2018

2017 was a whirlwind. A literal whirlwind in every sense of the word.

I ended 2016 and rang in 2017 with my love.
We got engaged. Three days later, my grandmother died.
My relationships with my extended family changed - not my choice.

I left my job of 10 years.
I left my home state.
I moved to a place where I knew few.

We got married and moved in together.
We went on a two week vacation together.

I submitted resumes and applications.
I interviewed for a new job, which I was offered and accepted.



2017 was wonderful and horrible.
I'm thankful for my new husband and my new town.
I'm grieving the loss of my grandmother and the family bonds that are gone.
I'm missing my friends and deep connection.
I miss knowing and being known.

And sometimes you make great decisions that turn out to be terrible decisions.
Not related to my marriage or my move or my job.
But still, terrible decisions that make you doubt.

Doubt your worth.
Doubt your thoughts.
Doubt your perceived value to others.

I pray God will help me be steadfast this year as I face trials and grow.

The Meaning of True Love

I've spent the last two weekends with my boyfriend. We went camping with his friends over the fourth, then had a day away to ourselves this past weekend. I was talking to him last night. He's too observant, because I'm trying to be reserved, minimize my feelings and take things slow. He teases me because he says I can't hide my feelings when I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I try desperately to ignore my feelings. To hide them.

Because I've been in uncomfortable relationships when guys couldn't read my emotions.
Or worse, didn't even bother to try.

Because I didn't want to be a burden. Their emotional unavailability made me feel like I was a burden to them. So I ignored them and shut up.

Admitting my emotions and being emotionally vulnerable scares me. Because I've been let down in the past. Because I've been made to feel like a burden. But through God's grace, I've met a godly man who has a heart for Africa, patience, and is amazingly good at reading my body-language.

It's scary, but I guess I have to face those fears. I'm happy to do it with the man who just might be God's best for me, who loves me as a reflection of Christ's love for the church. Who cares for me tenderly through tenderhearted affection and also edifying rebuke. That just might be true love.

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

- 2 Timothy 1:7 [ESV]

Life Update: Sweet Summertime

I'm sitting at my dinner table in my nice, quiet apartment looking out second-story my window. Life is definitely not too shabby these days.

Since my last entry, I came home from Zambia (obviously), went back to work, went to San Francisco, went back to work and things have been pretty normal ever since. By normal, I mean busy of course. It's hard to believe that in the next few months I'll be getting ready to go back to South Africa and, wait for it, Swaziland!!! I'm super excited.

Also, it's summer. It's currently hot and super gorgeous. Life is full of possibilities. I'm getting more and more excited for next weekend. I actually have plans. My own plans with my own new friends. I'm super excited. I'll definitely tell more about it soon. It involves a potential new romantic relationship. It feels like it's time. It's been over three years since my last serious boyfriend, though I've dated a bit, I think I'm really ready and this might be the one God had planned for me all along. I guess we'll all have to stay tuned to find out, but it's going to be an eventful summer either way!

A Sweet Summer

Oh hey!

Funny how time flies when you're busy living life!
Thanks for still reading, let me see what I've been up to...

Since my last post, (in January! ...yikes) I have traveled to NYC in February, kept busy with work, traveled to South Africa in May, kept busy with work...and next week I will travel to Zambia.

I love my life!

Some of you will remember my love-hate relationship with my television and my aversion to physical possessions and clutter. Really any physical thing I do not use on a regular basis.

In May, being back in Africa, I was just reminded of what life is like there. Certain things never change. Things only change in America because we let them; sometimes we even encourage them. I don't want to be like that. I want to live a consistent life wherever I am. When I was in South Africa, I mentioned the possibility of getting rid of my television. Why? Because whether I watch educational or trashy programs, it doesn't matter: it's still distracting me from real relationships. Thank God, I work with people who do not watch television regularly, some don't even own TVs! I work at a company that employs about 20 people. I work closely with eight of them. Of those eight, only one watches television on a regular basis. Last Thursday, I watched a program and I realized I knew what was going to happen, because I had already watched it multiple times. And, even with all of the good things on television, I somehow end up always defaulting to the Kardashians, the Total Divas, and the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, etc etc etc. Things I do not want to be, emulate, or understand. But have you ever paid attention to how often those shows are aired? How's a girl who spent college with Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The Girls Next Door supposed to resist that? It's pathetic yes, but somehow that is also part of the appeal. There is no plot, each episode essentially stands alone. It's too easy. So the next day at work, I casually mentioned that I was thinking about finally breaking up with my television. Naturally, the three most anti-television coworkers wasted no time offering encouragement and telling me everything I would get out of not watching television. (More productivity, etc.)

That night, I unplugged my television and dvd player and took off all of the cables. I put everything in a box. (With my extreme aversion to clutter, I always have a sturdy box around, just in case.) It was around 10pm at this point. I texted my coworker, because he is not  only anti-television, but he is a night owl and I knew he would still be awake. I said that I was 95% sure I was going to get rid of it, but I needed a final push to get to the point of no return. He was, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. The very next morning, I dropped the box off at Goodwill before work. I had anxiety the night before, but had peace that morning. I knew I was making the right choice! Since then, I didn't have a television or a DVD player so I've sold nearly all of my DVDs. (I donated some family-friendly books and DVDs to my church library.) As long as I've lived in this house, there has been a huge Victorian-era crib in my bedroom. I tried to move it once but I couldn't get it to come apart in order to get it out of the house. This Thursday, I thought I would try again. As I moved it, I lifted a section unintentionally. When I did that, the pieces all came apart! So I got that out of the way, and was able to clean the area. I had a stand-alone shelving unit crammed into my closet, which I moved to that corner (along with everything it was storing) and I moved all of my luggage to my closet. Long story short: in a mere 7 days, my room completely transformed! And so did my perspective, and stress level!

