdown these "love connections." What are they doing right? What are they doing wrong? Should these relationships even be categorized as love, as God intended it?

 

#2. Back to that Matthew 7:3-5 thing: Let's take a look at the common life. aka mine. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? How am I failing as a Christian? Will a change in habits make a drastic change in my general outlook?

 Stay tuned blog-world!!!

Solid Ground

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

I've felt quite disoriented lately. It's my fault for a) slipping on my schedule and allowing myself to be lazy and b) I've been so busy lately, my room is a mess. Nothing terrible, but enough little things that combine to seem like a very big thing.

I had a conversation with a friend last week about another friend who has a definite instant gratification problem. The problem of course comes when they have to wait for anything. Heaven forbid! The situation involved an extreme example, but it highlighted how unattractive the trait it. I think there is a difference between going after what you want fervently and pouting when things don't work out the way you wanted as soon as you wanted. The later is what is being displayed in our friend. It conjures snippets of news media and journals discussing how technology, and instant access to everything, has affected the younger generations. [I would be a part of that generation. Except I'm not into keeping up with the latest trends. No smartphones here! but I digress...]

This concept has really been rattling my brain this week. I even watched an episode of The Waltons, because the concept of life before television is the opposite of instant gratification in my mind. When families would listen to a radio for the latest entertainment. Not to mention it was set in the era of the Great Depression so they were lacking lots of things. Throughout the series we would see various children doing whatever they could to make money when they wanted something, a new softball glove, a new dress, a bus ticket, etc etc. Of course that really got my wheels turning. So...my goal for April is to not shop at all, if possible. This leaves me two options: a) write down what I think I "need" and why. if I still feel that way about the item in May, I will work it into my budget. b) think about what I already have on hand that could be used as a reasonable substitute for the time being. [because most of my impulse purchases are a) food or b) stuff I probably already have at home] So we'll see how it goes. You will too, because I hope to blog about it!

I have an acquaintance who is into social/liberal causes. I must admit this plot does seem reminiscent of things I've seen her talk about. The "Ditch The Disposables" Challenge of 2008 and "30 Days of Nothing" Challenge. [Google either if you are curious to know more.] But I'm not trying to change the world, rather I'd like to reevaluate how I see it. So much of our society is material based. Work dress codes and hygiene requirements. Just because you have the latest fashions and impeccable hygiene doesn't mean someone is the best person ever. And being poor, or homeless, doesn't mean that personal is any less worthy. A quote has been on my heart in the recent weeks. I'm not sure where I read it. It's simply saved as a word document on my computer. It is simple, to the point, and true.

"You will never look into the eyes of someone Christ didn't die for" -Mark Moore

I'm not sure where/how I came across it. I have no idea who Mark Moore is. It's just so true and innately compelling. Which leads me to my next point. A hiatus from shopping isn't a bad start, but I want to get back to reality in general. Away from materialism, and away from the technological community (aka all things "social media") that is going on these days. A few weeks ago I was dog sitting for a slightly older couple in their 50s with no children. Just their beloved golden retriever. They have radios and a pretty sweet television, and one computer. With dial-up internet. They actually call people. From their land line.The write letters and go out to catch up with loved ones. It was an amazingly relaxing weekend and I can't help but envy them. They don't suffer from the media overload, and are so laid back as a result. Last week I watched "He's Just Not That Into You." At one point a character named Mary, played by Drew Barrymore, stated it perfectly: "I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting." Dating aside, I think it's definitely valid to say that becoming more "connected" via technology is actually isolating in the real world.

So there you have it. 1) no shopping. make a list, or make do. 2) less social media. more real relationships. April goals in a nutshell. Side projects: working out and running (as always), and working on my green thumb. I went shopping today. (gah, I know - who goes shopping before they give up shopping?! lame...) I picked up a few things at the mall, and then got down to business. I planted seeds a few weeks ago. Let me ask you this: have you ever planted seeds while owning three cats? because, let me tell you, it's an experience. One cat digs up the dirt, one cat eats the plants before they're even mature. [I guess Luke 8 could be read alternately using cats instead of birds, who knew...) So before my no shopping month begins, I thought I should pick up a) a seed starter. I went with the Jiffy professional greenhouse because it's not expensive, but still comes with the plastic cover to hopefully keep the cats out... and b) new seed (of course!) And because the local chain stores don't do so great at keeping plants, I rescued three plants: a red tulip, and two things that I've seen before but don't know by name, because they looked like they were drying to death.

