Holy 7 Months Batman! Sorry about that...
I can't believe IT'S SEPTEMBER. HOW did that happen??!!
Let's see. Last winter was miserably cold. Dealing with leaving my home church was awful. Dealing with my new church was great. Africa stuff is evolving in suprising ways. No plans to rellocate permanently, I'm staying involved stateside! Church went downhill. Some people at church became persistent, which annoyed me, so I left. Summer was uneventful, that is, until my dad died.
God is still sovereign. He is still good.
Work with Africa is still good. The US office is evolving, changing. It's challenging me in terrifying ways, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I'm loving every minute. I've had two skype meetings this week, one more to go. I'm going back to Africa in 2015. It will be a short and sweet trip. I am blessed.
And love? You'll have to wait to hear the verdict on that one, but I feel like I just might be on to something.
So here's to fall. To leaves and pumpkins and hot chocolate. To cool days snuggled up with a movie or book. To traveling for the Africa org, and for once a year to have the chance of being with each other in person. To celebrating the past while still being open to make new memories. To life and love.
Showing posts with label Africa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Africa. Show all posts
Friday, September 5, 2014
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Where The Rubber Meets the Road
I traveled with one large suitcase and two carry-on bags. Stuffed with clothes, OTCs, magazines, my netbook, a digital camera, a video camera, and my Bible. With everything I would have for the next nine weeks.
It filled up the wardrobe in my room in South Africa. It easily fit into the closet in my room in Zambia. I was repeatedly struck by the fact that I didn't miss anything I had left at home. For quite some time, even before my time in Africa I believe, there was a nagging question in the back of my head: "who would I be without all of my stuff?"
The question has plagued me in a persistent fashion. My co-workers wonder how much more I can get rid of. They probably question my new-found aversion to things. Since I have been home, I have regularly and consistently purged my material items. Something will make the cut, only to sit around unused for another month. It might not be so lucky the next round. The dilemma is this: I bought things when I was younger, thinking that my life would be a certain way. Now that I am older, I don't want that life. A safe life with perfectly manicured Christmas trees, tables with fine dishware, and organized trinkets displaying precious memories throughout a home. I would love to go back to Africa. What good will my stuff do sitting in boxes for years? When someone else could use it and enjoy it? It's not even about Africa, really. I loved my time in Africa and would willingly go back if given the opportunity! But I would hope to be "on-call" to go wherever I may be called on a seconds notice. Whether it's Florida, Pakistan, or Africa. I don't want to be encumbered by the emotional weight of what to do with my things. I want to willingly go with joy and readiness.
We got quite a bit of snow yesterday and, as per usual, the roads were untreated and miserable for driving. I went to Church in the morning so the youth could practice their Christmas program. I drove home and was glad to pull in to my driveway safe and sound. On top of the snow, it has also been very, very cold here, so I was thrilled by the chance to stay home where it is nice and warm. It was a good chance to get caught up on things that can fall by the wayside in a busy week. Financial things, laundry, etc along those lines. I've been tweaking a few things in my room in anticipation of the new year. 2013 was an amazing year filled with love, adventure, heartbreak, new experiences, heartbreak, disappointment and lots of lessons - and I am ready for it to be over! In my room, I had displayed my four foot artificial Christmas tree. My room has gone through several transformations this year, and recently I rearranged my shelving unit that holds my clothes. The Christmas tree had sat in the same spot it has every year, in front of what was formerly the home of a bookshelf and is now the home of my shelving unit. The tree proved to be an annoyance when getting dressed on weekends, as it challenged access to some of my casual clothes. On Friday I went to work later in the morning, so I was up early. I had bought a new lamp for that corner of the room and was rearranging the lighting. This project was also greatly hampered by my Christmas tree. Being artificial it was fairly easy to pull out, towards the middle of the room, and then push back when I was done. This didn't prevent it from being an annoyance though.
I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I had been pulling items to donate or sell earlier in the week. Trying to discern what actually adds something to my life versus just consuming space. NBC was re-airing their live broadcast of 'The Sound of Music Live!' I love the story, and there were several local Pittsburgh natives involved with the production. (And this the part that I don't exactly remember.) I had started with taking down the pictures from Africa I had displayed in my room, with the intent of mixing things up and coming up with a different way to display them. I was going to get rid of the magnetic collage boards I had been using. (Like I said, pointless to keep in storage if I had the chance to go back to Africa.) Then it was my stereo, that I have had since the 90s. The CD deck stopped working, and I don't listen to the radio all that frequently, so I opted to give that to charity. I was removing it from the shelf on my bookcase where it has sat for the last 10+ years. I think I will move my betta tank there, as that shelf is more difficult for the cat to reach and she has been especially into my betta fish lately - it makes me nervous that one day I'm going to come home to a mess of an aquarium that has been knocked over... Anyway, the next thing I know the question was back in my mind. "Who would I be without my stuff?"
Who would I be without my stuff? What would life be without my Christmas tree? I love Christmas, but does Christmas really require a Christmas tree? Especially a tree that has been getting on my nerves more often than providing enjoyment? I decided that the four foot tree was merely a purchase. It was a collection of ornaments I had bought at my job - nothing sentimental. I have another tree that I bought at my job, years before I worked there. It is an 18 inch miniature tree that I bought because I have miniature ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother. It is much more sentimental, not to mention stuffed to the gills with ornaments. It is more manageable to leave in the box, and in the event that I am in the US for Christmas, that will be my go-to tree. I decided to give the four foot tree to charity. But would I regret it? My gut told me no, and though I still had some apprehension, at one in the morning I undecorated and packed up my Christmas tree.
While I was collecting items, before my Christmas tree met its demise, I kept thinking what a waste it all is. I was debating the merits of whether or not to own all of these things that do not greatly influence my life, while my mind went to the people I had met in Africa who owned so little but were still immensely grateful. I don't need it, any of it. So for the next few weeks I will continue to question why I own what I own. I don't expect that 2014 will be an easier year, but I believe it will be a happier year. It's like Paul said:
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." -Philippians 4:11 [NIV]
I will choose to be content in the here and now. I will choose to be happy.
