The thing you aren't supposed to say

In certain areas of my life I am thriving! In other areas - in the important areas, I have been settling. In my Christian walk, and in my love life, I have been settling.

First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.

I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.

I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.

I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.

Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.

Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.

These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.

What I'm doing this weekend

What do you get when you have the holidays and a cold?...

True story.
All I need is honey, warm tea, and my bed.

Where The Rubber Meets the Road

I traveled with one large suitcase and two carry-on bags. Stuffed with clothes, OTCs, magazines, my netbook, a digital camera, a video camera, and my Bible. With everything I would have for the next nine weeks.

It filled up the wardrobe in my room in South Africa. It easily fit into the closet in my room in Zambia. I was repeatedly struck by the fact that I didn't miss anything I had left at home. For quite some time, even before my time in Africa I believe, there was a nagging question in the back of my head: "who would I be without all of my stuff?"

The question has plagued me in a persistent fashion. My co-workers wonder how much more I can get rid of. They probably question my new-found aversion to things. Since I have been home, I have regularly and consistently purged my material items. Something will make the cut, only to sit around unused for another  month. It might not be so lucky the next round. The dilemma is this: I bought things when I was younger, thinking that my life would be a certain way. Now that I am older, I don't want that life. A safe life with perfectly manicured Christmas trees, tables with fine dishware, and organized trinkets displaying precious memories throughout a home. I would love to go back to Africa. What good will my stuff do sitting in boxes for years? When someone else could use it and enjoy it? It's not even about Africa, really. I loved my time in Africa and would willingly go back if given the opportunity! But I would hope to be "on-call" to go wherever I may be called on a seconds notice. Whether it's Florida, Pakistan, or Africa. I don't want to be encumbered by the emotional weight of what to do with my things. I want to willingly go with joy and readiness.

We got quite a bit of snow yesterday and, as per usual, the roads were untreated and miserable for driving. I went to Church in the morning so the youth could practice their Christmas program. I drove home and was glad to pull in to my driveway safe and sound. On top of the snow, it has also been very, very cold here, so I was thrilled by the chance to stay home where it is nice and warm. It was a good chance to get caught up on things that can fall by the wayside in a busy week. Financial things, laundry, etc along those lines. I've been tweaking a few things in my room in anticipation of the new year. 2013 was an amazing year filled with love, adventure, heartbreak, new experiences, heartbreak, disappointment and lots of lessons - and I am ready for it to be over! In my room, I had displayed my four foot artificial Christmas tree. My room has gone through several transformations this year, and recently I rearranged my shelving unit that holds my clothes. The Christmas tree had sat in the same spot it has every year, in front of what was formerly the home of a bookshelf and is now the home of  my shelving unit. The tree proved to be an annoyance when getting dressed on weekends, as it challenged access to some of my casual clothes. On Friday I went to work later in the morning, so I was up early. I had bought a new lamp for that corner of the room and was rearranging the lighting. This project was also greatly hampered by my Christmas tree. Being artificial it was fairly easy to pull out, towards the middle of the room, and then push back when I was done. This didn't prevent it from being an annoyance though.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I had been pulling items to donate or sell earlier in the week. Trying to discern what actually adds something to my life versus just consuming space. NBC was re-airing their live broadcast of 'The Sound of Music Live!' I love the story, and there were several local Pittsburgh natives involved with the production. (And this the part that I don't exactly remember.) I had started with taking down the pictures from Africa I had displayed in my room, with the intent of mixing things up and coming up with a different way to display them. I was going to get rid of the magnetic collage boards I had been using. (Like I said, pointless to keep in storage if I had the chance to go back to Africa.) Then it was my stereo, that I have had since the 90s. The CD deck stopped working, and I don't listen to the radio all that frequently, so I opted to give that to charity. I was removing it from the shelf on my bookcase where it has sat for the last 10+ years. I think I will move my betta tank there, as that shelf is more difficult for the cat to reach and she has been especially into my betta fish lately - it makes me nervous that one day I'm going to come home to a mess of an aquarium that has been knocked over... Anyway, the next thing I know the question was back in my mind. "Who would I be without my stuff?"

