Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It

Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me

Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.

Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.

I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post.  It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!

Success!

This post is late, but on Monday Alicia, Mariah and myself successfully got our cartilage pierced at the local pharmacy here in White River! Excellent!

ps - I totally want to go back and get a second piercing after we have our community stays this weekend!

First Comes Love...

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:12

so it's the SEASON FINALE of the Bachelorette!!! but in the meantime...

It was a big weekend for me too! So my friend is driving me crazy with her wedding planning. If I have a wedding, it is going to be as simple as possible. However, this is really moot point because anytime I think about having a wedding (the ceremony, the details, the attention...) I just have a mental moment. Nevertheless, my boyfriend's friend from college got married Friday. I was in a horrible mental state, but I had promised to go, so go I did - despite my current negative emotions surrounding weddings. I was a little apprehensive knowing that I'd be meeting (almost) all of my boyfriend's college friends - at once! I think I met somewhere around 16 people he went to college with. Pressure! But everyone was so amazing and gracious and fun - and thrilled that my boyfriend and I are dating! Unfortunately, we had to leave the wedding early so I could get back because I had work Saturday morning. I wish I could have stayed longer and spent more time with everyone!

Work dragged a bit Saturday. There was relief after meeting everyone at the wedding, and excitement because I was going to meet my good friend Adrienne for the Pirates game that evening. But first I had to navigate Pittsburgh and find her church. That part was easy. The game was fun. Buccos won! But it was fireworks night and no one told me... I just don't get into fireworks. The night was a good time nonetheless. That is, until it was time to go home. Adrienne and I decided it would be better for me to crash at her place than driving the whole way home with game traffic. Good in theory... But game traffic was just as bad there, and I had no idea where I was going! I somehow managed to follow Adrienne and get back to her apartment - despite not being able to see her the whole time, and almost getting into a bad accident! I was so keyed up, so I could not go to sleep. We ended up staying up and talking for a few hours, and of course facebook stalking my boyfriend's friends so she could see them all (lol!)

When I left this morning, again I had no idea where I was going. I somehow managed to get back to the North Side, where I have some sense of direction,, and eventually made it to 28. I took a detour to meet my boyfriend and one of his college roommates for breakfast. It was great to get to spend more time with his friend who lives in Washington DC and doesn't come into town very often, and it was nice to take a breather after all of the hectic driving around Pittsburgh! Pretty soon he had to leave, so my boyfriend and I got to spend some time alone - talking about everyone I met, the wedding and things that happened, in addition to just unwinding in general.

Reflecting on the weekend: I really don't like the idea of weddings. I do not want to spend an excess amount of money on one day. I don't really want to have that much attention on me to be honest. I would much rather have a small reception, maybe even elopement, and then have a party with family and a party with friends to spend more intimate time celebrating with the people who are most important to us. With that said, Matt and Mandy definitely were not afraid of the attention on their wedding day. Without even knowing either of them, you can tell that they really strive to live lives that bring glory to God. It seems that 90% of the weddings I've been to use 1 Corinthians 13, aka "the love chapter" but I was especially encouraged because that was not one of the scriptures referenced for their wedding. Instead they chose passsages from Colossians and Ephesians:


"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

-Colossians 3:12-19 [NIV]

^"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." -Ephesians 5:22-33 [NIV]

I love how the passages they chose complement each other! I love how they are an instruction for a genuine loving relationship that glorifies God - because without God, there is no love. Everyone makes different choices in life and goes down different paths. I have watched friends make decisions that I would hopefully not make. I listen to friends who do not change their behavior but complain about their partner's behavior over and over again. It was so encouraging to hear the Reverend's perspective on love and marriage according to God and not the world. I don't know if I'm jaded or too much of a realist, but I don't think I have any outlandish expectations of romance. I see marriage mostly, as a choice: a commitment to stand by that person regardless of the situation. Gestures that convey your commitment and affection to your partner are meaningful and important. Those gestures can certainly create romance, but romance without that commitment means nothing. I could expand on this further, but that will be another post. ;-)

Belated Birthday

“Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.” –Marsha Petrie Sue

After such a crummy week, I got to spend the day getting a little TLC and girl time with my best friend. Her sweet boyfriend even put up with me in my semi-bummed state, and paid for all of our desserts. We went to Bravo! in Pittsburgh. I got chocolate lava cake with vanilla-bean gelati topped with chocolate sauce! Yum! It wasn't the perfect chocolate cake of my dream... but it was definitely a worthy runner-up!