Also, remember my fretting yesterday? Yet again, no one seemed to notice my mistake. I worry far too much about things that are temporal. I have to work on that.

stress

 

It's been one of those days weeks.

Today I feel like the Princess & the Pea. I'm the princess, and one minor thing that I could have handled differently at work is the pea. Never mind the countless things I handled appropriately. It's just one of those days.

 

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." -Psalm 55:22
I don't know about this, per say. I may try to live righteous. But I still make mistakes. Let opportunities slip by. Does trying to be righteous weigh in my favor enough that I am counted as righteous? Of course the problem is that God is merciful; humans are not so kind.

Of course, the ultimate fix:
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7
[just maybe with a side of hot cocoa. maybe]

My Week In Review

AKA Stuff that I've wanted to blog about but haven't had the energy, time, or focus to do so.

Monday I accidentally left work early. I still cannot believe I did this! However, I just added the time (the whole 20 minutes) on during the rest of my week. My manager was not even perceptive enough to realize my goof.

Tuesday was my day off. I spent it as a viewing/funeral.  Then I hit the trail. This winter has not been bad. I'm not convinced we've seen the last of winter weather, but for now I will enjoy the fact that I can get outside with little to no discomfort. I did run in a massive downpour on Wednesday, but rainy day runs are my secret love. It's like being a little kid jumping in puddles - but better! So I have a short cardio/strength training workout that I do essentially every day. I've done it every day the past three weeks minus two: I took one day off when I was sick and yesterday off just because. Starting Tuesday I have gone to the trail everyday. (Yes, I know that's only four days. You have to start somewhere!)

So assuming I'm not sick, I hit the trail before work and hang out with my medicine ball (aka my new best friend) after work. And I still plain my meals around fruits and veggies, and THEN I decide what else I want to eat. So Tuesday I was off. Wednesday I ran in the downpour before going into work. At work my coworker, once again, complains about her weight, not feeling comfortable in her body. Then she proceeds to open a box of girl scout cookies. Yesterday, there were both Dunkin Donuts and Bob's Pizza (local pizza shop) brought into work. The donuts were brought in by the same coworker who complains about her weight. REALLY??? I think it frustrates her that I didn't want anything.

Don't get me wrong: I love food! I'm not someone who is starving myself/working out with unrealistic expectations for what I want to look like. I just know that I gained 50lbs in college. So far I've lost 30lbs. I would like to lose 10lbs, if not 20lbs, more. I want to lose these extra pounds because: a) I have asthma and I can definitely notice a negative difference in lung capacity with the added weight. I would love to be able to run again without always having my inhaler on hand! b) I know exactly what havoc visceral fat has been shown to wreck on the body, and what health problems it puts you at risk for later c) I want to have more energy and if I can lose weight my body will have to expend less energy performing basic functions d) I just want to like the way I look. I've been there, I knew how active I was and I know what I have to do to get there again. I still love food! I don't deprive myself. I have some chocolate every day. I have jellybeans whenever I want them. It just drives me crazy hearing her complain on a regular basis about her weight, not liking the way she looks, and then eating junk food all the time...

