The Meaning of True Love

I've spent the last two weekends with my boyfriend. We went camping with his friends over the fourth, then had a day away to ourselves this past weekend. I was talking to him last night. He's too observant, because I'm trying to be reserved, minimize my feelings and take things slow. He teases me because he says I can't hide my feelings when I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I try desperately to ignore my feelings. To hide them.

Because I've been in uncomfortable relationships when guys couldn't read my emotions.
Or worse, didn't even bother to try.

Because I didn't want to be a burden. Their emotional unavailability made me feel like I was a burden to them. So I ignored them and shut up.

Admitting my emotions and being emotionally vulnerable scares me. Because I've been let down in the past. Because I've been made to feel like a burden. But through God's grace, I've met a godly man who has a heart for Africa, patience, and is amazingly good at reading my body-language.

It's scary, but I guess I have to face those fears. I'm happy to do it with the man who just might be God's best for me, who loves me as a reflection of Christ's love for the church. Who cares for me tenderly through tenderhearted affection and also edifying rebuke. That just might be true love.

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

- 2 Timothy 1:7 [ESV]

People More Than Things

I have a dear friend who loves to say People More Than Things. as encouragement, as a motto, as a reminder. People, and relationships, are more important than things.

But tough times right now are reminding me to say God Even More Than People. Sometimes I don't understand people. Some people don't want to be understood and they make it very hard. It's hard to blindly love people. We want to put up walls, and build barriers. We don't like being vulnerable. We also do not like admitting that we might be wrong.

Me? I have no idea what I'm doing. I freely admit that I could be wrong. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. Grieving is like that. On top of living in America when my heart is in Africa, on top of my heart breaking for the orphans - who didn't deserve to be orphaned anymore than I deserve to be born in America - while everyone else is worried with Black Friday and New Years Resolutions and yadda yadda yadda... On top of every battle between my head and my heart, I am grieving the loss of my father. My body grieves. My memory has gone from impressive to embarrassing. It's like early onset Alzheimer's or something. I am constantly forgetting or misplacing something. I will walk to do something and forget what I was about to do. I feel like a crazy person because sometimes I feel completely normal, then suddenly I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.

Then there are the people we love who make poor decisions. I don't know who is right. I cannot discern the truth. It's not really up to me to discern the truth, but somehow we always feel pressured to come to a conclusion. Make a decision, don't sit on the fence! But our hearts are wicked and our tongues are deceitful. I cannot discern the truth from humans. I must discern the truth from the Lord. Because He is truth.

Fall

Holy 7 Months Batman! Sorry about that...

I can't believe IT'S SEPTEMBER. HOW did that happen??!!

Let's see. Last winter was miserably cold. Dealing with leaving my home church was awful. Dealing with my new church was great. Africa stuff is evolving in suprising ways. No plans to rellocate permanently, I'm staying involved stateside! Church went downhill. Some people at church became persistent, which annoyed me, so I left. Summer was uneventful, that is, until my dad died.

God is still sovereign. He is still good.

Work with Africa is still good. The US office is evolving, changing. It's challenging me in terrifying ways, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I'm loving every minute. I've had two skype meetings this week, one more to go. I'm going back to Africa in 2015. It will be a short and sweet trip. I am blessed.

And love? You'll have to wait to hear the verdict on that one, but I feel like I just might be on to something.

So here's to fall. To leaves and pumpkins and hot chocolate. To cool days snuggled up with a movie or book. To traveling for the Africa org, and for once a year to have the chance of being with each other in person. To celebrating the past while still being open to make new memories. To life and love.

The Great Staycation of 2014

This post was written January 18th, the beginning of the staycation. after spending a week in the snow, and the chicken coop, I'm just now sitting down to publish it:


What a year it has been! 2013 was full of twists and turns. It ended with some serious revelations that led to 2014 starting off with a big bang! December 29th I was home with a case of pink eye, debating my fate. January 5th I was attending a new (to me) church for the first time and on January 12th I was telling my former Pastor that I had found a new home. January 13th I officially resigned from my responsibilities as a church deacon.