Who would I be without my stuff? What would life be without my Christmas tree? I love Christmas, but does Christmas really require a Christmas tree? Especially a tree that has been getting on my nerves more often than providing enjoyment? I decided that the four foot tree was merely a purchase. It was a collection of ornaments I had bought at my job - nothing sentimental. I have another tree that I bought at my job, years before I worked there. It is an 18 inch miniature tree that I bought because I have miniature ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother. It is much more sentimental, not to mention stuffed to the gills with ornaments. It is more manageable to leave in the box, and in the event that I am in the US for Christmas, that will be my go-to tree. I decided to give the four foot tree to charity. But would I regret it? My gut told me no, and though I still had some apprehension, at one in the morning I undecorated and packed up my Christmas tree.

While I was collecting items, before my Christmas tree met its demise, I kept thinking what a waste it all is. I was debating the merits of whether or not to own all of these things that do not greatly influence my life, while my mind went to the people I had met in Africa who owned so little but were still immensely grateful. I don't need it, any of it. So for the next few weeks I will continue to question why I own what I own. I don't expect that 2014 will be an easier year, but I believe it will be a happier year. It's like Paul said:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." -Philippians 4:11 [NIV]

I will choose to be content in the here and now. I will choose to be happy.

pay attention.

One.

One year. Since an argument that was a catalyst for everything that happened these last twelve months. Since I found out who else was in the February intake: the seven people I would be spending my time in Africa with. Fast forward to South Africa, a breakup, Zambia, my best friends wedding, job advancement, traveling to Wisconsin to be with the Hands USA Family, and growing accustomed to a constant state of change. What a crazy year it has been!

For the first time in a few weeks, I finally have time to just "be." As always, I'm feeling unsettled. My Christmas trees are up and my Advent wreath is ready, but aside from that my room is a mess. I wish I could have an extended amount of time to hole up in my room. To take the time to put everything in it's proper place, and to get my head on straight. I feel immensely grateful for this year: for everything that has happened, both the ups and the downs, but I must admit I feel very drained. I'm always unsure. Was I too bold? Too honest? Did I say too much, or not enough? Are my motives understood or misinterpreted? This fire is also fueled by the work I do, under a constant spotlight of coworkers, not to mention constant critique from our customers. And I have memorized some of our medications at the corresponding cells in our robot. Proof I work too much and need to get out more.

A few weeks ago, I did get a chance to break out of the work bubble. I went to dinner and coffee with a dear friend that I hadn't seen all summer. It was a truly great time, I hadn't laughed that much in months! Since then I have been busy with work, Church, Youth Group, meetings, and getting ready for the holidays. I have squeezed in a couple visits to my brother's in Pittsburgh. It is an easy drive, but with traffic I always find it to be tiring. By the time I get home and pull in the driveway, I can feel the tension in my shoulders and I am ready for bed! We took them to the Zoo earlier this month; I made one trip when my nephews were with their mom, and one other when they were around and I had a day off from work. They are my favorite boys and they light up my life! Since my last visit, I have been busy prepping my Christmas presents for them. I have wrapped most of what I had, aside from the clothes (because more are coming) and stocking-stuffers. I still have a few more presents for them coming in the mail.

My other hobbies as of late have included watching old movies I have on DVD, balancing my budget and attempting to be a responsible adult, and of course drinking my weight in hot chocolate on a daily basis. I make my own from scratch: the stuff is worth being savored! And, in case you missed it, yes I did mention earlier that my Christmas tree is decorated. Naturally, since that bit is taken care of, I have been giving some serious thought to another favorite holiday tradition: New Years Resolutions. I know,  I am an over-achiever and make the rest of you look bad, I know - my co-workers tell me this all the time! But there is just something so romantic about the possibility of having a clean slate, a fresh start. And really, I don't ski - what else do you expect me to do with my time for the cold winter months prior to spring. (When I'm not drinking hot chocolate, obviously.) Nothing on my resolutions list is crazy or unpredictable. This is not a complete list, but here are a few of my goals: Run more, pack my lunch everyday for work (takeout is too expensive to inhale on a lunch break alone, it should be savored in the presence of good company), drink more water, spend money more wisely (save more), spend more time intently engaging with friends and family, keeping TV to a minimum if watched at all, and relearning German. I don't know if that is the appropriate term, and I imagine it will start coming back to me. (I studied German for 6.5 years beginning in the sixth grade.) For whatever reason, I got into the German one today. It's been on my wish list forever, probably since I stopped taking classes and actively studying it. I changed my Facebook account language to German, so I will see it everyday, and I rewrote out everything in my to-do notebook in German. (day of the week, date, month, work schedule and anything else currently on my calendar) I also have a German translation of the New Testament. My extended family tend to always have their own gatherings for holidays, so aside from my nephews the holidays are fairly quiet. A few gatherings with friends here and there, but I am hoping I will have enough time over the next month to tie up loose ends and pending projects so I can actually start the new year refreshed with a clear head.