Of course, it didn't help that I hadn't slept through the entire night all week. Tuesday night I woke up at 1am because the hall light was on. 3:38am I woke up because the cat was snoring that loudly... I was bit annoyed at this point, but determined to fall back asleep. Sometime after that, I have a standing floor lamp that is fairly similar to this. The three bulbs are adjustable and all have their own on/off switch. Well the middle bulb, pointed towards my desk, turned on and then off. I live in an old house, and the lamp was my older brothers so I guess it could be old as far as lamps go... so I know that it could be explained. It could be a glitch in wiring. I know some of the switches turn easier than others. (It's the switch you have to rotate to turn on.) Still, I think I heard the switch make the click sound it does once you've rotated to the "on" position. And I'm not aware that this has happened before. Needless to say, I was spooked. While I know there could be a completely rational explanation, the first thing that came to mind was my campus ministers stance on spiritual warfare. Which, is really comforting at sometime around 4am... My friend simply thinks my house is "haunted" (aka spiritual warfare). I'm not really so keen on having demons in my bedroom at the moment, so that wasn't comforting. The lamp has yet to have it's own light-show, and for the moment that is just fine with me. Despite things being quiet the next few nights, I still couldn't manage to sleep through the entire night. By yesterday, my eyes were so tired and I was starting to feel groggy. I did manage to sleep through last night but I still feel pretty gross. I have a headache and sinus pressure. Just not my day.

My most recent dilemma is money. When I cleaned out my closet, I got rid of pieces that, though I loved them, I knew (or thought) I would never wear them. Some of them were delegated to my list of items I would love to have: in a different style, color, fit, etc. One of the items on my list happens to be available online on a website that happens to be having a 50% off sale this weekend. (Actually it's technically two items: a yellow sweater and a loose crochet sweater - in one!) I saw an advertisement for the sale last night. I found a few other items I adore, including one that would replace an item I donated because I thought I would never wear it...but it turns out I really miss wearing it. Then you get into 'buy ____ more and get free shipping' and all of those seller schemes. I wasn't planning on buying any clothes this month. For now, the items are in my shopping cart. Just sitting there. I printed out the cart and my try to hit the mall for some locale shopping, or at least price comparison. See if I can find any items that would equally meet my needs with a better price tag.

In other news, HAPPY MARCH!!! March is both National Nutrition Month & National Craft Month. Yes, I'm kind of a geek. I love both of these things. That with the advent of spring, in my head even if not in reality, makes me a happy, happy girl! I'm really hoping that these happy thoughts can get my through my long to-do list for the weekend... wish me luck (not that I need it, cause I'm Irish!)

The Mondays

Today I had a bad case of the Mondays.

I struggled to wake up.I took one pill of NyQuil before bed last night and I was so groggy! Work was a crazy, busy Monday. Then I left work early. Only twenty minutes, not the end of the world. (Here's to hoping that's also my managers perspective...) I honestly thought I was leaving late. (I didn't realize what I had done until I got home and was looking over my schedule for March, oops...) This is the problem with a) having an awkward, irregular schedule and b) having a case of the Mondays. I just feel like I'm useless. One the upside, I think I have time to run tomorrow. I just have to go to a viewing/funeral first.

I think that weeks of intense progress must be followed by weeks of laziness. Not that I embrace this concept. But today, it is what I feel. I was going to attempt to sort some old toys. That lasted about ten minutes. I know I struggle with relaxing, just being. Now I think I need to work on being content. The constant to do lists. The ever evolving goals. Right now I'm just sitting. In my rocking chair with the massaging back. Watching The Bachelor. (Don't judge me. The objectification of love and poor excuse for romance is a bad enough train wreck that I at least can sit still. sometimes.)

I think my problem is this: Last night I sat down with my financial records for January and February. I compared how much money I made vs how much I spent. Not including what I have saved, or the "cushion" in my account. Which meant the stats were kind of scary. But really they could be worse. Anyway... Emotionally, you could say that my to-do lists and my constant purging of possessions are like withdrawals - of energy. Energy wisely, yet hastily, spent. Spent much faster than any deposits have been made. I'm in an energy deficit.

I've been thinking about this. Since I try to keep "cell-free Sundays" I've been thinking about the Sabbath. However, I seem to consciously view the Sabbath mostly in terms of Church and praising God, not about how God created the Sabbath because we need rest too.

“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates…” - Exodus 20: 8-10

And it's not just in the Old Testament either.

'And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.' - Mark 6: 31

That verse definitely reflects our current hectic lifestyles. And gives me an reason to try to relax tonight.

Unexpected: Take Two

Apparently, as of February 1st, I'm full time.

WHAT???!!!