Then, to be frank, all hell broke loose. I hadn't discussed the individual details of my decision with my pastor. #1 I didn't think she'd really understand and #2 at that point it didn't matter. God had called me elsewhere, so I was going elsewhere. But unbeknownst to me, my father was telling the board of elders exactly why I was leaving and leaving no holds barred. It was a difficult discussion I am sure. I was grateful that my father would support me, but I had mixed feelings about how he approached the elders. I hadn't wanted to start drama and I did not relish the idea of being at the center of such a conflict. I cried many, many tears. It broke my heart, but ultimately I felt bad for how things came to light. I did not regret that they knew the truth and did not apologize for my beliefs. Today, January 18th, I met with my pastor one more time to clear the air.

Now here I sit, alone in a house. Just me, myself, and I. And three cats. It is a quiet house outside of town. I do not have access to the internet and only recently figured out how to work their television.  Finding a new church home has been amazing, but leaving my last church home has been exhausting. These last few weeks have been very difficult, so it's fitting that I was already scheduled to house sit for this family. I'm sitting here with a cup of hot tea, snuggled under blankets and with a cat purring on my lap. No internet, no television, no distraction. God's timing is amazing! I already feel myself becoming more calm, my energy slowly being renewed.

Another example of God's impeccable timing is this: my father confronted the elders about my decision on the evening of January 13th. The watchword for 2014 was released (via facebook) the morning of January 14th (EST.) I was originally scheduled off that day, but as soon as Ashley and I had a chance to talk to each other about the watchword and how perfect it was, I was called in to work for my manager who was feeling ill. That meant that instead of sitting at home alone all day, agonizing over everything that happened the night before, I went in to work and kept busy all day, and mostly kept my mind from wandering to the topic of church! God is so good!

I have thought about the possibility of leaving my home church for years. I knew it would happen one day, and I knew that when it happened I would go out with a bang. I wasn't prepared for the inner struggle that it would cause, nor did I realize just how big of a bang I would cause... Thankfully God has placed amazing people in my life who were able to give me appropriate counsel. Who patiently listened to my heart, even when some of them weren't sure why I was so bothered in the first place. The mistakes of my home church were extensive, but, red flags or not, I ached. Before I made the decision, I read article after article, and listened to sound bytes of the most respected ministers of the day discussing the subject of when, why and how to leave a church. I listened to videos of George, because I thought if I could just hear his voice that something would resonate within me. One of Lynn's talks kept coming to mind, and in my moment of doubt Ashley reminded me of his words again. I was at my lowest low. I knew I was doing the right thing - and I knew that this was the part of my journey where God would have to carry me until I found my feet again.

I have come so far this week. I feel at such peace at this moment in my journey. The last year is hard for me to imagine. I have traveled millions of theoretical miles. I'm not sure I even remember the girl that boarded that plane to Africa - I've changed so much since then. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this year! I have already found a new church that is awesome. I feel like I am in exactly the right place, and it is as close to being in Africa as I will get until I am back in Africa! the kingdom culture is all there, and the community is awesome. I am loving having a group of people my age to hangout with. Last Sunday we all got together for pizza and a movie, it was so nice! God is doing exciting things with my life, and I am willing! I am so blessed!



Now back to the present...

Here I sit. This time in my own room with my own cat.  The past week, in the snow and the coop, has been good, but tiring. We got more snow today, so it was a quiet day at work. I came home, feeling a little out of sorts. My home church already cancelled services for tomorrow because of the snow. As far as I know, my church is still meeting. I hope so. I always feel better and encouraged when I am worshiping with the members there. They really have been so kind and thoughtful, giving me encouragement these past few weeks. I've shed more tears. My heart is pulled in two directions. I know which way I'm going to go, but it still makes me sad. I have to choose to move forward every day, even if it's just one step. One day I'll look back and clearly see God's plan at this point in my life. I will see how far I have come, even when I felt like I was moving at a snails pace. One day it will be revealed for His glory. Until then I take things one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I can't see the blueprint, but I know the project is worthy!

Happy New Year!!!

Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different.  And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.

I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.

Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!

It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.

When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.

'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'

-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]

I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides. 

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17

I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.

The thing you aren't supposed to say

In certain areas of my life I am thriving! In other areas - in the important areas, I have been settling. In my Christian walk, and in my love life, I have been settling.

First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.

I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.

I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.

I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.

Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.

Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.

These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.

One.