All in all, I am blessed. I am aware of my blessings, and I feel more whole than I have in quite some time. I want to savor this next month, because I know as fast as it will go, the following three chilly months will drag on...

Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones near and far!

Halloween

Sometimes when I begin typing "google" into the address bar, it defaults to "google.co.za/" this makes my heart happy. so happy.

It's Halloween in America. Happy Halloween, I guess. I like Halloween in that it triggers memories of my childhood, colonial America, and history. I automatically associate Halloween with The Crucible, the Salem Witch Trials, The Village, etc. The Crucible is much cooler than wandering the streets in costumes and eating junk candy, in my opinion. In other context, Halloween means two very important things: Thanksgiving is coming, and it is (mostly) socially acceptable to listen to Christmas music. Happy Times.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving comes late this year. Not until November 28th. That is nearly a month away. In my disgust of nothing worthwhile being on TV, and in combination with my desire to abandon everything I cling to from the past, I unplugged my TV and DVD player. I plan on hiding the remotes, I just haven't decided on the best place. I won't have any reason to watch TV until Thanksgiving, when I will probably want to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade for nostalgia, if nothing else. I'm hoping this will also help me tame the demon "want" by limiting the amount of advertisements that I see/hear on a daily basis. Despite my intentions, it's been quite some time since I've had a proper TV fast. I'm not sure how it will go, or how it will make me feel but I'm optimistic.

I am optimistic in general in spite of being constantly heartbroken. The other day I was reading something my friend Jayme had posted about the chocolate industry and slave labor in Africa. It literally made me sick to my stomach and needless to say I am figuring out how I can transition to only fair-trade chocolate. God is changing my heart. I'm surrounded by so much that has little to no impact on my life. God is encouraging me to learn how to love more by loving less. Loving less "things" will allow me to direct more love towards people and into relationships. Things are such a drain. They drain your focus, time, energy. Things need maintained. Things cling onto your soul so tightly so that you think you need them. Because you "might use them one day" or because you think they make you, or your life, better. I see people who cling onto everything so tightly because "they might use it one day." They have so many things that they end up not using anything. I am human. I like things. I like having things. Even when I don't use them. Even when they don't make my life better. But I want to love God more. I want to put more energy into my relationships than into maintaining my things. Having things is work. You have to maintain them, organize them, and they don't give you anything in return. Relationships with people need maintained as well, but at least there is give and take. I want to live a bold life for God, with less, and less, and less things until I can fit all of my belongings, give or take, into a suitcase. Having a great number of things is a burden, but choosing to not have a great number of things is also a burden. I have to constantly be on guard, remind my head that my heart does not need that "life changing" thing. That possessions do not improve my life, that relationships do. And that I can't take things to heaven when I go. One item at a time, I will eventually get there. My heart will get a little closer to where God is leading me.

my extended African family

It's the Hands at Work USA Family Reunion weekend! It is the first time all of the USA advocates are getting together. Not everyone can make it unfortunately, but I'm excited. I've only met a handful of people in person. I've messaged a handful of others on Facebook. But today is the day. Today I am driving to the Pittsburgh Airport, after stopping at my brothers to drop off a few things, and flying to Chicago. I was planning on taking a shuttle by myself, but Sara called me yesterday with some news. I'm landing in Chicago at the right time. If all goes well, I will meet up with our founder, George, who is visiting from Africa and three other Americans and we will all take a hired van together. I am excited about this weekend. For everyone I will meet and for the stories we will share.

I am not looking forward to the last 30 minutes of my drive to the airport. I am praying it will be swift and stress free with no major hiccups. George says: "if you are comfortable in your life, then you are relying on yourself rather than on God..." WELL I will definitely be relying on God to get me through the morning rush hour on my way to the airport. yikes... prayers for safe travels for everyone traveling to and from the reunion this weekend are appreciated!

What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change

When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...

and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)

I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.

Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]


Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.