My feelings exactly. Less than two weeks after being told I have an expiration date (not in those exact words), I'm told that I will be given full time for the remainder of my tenure at work. And benefits.

I just wrote my updated schedule on my calendar. I think I might die. The problem is this: I work what a normal person works in five days - but I work it in four, plus a Saturday. I'm exhausted already.

Downside: Well, there are really several reasons that this might end badly...
Upside: Nothing can whip my butt into shape quite like the impending demise my free time/social life. I cleaned my work desk. I sorted two shoe boxes full of financial documents that, quite frankly, I have been avoiding for a very, very long time. I cleaned out my dresser, adding a few items to my "no longer needed" pile. Even for being an organization freak as of late, my room looks especially organized right now.

All in all, today was a pretty good day. Work was good. I spent lots of quality time with my cats. Watched a few episodes of Laguna Beach: Season 2. Don't judge me; some guilty pleasures are good for the soul. Now Lucius is pestering me because I'm not paying enough attention to him. Men... Unfortunately for me, he's too cute to be replaced. Guess I'll just have to distract him with catnip instead. [He is now cleverly sitting onto of my mouse and mouse pad, even while my hand is on the mouse. I guess some guys know how to get what they want.]

I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately. There are a million things I could say, but I want to try to be gracious and kind. I will say that all I can do is follow my heart and what will make me happy. Intense, acute pain is better than lasting pain. As much as I may feel displeased by the choices that others have made, I have to trust that they are doing what will make them happy. Even when their logic is ill-reasoned. Even when I work through what they are saying to gather what they really mean - and they might not even realize it comes across so harsh and shallow.

"It's a good idea not to live your life just to please others. You don't please yourself and you end up not pleasing anyone else. But if you please yourself, maybe you'll please someone else." -Groucho Marx

I want to be happy. I want to please myself, and maybe one day someone else. Preferably someone who "gets" me fully. Back to happiness. I've been thinking about a) people whom I admire and b) periods in my life that I most closely relate with happiness. I've been struggling with the TV debate. To watch or not to watch (that is the question). Upon further reflection, I think I've had it backwards. I think I need to spend less time on the computer, while essentially maintaining my current television viewing pattern. My reasoning is that I'm much better at multitasking while watching television, I'm much more active while watching television, my periods associated with happiness were not spent logging long hours on the internet, and lastly the people I admire do not waste a lot of time on the internet. They do not waste a lot of time watching television either, but this point is moot because in my case television serves as a background for productivity. This realization is also convenient considering that I just ordered two seasons of two of my favorite shows on DVD. But regardless I stand by my perception and believe that, at least in my case, it rings true.

I'm not exactly sure what the future holds, but here's to 2012 and positive life changes!!!

Breathing Room

In the past two days I have worked four times as much as I was originally scheduled.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I always get a little bit cranky working overtime. (who doesn't?) I feel rushed and overstressed. I feel like I don't have enough free time to decompress from the work day. Never mind getting things done around the house... However, I wasn't prepared for the feelings of frustration and resentment to hit me so soon. Yes, they told me if I go to Africa (my dream!) that I wouldn't have a job. I wasn't planning on going back anyway, yet the finality of being told that it wasn't even an option as been emotionally caustic. Much more, and much earlier (I'll still be there until May!) than I expected. [Side note: Bennie and the Jets just started playing on Pandora. is it possible to not smile/laugh/be happy hearing that song?]

So it's winter. I don't know if it's SAD or just winter in general, but I always get crabbier and want to sleep. Constantly. And I'm overworked. And it's at a job that a) isn't appreciative of employees at the best of times and b) has already given me an expiration date. Also, because I'm overworked, I haven't had time to get outside and run. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to counteract all of this bad momentum.

