Holy 7 Months Batman! Sorry about that...
I can't believe IT'S SEPTEMBER. HOW did that happen??!!
Let's see. Last winter was miserably cold. Dealing with leaving my home church was awful. Dealing with my new church was great. Africa stuff is evolving in suprising ways. No plans to rellocate permanently, I'm staying involved stateside! Church went downhill. Some people at church became persistent, which annoyed me, so I left. Summer was uneventful, that is, until my dad died.
God is still sovereign. He is still good.
Work with Africa is still good. The US office is evolving, changing. It's challenging me in terrifying ways, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I'm loving every minute. I've had two skype meetings this week, one more to go. I'm going back to Africa in 2015. It will be a short and sweet trip. I am blessed.
And love? You'll have to wait to hear the verdict on that one, but I feel like I just might be on to something.
So here's to fall. To leaves and pumpkins and hot chocolate. To cool days snuggled up with a movie or book. To traveling for the Africa org, and for once a year to have the chance of being with each other in person. To celebrating the past while still being open to make new memories. To life and love.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
The Great Staycation of 2014
This post was written January 18th, the beginning of the staycation. after spending a week in the snow, and the chicken coop, I'm just now sitting down to publish it:
What a year it has been! 2013 was full of twists and turns. It ended with some serious revelations that led to 2014 starting off with a big bang! December 29th I was home with a case of pink eye, debating my fate. January 5th I was attending a new (to me) church for the first time and on January 12th I was telling my former Pastor that I had found a new home. January 13th I officially resigned from my responsibilities as a church deacon.
Then, to be frank, all hell broke loose. I hadn't discussed the individual details of my decision with my pastor. #1 I didn't think she'd really understand and #2 at that point it didn't matter. God had called me elsewhere, so I was going elsewhere. But unbeknownst to me, my father was telling the board of elders exactly why I was leaving and leaving no holds barred. It was a difficult discussion I am sure. I was grateful that my father would support me, but I had mixed feelings about how he approached the elders. I hadn't wanted to start drama and I did not relish the idea of being at the center of such a conflict. I cried many, many tears. It broke my heart, but ultimately I felt bad for how things came to light. I did not regret that they knew the truth and did not apologize for my beliefs. Today, January 18th, I met with my pastor one more time to clear the air.
Now here I sit, alone in a house. Just me, myself, and I. And three cats. It is a quiet house outside of town. I do not have access to the internet and only recently figured out how to work their television. Finding a new church home has been amazing, but leaving my last church home has been exhausting. These last few weeks have been very difficult, so it's fitting that I was already scheduled to house sit for this family. I'm sitting here with a cup of hot tea, snuggled under blankets and with a cat purring on my lap. No internet, no television, no distraction. God's timing is amazing! I already feel myself becoming more calm, my energy slowly being renewed.
Another example of God's impeccable timing is this: my father confronted the elders about my decision on the evening of January 13th. The watchword for 2014 was released (via facebook) the morning of January 14th (EST.) I was originally scheduled off that day, but as soon as Ashley and I had a chance to talk to each other about the watchword and how perfect it was, I was called in to work for my manager who was feeling ill. That meant that instead of sitting at home alone all day, agonizing over everything that happened the night before, I went in to work and kept busy all day, and mostly kept my mind from wandering to the topic of church! God is so good!
I have thought about the possibility of leaving my home church for years. I knew it would happen one day, and I knew that when it happened I would go out with a bang. I wasn't prepared for the inner struggle that it would cause, nor did I realize just how big of a bang I would cause... Thankfully God has placed amazing people in my life who were able to give me appropriate counsel. Who patiently listened to my heart, even when some of them weren't sure why I was so bothered in the first place. The mistakes of my home church were extensive, but, red flags or not, I ached. Before I made the decision, I read article after article, and listened to sound bytes of the most respected ministers of the day discussing the subject of when, why and how to leave a church. I listened to videos of George, because I thought if I could just hear his voice that something would resonate within me. One of Lynn's talks kept coming to mind, and in my moment of doubt Ashley reminded me of his words again. I was at my lowest low. I knew I was doing the right thing - and I knew that this was the part of my journey where God would have to carry me until I found my feet again.
I have come so far this week. I feel at such peace at this moment in my journey. The last year is hard for me to imagine. I have traveled millions of theoretical miles. I'm not sure I even remember the girl that boarded that plane to Africa - I've changed so much since then. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this year! I have already found a new church that is awesome. I feel like I am in exactly the right place, and it is as close to being in Africa as I will get until I am back in Africa! the kingdom culture is all there, and the community is awesome. I am loving having a group of people my age to hangout with. Last Sunday we all got together for pizza and a movie, it was so nice! God is doing exciting things with my life, and I am willing! I am so blessed!
Now back to the present...
