2017 was a whirlwind. A literal whirlwind in every sense of the word.
I ended 2016 and rang in 2017 with my love.
We got engaged. Three days later, my grandmother died.
My relationships with my extended family changed - not my choice.
I left my job of 10 years.
I left my home state.
I moved to a place where I knew few.
We got married and moved in together.
We went on a two week vacation together.
I submitted resumes and applications.
I interviewed for a new job, which I was offered and accepted.
2017 was wonderful and horrible.
I'm thankful for my new husband and my new town.
I'm grieving the loss of my grandmother and the family bonds that are gone.
I'm missing my friends and deep connection.
I miss knowing and being known.
And sometimes you make great decisions that turn out to be terrible decisions.
Not related to my marriage or my move or my job.
But still, terrible decisions that make you doubt.
Doubt your worth.
Doubt your thoughts.
Doubt your perceived value to others.
I pray God will help me be steadfast this year as I face trials and grow.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
The Meaning of True Love
I've spent the last two weekends with my boyfriend. We went camping with his friends over the fourth, then had a day away to ourselves this past weekend. I was talking to him last night. He's too observant, because I'm trying to be reserved, minimize my feelings and take things slow. He teases me because he says I can't hide my feelings when I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I try desperately to ignore my feelings. To hide them.
Because I've been in uncomfortable relationships when guys couldn't read my emotions.
Or worse, didn't even bother to try.
Because I didn't want to be a burden. Their emotional unavailability made me feel like I was a burden to them. So I ignored them and shut up.
Admitting my emotions and being emotionally vulnerable scares me. Because I've been let down in the past. Because I've been made to feel like a burden. But through God's grace, I've met a godly man who has a heart for Africa, patience, and is amazingly good at reading my body-language.
It's scary, but I guess I have to face those fears. I'm happy to do it with the man who just might be God's best for me, who loves me as a reflection of Christ's love for the church. Who cares for me tenderly through tenderhearted affection and also edifying rebuke. That just might be true love.
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
I try desperately to ignore my feelings. To hide them.
Because I've been in uncomfortable relationships when guys couldn't read my emotions.
Or worse, didn't even bother to try.
Because I didn't want to be a burden. Their emotional unavailability made me feel like I was a burden to them. So I ignored them and shut up.
Admitting my emotions and being emotionally vulnerable scares me. Because I've been let down in the past. Because I've been made to feel like a burden. But through God's grace, I've met a godly man who has a heart for Africa, patience, and is amazingly good at reading my body-language.
It's scary, but I guess I have to face those fears. I'm happy to do it with the man who just might be God's best for me, who loves me as a reflection of Christ's love for the church. Who cares for me tenderly through tenderhearted affection and also edifying rebuke. That just might be true love.
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
- 2 Timothy 1:7 [ESV]
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Life Update: Sweet Summertime
I'm sitting at my dinner table in my nice, quiet apartment looking out second-story my window. Life is definitely not too shabby these days.
Since my last entry, I came home from Zambia (obviously), went back to work, went to San Francisco, went back to work and things have been pretty normal ever since. By normal, I mean busy of course. It's hard to believe that in the next few months I'll be getting ready to go back to South Africa and, wait for it, Swaziland!!! I'm super excited.
Also, it's summer. It's currently hot and super gorgeous. Life is full of possibilities. I'm getting more and more excited for next weekend. I actually have plans. My own plans with my own new friends. I'm super excited. I'll definitely tell more about it soon. It involves a potential new romantic relationship. It feels like it's time. It's been over three years since my last serious boyfriend, though I've dated a bit, I think I'm really ready and this might be the one God had planned for me all along. I guess we'll all have to stay tuned to find out, but it's going to be an eventful summer either way!
Since my last entry, I came home from Zambia (obviously), went back to work, went to San Francisco, went back to work and things have been pretty normal ever since. By normal, I mean busy of course. It's hard to believe that in the next few months I'll be getting ready to go back to South Africa and, wait for it, Swaziland!!! I'm super excited.
Also, it's summer. It's currently hot and super gorgeous. Life is full of possibilities. I'm getting more and more excited for next weekend. I actually have plans. My own plans with my own new friends. I'm super excited. I'll definitely tell more about it soon. It involves a potential new romantic relationship. It feels like it's time. It's been over three years since my last serious boyfriend, though I've dated a bit, I think I'm really ready and this might be the one God had planned for me all along. I guess we'll all have to stay tuned to find out, but it's going to be an eventful summer either way!
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
I love this. Happy Wednesday!
Dog Gets Surprise Birthday PresentThis dog got an awesome surprise birthday present... via SuperViral.TV
Posted by UNILAD on Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Saturday, July 25, 2015
A Sweet Summer
Oh hey!
Funny how time flies when you're busy living life!
Thanks for still reading, let me see what I've been up to...
Since my last post, (in January! ...yikes) I have traveled to NYC in February, kept busy with work, traveled to South Africa in May, kept busy with work...and next week I will travel to Zambia.