Now I begin another crazy work week. Chinese leftovers for lunch today - yes!!! And going to the track to run off said leftovers after work - double yes!!! I'm scheduled all six days this week, and I've scheduled myself four runs. Just short, 3 mile stints. More to unwind after work, and mental health, than anything else. I will not be hitting any new PRs this week. I'm crazy enough to work a full day, including at least one more 10hr shift, and then go to the track. My runs this week are just about getting to the track and slow, enjoyable runs.

Also, *gasp* I'm going to be cutting out some computer time. What? Yes, it's true. The more time I need to spend on my computer at work (which is...well, quite a lot) the less I want to stare at this screen when I get home. But no worries, I will still make time for my blog. Aside from my running plans, I'm still feeling quite deflated. I'm hoping to perk up a bit with a lovely fall candle scent (orange and cinnamon), lots of movies and even some "reality" television. So bad, but so good. Definitely my guilty pleasure. And I have no qualms admitting that. While I realize these shows are #1 not reality and #2 just pathetic, I also realize that the people in my life who are most prone to criticizing these programs are also those who watch lewd humor that I don't find enjoyable. I do want to limit television for the record, but as I pointed out to my guy friend, for the time being these shows are comfort food in the form of television. So here's to watching bad "reality" television while knocking off another to do list or two. And finding a new home for George. (more on that later) Because otherwise I'm going to bust out the Christmas tree. And it's not even September just yet...

Lastly, my pastor announced he is leaving our church. He has been here for 18 years. It will be at best a challenging transition, and will definitely require a lot of change, soul searching, pruning, and growing.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." -Hebrews 12:1

"The medicine of life is to have true faithful friends."

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.

"Pooh!" he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.

"I just wanted to be sure of you."



This week was the pits. Just crummy all around. Luckily, my best friend came home to escape Hurricane Irene. She didn't actually know how bummed I had felt this week. An hour on the phone, two movies, birthday cake and Chinese takeout later... I'm feeling somewhat back to myself. And since last week was my birthday, we are going out tonight to celebrate. And get this amazing chocolate cake. I'll definitely write about that, OR I will write about how they convinced me to go to a different restaurant. If that happens, we'll see. At any rate, I am so happy for good friends who are there to help you through tough times.


"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." -Bernard Meltzer

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." -Albert Schweitzer

True Story...

...I think I'm in love...



Kim and I got our pictures with Ryan!!!
And then she lost her camera...

That happens a lot.
For instance, this ...uh... gem is from my 22nd birthday.
Which none of us saw for a full two years later. Kim found it when she was getting ready to move to Philadelphia.

Attractive, no?

And yes, my friend is passed out. And yes, I am leaning her against the building in the alley.
Sometimes we forgive Kim for losing her camera...

Girls Night

So we finally ventured into Pittsburgh last night. Chels made it her personal mission to acquire Jekyll & Hyde tickets once she knew the show would be in town again. I have to admit to score is one of my favorites - so no complaints from me!

The great thing about Pennsylvania is PennDOT. They're always around (you know, like in front of my house for the past two months) and they're always tearing something apart. Yesterday's excursion did NOT disappoint. I don't know exactly when the magic happened, but it was early. TomTom was rogue from the beginning. Took us into Pittsburgh a way that owner of the TomTom didn't know. That was the way I normally go though, so that was cool. Things were good until we were ready to get off the bridge to go to Station Square for dinner. Then TomTom made the evening that much more memorable. When one doesn't update their GPS system, they do funny things. Like suggest illegal and/or impossible turns that end up putting us into the W. Liberty Ave tunnels and cause us to lose signal. Awesome! And we eventually found the hill of death, which really looked harmless. Until we were trying to drive down it, in all of it's cobblestone glory. It would be great for sled riding, aside from the fact that you wouldn't be able to stop and would continue to go over the even steeper part of the hill. And that just seems hazardous. We eventually survived the hill and eventually got turned around. Some other hi-jinx ensued, but we eventually made it to the parking garage.