It filled up the wardrobe in my room in South Africa. It easily fit into the closet in my room in Zambia. I was repeatedly struck by the fact that I didn't miss anything I had left at home. For quite some time, even before my time in Africa I believe, there was a nagging question in the back of my head: "who would I be without all of my stuff?"
The question has plagued me in a persistent fashion. My co-workers wonder how much more I can get rid of. They probably question my new-found aversion to things. Since I have been home, I have regularly and consistently purged my material items. Something will make the cut, only to sit around unused for another month. It might not be so lucky the next round. The dilemma is this: I bought things when I was younger, thinking that my life would be a certain way. Now that I am older, I don't want that life. A safe life with perfectly manicured Christmas trees, tables with fine dishware, and organized trinkets displaying precious memories throughout a home. I would love to go back to Africa. What good will my stuff do sitting in boxes for years? When someone else could use it and enjoy it? It's not even about Africa, really. I loved my time in Africa and would willingly go back if given the opportunity! But I would hope to be "on-call" to go wherever I may be called on a seconds notice. Whether it's Florida, Pakistan, or Africa. I don't want to be encumbered by the emotional weight of what to do with my things. I want to willingly go with joy and readiness.
We got quite a bit of snow yesterday and, as per usual, the roads were untreated and miserable for driving. I went to Church in the morning so the youth could practice their Christmas program. I drove home and was glad to pull in to my driveway safe and sound. On top of the snow, it has also been very, very cold here, so I was thrilled by the chance to stay home where it is nice and warm. It was a good chance to get caught up on things that can fall by the wayside in a busy week. Financial things, laundry, etc along those lines. I've been tweaking a few things in my room in anticipation of the new year. 2013 was an amazing year filled with love, adventure, heartbreak, new experiences, heartbreak, disappointment and lots of lessons - and I am ready for it to be over! In my room, I had displayed my four foot artificial Christmas tree. My room has gone through several transformations this year, and recently I rearranged my shelving unit that holds my clothes. The Christmas tree had sat in the same spot it has every year, in front of what was formerly the home of a bookshelf and is now the home of my shelving unit. The tree proved to be an annoyance when getting dressed on weekends, as it challenged access to some of my casual clothes. On Friday I went to work later in the morning, so I was up early. I had bought a new lamp for that corner of the room and was rearranging the lighting. This project was also greatly hampered by my Christmas tree. Being artificial it was fairly easy to pull out, towards the middle of the room, and then push back when I was done. This didn't prevent it from being an annoyance though.
I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I had been pulling items to donate or sell earlier in the week. Trying to discern what actually adds something to my life versus just consuming space. NBC was re-airing their live broadcast of 'The Sound of Music Live!' I love the story, and there were several local Pittsburgh natives involved with the production. (And this the part that I don't exactly remember.) I had started with taking down the pictures from Africa I had displayed in my room, with the intent of mixing things up and coming up with a different way to display them. I was going to get rid of the magnetic collage boards I had been using. (Like I said, pointless to keep in storage if I had the chance to go back to Africa.) Then it was my stereo, that I have had since the 90s. The CD deck stopped working, and I don't listen to the radio all that frequently, so I opted to give that to charity. I was removing it from the shelf on my bookcase where it has sat for the last 10+ years. I think I will move my betta tank there, as that shelf is more difficult for the cat to reach and she has been especially into my betta fish lately - it makes me nervous that one day I'm going to come home to a mess of an aquarium that has been knocked over... Anyway, the next thing I know the question was back in my mind. "Who would I be without my stuff?"
Who would I be without my stuff? What would life be without my Christmas tree? I love Christmas, but does Christmas really require a Christmas tree? Especially a tree that has been getting on my nerves more often than providing enjoyment? I decided that the four foot tree was merely a purchase. It was a collection of ornaments I had bought at my job - nothing sentimental. I have another tree that I bought at my job, years before I worked there. It is an 18 inch miniature tree that I bought because I have miniature ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother. It is much more sentimental, not to mention stuffed to the gills with ornaments. It is more manageable to leave in the box, and in the event that I am in the US for Christmas, that will be my go-to tree. I decided to give the four foot tree to charity. But would I regret it? My gut told me no, and though I still had some apprehension, at one in the morning I undecorated and packed up my Christmas tree.
While I was collecting items, before my Christmas tree met its demise, I kept thinking what a waste it all is. I was debating the merits of whether or not to own all of these things that do not greatly influence my life, while my mind went to the people I had met in Africa who owned so little but were still immensely grateful. I don't need it, any of it. So for the next few weeks I will continue to question why I own what I own. I don't expect that 2014 will be an easier year, but I believe it will be a happier year. It's like Paul said:
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." -Philippians 4:11 [NIV]
I will choose to be content in the here and now. I will choose to be happy.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
One.
One year. Since an argument that was a catalyst for everything that happened these last twelve months. Since I found out who else was in the February intake: the seven people I would be spending my time in Africa with. Fast forward to South Africa, a breakup, Zambia, my best friends wedding, job advancement, traveling to Wisconsin to be with the Hands USA Family, and growing accustomed to a constant state of change. What a crazy year it has been!
For the first time in a few weeks, I finally have time to just "be." As always, I'm feeling unsettled. My Christmas trees are up and my Advent wreath is ready, but aside from that my room is a mess. I wish I could have an extended amount of time to hole up in my room. To take the time to put everything in it's proper place, and to get my head on straight. I feel immensely grateful for this year: for everything that has happened, both the ups and the downs, but I must admit I feel very drained. I'm always unsure. Was I too bold? Too honest? Did I say too much, or not enough? Are my motives understood or misinterpreted? This fire is also fueled by the work I do, under a constant spotlight of coworkers, not to mention constant critique from our customers. And I have memorized some of our medications at the corresponding cells in our robot. Proof I work too much and need to get out more.