One year. Since an argument that was a catalyst for everything that happened these last twelve months. Since I found out who else was in the February intake: the seven people I would be spending my time in Africa with. Fast forward to South Africa, a breakup, Zambia, my best friends wedding, job advancement, traveling to Wisconsin to be with the Hands USA Family, and growing accustomed to a constant state of change. What a crazy year it has been!

For the first time in a few weeks, I finally have time to just "be." As always, I'm feeling unsettled. My Christmas trees are up and my Advent wreath is ready, but aside from that my room is a mess. I wish I could have an extended amount of time to hole up in my room. To take the time to put everything in it's proper place, and to get my head on straight. I feel immensely grateful for this year: for everything that has happened, both the ups and the downs, but I must admit I feel very drained. I'm always unsure. Was I too bold? Too honest? Did I say too much, or not enough? Are my motives understood or misinterpreted? This fire is also fueled by the work I do, under a constant spotlight of coworkers, not to mention constant critique from our customers. And I have memorized some of our medications at the corresponding cells in our robot. Proof I work too much and need to get out more.

A few weeks ago, I did get a chance to break out of the work bubble. I went to dinner and coffee with a dear friend that I hadn't seen all summer. It was a truly great time, I hadn't laughed that much in months! Since then I have been busy with work, Church, Youth Group, meetings, and getting ready for the holidays. I have squeezed in a couple visits to my brother's in Pittsburgh. It is an easy drive, but with traffic I always find it to be tiring. By the time I get home and pull in the driveway, I can feel the tension in my shoulders and I am ready for bed! We took them to the Zoo earlier this month; I made one trip when my nephews were with their mom, and one other when they were around and I had a day off from work. They are my favorite boys and they light up my life! Since my last visit, I have been busy prepping my Christmas presents for them. I have wrapped most of what I had, aside from the clothes (because more are coming) and stocking-stuffers. I still have a few more presents for them coming in the mail.

My other hobbies as of late have included watching old movies I have on DVD, balancing my budget and attempting to be a responsible adult, and of course drinking my weight in hot chocolate on a daily basis. I make my own from scratch: the stuff is worth being savored! And, in case you missed it, yes I did mention earlier that my Christmas tree is decorated. Naturally, since that bit is taken care of, I have been giving some serious thought to another favorite holiday tradition: New Years Resolutions. I know,  I am an over-achiever and make the rest of you look bad, I know - my co-workers tell me this all the time! But there is just something so romantic about the possibility of having a clean slate, a fresh start. And really, I don't ski - what else do you expect me to do with my time for the cold winter months prior to spring. (When I'm not drinking hot chocolate, obviously.) Nothing on my resolutions list is crazy or unpredictable. This is not a complete list, but here are a few of my goals: Run more, pack my lunch everyday for work (takeout is too expensive to inhale on a lunch break alone, it should be savored in the presence of good company), drink more water, spend money more wisely (save more), spend more time intently engaging with friends and family, keeping TV to a minimum if watched at all, and relearning German. I don't know if that is the appropriate term, and I imagine it will start coming back to me. (I studied German for 6.5 years beginning in the sixth grade.) For whatever reason, I got into the German one today. It's been on my wish list forever, probably since I stopped taking classes and actively studying it. I changed my Facebook account language to German, so I will see it everyday, and I rewrote out everything in my to-do notebook in German. (day of the week, date, month, work schedule and anything else currently on my calendar) I also have a German translation of the New Testament. My extended family tend to always have their own gatherings for holidays, so aside from my nephews the holidays are fairly quiet. A few gatherings with friends here and there, but I am hoping I will have enough time over the next month to tie up loose ends and pending projects so I can actually start the new year refreshed with a clear head.

All in all, I am blessed. I am aware of my blessings, and I feel more whole than I have in quite some time. I want to savor this next month, because I know as fast as it will go, the following three chilly months will drag on...

Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones near and far!

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

My Heart is Breaking...

My heart is breaking in the most painful, most unexpected way.

I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.

My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.

Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.

My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.

It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.

It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.

Growing a Gracious Heart: Part 1

So I am home, and awake. I am basically on EST for the most part. I'm still awake at 5am, but I'll deal.

Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.

I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.

I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.

I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.