So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

August

 After last week's killer work schedule... [can I say 'overtime'?!] I came home Friday an hour early, because I was already in the dreaded territory of OT. I spent the evening attacking my closet and by the next morning my determination had set in. Saturday began with a shopping trip for new steel shelf, completely rearranging my closet, my room, moving a bookcase (while it was still full, no less - this is a bad choice, no matter how good it seems at the time), and four movies later... I have a new, fantastic, room spread! I spent the majority of Sunday recovering. Don't worry, of course I made time for disc golf!

I woke up to the crisp, chill of something that seems a lot like fall... While I am in no hurry to rush summer, I have to admit: I'm a little bit excited. I may or may not go out and splurge on some scented candles while my laundry is in the machines. I'm so excited for the promise of these next few months. While there are things in my life I'm not totally thrilled with, I'm pretty happy and mostly optimistic. And of course tonight is the night of nights: The Season Finale of the Bachelorette!!! I'm super excited to see what happens. I can't help it: I'm a sucker for love in the worst way. And I was reading a list of MSN Entertainment's "Who Should Be The Next Bachelor" and look at this gem: (yes I included the link and text: I don't want anyone to be too lazy to see this gem!)

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/who-should-be-the-next-bachelor/photo-gallery/feature/?photoidx=7

Who should be the next Bachelor?

James Wolk, "Mad Men" (AMC)
James Wolk plays extremely private office cipher Bob Benson on "Mad Men." Wolk, 28, seems delightfully low-maintenance: When discussing "Lone Star" (a FOX vehicle that ran for only two episodes), Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures. This is why they say to keep an eye on the quiet ones.

And again, the wisdom of James Wolk,  "Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures." I think I'm in love. With his advice at the very least!

So I'm very excited to watch the Bachelorette make whatever decision she makes, spend more time focused on my family and friends, and enjoying everything Western PA has to offer. For once in my life doing what makes me entirely happy and not sensoring it based on the opinions of another person. Because everyone still in my life will find happiness in my happiness without critiquing me. Everyone in my life can enjoy my joys in harmony, not damper them with conditions or their differing wants. We all love the same things, and that is a blessing.

And, it's the month of my birth! holla!

Keep It Classy Indiana

 First, when I was still in Africa, there was this:

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2013/02/hottest-colleges-2013/62153/

And now this:

http://www.creditdonkey.com/small-cities-beer.html



but no, I still don't drink beer.
Keep it Classy Indiana...

what is not, will never be

A Healing Heart

Last night I couldn't sleep. my heart was breaking. I had spent the weekend celebrating my best friend's wedding. the mother of the bride left the rehearsal dinner because the bows for the seat covers at the reception came in the wrong color. I never understood the materialization of contemporary weddings in Westernized countries, but after going to Africa...it's even more perplexing to me. for all the planning and decoration, why wasn't the reception more enjoyable? if all this stuff was to make the bride happy, why wasn't it ensuring happiness for the rest of us? while I had a great time dancing with the friends and family of the bride and groom, the moment I stopped the hollow feeling would return. Finally last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss Africa. I miss speaking in Bemba. I miss having someone to speak in Bemba too. I miss being around people who took the time to really try to understand you and your feelings and help you understand how to use those feelings to grow. I miss being around people who understand what it is to live with so little, and the fact that it isn't so hard/difficult/miserable/impossible as western culture would have us believe.

I know God will use these feelings for something, so I give thanks for that, but I don't know where I'm going next, and that is the hardest part.

Just A Glimpse

Well kids, contrary to popular belief I have not fallen off the face of the earth. However, I have been a busy, busy bee. For the last month, I have been adjusting to my new responsibilities at work. The last few weeks I have managed to make it to the trail more often than not. I go before work a) because no one else is around and I enjoy the quiet time and b) because I'm much less likely to sunburn that early. I have also re-watched the entire Harry Potter series. I even watched the last four movies twice, because I can do what I want. Of course, now I have to reread them because you just can't cram all of those details into a 2+ hour movie. I have also been quilting. That's right: I watch Harry Potter while putting together patchworks. I'm 27 going on 77. But, as previously stated, I do what I want. My most recent finished project is my Bible cover, because I was tired of its dust cover looking much worse for wear. Here it is:

 front cover:

back cover:

I'd like to think it's very "me", whatever that entails. But I enjoy it, and I didn't have to buy a book cover that I wasn't crazy about, and I used fabric that was already lying around so it was a fun, easy project. I have a bunch of things I plan on making in the same theme, probably including something for my netbook and a purse. Also, I finally hemmed four pairs of pants that have been on my "to-do" list for...honestly, years [minus one pair of work pants that were a recent addition] what can I say? Short girl problems... I'm also getting ready to turn some of my dresses from my trip to Africa into skirts, that I'll hopefully get to wear in Africa again one day. And I'm going to get around to working on my chitenge. Busi gave me advice on sewing a string into the top to make it more secure. The chitenge will be the dark navy peacock print fabric, which I bought in the Kitwe Markets in Zambia. [And yes Dave, I still think that print is fabulous!]