A few weeks ago, I did get a chance to break out of the work bubble. I went to dinner and coffee with a dear friend that I hadn't seen all summer. It was a truly great time, I hadn't laughed that much in months! Since then I have been busy with work, Church, Youth Group, meetings, and getting ready for the holidays. I have squeezed in a couple visits to my brother's in Pittsburgh. It is an easy drive, but with traffic I always find it to be tiring. By the time I get home and pull in the driveway, I can feel the tension in my shoulders and I am ready for bed! We took them to the Zoo earlier this month; I made one trip when my nephews were with their mom, and one other when they were around and I had a day off from work. They are my favorite boys and they light up my life! Since my last visit, I have been busy prepping my Christmas presents for them. I have wrapped most of what I had, aside from the clothes (because more are coming) and stocking-stuffers. I still have a few more presents for them coming in the mail.
My other hobbies as of late have included watching old movies I have on DVD, balancing my budget and attempting to be a responsible adult, and of course drinking my weight in hot chocolate on a daily basis. I make my own from scratch: the stuff is worth being savored! And, in case you missed it, yes I did mention earlier that my Christmas tree is decorated. Naturally, since that bit is taken care of, I have been giving some serious thought to another favorite holiday tradition: New Years Resolutions. I know, I am an over-achiever and make the rest of you look bad, I know - my co-workers tell me this all the time! But there is just something so romantic about the possibility of having a clean slate, a fresh start. And really, I don't ski - what else do you expect me to do with my time for the cold winter months prior to spring. (When I'm not drinking hot chocolate, obviously.) Nothing on my resolutions list is crazy or unpredictable. This is not a complete list, but here are a few of my goals: Run more, pack my lunch everyday for work (takeout is too expensive to inhale on a lunch break alone, it should be savored in the presence of good company), drink more water, spend money more wisely (save more), spend more time intently engaging with friends and family, keeping TV to a minimum if watched at all, and relearning German. I don't know if that is the appropriate term, and I imagine it will start coming back to me. (I studied German for 6.5 years beginning in the sixth grade.) For whatever reason, I got into the German one today. It's been on my wish list forever, probably since I stopped taking classes and actively studying it. I changed my Facebook account language to German, so I will see it everyday, and I rewrote out everything in my to-do notebook in German. (day of the week, date, month, work schedule and anything else currently on my calendar) I also have a German translation of the New Testament. My extended family tend to always have their own gatherings for holidays, so aside from my nephews the holidays are fairly quiet. A few gatherings with friends here and there, but I am hoping I will have enough time over the next month to tie up loose ends and pending projects so I can actually start the new year refreshed with a clear head.
All in all, I am blessed. I am aware of my blessings, and I feel more whole than I have in quite some time. I want to savor this next month, because I know as fast as it will go, the following three chilly months will drag on...
Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones near and far!
For the first time in a few weeks, I finally have time to just "be." As always, I'm feeling unsettled. My Christmas trees are up and my Advent wreath is ready, but aside from that my room is a mess. I wish I could have an extended amount of time to hole up in my room. To take the time to put everything in it's proper place, and to get my head on straight. I feel immensely grateful for this year: for everything that has happened, both the ups and the downs, but I must admit I feel very drained. I'm always unsure. Was I too bold? Too honest? Did I say too much, or not enough? Are my motives understood or misinterpreted? This fire is also fueled by the work I do, under a constant spotlight of coworkers, not to mention constant critique from our customers. And I have memorized some of our medications at the corresponding cells in our robot. Proof I work too much and need to get out more.
A few weeks ago, I did get a chance to break out of the work bubble. I went to dinner and coffee with a dear friend that I hadn't seen all summer. It was a truly great time, I hadn't laughed that much in months! Since then I have been busy with work, Church, Youth Group, meetings, and getting ready for the holidays. I have squeezed in a couple visits to my brother's in Pittsburgh. It is an easy drive, but with traffic I always find it to be tiring. By the time I get home and pull in the driveway, I can feel the tension in my shoulders and I am ready for bed! We took them to the Zoo earlier this month; I made one trip when my nephews were with their mom, and one other when they were around and I had a day off from work. They are my favorite boys and they light up my life! Since my last visit, I have been busy prepping my Christmas presents for them. I have wrapped most of what I had, aside from the clothes (because more are coming) and stocking-stuffers. I still have a few more presents for them coming in the mail.
My other hobbies as of late have included watching old movies I have on DVD, balancing my budget and attempting to be a responsible adult, and of course drinking my weight in hot chocolate on a daily basis. I make my own from scratch: the stuff is worth being savored! And, in case you missed it, yes I did mention earlier that my Christmas tree is decorated. Naturally, since that bit is taken care of, I have been giving some serious thought to another favorite holiday tradition: New Years Resolutions. I know, I am an over-achiever and make the rest of you look bad, I know - my co-workers tell me this all the time! But there is just something so romantic about the possibility of having a clean slate, a fresh start. And really, I don't ski - what else do you expect me to do with my time for the cold winter months prior to spring. (When I'm not drinking hot chocolate, obviously.) Nothing on my resolutions list is crazy or unpredictable. This is not a complete list, but here are a few of my goals: Run more, pack my lunch everyday for work (takeout is too expensive to inhale on a lunch break alone, it should be savored in the presence of good company), drink more water, spend money more wisely (save more), spend more time intently engaging with friends and family, keeping TV to a minimum if watched at all, and relearning German. I don't know if that is the appropriate term, and I imagine it will start coming back to me. (I studied German for 6.5 years beginning in the sixth grade.) For whatever reason, I got into the German one today. It's been on my wish list forever, probably since I stopped taking classes and actively studying it. I changed my Facebook account language to German, so I will see it everyday, and I rewrote out everything in my to-do notebook in German. (day of the week, date, month, work schedule and anything else currently on my calendar) I also have a German translation of the New Testament. My extended family tend to always have their own gatherings for holidays, so aside from my nephews the holidays are fairly quiet. A few gatherings with friends here and there, but I am hoping I will have enough time over the next month to tie up loose ends and pending projects so I can actually start the new year refreshed with a clear head.