[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]

food for my thoughts:

the definition of grace:

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace 

 listed synonym: mercy

 the meaning of gracious:

adjective: Courteous, kind, and pleasant, esp. toward someone of lower social status.

the meaning of generous:

adjective:  (of a person) Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

I will have to elaborate on this later. My brain is definitely back on EST and things don't seem to be coming together at this early hour. I'm sure my heart is going somewhere with this, but my brain can't seem to figure it out. So for now I might get some tea and snuggle back into bed with Angelina. to be continued...

Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It

Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me

Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.

Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.

I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post.  It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!

Life in Kitwe

okay so my update didn't come quite so soon...

Kitwe is amazing! I live in a guest house in a room by myself, but there are four other tenants who live there. The communities, care workers and children are absolutely amazing. I do have a functioning television. I do not have internet access, hence the lack of updates.

For the weekend I am back at Kachele with two of the guys from my intake. We went out in Luanshya today to do some shopping and go out for lunch. It was really fun. Aside from that we played with Tawonga most of the day. It was really good. I'm feeling slightly disjointed; it's odd knowing this will be the last weekend I'm here at the farm in Zambia. I have been in Africa so long. Well, it feels like I've been here so long, but in reality I've been here just six weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I will actually feel when I am on American soil again. It will be a major adjustment, leaving Africa and everyone I have met here, everything I have done here. It's definitely causing some conflicting emotions, but I know it will be alright. As Alicia, my roommate in South Africa, would say: "it will all shake out" and another one: "life's a kick in the pants" but really, I'm trying to focus on the "it will all shake out" sentiment.

I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the season God has brought me to, for however long it lasts. I am trying to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions in my life. Thankfully, God still used them to bring me to a better place. I have to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions and very nearly made a mockery of my own life, and that I don't know best. I don't know what is best, I don't make the best decisions and at this point I basically have to throw up my hands and wait for God to lead me. And I am not patient. I don't like being patient and I'm not good at it. Lynn says that is important. That we embrace the uncomfortable moments. That we allow them to be periods where God molds us for what is next. I will let it happen, but I won't enjoy it. Not intrinsically. I guess I'm a control freak. I would also hazard to guess that is part of the problem. I am so impatient. I am definitely a victim of the instant gratification society. I also realize the six of the last seven sentences, including this one, is all about me. That is also the problem. It's not about me. It shouldn't be about me. I am temporal and insignificant and my life is meaningless without the existence of something bigger. Something bigger as in God. And that is the point, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. Despite how much we say we love Jesus, and how we strive to be Christ-like, we are still such self-serving creatures.

I hope to return to Africa for a longer stay. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not sure what that would look like in my mind compared to what God might have planned. I realize if I come back to Africa it will have to be on God's terms and not on my preconceived terms. Even when we realize that God is going to use us, and are in favor of that and willing to pursue that, it is still a challenge to completely set aside the mindset of self. To completely sacrifice our selfish ideas and motives. I don't know if I can successfully do that, but I know it is something I must strive for. The test will be when I land, walk off the plane, after being taken out of my African support system and left to my own devices. It will be an adventure. Probably a disaster... but an adventure none the less...

Broken Record

It's been another intense day in Africa. I'm not sure exactly how to convey my thoughts most effectively, but I'll give it a go anyway...

The last month has definitely been trial by fire, and I am feeling the heat. I can't begin to express how awesome my experience has been thus far, but it's also been kind of rough. I mentioned in my last post about how I hate filtering myself. That is very true, but ironically, I also hate incessantly harping on the same topic, especially if it is ultimately inconsequential. This brings me to the demise of my relationship. Quite frankly there are things about the situation that thoroughly piss me off - and that is putting it nicely. But I don't want to keep talking about it. I don't want to be that girl. It's done and it's over. If anything, I just have this remaining excess emotional energy that I need to vent off. Like aftershocks following a massive earthquake. But I don't want to seem like I'm obsessing over the relationship, because truthfully I'm not. I guess I'm just full of hot air, so to speak, for better or worse. This is compounded by being questioned by people, some of whom present questions more gracefully than others.

