Life Update: Sweet Summertime

I'm sitting at my dinner table in my nice, quiet apartment looking out second-story my window. Life is definitely not too shabby these days.

Since my last entry, I came home from Zambia (obviously), went back to work, went to San Francisco, went back to work and things have been pretty normal ever since. By normal, I mean busy of course. It's hard to believe that in the next few months I'll be getting ready to go back to South Africa and, wait for it, Swaziland!!! I'm super excited.

Also, it's summer. It's currently hot and super gorgeous. Life is full of possibilities. I'm getting more and more excited for next weekend. I actually have plans. My own plans with my own new friends. I'm super excited. I'll definitely tell more about it soon. It involves a potential new romantic relationship. It feels like it's time. It's been over three years since my last serious boyfriend, though I've dated a bit, I think I'm really ready and this might be the one God had planned for me all along. I guess we'll all have to stay tuned to find out, but it's going to be an eventful summer either way!

The Great Staycation of 2014

This post was written January 18th, the beginning of the staycation. after spending a week in the snow, and the chicken coop, I'm just now sitting down to publish it:


What a year it has been! 2013 was full of twists and turns. It ended with some serious revelations that led to 2014 starting off with a big bang! December 29th I was home with a case of pink eye, debating my fate. January 5th I was attending a new (to me) church for the first time and on January 12th I was telling my former Pastor that I had found a new home. January 13th I officially resigned from my responsibilities as a church deacon.

Then, to be frank, all hell broke loose. I hadn't discussed the individual details of my decision with my pastor. #1 I didn't think she'd really understand and #2 at that point it didn't matter. God had called me elsewhere, so I was going elsewhere. But unbeknownst to me, my father was telling the board of elders exactly why I was leaving and leaving no holds barred. It was a difficult discussion I am sure. I was grateful that my father would support me, but I had mixed feelings about how he approached the elders. I hadn't wanted to start drama and I did not relish the idea of being at the center of such a conflict. I cried many, many tears. It broke my heart, but ultimately I felt bad for how things came to light. I did not regret that they knew the truth and did not apologize for my beliefs. Today, January 18th, I met with my pastor one more time to clear the air.

Now here I sit, alone in a house. Just me, myself, and I. And three cats. It is a quiet house outside of town. I do not have access to the internet and only recently figured out how to work their television.  Finding a new church home has been amazing, but leaving my last church home has been exhausting. These last few weeks have been very difficult, so it's fitting that I was already scheduled to house sit for this family. I'm sitting here with a cup of hot tea, snuggled under blankets and with a cat purring on my lap. No internet, no television, no distraction. God's timing is amazing! I already feel myself becoming more calm, my energy slowly being renewed.

Another example of God's impeccable timing is this: my father confronted the elders about my decision on the evening of January 13th. The watchword for 2014 was released (via facebook) the morning of January 14th (EST.) I was originally scheduled off that day, but as soon as Ashley and I had a chance to talk to each other about the watchword and how perfect it was, I was called in to work for my manager who was feeling ill. That meant that instead of sitting at home alone all day, agonizing over everything that happened the night before, I went in to work and kept busy all day, and mostly kept my mind from wandering to the topic of church! God is so good!

I have thought about the possibility of leaving my home church for years. I knew it would happen one day, and I knew that when it happened I would go out with a bang. I wasn't prepared for the inner struggle that it would cause, nor did I realize just how big of a bang I would cause... Thankfully God has placed amazing people in my life who were able to give me appropriate counsel. Who patiently listened to my heart, even when some of them weren't sure why I was so bothered in the first place. The mistakes of my home church were extensive, but, red flags or not, I ached. Before I made the decision, I read article after article, and listened to sound bytes of the most respected ministers of the day discussing the subject of when, why and how to leave a church. I listened to videos of George, because I thought if I could just hear his voice that something would resonate within me. One of Lynn's talks kept coming to mind, and in my moment of doubt Ashley reminded me of his words again. I was at my lowest low. I knew I was doing the right thing - and I knew that this was the part of my journey where God would have to carry me until I found my feet again.