All in all, I am blessed. I am aware of my blessings, and I feel more whole than I have in quite some time. I want to savor this next month, because I know as fast as it will go, the following three chilly months will drag on...
Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones near and far!
Friday, October 11, 2013
my extended African family
It's the Hands at Work USA Family Reunion weekend! It is the first time all of the USA advocates are getting together. Not everyone can make it unfortunately, but I'm excited. I've only met a handful of people in person. I've messaged a handful of others on Facebook. But today is the day. Today I am driving to the Pittsburgh Airport, after stopping at my brothers to drop off a few things, and flying to Chicago. I was planning on taking a shuttle by myself, but Sara called me yesterday with some news. I'm landing in Chicago at the right time. If all goes well, I will meet up with our founder, George, who is visiting from Africa and three other Americans and we will all take a hired van together. I am excited about this weekend. For everyone I will meet and for the stories we will share.
I am not looking forward to the last 30 minutes of my drive to the airport. I am praying it will be swift and stress free with no major hiccups. George says: "if you are comfortable in your life, then you are relying on yourself rather than on God..." WELL I will definitely be relying on God to get me through the morning rush hour on my way to the airport. yikes... prayers for safe travels for everyone traveling to and from the reunion this weekend are appreciated!
I am not looking forward to the last 30 minutes of my drive to the airport. I am praying it will be swift and stress free with no major hiccups. George says: "if you are comfortable in your life, then you are relying on yourself rather than on God..." WELL I will definitely be relying on God to get me through the morning rush hour on my way to the airport. yikes... prayers for safe travels for everyone traveling to and from the reunion this weekend are appreciated!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change
When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...
and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)
I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.
Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]
Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.
So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.
and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)
I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.
Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]
Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.
So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Challenged
Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.
The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)
Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?
They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Home
After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.
Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...
Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.
I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.
I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...
It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.
Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...
Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.
I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.
I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...
It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Last Hours
I'm down to my last hours in Africa.
Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.
After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.
After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.
I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV]
I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real.
I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.
So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home.
I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.
But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family.
But first...
4 “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. 5 They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. 6 And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. 7 This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. 8 Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
9 “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. 10 And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. 11 Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
12 “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. 13 About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. 14 We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
19 “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. 20 First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. 21 That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. 22 But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— 23 that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
25 “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
28 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
29 Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
30 The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. 31 After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
32 Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”
Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.
After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.
After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.
I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV]
I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real.
I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.
So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home.
I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.
But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family.
But first...
Acts 26
New International Version (NIV)
26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”
So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: 2 “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, 3 and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.4 “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. 5 They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. 6 And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. 7 This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. 8 Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
9 “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. 10 And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. 11 Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
12 “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. 13 About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. 14 We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
19 “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. 20 First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. 21 That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. 22 But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— 23 that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
25 “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
28 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
29 Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
30 The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. 31 After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
32 Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Without you I’m just miles away...
They were sitting
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious
They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious
They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing
Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing
People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time
Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time
Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away
Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It
Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.
It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me
Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.
Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.
I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post. It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!
It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me
Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.
Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.
I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post. It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
South Africa
I am back in South Africa!!!
It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!
It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...
It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!
It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...
Sunday, March 24, 2013
'oh wells'
A friend posted this quote on their facebook today. Given the haphazard turns my life has taken during my trip here, I thought it was appropriate:
"I would rather a crazy life filled with 'oh wells' than a sane one filled with 'what ifs'"
of course, since I'm the ignoramus making all these decisions, I certainly hope I would feel this way after the fact: that everything will be worthwhile in the end.
"I would rather a crazy life filled with 'oh wells' than a sane one filled with 'what ifs'"
of course, since I'm the ignoramus making all these decisions, I certainly hope I would feel this way after the fact: that everything will be worthwhile in the end.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Life in Kitwe
okay so my update didn't come quite so soon...
Kitwe is amazing! I live in a guest house in a room by myself, but there are four other tenants who live there. The communities, care workers and children are absolutely amazing. I do have a functioning television. I do not have internet access, hence the lack of updates.
For the weekend I am back at Kachele with two of the guys from my intake. We went out in Luanshya today to do some shopping and go out for lunch. It was really fun. Aside from that we played with Tawonga most of the day. It was really good. I'm feeling slightly disjointed; it's odd knowing this will be the last weekend I'm here at the farm in Zambia. I have been in Africa so long. Well, it feels like I've been here so long, but in reality I've been here just six weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I will actually feel when I am on American soil again. It will be a major adjustment, leaving Africa and everyone I have met here, everything I have done here. It's definitely causing some conflicting emotions, but I know it will be alright. As Alicia, my roommate in South Africa, would say: "it will all shake out" and another one: "life's a kick in the pants" but really, I'm trying to focus on the "it will all shake out" sentiment.
I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the season God has brought me to, for however long it lasts. I am trying to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions in my life. Thankfully, God still used them to bring me to a better place. I have to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions and very nearly made a mockery of my own life, and that I don't know best. I don't know what is best, I don't make the best decisions and at this point I basically have to throw up my hands and wait for God to lead me. And I am not patient. I don't like being patient and I'm not good at it. Lynn says that is important. That we embrace the uncomfortable moments. That we allow them to be periods where God molds us for what is next. I will let it happen, but I won't enjoy it. Not intrinsically. I guess I'm a control freak. I would also hazard to guess that is part of the problem. I am so impatient. I am definitely a victim of the instant gratification society. I also realize the six of the last seven sentences, including this one, is all about me. That is also the problem. It's not about me. It shouldn't be about me. I am temporal and insignificant and my life is meaningless without the existence of something bigger. Something bigger as in God. And that is the point, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. Despite how much we say we love Jesus, and how we strive to be Christ-like, we are still such self-serving creatures.