I am lucky that my housemates, for lack of a better word, have been so gracious. Amazingly so. I went on a walk outside the compound with Alicia and Russell today. It was really nice to just do something out of the ordinary. It was actually the first time I've been outside on foot. Anyway, Alicia has been really amazing throughout the whole ordeal. She's always asking if I'm okay, how I'm processing the situation. Today was more of the same. She asked how I've been handling it, if I feel like I've been able to handle it while dealing with everything else we see here in community. Ironically, she says that she feels like I don't talk about it that much. That was mildly flabbergasting because I feel like I've talked about it far too much. Like I'm a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same line. I feel like I have so much pent up energy, and the emotions are all confined to my head, so perhaps I just perceive the topic as being much more pervasive than it actually is. I think that makes sense and would be a rational explanation.

I think the other thing I've been dealing with is the fact that living in community highlights areas where my character is struggling. Again, I don't know if these issues are perceived by my housemates, but I notice. I will respond to a certain situation a certain way, only to realize after the fact that I'm a terrible person. Saying I'm a terrible person might be slightly melodramatic, but there are examples where I just see flaws in my character. It's really frustrating, but it's also exciting. For the most part, I'm guessing my housemates don't notice in the first place or, even if they do, don't dwell on the incident. Just little things mostly. It's encouraging because I am a Christian, and I truly felt convicted that I was not meant to continue the relationship with my boyfriend. I felt convicted that that was something I needed to release to God, and trust in His plan for me - even though I have no idea where that will lead me next. The relationship had become an idol in my heart, so now that I have relinquished that to God, I am noticing these situations that highlight my character flaws. I always initially take it as a punch to the gut, like 'oh, I can't believe I responded that way. I feel like a terrible person", etc, but once I think through it, I always feel convicted that it is merely a lesson I am meant to learn. I have been removed from all of my normal, familiar parameters so it is the perfect time for God to mold me into whatever He wants me to be. Or at least a great circumstance to jump start the process. I truly believe that is what God is doing in my life. It's encouraging, yet it's exhausting. I feel like it's something new everyday. Trial by fire. As draining as it can be, I'm also really excited to see what God has in store for me next. I've let go of so many things since being here, at some point I will see the fruit of my labor.

At this point, I am really tired and I just hope this makes sense to some degree. Rooms is watching 'The Princess and The Frog' again so that is my cue to pass out. Good night world wide web!

My Darkness

“The difference between my darkness and your darkness is that I can look at my own badness in the face and accept its existence while you are busy covering your mirror with a white linen sheet. The difference between my sins and your sins is that when I sin I know I'm sinning while you have actually fallen prey to your own fabricated illusions. I am a siren, a mermaid; I know that I am beautiful while basking on the ocean's waves and I know that I can eat flesh and bones at the bottom of the sea. You are a white witch, a wizard; your spells are manipulations and your cauldron from hell yet you wrap yourself in white and wear a silver wig.”
― C. JoyBell C.


Today was a tough day when I was reminded of difficult memories of difficult situations. Yet God put the right people in my life, who could say the right words, to make my heart whole again.

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I fall short of expectations. I hurt feelings. But I know I am imperfect. Knowledge of shortcomings is the first step to being better in the future.

I see those people in my life who never admit any wrongdoings. It seems like a tainted, disappointing life. I hope that I always have an open heart willing to admit my shortcomings, while fully accepting God's grace and mercy.

I am imperfect. I am a constant disaster. But I have an open heart, and have been blessed with people who love me despite of my imperfections. People who comment on my honesty and kindness. Today a friend used the words 'selfless' and 'noble' to describe me! Truth: I'm not. But I was explaining my perspective, and openly citing the Bible to support that perspective, while asking for advice. Any selfless and noble opinions I have are most certainly a gift I received when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, because my human heart is certainly not that kind.

A Hard Year

Yesterday was another round of cleaning. I started with my closet a) because I noticed I was really having to cram the clothes into one drawer for it to close properly and b) because tackling the closet is so much easier for me than attacking the box of miscellaneous stuff that I really need to go through. I'm obsessed with having a clean, easily organized room. I want to know where everything is. I want to go into my closet and clearly be able to tell what I have. But I also think I'm subconsciously trying to make room for new [happy] memories after such a hard few months.