I love my life!
Some of you will remember my love-hate relationship with my television and my aversion to physical possessions and clutter. Really any physical thing I do not use on a regular basis.
In May, being back in Africa, I was just reminded of what life is like there. Certain things never change. Things only change in America because we let them; sometimes we even encourage them. I don't want to be like that. I want to live a consistent life wherever I am. When I was in South Africa, I mentioned the possibility of getting rid of my television. Why? Because whether I watch educational or trashy programs, it doesn't matter: it's still distracting me from real relationships. Thank God, I work with people who do not watch television regularly, some don't even own TVs! I work at a company that employs about 20 people. I work closely with eight of them. Of those eight, only one watches television on a regular basis. Last Thursday, I watched a program and I realized I knew what was going to happen, because I had already watched it multiple times. And, even with all of the good things on television, I somehow end up always defaulting to the Kardashians, the Total Divas, and the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, etc etc etc. Things I do not want to be, emulate, or understand. But have you ever paid attention to how often those shows are aired? How's a girl who spent college with Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The Girls Next Door supposed to resist that? It's pathetic yes, but somehow that is also part of the appeal. There is no plot, each episode essentially stands alone. It's too easy. So the next day at work, I casually mentioned that I was thinking about finally breaking up with my television. Naturally, the three most anti-television coworkers wasted no time offering encouragement and telling me everything I would get out of not watching television. (More productivity, etc.)
That night, I unplugged my television and dvd player and took off all of the cables. I put everything in a box. (With my extreme aversion to clutter, I always have a sturdy box around, just in case.) It was around 10pm at this point. I texted my coworker, because he is not only anti-television, but he is a night owl and I knew he would still be awake. I said that I was 95% sure I was going to get rid of it, but I needed a final push to get to the point of no return. He was, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. The very next morning, I dropped the box off at Goodwill before work. I had anxiety the night before, but had peace that morning. I knew I was making the right choice! Since then, I didn't have a television or a DVD player so I've sold nearly all of my DVDs. (I donated some family-friendly books and DVDs to my church library.) As long as I've lived in this house, there has been a huge Victorian-era crib in my bedroom. I tried to move it once but I couldn't get it to come apart in order to get it out of the house. This Thursday, I thought I would try again. As I moved it, I lifted a section unintentionally. When I did that, the pieces all came apart! So I got that out of the way, and was able to clean the area. I had a stand-alone shelving unit crammed into my closet, which I moved to that corner (along with everything it was storing) and I moved all of my luggage to my closet. Long story short: in a mere 7 days, my room completely transformed! And so did my perspective, and stress level!
I still have too much stuff, but this will definitely be a defining moment. I have no desire to shop, because I can see almost everything I have. If I can't see it, it's because it's in a box - but I know what is in each box. I have a box for extra hygiene and toiletries. I have a box of projects I plan to make for Christmas gifts. You get the idea. I will probably use the money I got from selling my DVDs to buy a Kindle. A large portion of the books I have are theology or cover religious themes, so I will donate those to the Church library as well. I currently don't have any plans to move to Africa full time, but I will never rule it out. I want to be ready for God to use me at any time, and owning fewer things makes that so much easier - even if following when and where God calls might not be easiest. Because I know His ways are good. As previously mentioned on the blog, I want to love people more than things and I want to love God even more than people.
Funny how time flies when you're busy living life!
Thanks for still reading, let me see what I've been up to...
Since my last post, (in January! ...yikes) I have traveled to NYC in February, kept busy with work, traveled to South Africa in May, kept busy with work...and next week I will travel to Zambia.
I love my life!
Some of you will remember my love-hate relationship with my television and my aversion to physical possessions and clutter. Really any physical thing I do not use on a regular basis.
In May, being back in Africa, I was just reminded of what life is like there. Certain things never change. Things only change in America because we let them; sometimes we even encourage them. I don't want to be like that. I want to live a consistent life wherever I am. When I was in South Africa, I mentioned the possibility of getting rid of my television. Why? Because whether I watch educational or trashy programs, it doesn't matter: it's still distracting me from real relationships. Thank God, I work with people who do not watch television regularly, some don't even own TVs! I work at a company that employs about 20 people. I work closely with eight of them. Of those eight, only one watches television on a regular basis. Last Thursday, I watched a program and I realized I knew what was going to happen, because I had already watched it multiple times. And, even with all of the good things on television, I somehow end up always defaulting to the Kardashians, the Total Divas, and the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, etc etc etc. Things I do not want to be, emulate, or understand. But have you ever paid attention to how often those shows are aired? How's a girl who spent college with Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The Girls Next Door supposed to resist that? It's pathetic yes, but somehow that is also part of the appeal. There is no plot, each episode essentially stands alone. It's too easy. So the next day at work, I casually mentioned that I was thinking about finally breaking up with my television. Naturally, the three most anti-television coworkers wasted no time offering encouragement and telling me everything I would get out of not watching television. (More productivity, etc.)