I hope to return to Africa for a longer stay. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not sure what that would look like in my mind compared to what God might have planned. I realize if I come back to Africa it will have to be on God's terms and not on my preconceived terms. Even when we realize that God is going to use us, and are in favor of that and willing to pursue that, it is still a challenge to completely set aside the mindset of self. To completely sacrifice our selfish ideas and motives. I don't know if I can successfully do that, but I know it is something I must strive for. The test will be when I land, walk off the plane, after being taken out of my African support system and left to my own devices. It will be an adventure. Probably a disaster... but an adventure none the less...
Kitwe is amazing! I live in a guest house in a room by myself, but there are four other tenants who live there. The communities, care workers and children are absolutely amazing. I do have a functioning television. I do not have internet access, hence the lack of updates.
For the weekend I am back at Kachele with two of the guys from my intake. We went out in Luanshya today to do some shopping and go out for lunch. It was really fun. Aside from that we played with Tawonga most of the day. It was really good. I'm feeling slightly disjointed; it's odd knowing this will be the last weekend I'm here at the farm in Zambia. I have been in Africa so long. Well, it feels like I've been here so long, but in reality I've been here just six weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I will actually feel when I am on American soil again. It will be a major adjustment, leaving Africa and everyone I have met here, everything I have done here. It's definitely causing some conflicting emotions, but I know it will be alright. As Alicia, my roommate in South Africa, would say: "it will all shake out" and another one: "life's a kick in the pants" but really, I'm trying to focus on the "it will all shake out" sentiment.
I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the season God has brought me to, for however long it lasts. I am trying to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions in my life. Thankfully, God still used them to bring me to a better place. I have to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions and very nearly made a mockery of my own life, and that I don't know best. I don't know what is best, I don't make the best decisions and at this point I basically have to throw up my hands and wait for God to lead me. And I am not patient. I don't like being patient and I'm not good at it. Lynn says that is important. That we embrace the uncomfortable moments. That we allow them to be periods where God molds us for what is next. I will let it happen, but I won't enjoy it. Not intrinsically. I guess I'm a control freak. I would also hazard to guess that is part of the problem. I am so impatient. I am definitely a victim of the instant gratification society. I also realize the six of the last seven sentences, including this one, is all about me. That is also the problem. It's not about me. It shouldn't be about me. I am temporal and insignificant and my life is meaningless without the existence of something bigger. Something bigger as in God. And that is the point, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. Despite how much we say we love Jesus, and how we strive to be Christ-like, we are still such self-serving creatures.
I hope to return to Africa for a longer stay. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not sure what that would look like in my mind compared to what God might have planned. I realize if I come back to Africa it will have to be on God's terms and not on my preconceived terms. Even when we realize that God is going to use us, and are in favor of that and willing to pursue that, it is still a challenge to completely set aside the mindset of self. To completely sacrifice our selfish ideas and motives. I don't know if I can successfully do that, but I know it is something I must strive for. The test will be when I land, walk off the plane, after being taken out of my African support system and left to my own devices. It will be an adventure. Probably a disaster... but an adventure none the less...
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Zambia
I am officially in Luanshya, Zambia at the Kachele farm and I will be here until Friday. Then I will head to Kitwe, and remain there for the next three weeks. I am super excited, but for now, that is all you get. I will update again, in more detail, soon, I promise!
Monday, March 11, 2013
moving!
oh hey blogworld!
just a quick note to let you all know that I'M GOING TO KITWE, ZAMBIA!!!
I will be booking my flights later today. I am either leaving tomorrow or Thursday, depending on how things shake out, and I will be staying there for just under a month. I'll be living (most likely) by myself, but in close proximity to a couple that is already there. To put it mildly, I am super stoked!
so that is all for now. I'll provide additional details once I know them, but it's going to be a blast!!!
just a quick note to let you all know that I'M GOING TO KITWE, ZAMBIA!!!
I will be booking my flights later today. I am either leaving tomorrow or Thursday, depending on how things shake out, and I will be staying there for just under a month. I'll be living (most likely) by myself, but in close proximity to a couple that is already there. To put it mildly, I am super stoked!
so that is all for now. I'll provide additional details once I know them, but it's going to be a blast!!!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Sweet Housemates
While I've been in South Africa, I've been living with Alicia from Canada. I must admit she's a pretty stellar individual and I'm stoked she is my roommate. We're definitely roommates for a reason, because she just seems to get me in a way that is honest yet non-judgmental. We spent yesterday morning discussing my plight as to whether or not I'm a complete headcase. Surprisingly, she agreed that my thought process was legitimate, and echoed the sentiments that I used to validate my intrinsic perception of myself as a headcase.
This process has felt really organic. I feel like I am a truer version of myself here. Of course, I feel like I notice undesirable characteristics in myself on a daily basis, which is a bit of a downer. I also feel like a complete basket case on a frequent basis. On the upside, Alicia and I started taking walks with Russell. We walked to the Farm today, which takes about an hour if you are walking at a decent pace. I got so sun burnt, but it really helped me decompress a bit so it was well worth it. After our afternoon session with Alicia (a different Alicia) and Tyler, we came back to the Village and Russell and I took a walk 'up stairs' and ended up coming back down to the trampoline in the field. We talked for two hours, poor guy... I unloaded on him, but he was so patient and handled it like a champ. I think it's magnified by living in community, which is good and bad. I love living in such a close community with everyone here, but if you ever have an 'off' day, it just makes it seem that much worse. I'm blessed to have people that are so gracious and willing to listen to my vent.
Then it was dinner with Tommy and Morgan, and movie night! We watched 'Jurassic Park'
Tomorrow we have an early morning with Bentley, and the Hands at Work Amazing Race in the afternoon. It should be a good weekend!