I have come so far this week. I feel at such peace at this moment in my journey. The last year is hard for me to imagine. I have traveled millions of theoretical miles. I'm not sure I even remember the girl that boarded that plane to Africa - I've changed so much since then. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this year! I have already found a new church that is awesome. I feel like I am in exactly the right place, and it is as close to being in Africa as I will get until I am back in Africa! the kingdom culture is all there, and the community is awesome. I am loving having a group of people my age to hangout with. Last Sunday we all got together for pizza and a movie, it was so nice! God is doing exciting things with my life, and I am willing! I am so blessed!



Now back to the present...

Here I sit. This time in my own room with my own cat.  The past week, in the snow and the coop, has been good, but tiring. We got more snow today, so it was a quiet day at work. I came home, feeling a little out of sorts. My home church already cancelled services for tomorrow because of the snow. As far as I know, my church is still meeting. I hope so. I always feel better and encouraged when I am worshiping with the members there. They really have been so kind and thoughtful, giving me encouragement these past few weeks. I've shed more tears. My heart is pulled in two directions. I know which way I'm going to go, but it still makes me sad. I have to choose to move forward every day, even if it's just one step. One day I'll look back and clearly see God's plan at this point in my life. I will see how far I have come, even when I felt like I was moving at a snails pace. One day it will be revealed for His glory. Until then I take things one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I can't see the blueprint, but I know the project is worthy!

Happy New Year!!!

Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different.  And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.

I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.

Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!

It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.

When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.

'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'

-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]

I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides. 

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17

I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. 2011 ended with a bang, but it was the bad kind. 2012 consisted of me learning how to recover. Looking back, I've been through lots of phases. High school was a blast, and senior year was like a dream. Freshman year of college was an extension of the dream. 2006 ended on a (pathetically) low note, 2007 continued to be more of the same. Recovery and getting by. In early 2009, I made a radical diet lifestyle change. In late 2009, I signed up for and began training for my first half marathon. 2010 was a banner year. And things were good, until 2011 ended with that awful, terrible bang. In a situation that should be in the plot of a lifetime movie, not very real part of my life, I ended a friendship. A friendship that, albeit having toxic undertones, lasted for the better part of 13 years. In the last week it occurred to me: that might be something I will never, truly get over. I can push through it and move on, but can I ever truly forget? Despite all its uneasiness, all the lumps and bumps in the road, 2012 was a generally good year. But don't get me wrong, I am glad it's over.

So here I am: January 6th, 2013. Tomorrow is Russian Orthodox Christmas. The holidays are officially coming to an end and the new year is officially in full swing. Complete with the hustle and bustle of gift returns, budget induced mental breakdowns, and extravagant new years resolutions.

I must confess my own emotional distress over unresolved questions surrounding my Africa trip. I have felt panicked, and preoccupied by worried anticipation. The feeling in your stomach that I lovingly refer to as 'vomtastic.' As Anne Shirley said: "The worst would be more endurable than not knowing at all." But what will be, will be and I just have to have faith that there is a bigger plan.

Of course, I have resolutions. Moreover, I love resolutions. Resolutions are the ultimate to-do list in my mind. I mentioned completing my end of year clean-out, so for the most part, I have nothing left to purge. Nothing left that does not or could not enhance my life. I want to save money. I want to follow a budget. I want to stop putting money, energy, and expectations into things. I want to enjoy what I already have, not chase after things I don't have and don't really need in the first place. I want to actively, purposely tithe what I have been given back to God, both financially and with my time and energy. I want to lose weight. This one is two-fold. I want to be healthy. I don't need to be super skinny, I want to feel powerful. Being able to run without having to take my rescue-inhaler would be nice, too. I want to use my body to glorify God. I don't want it to hold me back, and I don't want to throw away my health. I see my older relatives suffering from diabetes, fibromyalgia, back pain, and being oxygen dependent. These symptoms are perhaps not all directly related to obesity, but are certainly not helped by excess body weight. I also want to control my sweet tooth. Yes, this relates back to the being healthy segment of losing weight, but, for me, it also translates to my second motive: when the going gets rough, I get to the kitchen. Yes, I'm a sometimes-stress-eater. When my sweet tooth is in check, I can pass on stress eating. But recently, when work and life and stress collide, I make a beeline for the sweets. I'd really like to find my refuge in God, and not in sweet snacks. Watch this video, maybe  it will make you think, maybe it won't, but here it is anyway:



 I want to make time for daily devotions. I hope this will help keep my mindset more even and keep everything in perspective - food cravings and otherwise. I also want to blog more, about what I'm learning in my devotions. I want to be less connected. I want to spend less time on the internet. That's not to say that I'm going to opt out of my facebook account, or that I'm going to stop blogging. I just want to stop wasting mindless time on social media. I'm not sure there is a reason to spend purposeful time on facebook... but I want to spend more purposeful time blogging. I'm re-motivated to continue 'cell-free Sundays' but this year I'm calling them 'signed-off Sundays.' My goal is to devote Sunday afternoons to quiet devotions with out my cellphone, facebook, or television in the background. So that's it, those are my new years resolutions. Somehow, I think purging unnecessary possessions from my life was the easy part, but I hope purging unnecessary habits will be more rewarding.

I already mentioned the frantic flurry of new years resolutions. The weight-loss ads, the dating-site ads...all the ads the media bombards us with...  As I was driving to my boyfriend's house yesterday, a woman on the radio was talking about how she feels new years resolutions are useless, and we are all setting ourselves up for failure.I don't know about that, but I know most of the resolution themed ads seem to go about things all the wrong way. I would like to think that my resolutions are centered around my relationship with Christ, and everything will fall into place accordingly. I'd like to think my resolutions are purposefully determined with the right motives. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't. Today is Epiphany on the Christian calendar, where we remember the wise men and their journey to find Jesus. It hit me how the majority of resolutions are all wrong in every way: formation, perspective, and execution. I think of the wise men and their devotion to this single goal of finding Jesus, regardless or in spite of how long it took to get there. They followed a star, that may not have always been easy to discern. They brought gifts for a royal king, who it turns out was just a small child. I wonder if their meeting with Jesus was what they anticipated, or if they were caught off guard by what they found. If we all had just a pinch of that purposeful devotion, how different would our world be?

Today in Church, I was greatly impressed by the prayer of confession:
God of sovereigns and commoners, we confess that we are often more impressed with famous people than we are with your amazing glory. The rules of this earth are more real to us than the One who reigns over time and eternity. Your priorities are not foremost in our lives. We reach for power and popularity more than for justice for the poor. We are more focused on prosperity than on relief for the oppressed. Our pursuits do not satisfy; save us from their fragmenting grip in our lives. Cause a new epiphany among us, we pray. Amen.

How true! How many news headlines are centered around Kim Kardashian (she's having a baby - did you hear?), or Will and Kate? How many Kardashian reality tv shows can there be at one time? When did TMZ become a reputable news source? With all that nonsense, it's no wonder that the rules of the earth overpower the rules of God. Power and popularity do so often come first over justice, and how many people would rather donate money to a cause than actually leave their own comfort zone? No, these pursuits do not satisfy - would our country, with our materialism, debt, and obesity, be such a mess if they did? We are called to be beacon's of hope. Forget about society says for one minute and remember what God says:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. -Micah 6: 8 [NIV]

And because the ultimate reasoning behind new years resolutions is to improve our lives in someway and make us happier. Here is what my Bible translation has to say about happiness:

Hallelujah!
My soul, praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not trust in nobles,
in man, who cannot save.