Speaking of Africa, I also completed a 35 page scrapbook with photos, mementos, etc, from my two months there. And, contrary to popular belief, I am kind of creative sometimes. Ok maybe not creative persay, but I play with oil paints, which counts for some level of creativity, right? Anyway, I painted the scrapbook cover. I painted the Africa part around five years ago, and I got the idea for the rest in May.

Regardless of creativity, I had a blast painting and really like how it turned out. So there you have it: I read children's books, sew, scrapbook, and attempt to paint. Add cooking and baking to that list. Currently I have been testing out cookie recipes in order to decide what cookies I'm making for my best friend's wedding reception. Throw in a local Strawberry festival with my favorite dates: my two nephews!, celebrating my best friend's upcoming wedding with an afternoon of wine tasting and an evening cooking lesson with Miss Laurie, lots of catchup with my girlfriends and disc golf with good friends.

In a few weeks I'm giving a presentation on my Africa trip at my Church. It is mind-boggling to try and wrap my head around everything that I saw and experienced into one presentation, but figuring out how to do that is the next project on my agenda. I was reading through my first journal, but I need to go back and finish because, surprise surprise, I got distracted. It is hard to think about my mindset prior to my experiences in Africa compared to what it is now. In some ways, I haven't changed all that much, but in other ways I have changed dramatically. Night and day. I'm immensely thankful and grateful. I'm happy where I am at this moment, but there is always regret towards the past and apprehension when I think about the uncertainty of the future. When my best friend got engaged, I of course imaged where I would be in my life when we were celebrating her marriage, and where I am vs where I thought I would be couldn't be farther apart. The disappointment that goes along with that realization might be palatable, but the anger is my current stumbling block. It's all part of life though, and with some more time to enjoy life - by doing what I want when I want and living by my own rules, I'll sort my feelings out and be right as rain again. Being at home has been far from easy. I have ups and downs all the time. In all honesty, I'd rather be in Africa, but I have to admit that overall it's shaping up to be a pretty fun summer here at home. I'm trying to enjoy it while I can, because I have no idea what God has in store for my future!

she can't help but love him

She drives down on Sunset
With the windows down
Just so she can let it in
She knows he's far-gone now
But there still are pieces
Pieces there still left of him

He uses love like a bullet from a gun
She's careful like a surgeon
Everywhere he goes they all know to run
But she can't help but love him
Love him

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Still

I am still cleaning, still purging. Slowly but surely reducing the amount of things I own. the things that I put energy into. The catch is embracing where I am in life and who I am in this season vs who I have been. Finding my identity in my potential, as a Christian, as a woman, and as a being, vs in the things I own. I've been having an internal debate dialogue about my textbooks. Should I sell them? Donate them? Keep them? What would be the point of keeping them? Will I actually ever use them again? The answer? I will probably never use them again. I'm not sure grad school is in my future. If it is, the books will probably be outdated. If I'm not sold on grad school, why would I bother keeping them? I think I still derive so much of my identity from school, despite having graduated nearly three years ago. Our society is so focused on what we do. It's all about our careers and how we make money. How much money we make. Not how we treat people, or how we enrich our lives with meaningful things. We obsess over the stock market and 401Ks and retirement. On bettering our lives in the future - but at the cost of diminishing our lives now. At least that's how things look from my perspective.

I have today off. I'm looking forward to it. To getting rid of yet more stuff. To challenging myself and hopefully opening myself up for growth, and shifted perspectives for the future. What's important vs what's not. Of embracing and focusing on what I can control or change, and not being distracted by things I cannot control. God has a plan for me, even when I don't know what it is.

Priceless

The Purge Continues

So, despite waking up at 3am and not functioning entirely well at work, I have somehow made it to 11:30pm: and it was a productive evening to boot! Having finished the closet purge, I was focused on other miscellaneous things that have been taking up space. Now I am on the verge of falling asleep at any given moment, but it was worth it! Now if only I had a box big enough to box all this stuff...

