Happy New Year!!!

Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different.  And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.

I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.

Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!

It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.

When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.

'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'

-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]

I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides. 

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17

I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.

my extended African family

It's the Hands at Work USA Family Reunion weekend! It is the first time all of the USA advocates are getting together. Not everyone can make it unfortunately, but I'm excited. I've only met a handful of people in person. I've messaged a handful of others on Facebook. But today is the day. Today I am driving to the Pittsburgh Airport, after stopping at my brothers to drop off a few things, and flying to Chicago. I was planning on taking a shuttle by myself, but Sara called me yesterday with some news. I'm landing in Chicago at the right time. If all goes well, I will meet up with our founder, George, who is visiting from Africa and three other Americans and we will all take a hired van together. I am excited about this weekend. For everyone I will meet and for the stories we will share.

I am not looking forward to the last 30 minutes of my drive to the airport. I am praying it will be swift and stress free with no major hiccups. George says: "if you are comfortable in your life, then you are relying on yourself rather than on God..." WELL I will definitely be relying on God to get me through the morning rush hour on my way to the airport. yikes... prayers for safe travels for everyone traveling to and from the reunion this weekend are appreciated!

What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change

When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...

and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)

I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.

Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]


Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.

So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

August

 After last week's killer work schedule... [can I say 'overtime'?!] I came home Friday an hour early, because I was already in the dreaded territory of OT. I spent the evening attacking my closet and by the next morning my determination had set in. Saturday began with a shopping trip for new steel shelf, completely rearranging my closet, my room, moving a bookcase (while it was still full, no less - this is a bad choice, no matter how good it seems at the time), and four movies later... I have a new, fantastic, room spread! I spent the majority of Sunday recovering. Don't worry, of course I made time for disc golf!

I woke up to the crisp, chill of something that seems a lot like fall... While I am in no hurry to rush summer, I have to admit: I'm a little bit excited. I may or may not go out and splurge on some scented candles while my laundry is in the machines. I'm so excited for the promise of these next few months. While there are things in my life I'm not totally thrilled with, I'm pretty happy and mostly optimistic. And of course tonight is the night of nights: The Season Finale of the Bachelorette!!! I'm super excited to see what happens. I can't help it: I'm a sucker for love in the worst way. And I was reading a list of MSN Entertainment's "Who Should Be The Next Bachelor" and look at this gem: (yes I included the link and text: I don't want anyone to be too lazy to see this gem!)

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/who-should-be-the-next-bachelor/photo-gallery/feature/?photoidx=7

Who should be the next Bachelor?

James Wolk, "Mad Men" (AMC)
James Wolk plays extremely private office cipher Bob Benson on "Mad Men." Wolk, 28, seems delightfully low-maintenance: When discussing "Lone Star" (a FOX vehicle that ran for only two episodes), Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures. This is why they say to keep an eye on the quiet ones.

And again, the wisdom of James Wolk,  "Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures." I think I'm in love. With his advice at the very least!

So I'm very excited to watch the Bachelorette make whatever decision she makes, spend more time focused on my family and friends, and enjoying everything Western PA has to offer. For once in my life doing what makes me entirely happy and not sensoring it based on the opinions of another person. Because everyone still in my life will find happiness in my happiness without critiquing me. Everyone in my life can enjoy my joys in harmony, not damper them with conditions or their differing wants. We all love the same things, and that is a blessing.

And, it's the month of my birth! holla!

Just A Glimpse

Well kids, contrary to popular belief I have not fallen off the face of the earth. However, I have been a busy, busy bee. For the last month, I have been adjusting to my new responsibilities at work. The last few weeks I have managed to make it to the trail more often than not. I go before work a) because no one else is around and I enjoy the quiet time and b) because I'm much less likely to sunburn that early. I have also re-watched the entire Harry Potter series. I even watched the last four movies twice, because I can do what I want. Of course, now I have to reread them because you just can't cram all of those details into a 2+ hour movie. I have also been quilting. That's right: I watch Harry Potter while putting together patchworks. I'm 27 going on 77. But, as previously stated, I do what I want. My most recent finished project is my Bible cover, because I was tired of its dust cover looking much worse for wear. Here it is:

 front cover:

back cover:

I'd like to think it's very "me", whatever that entails. But I enjoy it, and I didn't have to buy a book cover that I wasn't crazy about, and I used fabric that was already lying around so it was a fun, easy project. I have a bunch of things I plan on making in the same theme, probably including something for my netbook and a purse. Also, I finally hemmed four pairs of pants that have been on my "to-do" list for...honestly, years [minus one pair of work pants that were a recent addition] what can I say? Short girl problems... I'm also getting ready to turn some of my dresses from my trip to Africa into skirts, that I'll hopefully get to wear in Africa again one day. And I'm going to get around to working on my chitenge. Busi gave me advice on sewing a string into the top to make it more secure. The chitenge will be the dark navy peacock print fabric, which I bought in the Kitwe Markets in Zambia. [And yes Dave, I still think that print is fabulous!]

Speaking of Africa, I also completed a 35 page scrapbook with photos, mementos, etc, from my two months there. And, contrary to popular belief, I am kind of creative sometimes. Ok maybe not creative persay, but I play with oil paints, which counts for some level of creativity, right? Anyway, I painted the scrapbook cover. I painted the Africa part around five years ago, and I got the idea for the rest in May.

Regardless of creativity, I had a blast painting and really like how it turned out. So there you have it: I read children's books, sew, scrapbook, and attempt to paint. Add cooking and baking to that list. Currently I have been testing out cookie recipes in order to decide what cookies I'm making for my best friend's wedding reception. Throw in a local Strawberry festival with my favorite dates: my two nephews!, celebrating my best friend's upcoming wedding with an afternoon of wine tasting and an evening cooking lesson with Miss Laurie, lots of catchup with my girlfriends and disc golf with good friends.

In a few weeks I'm giving a presentation on my Africa trip at my Church. It is mind-boggling to try and wrap my head around everything that I saw and experienced into one presentation, but figuring out how to do that is the next project on my agenda. I was reading through my first journal, but I need to go back and finish because, surprise surprise, I got distracted. It is hard to think about my mindset prior to my experiences in Africa compared to what it is now. In some ways, I haven't changed all that much, but in other ways I have changed dramatically. Night and day. I'm immensely thankful and grateful. I'm happy where I am at this moment, but there is always regret towards the past and apprehension when I think about the uncertainty of the future. When my best friend got engaged, I of course imaged where I would be in my life when we were celebrating her marriage, and where I am vs where I thought I would be couldn't be farther apart. The disappointment that goes along with that realization might be palatable, but the anger is my current stumbling block. It's all part of life though, and with some more time to enjoy life - by doing what I want when I want and living by my own rules, I'll sort my feelings out and be right as rain again. Being at home has been far from easy. I have ups and downs all the time. In all honesty, I'd rather be in Africa, but I have to admit that overall it's shaping up to be a pretty fun summer here at home. I'm trying to enjoy it while I can, because I have no idea what God has in store for my future!

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Look Stupid

I have no qualms about looking stupid, making myself look stupid even - repeatedly! But, I think the tides just maybe, just maybe are turning! :-)

Lesson #1

Lesson #1: Never laugh at a Nigerian who is trying to tell you something...

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.

Last Hours

I'm down to my last hours in Africa.

Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.

After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.

After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.

I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV] 

I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real. 

I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.

So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home. 

I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.

But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family. 

But first...

Acts 26

New International Version (NIV)

26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”

So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: ² “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, ³ and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.
⁴ “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. ⁵ They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. ⁶ And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. ⁷ This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. ⁸ Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
⁹ “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. ¹⁰ And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. ¹¹ Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
¹² “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. ¹³ About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. ¹⁴ We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,^[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
¹⁵ “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. ¹⁶ ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. ¹⁷ I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them ¹⁸ to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
¹⁹ “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. ²⁰ First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. ²¹ That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. ²² But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— ²³ that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
²⁴ At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
²⁵ “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. ²⁶ The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. ²⁷ King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
²⁸ Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
²⁹ Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
³⁰ The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. ³¹ After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
³² Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”

Without you I’m just miles away...

 

They were sitting
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day 

 

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time 

 

Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

mamihlapinatapai

Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It

Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me

Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.

Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.

I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post.  It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!

South Africa

I am back in South Africa!!!

It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!

It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...