When his breath leaves him,
he returns to the ground;
on that day his plans die.

Happy is the one whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea and everything in them.
He remains faithful forever, 

executing justice for the exploited
and giving food to the hungry.
The Lord frees prisoners.

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord raises up those who are oppressed.
The Lord loves the righteous.  

The Lord protects foreigners
and helps the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever;
Zion, your God reigns for all generations.
Hallelujah!

-Psalm 146 [HCSB] 

Wishing you all best of luck with your resolutions, whatever they may be, and hoping you all find true happiness for the right reasons!

Your Weight Loss Resolution?

 A wake up call to motivate you to lose those extra lbs:


http://dailynightly.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/03/11007637-the-surprising-new-face-of-obesity

Time

...and time goes by so slowly

and time can do so much...

[I am a Mississippi girl. My grandmother grew up with Elvis Presley.
I grew up spending my summers in Tupelo and hearing old stories.
So in honor of his 77th birthday tomorrow, Happy Birthday Elvis!!!]

"Time is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love, time is eternity."

-Henry Van Dyke

Is it just me, or has this week felt like an eternity? My calendar tells me it is only January 7th, but that just can't be right. It feels like New Years Eve was months ago.


I've been taking care of myself. I mean really taking care of myself.
Drinking only unsweetened beverages. [This really made a noticeable difference, especially the first few days after cutting sugar out.] I've been eating my fruits and veggies. Religiously. Every. Day. Flossing, brushing, and using mouth wash. And sleeping - like a champion. Minimizing sugar while eating healthy = amazing sleep. Seriously. So far, it has even been keeping the runners insomnia away - because I'm also back on my running schedule. Love the trail!


All of these changes have been great. It really hit me a few days ago. I woke up feeling perfectly healthy. I've even been trying to cut out drama. Read: rethinking who my true friends are and devoting my energy to those individuals. People who lift me up and bring out the best in me. Not people who bring unnecessary drama in my life. Work provides more than enough drama.

But here's the thing about drama. You get so used to it, you miss it when it's gone. I've had someone in my life for the past 13 years. They are addicted to drama. While I didn't like it, I had become accustomed to the buzz around the drama. The constant background noise. Now, my life is generally silent. I go to work, take care of myself, talk to a few friends every day and spend a lot of time my true loves, the cats. But it's all so quiet and still. I miss the person, but I do not miss their drama. I know if they were going to change, it would have happened by now. I do miss the background noise, if only because I'm so accustomed to it's presence.


Life seems to be slowing down. Odd, considering how busy and scheduled my time is. I had a "down" day a few days ago. Remembering and thinking of the 'what ifs'. I just have to focus on doing what is right for me, while learning to love the silence, and to love what is good for me.

"True friendship is a plant of slow growth,

and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity,

before it is entitled to the appellation."

-George Washington

Baby Steps!

So on a more positive note, I was looking back through my weight journal.

[Explanation: I was MUCH healthier in high school and the beginning of college. During a relationship, and after the breakup that followed, I gained weight. A fairly significant amount of weight, especially considering my height and build. Despite completing two half marathons, I still feel like an unhealthier version of my former self. I have a spiral bound notebook that I track weight, measurements, and BMI. My reason for tracking measurements is focused around waist circumference and it's relationship with other health conditions. I am not chasing an unrealistic, Hollywood ideal. I am chasing a healthier version of myself that I know is realistic because I have achieved it in the past. A version of myself that includes lower body weight, but also reduced need for my emergency inhaler, more energy, and better self image.]

So I have been trying to make healthier decisions and I have a goal weight. [Calculated Ideal Body Weight + 10%, which is considered in the medical community to be the actual appropriate IBW for females.] Being that I went almost two months without running at all this summer, I'm nowhere near where I hope to be. But, thanks to jotting down numbers in my journal, I was flipping back and I realized that since May I have lost 10lbs and 1.5" off of my waist! Not too shabby! It is a beginning...