The Great Closet Experiment

I just realized I didn't take any pictures. Good for me...bad for you.

Spending two months in Africa living out of a suitcase is good perspective. I took the largest suitcase I own. One I rarely use, because (ironically) I hate packing a lot of clothes. Even the guys had larger suitcases that I did. I left half of my shirts in Zambia. I left even more clothes in South Africa. Yet, somehow, the suitcase came home full. It boggles my mind! But I digress... those two months were very telling. I had limited clothes. Limited everything really. I had access to buy anything I needed, but only bought what I truly needed *gasp* because I was on a budget. because I was serving the people of Africa. My life wasn't solely wrapped up in my wants and needs.

Coming home I knew I had a lot of clothes. I knew I wanted to get rid of clothes. I knew I wanted to go back to Africa for a year, or more. If you've read my blog you know I am no stranger to closet purges. Yes, somehow, it is possible that I still have that many clothes left.

My initial week back in the country was all about survival. Making it to work. Staying awake on American time. That was it. I wanted to be kind to myself. [Read: I let myself be lazy.] My friend posted on facebook about going through her closet, and though it was something I knew I wanted - and needed - to do yet again, I didn't think I could handle it. [Read: I wasn't sure I would be decisive enough to make any progress.] But it kept nagging. I want to lose weight, so there was the thought that I could focus on losing weight and then revisit the closet. Except the nagging feeling persisted. I thought that maybe the nagging would overwhelm any motivation I had to work out. So I just started....

The place I work implemented a new dress code: only company work wear. Printed polos, etc. When I'm spending 40 hours a week in work clothes - that can only be official work clothes, it drastically reduces the opportunity I will have to wear my other clothes. Insert statistics about people and the fact that 80% of the time we only wear 20% of our wardrobe, etc etc etc. So I just started. [Read: I emptied out all of my drawers and my closet.] My ultimate goal would be to fit all of my wardrobe into one suitcase. Or as much as possible. I don't want to have an entire second wardrobe in storage long term, in the event that I do go back to Africa. I own some beautiful clothes. But they are just clothes. If I don't wear them, there really isn't a reason for me to even keep them. In a way, clothes are like spiritual gifts. [try to stick with me...] We talk so much about spiritual gifts, and how they aren't gifts unless you give them away. If I have the gift of hospitality but I don't use it, it isn't really a gift because no one is benefiting from it. If I don't wear the clothes in my closet, they aren't adding anything to my life. In this case, you can argue that they are detracting from my life. Using up space in my world without anything to show for it. And if I believe my clothes are that beautiful (which I do) but I am not wearing most of them (which I am not) then I should give them away so someone else can have the chance to wear them, right? Right.

So it began. I ruthlessly, quickly sorted through my clothes. Keep. Donate. Toss. Keep. Donate. Toss. I didn't take pictures. Maybe I should have, but I have already taken everything to charity this morning. Before I could question my decisions. Out with the old, in with the...currently owned. I'm not even done. [yikes...] The majority of my clothes are still in limbo, waiting to be put away. After I had delivered the latest conquests from my closet, I wrote a list of criteria the remaining items should meet in order to retain their place in my closet. I'll go through the rest of the clothes as I put them away, or in the next donation pile. Then I have to go through my shoes... And my books, and my 'stuff' ie anything that doesn't fit into a specific category and has yet to be specifically addressed.

Also, as excited as I am about cleaning out my closet - and I am! - it is a big weekend! One of my best friend's is graduating from graduate school today! And the Missionary Ladies are having their annual Spaghetti Dinner (the tastiest spaghetti ever - it's made with love!) And my best friend is coming home this weekend! I haven't seen her for three months!!! Who's excited??? THIS GIRL!!!

My Heart is Breaking...

My heart is breaking in the most painful, most unexpected way.

I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.

My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.

Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.

My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.

It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.

It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.

Look Stupid

I have no qualms about looking stupid, making myself look stupid even - repeatedly! But, I think the tides just maybe, just maybe are turning! :-)

Growing Pains and Growth

Well here is the hard part.

Today was an absolutely beautiful 70 degree day here in Western PA. I pulled back my curtains and opened my windows. I did manage to do my laundry, and pull out a few things I need to get rid of after my breakup, but not much else. I have no energy or motivation. And now I am thoroughly enjoying a spring thunderstorm. My windows are still open, so I'm hopeless now. Cool breeze coming in and the sound of the rain. Perfection. I should sleep amazingly well tonight, if nothing else. That is the silver lining I suppose. I won't get a thing done, but I'll rest exceptionally well. Maybe that's what I need: an evening of absolutely nothing. Of just being.