Here I sit. This time in my own room with my own cat. The past week, in the snow and the coop, has been good, but tiring. We got more snow today, so it was a quiet day at work. I came home, feeling a little out of sorts. My home church already cancelled services for tomorrow because of the snow. As far as I know, my church is still meeting. I hope so. I always feel better and encouraged when I am worshiping with the members there. They really have been so kind and thoughtful, giving me encouragement these past few weeks. I've shed more tears. My heart is pulled in two directions. I know which way I'm going to go, but it still makes me sad. I have to choose to move forward every day, even if it's just one step. One day I'll look back and clearly see God's plan at this point in my life. I will see how far I have come, even when I felt like I was moving at a snails pace. One day it will be revealed for His glory. Until then I take things one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I can't see the blueprint, but I know the project is worthy!
What a year it has been! 2013 was full of twists and turns. It ended with some serious revelations that led to 2014 starting off with a big bang! December 29th I was home with a case of pink eye, debating my fate. January 5th I was attending a new (to me) church for the first time and on January 12th I was telling my former Pastor that I had found a new home. January 13th I officially resigned from my responsibilities as a church deacon.
Then, to be frank, all hell broke loose. I hadn't discussed the individual details of my decision with my pastor. #1 I didn't think she'd really understand and #2 at that point it didn't matter. God had called me elsewhere, so I was going elsewhere. But unbeknownst to me, my father was telling the board of elders exactly why I was leaving and leaving no holds barred. It was a difficult discussion I am sure. I was grateful that my father would support me, but I had mixed feelings about how he approached the elders. I hadn't wanted to start drama and I did not relish the idea of being at the center of such a conflict. I cried many, many tears. It broke my heart, but ultimately I felt bad for how things came to light. I did not regret that they knew the truth and did not apologize for my beliefs. Today, January 18th, I met with my pastor one more time to clear the air.
Now here I sit, alone in a house. Just me, myself, and I. And three cats. It is a quiet house outside of town. I do not have access to the internet and only recently figured out how to work their television. Finding a new church home has been amazing, but leaving my last church home has been exhausting. These last few weeks have been very difficult, so it's fitting that I was already scheduled to house sit for this family. I'm sitting here with a cup of hot tea, snuggled under blankets and with a cat purring on my lap. No internet, no television, no distraction. God's timing is amazing! I already feel myself becoming more calm, my energy slowly being renewed.
Another example of God's impeccable timing is this: my father confronted the elders about my decision on the evening of January 13th. The watchword for 2014 was released (via facebook) the morning of January 14th (EST.) I was originally scheduled off that day, but as soon as Ashley and I had a chance to talk to each other about the watchword and how perfect it was, I was called in to work for my manager who was feeling ill. That meant that instead of sitting at home alone all day, agonizing over everything that happened the night before, I went in to work and kept busy all day, and mostly kept my mind from wandering to the topic of church! God is so good!
I have thought about the possibility of leaving my home church for years. I knew it would happen one day, and I knew that when it happened I would go out with a bang. I wasn't prepared for the inner struggle that it would cause, nor did I realize just how big of a bang I would cause... Thankfully God has placed amazing people in my life who were able to give me appropriate counsel. Who patiently listened to my heart, even when some of them weren't sure why I was so bothered in the first place. The mistakes of my home church were extensive, but, red flags or not, I ached. Before I made the decision, I read article after article, and listened to sound bytes of the most respected ministers of the day discussing the subject of when, why and how to leave a church. I listened to videos of George, because I thought if I could just hear his voice that something would resonate within me. One of Lynn's talks kept coming to mind, and in my moment of doubt Ashley reminded me of his words again. I was at my lowest low. I knew I was doing the right thing - and I knew that this was the part of my journey where God would have to carry me until I found my feet again.
I have come so far this week. I feel at such peace at this moment in my journey. The last year is hard for me to imagine. I have traveled millions of theoretical miles. I'm not sure I even remember the girl that boarded that plane to Africa - I've changed so much since then. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this year! I have already found a new church that is awesome. I feel like I am in exactly the right place, and it is as close to being in Africa as I will get until I am back in Africa! the kingdom culture is all there, and the community is awesome. I am loving having a group of people my age to hangout with. Last Sunday we all got together for pizza and a movie, it was so nice! God is doing exciting things with my life, and I am willing! I am so blessed!
Now back to the present...
Here I sit. This time in my own room with my own cat. The past week, in the snow and the coop, has been good, but tiring. We got more snow today, so it was a quiet day at work. I came home, feeling a little out of sorts. My home church already cancelled services for tomorrow because of the snow. As far as I know, my church is still meeting. I hope so. I always feel better and encouraged when I am worshiping with the members there. They really have been so kind and thoughtful, giving me encouragement these past few weeks. I've shed more tears. My heart is pulled in two directions. I know which way I'm going to go, but it still makes me sad. I have to choose to move forward every day, even if it's just one step. One day I'll look back and clearly see God's plan at this point in my life. I will see how far I have come, even when I felt like I was moving at a snails pace. One day it will be revealed for His glory. Until then I take things one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I can't see the blueprint, but I know the project is worthy!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year!!!
Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different. And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.
I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.
Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!
It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.
When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.
I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides.
'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17
I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.
I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.
Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!
It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.
When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.
'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'
-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]
I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides.
'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17
I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.
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