This process has felt really organic. I feel like I am a truer version of myself here. Of course, I feel like I notice undesirable characteristics in myself on a daily basis, which is a bit of a downer. I also feel like a complete basket case on a frequent basis. On the upside, Alicia and I started taking walks with Russell. We walked to the Farm today, which takes about an hour if you are walking at a decent pace. I got so sun burnt, but it really helped me decompress a bit so it was well worth it. After our afternoon session with Alicia (a different Alicia) and Tyler, we came back to the Village and Russell and I took a walk 'up stairs' and ended up coming back down to the trampoline in the field. We talked for two hours, poor guy... I unloaded on him, but he was so patient and handled it like a champ. I think it's magnified by living in community, which is good and bad. I love living in such a close community with everyone here, but if you ever have an 'off' day, it just makes it seem that much worse. I'm blessed to have people that are so gracious and willing to listen to my vent.
Then it was dinner with Tommy and Morgan, and movie night! We watched 'Jurassic Park'
Tomorrow we have an early morning with Bentley, and the Hands at Work Amazing Race in the afternoon. It should be a good weekend!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Broken Record
It's been another intense day in Africa. I'm not sure exactly how to convey my thoughts most effectively, but I'll give it a go anyway...
The last month has definitely been trial by fire, and I am feeling the heat. I can't begin to express how awesome my experience has been thus far, but it's also been kind of rough. I mentioned in my last post about how I hate filtering myself. That is very true, but ironically, I also hate incessantly harping on the same topic, especially if it is ultimately inconsequential. This brings me to the demise of my relationship. Quite frankly there are things about the situation that thoroughly piss me off - and that is putting it nicely. But I don't want to keep talking about it. I don't want to be that girl. It's done and it's over. If anything, I just have this remaining excess emotional energy that I need to vent off. Like aftershocks following a massive earthquake. But I don't want to seem like I'm obsessing over the relationship, because truthfully I'm not. I guess I'm just full of hot air, so to speak, for better or worse. This is compounded by being questioned by people, some of whom present questions more gracefully than others.
I am lucky that my housemates, for lack of a better word, have been so gracious. Amazingly so. I went on a walk outside the compound with Alicia and Russell today. It was really nice to just do something out of the ordinary. It was actually the first time I've been outside on foot. Anyway, Alicia has been really amazing throughout the whole ordeal. She's always asking if I'm okay, how I'm processing the situation. Today was more of the same. She asked how I've been handling it, if I feel like I've been able to handle it while dealing with everything else we see here in community. Ironically, she says that she feels like I don't talk about it that much. That was mildly flabbergasting because I feel like I've talked about it far too much. Like I'm a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same line. I feel like I have so much pent up energy, and the emotions are all confined to my head, so perhaps I just perceive the topic as being much more pervasive than it actually is. I think that makes sense and would be a rational explanation.
I think the other thing I've been dealing with is the fact that living in community highlights areas where my character is struggling. Again, I don't know if these issues are perceived by my housemates, but I notice. I will respond to a certain situation a certain way, only to realize after the fact that I'm a terrible person. Saying I'm a terrible person might be slightly melodramatic, but there are examples where I just see flaws in my character. It's really frustrating, but it's also exciting. For the most part, I'm guessing my housemates don't notice in the first place or, even if they do, don't dwell on the incident. Just little things mostly. It's encouraging because I am a Christian, and I truly felt convicted that I was not meant to continue the relationship with my boyfriend. I felt convicted that that was something I needed to release to God, and trust in His plan for me - even though I have no idea where that will lead me next. The relationship had become an idol in my heart, so now that I have relinquished that to God, I am noticing these situations that highlight my character flaws. I always initially take it as a punch to the gut, like 'oh, I can't believe I responded that way. I feel like a terrible person", etc, but once I think through it, I always feel convicted that it is merely a lesson I am meant to learn. I have been removed from all of my normal, familiar parameters so it is the perfect time for God to mold me into whatever He wants me to be. Or at least a great circumstance to jump start the process. I truly believe that is what God is doing in my life. It's encouraging, yet it's exhausting. I feel like it's something new everyday. Trial by fire. As draining as it can be, I'm also really excited to see what God has in store for me next. I've let go of so many things since being here, at some point I will see the fruit of my labor.
At this point, I am really tired and I just hope this makes sense to some degree. Rooms is watching 'The Princess and The Frog' again so that is my cue to pass out. Good night world wide web!
The last month has definitely been trial by fire, and I am feeling the heat. I can't begin to express how awesome my experience has been thus far, but it's also been kind of rough. I mentioned in my last post about how I hate filtering myself. That is very true, but ironically, I also hate incessantly harping on the same topic, especially if it is ultimately inconsequential. This brings me to the demise of my relationship. Quite frankly there are things about the situation that thoroughly piss me off - and that is putting it nicely. But I don't want to keep talking about it. I don't want to be that girl. It's done and it's over. If anything, I just have this remaining excess emotional energy that I need to vent off. Like aftershocks following a massive earthquake. But I don't want to seem like I'm obsessing over the relationship, because truthfully I'm not. I guess I'm just full of hot air, so to speak, for better or worse. This is compounded by being questioned by people, some of whom present questions more gracefully than others.
I am lucky that my housemates, for lack of a better word, have been so gracious. Amazingly so. I went on a walk outside the compound with Alicia and Russell today. It was really nice to just do something out of the ordinary. It was actually the first time I've been outside on foot. Anyway, Alicia has been really amazing throughout the whole ordeal. She's always asking if I'm okay, how I'm processing the situation. Today was more of the same. She asked how I've been handling it, if I feel like I've been able to handle it while dealing with everything else we see here in community. Ironically, she says that she feels like I don't talk about it that much. That was mildly flabbergasting because I feel like I've talked about it far too much. Like I'm a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same line. I feel like I have so much pent up energy, and the emotions are all confined to my head, so perhaps I just perceive the topic as being much more pervasive than it actually is. I think that makes sense and would be a rational explanation.