I am not good at just being. Of just sitting. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm avoiding something that I should be doing. Normally the only one dictating what I should be doing is me though. I will come up with things that I should be doing, probably just because I feel like I need to be doing. I was better about doing 'nothing' when I was in Africa. Maybe because I was out of my usual parameters, and there wasn't a lot that needed to be done, in terms of things around the house, etc. And here I am: back at home, back to my old habits. I want to strive to keep some habits from Africa though. One of the habits I will strive for is the schedule:

-Monday morning: Morning Prayer (and Mens Prayer, but that's not relevant to me)
-Tuesday morning: Ladies Prayer
-Wednesday morning: Small Group
-Thursday morning: nothing!
-Friday morning: Digging Deeper/Hands on Deck/Word & Worship/Valley Prayer/Village Prayer...(it rotates)

SO, while I am still trying to figure out how to continue this schedule by myself, I know what will fill my Tuesday slot. My intention is to devote an hour on Tuesdays reading The Resolution for Women. I bought it awhile ago. I even started reading it once, but didn't get far. It's just been sitting on my bookshelf. Waiting. I'm not sure exactly what I think about it, I mostly bought it on a whim. My hope is that, if nothing else, it will be thought provoking. That it will challenge my perspective of myself and the world around me, and help me grow. I'm not sure how quickly, or slowly, I will get through it. It could really go either way: it might be a simple and straightforward quick read or it might be something that I spend time digesting after each chapter. Only time will tell, but either way I have several other books to read once I've finished that one.

Here I sit. Still listening to the rain and feeling amazingly relaxed. Or maybe I'm just tired. Either way, today, I'll take it.

love

serious food for thought: http://mashable.com/2013/04/15/dove-ad-beauty-sketches/

Lesson #1

Lesson #1: Never laugh at a Nigerian who is trying to tell you something...

Day Off!

Well after just one day back at work, I already have a day off!
I get to do about three loads of laundry. Put away all the random articles within my luggage.
Go to the grocery store for a few things. And go to Sheetz.
I am going to eat a delightful amount of food from Sheetz!
I'm going to eat my food from Sheetz while watching American TV,
as I pick up my life and put the pieces back together.

It's the little things, people!

Hit the ground running...

I picked up my life right where I left it.
I went back to work today. With my old co-workers at my old job.
It was easier than I thought. Too easy.
When you aren't doing something, sometimes you forget how good you are at it.
Our CEO even commented that she was surprised at how easily I picked up where I had left off.
No stupid questions. I didn't forget how to do anything.
My manager said she wasn't surprised at all. She called me a rockstar.

Being home is amazing, and awful.
It reminds me how much of love home.
It was a perfect Pennsylvania spring day. The day that makes you believe winter is truly over,
but it is still cool and calm. Not the busy, frenzy of summer just yet. Just blissful.
It reminds me how much I'll be leaving behind when I go back to Africa. Or anywhere.
The heart is so strong and yet so weak. Able to withstand great change and brave vastly foreign circumstances, and then be broken at the drop of a beloved familiar hat.
What a confusing, devoted love.

I worked a full shift. It was great to be back.
In my element. With my co-workers. With our customers.
It made my heart happy, and sad.
I survived without relying too much on caffeine.
But at this point, I am barely awake.
And probably not making sense. [Not that I'm convinced I ever make sense, but I digress...]
I have the day off tomorrow. This means I can sleep in. And do laundry. And a million other things.
And, of course, blog.

Wise Words

Call Me Courageous

A little Dave Barnes to commemorate this moment:
('this moment' being the first time waking up in my bed in North America in two months and all the things said and unsaid that goes along with that)



Call me courageous
Cause that's what I'm trying to be
We'll break through our silence
It's breaking its way through me

Without you I'm a sinner
Without you I'm a saint
Without you I can't do it
Without you I just can't

Growing a Gracious Heart: Part 1

So I am home, and awake. I am basically on EST for the most part. I'm still awake at 5am, but I'll deal.

Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.

I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.

I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.

I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.