But it's Wednesday. I love Wednesday. It is my late day. Late day = late morning. I still wake up at my usual time, but I'm not on my usual timeline. I have breathing room. Knowing that I have to capitalize on these two free hours for my job and my sanity, I planned out my to-do list last night. I did a once-over to kidnap any stray sock or garment, and placed the laundry basket in plain view. I also gathered ingredients to make another batch of my beloved breakfast scones. [They're my thing. What I need to get going in the morning. I've made chocolate chip and cranberry orange with extra cranberries. This batch is currant with chocolate bits and pecans. Y-U-M!] So when I woke up, I promptly (after 30 minutes of lounging and watching the Today Show) wandered downstairs, turned on the oven, poured some tea, did my laundry, made three salads and three entrees (for my next three shifts of work). And I made scones.

Now I sit. I have eaten my scone, an orange and (drank) two cups of tea. I have packed the snacks in my lunch. [Pandora has moved on to "More Than A Feeling" by Boston. It makes this spring-like day feel that much more like spring.] I'm finding out who got eliminated on last night's episode of the Biggest Loser.

Alas, it's already time for work... lame.

Unexpected

I just got home from our work holiday party.

Yes, it's a month after Christmas.

I wasn't expecting to enjoy it. We had to bring a trade and steal white elephant gift. We were also given "funny money" to bid in an auction. I went in thinking that I wouldn't come home with anything. After all, I've spent the last year getting rid of as much as possible. Never the less, the trade and steal white elephant round was... kind of a bust. There were a few things that got stolen a few times (a really nice woven blanket, and wine), but mostly we just stuck with what we got. This made our MC most displeased. However, the auction round? AWESOME!!! Each employee was given $315 of funny money to bid on items. I wasn't necessarily "I need to have that!" in love with anything, but I wholeheartedly enjoyed bidding just to raise the stakes. I got a basket with a really pretty necklace and earrings set (and other stuff I didn't so much care about). My better steal were two baskets I bid for. They included: three cookbooks, two cutting boards, one large bowl, and eight small bowls. The cutting boards and the bowls are all in the same pattern: yellow background with cherries. The gift I got in the trade and steal round was a cast iron brownie set and red pot holders (which match the red cherries!!!) And my brownies got rave reviews. All in all, it was a successful party.

I may have over-indulged... Time to unwind and relax with my kitties.

In Everything Give Thanks: January Edition

January has been a busy, confusing, crazy, and hectic month. I'm still adjusting to all things mentioned in my last post. [Positive: super eating and sleep habits! Negative: end of friendship fallout. Also, in the first three weeks of January, I was called in to work extra four times.] *The super eating and sleep habits have contributed to a supposed 6lb weight loss. For this, I am thankful. [How are YOUR new years resolutions going?]

This past weekend I went to visit my best friend with her fiance in Virginia. Cons: 14 hours in a Jeep Pros: a break from my normal routine, and actually stopping for five seconds to relax. For this, I am thankful.

I want to go to Africa. I am working towards this goal. I have stayed at my current job because of this goal. Why bother putting energy into finding a new job when I will leave for two months anyway? So despite low wages and under-appreciation from my higher-ups, I stayed. I have been available any and every time they need me. I do what I'm asked without complaining (usually). Yesterday I was told by my manager (in the back) that, if I go to Africa, I will not have a job there (in the back) when I return. Though this was a change from what she told me just a few months ago... I'm not sure it made a difference. I do not believe continuing with this job would be a good use of my time. There are certainly better choices I could make for myself. Yet, the finality of the conversation sent me spinning. I will no longer have a steady job. I will no longer have a steady paycheck. I will still have steady bills.

I knew it was coming. And I still panicked.

Immediately after our conversation, I went to get a vaccine. TwinRix [Hep A + Hep B] good times. For weeks all I've heard was about how painful it is. I was focusing on a) saying the Lord's Prayer (it's my ting in times of "extreme" stress) b)relaxing my arm and c) not puking and/or fainting on the pharmacist. (Success on all counts, btw!) I ran a few errands. Then I ran home to get a grip on myself.

I grabbed my to-do binder, my journal and my Bible. I wrote a quick entry in my journal, unloading my immediate fears, thoughts and concerns on paper. Then, after this emotional purging exercise, I grabbed my Bible and frantically found Matthew 6: 25-34:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I started with verses 31 through 34 (see purple section). After I had thought about those for a minute, in the context of my situation, I started from the beginning of the passage. It is a passage I've turned to time and time again. I can almost say it word for word by memory. Somehow it is always that much better when I am reading it, as opposed to just reciting it.