'oh wells'

 A friend posted this quote on their facebook today. Given the haphazard turns my life has taken during my trip here, I thought it was appropriate:



"I would rather a crazy life filled with 'oh wells' than a sane one filled with 'what ifs'"



of course, since I'm the ignoramus making all these decisions, I certainly hope I would feel this way after the fact: that everything will be worthwhile in the end.

Life in Kitwe

okay so my update didn't come quite so soon...

Kitwe is amazing! I live in a guest house in a room by myself, but there are four other tenants who live there. The communities, care workers and children are absolutely amazing. I do have a functioning television. I do not have internet access, hence the lack of updates.

For the weekend I am back at Kachele with two of the guys from my intake. We went out in Luanshya today to do some shopping and go out for lunch. It was really fun. Aside from that we played with Tawonga most of the day. It was really good. I'm feeling slightly disjointed; it's odd knowing this will be the last weekend I'm here at the farm in Zambia. I have been in Africa so long. Well, it feels like I've been here so long, but in reality I've been here just six weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I will actually feel when I am on American soil again. It will be a major adjustment, leaving Africa and everyone I have met here, everything I have done here. It's definitely causing some conflicting emotions, but I know it will be alright. As Alicia, my roommate in South Africa, would say: "it will all shake out" and another one: "life's a kick in the pants" but really, I'm trying to focus on the "it will all shake out" sentiment.

I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the season God has brought me to, for however long it lasts. I am trying to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions in my life. Thankfully, God still used them to bring me to a better place. I have to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions and very nearly made a mockery of my own life, and that I don't know best. I don't know what is best, I don't make the best decisions and at this point I basically have to throw up my hands and wait for God to lead me. And I am not patient. I don't like being patient and I'm not good at it. Lynn says that is important. That we embrace the uncomfortable moments. That we allow them to be periods where God molds us for what is next. I will let it happen, but I won't enjoy it. Not intrinsically. I guess I'm a control freak. I would also hazard to guess that is part of the problem. I am so impatient. I am definitely a victim of the instant gratification society. I also realize the six of the last seven sentences, including this one, is all about me. That is also the problem. It's not about me. It shouldn't be about me. I am temporal and insignificant and my life is meaningless without the existence of something bigger. Something bigger as in God. And that is the point, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. Despite how much we say we love Jesus, and how we strive to be Christ-like, we are still such self-serving creatures.

I hope to return to Africa for a longer stay. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not sure what that would look like in my mind compared to what God might have planned. I realize if I come back to Africa it will have to be on God's terms and not on my preconceived terms. Even when we realize that God is going to use us, and are in favor of that and willing to pursue that, it is still a challenge to completely set aside the mindset of self. To completely sacrifice our selfish ideas and motives. I don't know if I can successfully do that, but I know it is something I must strive for. The test will be when I land, walk off the plane, after being taken out of my African support system and left to my own devices. It will be an adventure. Probably a disaster... but an adventure none the less...

Zambia

I am officially in Luanshya, Zambia at the Kachele farm and I will be here until Friday. Then I will head to Kitwe, and remain there for the next three weeks. I am super excited, but for now, that is all you get. I will update again, in more detail, soon, I promise!

moving!

oh hey blogworld!

just a quick note to let you all know that I'M GOING TO KITWE, ZAMBIA!!!

I will be booking my flights later today. I am either leaving tomorrow or Thursday, depending on how things shake out, and I will be staying there for just under a month. I'll be living (most likely) by myself, but in close proximity to a couple that is already there. To put it mildly, I am super stoked!

so that is all for now. I'll provide additional details once I know them, but it's going to be a blast!!!

Sweet Housemates

While I've been in South Africa, I've been living with Alicia from Canada. I must admit she's a pretty stellar individual and I'm stoked she is my roommate. We're definitely roommates for a reason, because she just seems to get me in a way that is honest yet non-judgmental. We spent yesterday morning discussing my plight as to whether or not I'm a complete headcase. Surprisingly, she agreed that my thought process was legitimate, and echoed the sentiments that I used to validate my intrinsic perception of myself as a headcase.