I think the other thing I've been dealing with is the fact that living in community highlights areas where my character is struggling. Again, I don't know if these issues are perceived by my housemates, but I notice. I will respond to a certain situation a certain way, only to realize after the fact that I'm a terrible person. Saying I'm a terrible person might be slightly melodramatic, but there are examples where I just see flaws in my character. It's really frustrating, but it's also exciting. For the most part, I'm guessing my housemates don't notice in the first place or, even if they do, don't dwell on the incident. Just little things mostly. It's encouraging because I am a Christian, and I truly felt convicted that I was not meant to continue the relationship with my boyfriend. I felt convicted that that was something I needed to release to God, and trust in His plan for me - even though I have no idea where that will lead me next. The relationship had become an idol in my heart, so now that I have relinquished that to God, I am noticing these situations that highlight my character flaws. I always initially take it as a punch to the gut, like 'oh, I can't believe I responded that way. I feel like a terrible person", etc, but once I think through it, I always feel convicted that it is merely a lesson I am meant to learn. I have been removed from all of my normal, familiar parameters so it is the perfect time for God to mold me into whatever He wants me to be. Or at least a great circumstance to jump start the process. I truly believe that is what God is doing in my life. It's encouraging, yet it's exhausting. I feel like it's something new everyday. Trial by fire. As draining as it can be, I'm also really excited to see what God has in store for me next. I've let go of so many things since being here, at some point I will see the fruit of my labor.
At this point, I am really tired and I just hope this makes sense to some degree. Rooms is watching 'The Princess and The Frog' again so that is my cue to pass out. Good night world wide web!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
The ABC's of Me: The Africa Edition
I have been in South Africa just under a month. The last for days we were all participating in stays in a local African community. While I've been in the community, aka away from technology and the internet, I had some time to reflect and here is what I came up with. The ABC's of Me: The Africa Edition [Looking back, I'm not sure how it is the ABC's since everything is numbered...but moot point I suppose]
First, let's all take a moment to rock out to some Kanye. I must confess I'm not typically a huge Kanye fan, but it's been stuck in my head the last 24 hours. And quite frankly, after the month I've had, it seems appropriate. [Yes, even after staying up past midnight, I still woke up before 5am. And the first song I listened to was Kanye. If I had twitter, the would be a #AfricaProblems momemt, ha!] If you are feeling so inclined, feel free to enjoy some Jason (what a classic!), some Miley (because this was recommended on my sidebar after watching Jason... Youtube, I question your methods, but still approve.) It's so bad, it's good. Leyton says it's okay, because after all, I'm from the USA. Win.
Anyway... Let's start with the lighter revelations, shall we?
1. It is really bright here, and one way or another, I need significantly less sleep here. If I was home right now, I'd practically be hibernating. I'd honestly need at least 8 hours; here, I can get by on 3 or 4 hours, piece of cake.
2. Thanks to my dad and his awesome genetics, I also eat less here. My tiny Pennsylvanian stomach just can't adjust to this African heat! I also burn like it's my job, but anyone who knows me will also know that is a given.
3. I'm okay with long periods of silence. Maybe more so than the average person. It's interesting because I can sit in a car for two hours and not talk and be completely content, but lately, I can also break out into spontaneous song and/or fits of laughter.
And now it's time for some Taylor, because it would be mildly un-American to leave her off the list entirely.
4. Despite my spontaneous singing and/or fits of laughter, I'm not really that outgoing. Or maybe I am outgoing in a quiet way. [side note: I've been told I don't fit the American stereotype, but I feel like there are a lot, and I didn't ask for specifics, but I'm going to take that as a compliment.] At any rate, I guess I'm just not as talkative as other people here. When I first reflected on this, my immediate response was to chastise myself, there is something in my brain that assumes, that other people assume, that if I'm not talkative I come off as cold. If that makes any sense at all. But then I realized I'm 27 and should just embrace it and move on with my life. [Insert Carly here. She's not American, but she is on the continent, so it will do.]
And now it's time for some Katy. But seriously, how did I get from Kanye West to Katy Perry?
5. I've got mettle. I can throw caution into the wind and just deal with it. I'm hard to rattle. Which I have noticed before, but everyone wants to think they can handle trial by fire, right? But coming here has confirmed that I am braver than I thought. I can handle the big things and be steadfast in unexpected or uncomfortable situations...
6. ...this bravery might be a ruse when you consider the fact that I am also impulsive. Perhaps more so than I originally thought. Potentially to the point of being naive but as I'm not dead yet, and haven't even caused that much damage, let's be honest: I'm just going to roll with it.
One more from Katy.
7. I can deal with the big things, yet somehow I am more annoyed by the little things.
8. I was definitely naive about how this trip would impact my life. Obviously I knew it would, and I was told essentially on a daily basis prior to my flight that it would. I just underestimated the changes it would bring. Maybe I underestimate how whole-heartedly I would welcome those changes...
9. ...I don't think I realized how unhappy I was at home. I put value and energy into areas in my life it should have never been in the first place. It's been a harsh learning curve, but definitely worth it.
10. I am a hot mess. I really don't have it together at all. I haven't really figured out anything either. Except that I wasted my time, along with the time of other people, and energy. I'm pretty much a walking disaster area. [Cue Alkaline Trio because mercy is something I need a lot of!] I suppose a construction area would be more appropriate, and slightly less self-deprecating. But folks, it honestly hasn't been all that pretty. It involved lots of shenanigans, hard questions and conversations, tears, and for a period of 48 hours, I really felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. But it has been awesome, and honestly it might be the best thing I've ever gone through in my life! So I guess I'm a hot mess, but I enjoy it?
11. I really, really hate filtering myself. I have to admit that I pride myself on being an open book. I think it's an awesome quality to have, but I have to keep telling myself it isn't everything. I think the periods in my life that I have been happiest, were also the periods that I was most impulsive. No holds barred, no shame, no filter periods. Delightful as that may be, I have to remind myself to be merciful to those around me. I could easily bare my heart and soul, but that would be caustic to certain people in my life. So I just have to sit here and shut up. I will filter. I won't enjoy it, but I will do it. [After all, not everyone can have my self esteem. The Offspring said it all though didn't they? 'The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care right? yeah!" Okay, that was true, but maybe harsh. Filter back on.]