2011 was a rough year for me. Changes at work. Guys who weren't the nice guys I wanted to believe they were. And best friends. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have kept in touch with four friends from junior and senior high school. People I met in 7th grade, and that was 13 years ago! Three of them are already married; I was in two of the weddings. Two of them have children. I keep in touch with some of them more frequently than others. That's the thing about best friends: you can overlook the bad and focus on the good. But that changed before Christmas. One friend pushed things beyond the limit. After many conversations, and a few tears, my best friend and I decided that we could not be the positive influence in her life that we desperately wanted to be. It was time to move on and hope God sent someone who could help her understand in a way we couldn't.

I feel mostly okay. There was too much that had transpired. The end of the friendship was not like a bad breakup. I was not faced with the feeling of extreme and sudden loss, just the awareness that there is a hole that has not been filled. Shortly before this debacle, our mutual best friend got engaged. I was worried this would be the kicker for me. I don't miss my friend, or at least not the friend she had become the last few years. All the same I was really worried it would hit me while we were wedding planning for my best friend. Two weekends ago we went wedding dress shopping, ironically at the same boutique the former friend purchased her dress at (I was also part of that trip.) Thankfully, the trip was mostly upbeat. Attention and thoughts stayed focused on Chelsie.

It is agreed it will be the hardest for me, since I was in more frequent contact with this friend than Chelsie. We still lived in the same town and she was the friend who always wanted people around her. I relish alone time, so I must admit at times I perceived this as very demanding behavior. I talk to friends often, though I don't have the in person interaction I did with her. For now, this is okay. After all, I still have to tackle the box of junk that I have been putting off for months and months. I'm looking forward to summer, more wedding planning, and many new memories.

The Mondays

Today I had a bad case of the Mondays.

I struggled to wake up.I took one pill of NyQuil before bed last night and I was so groggy! Work was a crazy, busy Monday. Then I left work early. Only twenty minutes, not the end of the world. (Here's to hoping that's also my managers perspective...) I honestly thought I was leaving late. (I didn't realize what I had done until I got home and was looking over my schedule for March, oops...) This is the problem with a) having an awkward, irregular schedule and b) having a case of the Mondays. I just feel like I'm useless. One the upside, I think I have time to run tomorrow. I just have to go to a viewing/funeral first.

I think that weeks of intense progress must be followed by weeks of laziness. Not that I embrace this concept. But today, it is what I feel. I was going to attempt to sort some old toys. That lasted about ten minutes. I know I struggle with relaxing, just being. Now I think I need to work on being content. The constant to do lists. The ever evolving goals. Right now I'm just sitting. In my rocking chair with the massaging back. Watching The Bachelor. (Don't judge me. The objectification of love and poor excuse for romance is a bad enough train wreck that I at least can sit still. sometimes.)

I think my problem is this: Last night I sat down with my financial records for January and February. I compared how much money I made vs how much I spent. Not including what I have saved, or the "cushion" in my account. Which meant the stats were kind of scary. But really they could be worse. Anyway... Emotionally, you could say that my to-do lists and my constant purging of possessions are like withdrawals - of energy. Energy wisely, yet hastily, spent. Spent much faster than any deposits have been made. I'm in an energy deficit.

I've been thinking about this. Since I try to keep "cell-free Sundays" I've been thinking about the Sabbath. However, I seem to consciously view the Sabbath mostly in terms of Church and praising God, not about how God created the Sabbath because we need rest too.

“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates…” - Exodus 20: 8-10

And it's not just in the Old Testament either.

'And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.' - Mark 6: 31

That verse definitely reflects our current hectic lifestyles. And gives me an reason to try to relax tonight.

“We create our own destiny”

Yesterday I got a call from our main office, filling me in on benefits. I doubt I'll bother with the hassle since I will be eligible for such a short time. But I was told to go see our bookkeeper for information, so I went. This might not make sense without knowing my coworkers, but our conversation about the irony of being told I have an expiration date, as I like to call it, one week and being given full time - with the option of benefits - two weeks later... we laughed so hard we cried! Luckily no one else knew why we were laughing, otherwise they might think we were losing it.