I calculated my current and impending expenses and wages I would make before my trip. I spoke to a few of my friends to get some more apprehension out of my system.

Then I made food for the next three days of work. And I got ready for bed.

As nerve racking as yesterday was, today was THAT awesome!

I woke up, basically, on time. Washed three loads of laundry and showered. Went in to work because though Tuesdays are my off days, there was some debate as to if I was needed (I wasn't). Talked to my front end manager and the buyer while I was there. Ran an errand for them. Stopped at the local bakery (I had a gift certificate) and Aldis, to stock up on more nuts for my evening snack. Came home to change out of my work clothes, eat lunch and get back on my to-do list. I washed more laundry, in addition to putting away laundry - probably everything I've washed this year. Finding time to wash laundry is easy; finding time to actually put it away is not. I've sorted, rearranged, and organized for hours.

As apprehensive as I was last night, tonight I am fulfilled.

Tomorrow will be a new day with new challenges, but tonight I am content. For this, I am thankful.

Holiday Hangover

I'm still alive! All of my baking was a success! Last night I made chocolate lava cakes which were a huge hit - and super easy! That temporarily wraps up my holiday baking. (You know... until next weekend. I desperately need more sugar cookies!) Today I have class, and I was supposed to have the rest of the day off. Naturally, things never go as planned - so I'm working 1-close. Boo... I did a lot of cleaning yesterday. The unfortunate part of living in an old house is that dust + my allergies = misery the morning after. Yuck!

So far this season, I have baked five pies (1 pear, 1 pecan, 2 pumpkin and 1 lemon meringue), 3 loaves of banana bread, 1 batch of sugar cookies (already decimated), chocolate pecan fudge, 2 types of buffalo dip, and those lava cakes. I think that's it. (I think... who knows) And I've been making lots of popcorn, with butter and Parmesan cheese. It's my latest obsession! So I spent most of my holiday weekend happily in the kitchen! My best friend, the PDA-prone one, got engaged! She came over to my house Saturday morning before I was going to work. I hadn't had my second cup of caffeine yet, and I think I was slightly confused as to why she was coming. Then she pulled her hand out of her coat pocket and I think I just stared at it, still slightly confused. (That second cup of tea really does make all the difference...) While I think I was in shock, and not awake enough to supply a super exuberant response, her sister made up for it.

Upside: my best friend is getting married!
Downside: my best friend is getting married...

This is where the (mental) hangover comes in. This means I should work out more regularly. You know, if I want to enjoy looking back on these wedding photos later. Also, I guess this means I have to grow out my hair. AGAIN. Okay, these minor details aside... Seriously, there are certain people who think I should be married by now! More like I should have gotten married yesterday! At work, two of my coworkers are pregnant, and they also know my best friend so I know I'm going to be bombarded with questions... Seriously, my coworker thought I was going to tell her that I eloped in Florida! I'm not eloped, not married, not pregnant! Can't people take a chill pill? There is a front staff Christmas party this weekend. I must admit, if it means talking about the engagement all night, I'm not looking forward to it. I need a diversionary tactic...

Dolphins! It's perfect! Everyone loves dolphins...right? And tale-less dolphins get you bonus points! (Yeah... like that will work...) I could distract them with food! If I took my cinnamon rolls, they couldn't talk while they were eating! At the very least, I have to work the next morning so I can use that to excuse an early exit if needed.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12: 12

Oh well, until then I'm focused on the "game room": aka a room that used to be my older brother's. He didn't clean out all of his stuff when he moved. Neither did my parents. They did put more stuff in it... So now, how many years later, it's a disaster. A disaster that I am slowly cleaning, reorganizing and arranging. (Hence death by allergies) I'd really, really like to completely finish it by Christmas. This whole work thing is overrated...