12. I've learned some hard lessons. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I had a few relationships where I was head-over-heels. I always got burned, so in the future, I tried to avoid certain things. It turns out those things were part of the reason I was so happy in the first place. I fully realize this won't make any sense at first glance to anyone who knows my relationship history, but it's been a good revelation in the best way.
Now for some Blink. And more. And some more.
13. bonus: I've picked up a Canadian-accent and I'm still alive! At least until I go back to Pennsylvania...
And lastly, here's a little love by the Plain White T's to start off your Tuesday. You're welcome.
Thanks coming on this little journey of retrospection with me, but it's time for me to go see what other shenanigans I can get myself into here in the lovely country of South Africa!
First, let's all take a moment to rock out to some Kanye. I must confess I'm not typically a huge Kanye fan, but it's been stuck in my head the last 24 hours. And quite frankly, after the month I've had, it seems appropriate. [Yes, even after staying up past midnight, I still woke up before 5am. And the first song I listened to was Kanye. If I had twitter, the would be a #AfricaProblems momemt, ha!] If you are feeling so inclined, feel free to enjoy some Jason (what a classic!), some Miley (because this was recommended on my sidebar after watching Jason... Youtube, I question your methods, but still approve.) It's so bad, it's good. Leyton says it's okay, because after all, I'm from the USA. Win.
Anyway... Let's start with the lighter revelations, shall we?
1. It is really bright here, and one way or another, I need significantly less sleep here. If I was home right now, I'd practically be hibernating. I'd honestly need at least 8 hours; here, I can get by on 3 or 4 hours, piece of cake.
2. Thanks to my dad and his awesome genetics, I also eat less here. My tiny Pennsylvanian stomach just can't adjust to this African heat! I also burn like it's my job, but anyone who knows me will also know that is a given.
3. I'm okay with long periods of silence. Maybe more so than the average person. It's interesting because I can sit in a car for two hours and not talk and be completely content, but lately, I can also break out into spontaneous song and/or fits of laughter.
And now it's time for some Taylor, because it would be mildly un-American to leave her off the list entirely.
4. Despite my spontaneous singing and/or fits of laughter, I'm not really that outgoing. Or maybe I am outgoing in a quiet way. [side note: I've been told I don't fit the American stereotype, but I feel like there are a lot, and I didn't ask for specifics, but I'm going to take that as a compliment.] At any rate, I guess I'm just not as talkative as other people here. When I first reflected on this, my immediate response was to chastise myself, there is something in my brain that assumes, that other people assume, that if I'm not talkative I come off as cold. If that makes any sense at all. But then I realized I'm 27 and should just embrace it and move on with my life. [Insert Carly here. She's not American, but she is on the continent, so it will do.]
And now it's time for some Katy. But seriously, how did I get from Kanye West to Katy Perry?
5. I've got mettle. I can throw caution into the wind and just deal with it. I'm hard to rattle. Which I have noticed before, but everyone wants to think they can handle trial by fire, right? But coming here has confirmed that I am braver than I thought. I can handle the big things and be steadfast in unexpected or uncomfortable situations...
6. ...this bravery might be a ruse when you consider the fact that I am also impulsive. Perhaps more so than I originally thought. Potentially to the point of being naive but as I'm not dead yet, and haven't even caused that much damage, let's be honest: I'm just going to roll with it.
One more from Katy.
7. I can deal with the big things, yet somehow I am more annoyed by the little things.
8. I was definitely naive about how this trip would impact my life. Obviously I knew it would, and I was told essentially on a daily basis prior to my flight that it would. I just underestimated the changes it would bring. Maybe I underestimate how whole-heartedly I would welcome those changes...
9. ...I don't think I realized how unhappy I was at home. I put value and energy into areas in my life it should have never been in the first place. It's been a harsh learning curve, but definitely worth it.
10. I am a hot mess. I really don't have it together at all. I haven't really figured out anything either. Except that I wasted my time, along with the time of other people, and energy. I'm pretty much a walking disaster area. [Cue Alkaline Trio because mercy is something I need a lot of!] I suppose a construction area would be more appropriate, and slightly less self-deprecating. But folks, it honestly hasn't been all that pretty. It involved lots of shenanigans, hard questions and conversations, tears, and for a period of 48 hours, I really felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. But it has been awesome, and honestly it might be the best thing I've ever gone through in my life! So I guess I'm a hot mess, but I enjoy it?
11. I really, really hate filtering myself. I have to admit that I pride myself on being an open book. I think it's an awesome quality to have, but I have to keep telling myself it isn't everything. I think the periods in my life that I have been happiest, were also the periods that I was most impulsive. No holds barred, no shame, no filter periods. Delightful as that may be, I have to remind myself to be merciful to those around me. I could easily bare my heart and soul, but that would be caustic to certain people in my life. So I just have to sit here and shut up. I will filter. I won't enjoy it, but I will do it. [After all, not everyone can have my self esteem. The Offspring said it all though didn't they? 'The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care right? yeah!" Okay, that was true, but maybe harsh. Filter back on.]
12. I've learned some hard lessons. Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I had a few relationships where I was head-over-heels. I always got burned, so in the future, I tried to avoid certain things. It turns out those things were part of the reason I was so happy in the first place. I fully realize this won't make any sense at first glance to anyone who knows my relationship history, but it's been a good revelation in the best way.
Now for some Blink. And more. And some more.
13. bonus: I've picked up a Canadian-accent and I'm still alive! At least until I go back to Pennsylvania...
And lastly, here's a little love by the Plain White T's to start off your Tuesday. You're welcome.
Thanks coming on this little journey of retrospection with me, but it's time for me to go see what other shenanigans I can get myself into here in the lovely country of South Africa!
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