This process has felt really organic. I feel like I am a truer version of myself here. Of course, I feel like I notice undesirable characteristics in myself on a daily basis, which is a bit of a downer. I also feel like a complete basket case on a frequent basis. On the upside, Alicia and I started taking walks with Russell. We walked to the Farm today, which takes about an hour if you are walking at a decent pace. I got so sun burnt, but it really helped me decompress a bit so it was well worth it. After our afternoon session with Alicia (a different Alicia) and Tyler, we came back to the Village and Russell and I took a walk 'up stairs' and ended up coming back down to the trampoline in the field. We talked for two hours, poor guy... I unloaded on him, but he was so patient and handled it like a champ. I think it's magnified by living in community, which is good and bad. I love living in such a close community with everyone here, but if you ever have an 'off' day, it just makes it seem that much worse. I'm blessed to have people that are so gracious and willing to listen to my vent.

Then it was dinner with Tommy and Morgan, and movie night! We watched 'Jurassic Park'
Tomorrow we have an early morning with Bentley, and the Hands at Work Amazing Race in the afternoon. It should be a good weekend!

Broken Record

It's been another intense day in Africa. I'm not sure exactly how to convey my thoughts most effectively, but I'll give it a go anyway...

The last month has definitely been trial by fire, and I am feeling the heat. I can't begin to express how awesome my experience has been thus far, but it's also been kind of rough. I mentioned in my last post about how I hate filtering myself. That is very true, but ironically, I also hate incessantly harping on the same topic, especially if it is ultimately inconsequential. This brings me to the demise of my relationship. Quite frankly there are things about the situation that thoroughly piss me off - and that is putting it nicely. But I don't want to keep talking about it. I don't want to be that girl. It's done and it's over. If anything, I just have this remaining excess emotional energy that I need to vent off. Like aftershocks following a massive earthquake. But I don't want to seem like I'm obsessing over the relationship, because truthfully I'm not. I guess I'm just full of hot air, so to speak, for better or worse. This is compounded by being questioned by people, some of whom present questions more gracefully than others.

I am lucky that my housemates, for lack of a better word, have been so gracious. Amazingly so. I went on a walk outside the compound with Alicia and Russell today. It was really nice to just do something out of the ordinary. It was actually the first time I've been outside on foot. Anyway, Alicia has been really amazing throughout the whole ordeal. She's always asking if I'm okay, how I'm processing the situation. Today was more of the same. She asked how I've been handling it, if I feel like I've been able to handle it while dealing with everything else we see here in community. Ironically, she says that she feels like I don't talk about it that much. That was mildly flabbergasting because I feel like I've talked about it far too much. Like I'm a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same line. I feel like I have so much pent up energy, and the emotions are all confined to my head, so perhaps I just perceive the topic as being much more pervasive than it actually is. I think that makes sense and would be a rational explanation.

I think the other thing I've been dealing with is the fact that living in community highlights areas where my character is struggling. Again, I don't know if these issues are perceived by my housemates, but I notice. I will respond to a certain situation a certain way, only to realize after the fact that I'm a terrible person. Saying I'm a terrible person might be slightly melodramatic, but there are examples where I just see flaws in my character. It's really frustrating, but it's also exciting. For the most part, I'm guessing my housemates don't notice in the first place or, even if they do, don't dwell on the incident. Just little things mostly. It's encouraging because I am a Christian, and I truly felt convicted that I was not meant to continue the relationship with my boyfriend. I felt convicted that that was something I needed to release to God, and trust in His plan for me - even though I have no idea where that will lead me next. The relationship had become an idol in my heart, so now that I have relinquished that to God, I am noticing these situations that highlight my character flaws. I always initially take it as a punch to the gut, like 'oh, I can't believe I responded that way. I feel like a terrible person", etc, but once I think through it, I always feel convicted that it is merely a lesson I am meant to learn. I have been removed from all of my normal, familiar parameters so it is the perfect time for God to mold me into whatever He wants me to be. Or at least a great circumstance to jump start the process. I truly believe that is what God is doing in my life. It's encouraging, yet it's exhausting. I feel like it's something new everyday. Trial by fire. As draining as it can be, I'm also really excited to see what God has in store for me next. I've let go of so many things since being here, at some point I will see the fruit of my labor.

At this point, I am really tired and I just hope this makes sense to some degree. Rooms is watching 'The Princess and The Frog' again so that is my cue to pass out. Good night world wide web!