Thanksgiving

It's Saturday!!! This means that after one more shift, I have another long weekend. A long weekend to think about everything that has happened in the last week, how it should (and should not) affect me in the long run. Recent work developments have been... interesting. I can't focus on that right now. I need to get ready for the holidays. [Okay, maybe I've already decorated. I only have one miniature 18" tree that remains undecorated... but I haven't watched any Christmas movies!] I mostly have to help my family get ready for the holidays. [Cue forced annual viewing of "White Christmas" with my mom and brothers.] And cleaning up some old stuff in my brother's room and getting rid of it before my mom can notice...

This week I'm going to take a step back and take the time to enjoy. Last night I finally watched "Sweet November"; I love that movie! Of course I was all snuggled up with a mug of hot tea. The Christmas tree was lit, and my little man, of the feline persuasion, was purring next to me. Not a bad way to spend an evening! I'm bound for work soon, again. After work, the first immediate thing on my to-do list this weekend is going shopping with my baby brother! And later this week, next week really, watching that movie about those vampires with my best friend! Until then, I guess other movies will have to do. I'm also really, really looking forward to running while the sun is still shining! It makes such a difference! Night runs in the winter are no fun...

Growth Spurt

Today was an unexpectedly hectic day. I couldn't actually tell you the last time I had a day off. Considering this, my coworker only scheduled me for a half day. Good in thought; bad in practice. I didn't actually leave until 3.5 hours after I was supposed to have left. (Upside: God loves me and I somehow evaded a parking ticket. Work was so busy I didn't think about feeding my meter, nor would I have had time.)

So after a full day of work, I made it home. I'm thankful I made it to my house in one piece because I didn't eat breakfast before going to work. I didn't take breaks to eat. I'm not even sure I took breaks to go to the bathroom... But as I walked to my car, I was beginning to feel slightly light-headed. Pulling into the driveway without any automobile mishaps was definitely a plus. I spent some time unwinding with my parents. (If you can call it that.) We ate dinner and then I went to a Christian Education Committee meeting at Church.

With my Pastor's impending departure (this is his last Sunday), things are getting tense. Decisions are being made quickly, possibly too quickly. There is the fear that decisions have been made without discernment and they might cause future hardships. Of course moot point: anything could cause future hardships.

At this meeting I had a breakthrough. A Christ moment. I know I've been doing this a lot lately... but this deserves an entirely separate post. I'm just amazed at how, when I am focused on living for Christ and according to His word, everything that I'm wrestling with seems to be revealed to me!

Humpday Humor

Trish: "How does stuff work? it looks too liquidy"
Me: "I don't know, maybe it's a non-Newtonian fluid"
Trish: "Did you just ask if it was a plutonium fluid???"


and then I laughed for five minutes straight


my life = priceless!

Frantic Friday

I'm going to dress up as a punching bag for Halloween. That's how everyone seems to be treating me this week.

Okay, not everyone is treating me unkindly. Not even the majority of people. Just two people. Yet somehow, those two people create a cloud of negativity that all of the positive people in my life cannot merely brush away. That 10 hour disaster shift I mentioned Wednesday? 9am - 7pm. I didn't take my lunch break until 4pm. It really was that crazy. I only took my lunch break then because that is when I had to leave one part of the store to go work in another section. Thankfully, my sweet, kind coworker wouldn't let me lift a finger - unless it involved clocking myself out and taking my lunch break. She has also worked in the other section of the store. She refuses to go back unless she absolutely has to, but she always has a sympathetic ear when I need it. The worst part of that shift was getting yelled at by one person in particular for things that I could not control. I even went above and beyond, and a mistake that was made was actually her fault! Even though I took measures to verify steps (steps that she insisted we implement to avoid mistakes, ironically), SHE still made the mistake! I understand that no one is perfect, and if a mistake upsets you that is completely fine. Vent your frustrations, but please do not take frustrations out on me when it is not my mistake.