Then the four of us found dinner. Some seafood restaurant that serves the good stuff. Everything is fresh. Except for the tilapia, according to our server Rick. He was a smooth, charming yet smarmy sort of individual. The server you can tell is well seasoned and knows how to flirt his way to good tips from the upper class clientele. He seemed nice enough and provided good insight about the dishes, as any good server would, so I didn't mind him. One of the younger girls, Becca, on this adventure was 20 and had just had her wisdom teeth removed last week. She seemed to be a little disturbed by Rick, insisting he was weird, and was also endearingly confused by the menu. There was a close call - she almost ordered the tuna, which would have been raw and she hasn't yet tried sushi. We'll remedy that another time though... Rick brings us warm bread to munch on while our meals are being prepared. And the Becca-isms begin. They got really good when our meals were brought out though. Having had her wisdom teeth removed, she hasn't been eating a lot of foods, other than fruit and fish. She became very self conscious of how she looked while chewing, and proceeding to cover the bottom half of her face with her napkin. Young friends at a fancy restaurant? Priceless! [Incidentally, Becca was also present at our last fancy restaurant endeavor, though Mike took the cake at that meal. A walk down memory lane ensued.]

We wandered Pittsburgh for a bit, since Chels wanted to find snacks. We eventually met up with the other group of three and made our way to the Benedum. Chels has seen Jekyll & Hyde before; I've been in love with the score ever since my older brother saw it on Broadway in 2000 (or 1999?). Everyone else was going in blind.

Kevin Gray as Henry Jekyll/Edward Hyde

I sat in the middle. The married/committed ladies on my left. The single ladies to my right. Naturally the single ladies were examining all of the artist shots to see which guy was the most attractive. One of the young ones through out the comment that Kevin Gray wasn't black. Not really sure where that came from, but I'd imagine it has something to do with the fact that we all went to the same high school. I remember how Othello was shoved down our throats, so if they still do that, the black actor comment would kind of make sense, but not really. ... Anway, so since Gray wasn't black, they were trying to decide what he did look like and apparently some sort of Indian (Native American Indian) fit the bill, another Becca-ism. This Indian talk reminded me that Luke never told me my Indian (Blackfoot) name. That was a fail. All I got was "your name is in the air around you, you just have to listen." Chels tried telling him that she thought I was supposed to "paint with all the colors of the wind", but he didn't get the reference. He also didn't seem to think that, if I was able to listen to the wind, that it might have more important things to tell me, other than my Blackfoot name. Men...

Back to the musical! As I said I had never seen it before, I've only memorized the music. :-P I genuinely enjoyed seeing the characters come to life and putting pieces together that can't be communicated solely through the songs. Though the music was barely faster than the popular recordings of Jekyll and Hyde from the Broadway productions. Just fast enough to seem rushed. And the acoustics were slightly awkward. Combined with some feedback from the sound system, I imagine it would have been hard to watch the musical if that was my first introduction to the show. There are a few songs that three characters have simultaneous lyrics. I knew the songs, so I knew what they were singing. But if I didn't know what they were saying, I would have had no idea what they were singing about. I sound like a theater critic, I know! I swear the show was good though!!! Besides, we only saw the second night! Early run kinks are acceptable.

We made it back to the car, where Chels realized just how close she had parked to the lovely support pole... her mirror made it out unscathed though. :-) TomTom still didn't want to work, so again, we were wandering without any sense of direction. No worries though, Becca was preparing to navigate home by reading the stars. That girl comes in very handy! When TomTom decided to work, it still wasn't really working because it was telling us to make more illegal/impossible turns. Minor details though right?

The night had been going so well. Naturally that didn't last. More second hand stress. Which was mostly frustrating/disappointing because the behavior was so out of character and not thought through. It's one of those situations that you can only watch, like a bad accident. You don't know what "rock bottom" would imply in the situation, but you have a feeling your friend is going to find out. At the end of the day you can simply offer advice. But you can't tell other people how to live their lives...