That night, I unplugged my television and dvd player and took off all of the cables. I put everything in a box. (With my extreme aversion to clutter, I always have a sturdy box around, just in case.) It was around 10pm at this point. I texted my coworker, because he is not only anti-television, but he is a night owl and I knew he would still be awake. I said that I was 95% sure I was going to get rid of it, but I needed a final push to get to the point of no return. He was, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. The very next morning, I dropped the box off at Goodwill before work. I had anxiety the night before, but had peace that morning. I knew I was making the right choice! Since then, I didn't have a television or a DVD player so I've sold nearly all of my DVDs. (I donated some family-friendly books and DVDs to my church library.) As long as I've lived in this house, there has been a huge Victorian-era crib in my bedroom. I tried to move it once but I couldn't get it to come apart in order to get it out of the house. This Thursday, I thought I would try again. As I moved it, I lifted a section unintentionally. When I did that, the pieces all came apart! So I got that out of the way, and was able to clean the area. I had a stand-alone shelving unit crammed into my closet, which I moved to that corner (along with everything it was storing) and I moved all of my luggage to my closet. Long story short: in a mere 7 days, my room completely transformed! And so did my perspective, and stress level!
I still have too much stuff, but this will definitely be a defining moment. I have no desire to shop, because I can see almost everything I have. If I can't see it, it's because it's in a box - but I know what is in each box. I have a box for extra hygiene and toiletries. I have a box of projects I plan to make for Christmas gifts. You get the idea. I will probably use the money I got from selling my DVDs to buy a Kindle. A large portion of the books I have are theology or cover religious themes, so I will donate those to the Church library as well. I currently don't have any plans to move to Africa full time, but I will never rule it out. I want to be ready for God to use me at any time, and owning fewer things makes that so much easier - even if following when and where God calls might not be easiest. Because I know His ways are good. As previously mentioned on the blog, I want to love people more than things and I want to love God even more than people.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
There are certain things that should be left unsaid
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun; don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I'm having fun; don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not going in
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not going in
Burning bridges shore to shore
I'll break away from something more
I'm not turned off to love until it's cheap
I'll break away from something more
I'm not turned off to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun; don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I'm having fun; don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
Friday, January 9, 2015
People More Than Things
I have a dear friend who loves to say People More Than Things. as encouragement, as a motto, as a reminder. People, and relationships, are more important than things.
But tough times right now are reminding me to say God Even More Than People. Sometimes I don't understand people. Some people don't want to be understood and they make it very hard. It's hard to blindly love people. We want to put up walls, and build barriers. We don't like being vulnerable. We also do not like admitting that we might be wrong.
Me? I have no idea what I'm doing. I freely admit that I could be wrong. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. Grieving is like that. On top of living in America when my heart is in Africa, on top of my heart breaking for the orphans - who didn't deserve to be orphaned anymore than I deserve to be born in America - while everyone else is worried with Black Friday and New Years Resolutions and yadda yadda yadda... On top of every battle between my head and my heart, I am grieving the loss of my father. My body grieves. My memory has gone from impressive to embarrassing. It's like early onset Alzheimer's or something. I am constantly forgetting or misplacing something. I will walk to do something and forget what I was about to do. I feel like a crazy person because sometimes I feel completely normal, then suddenly I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.
Then there are the people we love who make poor decisions. I don't know who is right. I cannot discern the truth. It's not really up to me to discern the truth, but somehow we always feel pressured to come to a conclusion. Make a decision, don't sit on the fence! But our hearts are wicked and our tongues are deceitful. I cannot discern the truth from humans. I must discern the truth from the Lord. Because He is truth.
But tough times right now are reminding me to say God Even More Than People. Sometimes I don't understand people. Some people don't want to be understood and they make it very hard. It's hard to blindly love people. We want to put up walls, and build barriers. We don't like being vulnerable. We also do not like admitting that we might be wrong.
Me? I have no idea what I'm doing. I freely admit that I could be wrong. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. Grieving is like that. On top of living in America when my heart is in Africa, on top of my heart breaking for the orphans - who didn't deserve to be orphaned anymore than I deserve to be born in America - while everyone else is worried with Black Friday and New Years Resolutions and yadda yadda yadda... On top of every battle between my head and my heart, I am grieving the loss of my father. My body grieves. My memory has gone from impressive to embarrassing. It's like early onset Alzheimer's or something. I am constantly forgetting or misplacing something. I will walk to do something and forget what I was about to do. I feel like a crazy person because sometimes I feel completely normal, then suddenly I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.
Then there are the people we love who make poor decisions. I don't know who is right. I cannot discern the truth. It's not really up to me to discern the truth, but somehow we always feel pressured to come to a conclusion. Make a decision, don't sit on the fence! But our hearts are wicked and our tongues are deceitful. I cannot discern the truth from humans. I must discern the truth from the Lord. Because He is truth.
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