[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]

food for my thoughts:

the definition of grace:

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace 

 listed synonym: mercy

 the meaning of gracious:

adjective: Courteous, kind, and pleasant, esp. toward someone of lower social status.

the meaning of generous:

adjective:  (of a person) Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

I will have to elaborate on this later. My brain is definitely back on EST and things don't seem to be coming together at this early hour. I'm sure my heart is going somewhere with this, but my brain can't seem to figure it out. So for now I might get some tea and snuggle back into bed with Angelina. to be continued...

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.

Last Hours

I'm down to my last hours in Africa.

Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.

After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.

After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.

I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV] 

I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real. 

I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.

So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home. 

I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.

But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family. 

But first...

Acts 26

New International Version (NIV)

26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”

So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: ² “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, ³ and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.
⁴ “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. ⁵ They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. ⁶ And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. ⁷ This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. ⁸ Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
⁹ “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. ¹⁰ And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. ¹¹ Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
¹² “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. ¹³ About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. ¹⁴ We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,^[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
¹⁵ “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. ¹⁶ ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. ¹⁷ I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them ¹⁸ to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
¹⁹ “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. ²⁰ First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. ²¹ That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. ²² But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— ²³ that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
²⁴ At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
²⁵ “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. ²⁶ The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. ²⁷ King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
²⁸ Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
²⁹ Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
³⁰ The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. ³¹ After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
³² Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”

Without you I’m just miles away...

 

They were sitting
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day 

 

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time 

 

Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

mamihlapinatapai

Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It

Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me

Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.

Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.

I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post.  It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!

South Africa

I am back in South Africa!!!

It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!

It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...

'oh wells'

 A friend posted this quote on their facebook today. Given the haphazard turns my life has taken during my trip here, I thought it was appropriate:



"I would rather a crazy life filled with 'oh wells' than a sane one filled with 'what ifs'"



of course, since I'm the ignoramus making all these decisions, I certainly hope I would feel this way after the fact: that everything will be worthwhile in the end.

Life in Kitwe

okay so my update didn't come quite so soon...

Kitwe is amazing! I live in a guest house in a room by myself, but there are four other tenants who live there. The communities, care workers and children are absolutely amazing. I do have a functioning television. I do not have internet access, hence the lack of updates.

For the weekend I am back at Kachele with two of the guys from my intake. We went out in Luanshya today to do some shopping and go out for lunch. It was really fun. Aside from that we played with Tawonga most of the day. It was really good. I'm feeling slightly disjointed; it's odd knowing this will be the last weekend I'm here at the farm in Zambia. I have been in Africa so long. Well, it feels like I've been here so long, but in reality I've been here just six weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I will actually feel when I am on American soil again. It will be a major adjustment, leaving Africa and everyone I have met here, everything I have done here. It's definitely causing some conflicting emotions, but I know it will be alright. As Alicia, my roommate in South Africa, would say: "it will all shake out" and another one: "life's a kick in the pants" but really, I'm trying to focus on the "it will all shake out" sentiment.

I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the season God has brought me to, for however long it lasts. I am trying to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions in my life. Thankfully, God still used them to bring me to a better place. I have to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions and very nearly made a mockery of my own life, and that I don't know best. I don't know what is best, I don't make the best decisions and at this point I basically have to throw up my hands and wait for God to lead me. And I am not patient. I don't like being patient and I'm not good at it. Lynn says that is important. That we embrace the uncomfortable moments. That we allow them to be periods where God molds us for what is next. I will let it happen, but I won't enjoy it. Not intrinsically. I guess I'm a control freak. I would also hazard to guess that is part of the problem. I am so impatient. I am definitely a victim of the instant gratification society. I also realize the six of the last seven sentences, including this one, is all about me. That is also the problem. It's not about me. It shouldn't be about me. I am temporal and insignificant and my life is meaningless without the existence of something bigger. Something bigger as in God. And that is the point, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. Despite how much we say we love Jesus, and how we strive to be Christ-like, we are still such self-serving creatures.

I hope to return to Africa for a longer stay. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not sure what that would look like in my mind compared to what God might have planned. I realize if I come back to Africa it will have to be on God's terms and not on my preconceived terms. Even when we realize that God is going to use us, and are in favor of that and willing to pursue that, it is still a challenge to completely set aside the mindset of self. To completely sacrifice our selfish ideas and motives. I don't know if I can successfully do that, but I know it is something I must strive for. The test will be when I land, walk off the plane, after being taken out of my African support system and left to my own devices. It will be an adventure. Probably a disaster... but an adventure none the less...