Another coworker, though I have to use that term loosely. She is a coworker because my boss pays her a salary for her services. She does not actually work on site. She only comes on site for business meetings. She has probably been on site 10 times OR LESS. A few weeks ago she emailed me requesting a project to be completed. I turned in the project, completed to the best of my ability with little instructions given to me. She asked me to redo it because of a qualification she would like that she had never initially mentioned!!! At my shift yesterday I checked my work email (an account I do not check at home if at all possible) and found a three paragraph email from her critiquing things I'm doing well and not so well. Including ideas that are not accurate and another mention of investigating our website for information. As an on site employee (of four years to her one year) I know that our website is horrendous! It contains outdated information, pictures of staff that haven't been there for six months or more, and says we offer features that, while intended, never made it into the realm of reality. And because I am on site and she is not, I think there is a huge discrepancy in our communication. "When you say ______ I think of _______ but I'm not sure if that is what you think of when you say ______." I have written an email to clarify these differences. I merely drafted it though. I didn't want to send out anything while experiencing the initial sting of her caustic remarks.

A blogger that I love to read recently wrote a "what a difference a year makes" post. Mainly detailing what a disaster her life was the previous year, all of the dark times she wandered through and finally the joy of things ultimately working out and leading her to a much more positive place. I can totally relate! At this time last year, I had just celebrated my birthday when I had found out my brother and his wife separated - mere days before I had to put on a happy face for my coworkers wedding. The next week I traveled to compete in the Rock 'n Roll VB half marathon and was preparing for my dear best friends wedding. The wedding that was amazing - but also lead to an emotional-disaster year. I devoted time and energy to two guys who said all the right things. One ended up being a tool. The other... well, I'm still figuring him out.

The last month - starting with my birthday! - has been one of the most miserable months. I feel like a walking disaster area. So here's to a new season! Here's to trying to live my life without being a disaster, putting my time and energy into more positive, rewarding endeavors, figuring out what I want in life and figuring out if that lines up with what God has planned for me!!! One of my favorite verses: "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4 And for today: here's to egg sandwiches for breakfast, dark chocolate and hot tea, and here's to acing my first exam for the training class I'm taking for work!!! Here's to dancing around like an idiot to the songs on my iPod!!! Here's to turning this frantic Friday into something more fabulous than frantic... Wish me luck!!!

Belated Birthday

“Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.” –Marsha Petrie Sue

After such a crummy week, I got to spend the day getting a little TLC and girl time with my best friend. Her sweet boyfriend even put up with me in my semi-bummed state, and paid for all of our desserts. We went to Bravo! in Pittsburgh. I got chocolate lava cake with vanilla-bean gelati topped with chocolate sauce! Yum! It wasn't the perfect chocolate cake of my dream... but it was definitely a worthy runner-up!

Now I begin another crazy work week. Chinese leftovers for lunch today - yes!!! And going to the track to run off said leftovers after work - double yes!!! I'm scheduled all six days this week, and I've scheduled myself four runs. Just short, 3 mile stints. More to unwind after work, and mental health, than anything else. I will not be hitting any new PRs this week. I'm crazy enough to work a full day, including at least one more 10hr shift, and then go to the track. My runs this week are just about getting to the track and slow, enjoyable runs.

Also, *gasp* I'm going to be cutting out some computer time. What? Yes, it's true. The more time I need to spend on my computer at work (which is...well, quite a lot) the less I want to stare at this screen when I get home. But no worries, I will still make time for my blog. Aside from my running plans, I'm still feeling quite deflated. I'm hoping to perk up a bit with a lovely fall candle scent (orange and cinnamon), lots of movies and even some "reality" television. So bad, but so good. Definitely my guilty pleasure. And I have no qualms admitting that. While I realize these shows are #1 not reality and #2 just pathetic, I also realize that the people in my life who are most prone to criticizing these programs are also those who watch lewd humor that I don't find enjoyable. I do want to limit television for the record, but as I pointed out to my guy friend, for the time being these shows are comfort food in the form of television. So here's to watching bad "reality" television while knocking off another to do list or two. And finding a new home for George. (more on that later) Because otherwise I'm going to bust out the Christmas tree. And it's not even September just yet...

Lastly, my pastor announced he is leaving our church. He has been here for 18 years. It will be at best a challenging transition, and will definitely require a lot of change, soul searching, pruning, and growing.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." -Hebrews 12:1