Today was a pretty stellar day. First of all, Tuesdays are my day off, my Saturday. I let myself sleep in a little bit later than usual. Got off to a fairly slow, relaxed start, but all in all I got a lot of stuff done. I did laundry, cleaned my bathroom, washed some old toys to get ready for my nephews, baked scones, made lunch for the next three days of work (3 broccoli, cucumber, celery salads and an Asian noodle dish with carrots and cabbage for the entree), washed a lot of dishes, washed recyclables, sorted the rest of the recyclables for next time, took out the trash, bagged up more trash, washed some stuff to donate, and boxed up the stuff to donate... I think I hit the high points. My bathroom is basically spotless. All of the "problem areas" (aka projects in waiting) in my bedroom and slowly being taken care of.

I watched last week's episode of "Grey's Anatomy". It was the 'alternate universe' theme. What would our lives be like if they weren't the lives we have now? If we had chosen differently? etc etc. Two of the characters kept repeating their mantra, to inspire a doormat-attending: “We create our own destiny” Of course, at the end of the episode, the characters appear to make decisions that would still lead them to the relationships that they have in "real" life. As if to say that things are meant to happen the way they happen, sometimes it just takes longer for them to get there. You know the gist.

“We create our own destiny”: that's an interesting topic. Rationally, I'm a Christian - and I believe in pre-destination. So obviously I don't create my own destiny. Emotionally (and maybe rationally) I still do though. Perhaps God has my life planned out, and He knows where I'm going to end up, but I still have to do my part don't I? I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. (I know I could, but if you know me you know I am terrible at sitting still and not being active, so...) I've been decimating my to-do list recently. Perhaps God gave me the determination and energy to make it happen, but I recognized the desire and took the steps to accomplish it. I feel much better with some of these tasks completed.

Admittedly, I'm kind of an emotional disaster though. I've been in contact with three of my best female friends these past few days and today was no exception. It even involved a phone call with my best friend where I found myself on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. [I'm not even one of those girls who cries at every occasion. Normally, I couldn't make myself cry if I wanted to...] I watch the Bachelor and the Bachelorette shows. I've always said it's because I'm a "hopeless romantic." That's everyone's excuse, right? Only today I realized that is not true. It turns out I'm actually more of a worst-case-scenario romantic pessimist. And I really just want to please those around me. A lethal combination for sure. 

I could go on with my self analysis. I have thought it through further, trying to get to the epicenter of my character flaws. Unfortunately, Wednesday is my late day at work and I really just want to go relax with a bubble bath in my freshly cleaned bathroom and go to bed. 

I can go to bed thankful. I am better off than I deserve. I have been very blessed. 

This picture is from New Orleans in 2009. Post-Katrina, the phrase "Keep calm and carry on" became the mantra for the city. Now, for the time being, this is all I can do. This is what I must do. Keep calm and carry on.

Unexpected: Take Two

Apparently, as of February 1st, I'm full time.

WHAT???!!!

My feelings exactly. Less than two weeks after being told I have an expiration date (not in those exact words), I'm told that I will be given full time for the remainder of my tenure at work. And benefits.

I just wrote my updated schedule on my calendar. I think I might die. The problem is this: I work what a normal person works in five days - but I work it in four, plus a Saturday. I'm exhausted already.

Downside: Well, there are really several reasons that this might end badly...
Upside: Nothing can whip my butt into shape quite like the impending demise my free time/social life. I cleaned my work desk. I sorted two shoe boxes full of financial documents that, quite frankly, I have been avoiding for a very, very long time. I cleaned out my dresser, adding a few items to my "no longer needed" pile. Even for being an organization freak as of late, my room looks especially organized right now.

All in all, today was a pretty good day. Work was good. I spent lots of quality time with my cats. Watched a few episodes of Laguna Beach: Season 2. Don't judge me; some guilty pleasures are good for the soul. Now Lucius is pestering me because I'm not paying enough attention to him. Men... Unfortunately for me, he's too cute to be replaced. Guess I'll just have to distract him with catnip instead. [He is now cleverly sitting onto of my mouse and mouse pad, even while my hand is on the mouse. I guess some guys know how to get what they want.]

I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately. There are a million things I could say, but I want to try to be gracious and kind. I will say that all I can do is follow my heart and what will make me happy. Intense, acute pain is better than lasting pain. As much as I may feel displeased by the choices that others have made, I have to trust that they are doing what will make them happy. Even when their logic is ill-reasoned. Even when I work through what they are saying to gather what they really mean - and they might not even realize it comes across so harsh and shallow.

"It's a good idea not to live your life just to please others. You don't please yourself and you end up not pleasing anyone else. But if you please yourself, maybe you'll please someone else." -Groucho Marx

I want to be happy. I want to please myself, and maybe one day someone else. Preferably someone who "gets" me fully. Back to happiness. I've been thinking about a) people whom I admire and b) periods in my life that I most closely relate with happiness. I've been struggling with the TV debate. To watch or not to watch (that is the question). Upon further reflection, I think I've had it backwards. I think I need to spend less time on the computer, while essentially maintaining my current television viewing pattern. My reasoning is that I'm much better at multitasking while watching television, I'm much more active while watching television, my periods associated with happiness were not spent logging long hours on the internet, and lastly the people I admire do not waste a lot of time on the internet. They do not waste a lot of time watching television either, but this point is moot because in my case television serves as a background for productivity. This realization is also convenient considering that I just ordered two seasons of two of my favorite shows on DVD. But regardless I stand by my perception and believe that, at least in my case, it rings true.

I'm not exactly sure what the future holds, but here's to 2012 and positive life changes!!!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

“The first duty of love is to listen.” -Paul Tillich

My heart has been a little bit heavy these last few days. We are all growing up. Some of our lives are changing; some are not. I am facing the demise of a long friendship.

Partly because of this stressful situation, I already took down and packed away my Christmas tree and all of my decorations. As I was putting all of my non-Christmas decor back in place, I glanced upon a sign I had gotten on a business trip last year. For the past several months, prior to Christmas, it has sat, largely unnoticed, on my bookshelf. It simply states: "a true friend always lifts you up."

For this particular friendship, this has not been the case. Quite the opposite; I believe they bring out the worst in me. Yet I was still struggling with the idea of losing them. One evening, after a particularly dramatic two days, I took a long shower to clear my head. Then it came to me. The passage in James that warns us we should only produce praise or cursing, not both.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."-James 3:9-12 [NIV]

Proverbs also warns us about choosing our friends wisely.

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." -Proverbs 13:20 [ESV]

 

 I decided to reread "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue" by Emily Giffin. I've probably blogged about them before, they are some of my favorites. I just love the depth of emotion they show you, while exploring what it truly means to be a good friend - and what characteristics we exhibit that are not part of being a good friend. I love this quote from "Something Blue":

 

“Love and friendship. They are what make us who we are, and what can change us, if we let them.”

2011 hasn't been an easy year. It's been filled with mistakes, poor choices, and drama. But, thankfully, it generally ended on a high note. Completing another half marathon. Growing up - and making decisions accordingly. I can only hope that these positive events keep happening in 2012. [and that the drama of this waning friendship is kept to a minimum]

Wishing you all happiness as we celebrate a New Year, full of new potential! Happy New Year!!!

Rainy Days and Mondays...

"You know you're going to marry him right?"
"I already told you that. You said you'd kill me first."
"I know. The offer still stands."

[I love my friends]

 But sometimes, that's not enough.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea”. -Isak Dinesen



Today was just one of those days. The days where you work all day, yet somehow you don't seem to complete anything. I made progress in several areas. Yet I completely finished nothing.

I can be thankful that I have the luxury of not finishing tasks. I can go to sleep in my comfortable bed, in the shelter of my house, and (hopefully) sleep peacefully until I wake up tomorrow. Then I can try again.

I can be thankful that I have access to medicine to help me somewhat comfortable when I am not feeling well.

I can be thankful that I have friends who will listen to me when I am frustrated, overjoyed, or just need to talk. Whether they agree, disagree, or even understand, they are there and willing to listen when I ask.

I can be thankful for my cats. I got their mother, Grace, at Church on a Sunday morning. I wasn't thrilled when she had two kittens. Little did I know Grace would get cancer, and I would need her babies to keep an eye on me. They remind me that affection is important. That the only necessities in life are food, water, shelter, and rest. Naps are underrated. Also, cats are great listeners. They don't always do what you ask, but they always listen. They are always aware of what you are saying, of what is going on around them.

Most importantly, I can be thankful that I have a [somewhat] dependable car that gets me where I need to be, and hold a decent amount of stuff. This will help me cross a few things off of my to-do list tomorrow.

I can be thankful for tomorrows.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." -Isaiah 58:11

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." -Psalm 29:11