I still have too much stuff, but this will definitely be a defining moment. I have no desire to shop, because I can see almost everything I have. If I can't see it, it's because it's in a box - but I know what is in each box. I have a box for extra hygiene and toiletries. I have a box of projects I plan to make for Christmas gifts. You get the idea. I will probably use the money I got from selling my DVDs to buy a Kindle. A large portion of the books I have are theology or cover religious themes, so I will donate those to the Church library as well. I currently don't have any plans to move to Africa full time, but I will never rule it out. I want to be ready for God to use me at any time, and owning fewer things makes that so much easier - even if following when and where God calls might not be easiest. Because I know His ways are good. As previously mentioned on the blog, I want to love people more than things and I want to love God even more than people.

Fall

Holy 7 Months Batman! Sorry about that...

I can't believe IT'S SEPTEMBER. HOW did that happen??!!

Let's see. Last winter was miserably cold. Dealing with leaving my home church was awful. Dealing with my new church was great. Africa stuff is evolving in suprising ways. No plans to rellocate permanently, I'm staying involved stateside! Church went downhill. Some people at church became persistent, which annoyed me, so I left. Summer was uneventful, that is, until my dad died.

God is still sovereign. He is still good.

Work with Africa is still good. The US office is evolving, changing. It's challenging me in terrifying ways, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I'm loving every minute. I've had two skype meetings this week, one more to go. I'm going back to Africa in 2015. It will be a short and sweet trip. I am blessed.

And love? You'll have to wait to hear the verdict on that one, but I feel like I just might be on to something.

So here's to fall. To leaves and pumpkins and hot chocolate. To cool days snuggled up with a movie or book. To traveling for the Africa org, and for once a year to have the chance of being with each other in person. To celebrating the past while still being open to make new memories. To life and love.

Happy New Year!!!

Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different.  And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.

I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.

Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!

It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.

When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.

'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'

-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]

I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides. 

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17

I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.

The thing you aren't supposed to say

In certain areas of my life I am thriving! In other areas - in the important areas, I have been settling. In my Christian walk, and in my love life, I have been settling.

First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.

I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.

I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.

I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.

Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.

Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.

These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.

Where The Rubber Meets the Road

I traveled with one large suitcase and two carry-on bags. Stuffed with clothes, OTCs, magazines, my netbook, a digital camera, a video camera, and my Bible. With everything I would have for the next nine weeks.

It filled up the wardrobe in my room in South Africa. It easily fit into the closet in my room in Zambia. I was repeatedly struck by the fact that I didn't miss anything I had left at home. For quite some time, even before my time in Africa I believe, there was a nagging question in the back of my head: "who would I be without all of my stuff?"

The question has plagued me in a persistent fashion. My co-workers wonder how much more I can get rid of. They probably question my new-found aversion to things. Since I have been home, I have regularly and consistently purged my material items. Something will make the cut, only to sit around unused for another  month. It might not be so lucky the next round. The dilemma is this: I bought things when I was younger, thinking that my life would be a certain way. Now that I am older, I don't want that life. A safe life with perfectly manicured Christmas trees, tables with fine dishware, and organized trinkets displaying precious memories throughout a home. I would love to go back to Africa. What good will my stuff do sitting in boxes for years? When someone else could use it and enjoy it? It's not even about Africa, really. I loved my time in Africa and would willingly go back if given the opportunity! But I would hope to be "on-call" to go wherever I may be called on a seconds notice. Whether it's Florida, Pakistan, or Africa. I don't want to be encumbered by the emotional weight of what to do with my things. I want to willingly go with joy and readiness.

We got quite a bit of snow yesterday and, as per usual, the roads were untreated and miserable for driving. I went to Church in the morning so the youth could practice their Christmas program. I drove home and was glad to pull in to my driveway safe and sound. On top of the snow, it has also been very, very cold here, so I was thrilled by the chance to stay home where it is nice and warm. It was a good chance to get caught up on things that can fall by the wayside in a busy week. Financial things, laundry, etc along those lines. I've been tweaking a few things in my room in anticipation of the new year. 2013 was an amazing year filled with love, adventure, heartbreak, new experiences, heartbreak, disappointment and lots of lessons - and I am ready for it to be over! In my room, I had displayed my four foot artificial Christmas tree. My room has gone through several transformations this year, and recently I rearranged my shelving unit that holds my clothes. The Christmas tree had sat in the same spot it has every year, in front of what was formerly the home of a bookshelf and is now the home of  my shelving unit. The tree proved to be an annoyance when getting dressed on weekends, as it challenged access to some of my casual clothes. On Friday I went to work later in the morning, so I was up early. I had bought a new lamp for that corner of the room and was rearranging the lighting. This project was also greatly hampered by my Christmas tree. Being artificial it was fairly easy to pull out, towards the middle of the room, and then push back when I was done. This didn't prevent it from being an annoyance though.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I had been pulling items to donate or sell earlier in the week. Trying to discern what actually adds something to my life versus just consuming space. NBC was re-airing their live broadcast of 'The Sound of Music Live!' I love the story, and there were several local Pittsburgh natives involved with the production. (And this the part that I don't exactly remember.) I had started with taking down the pictures from Africa I had displayed in my room, with the intent of mixing things up and coming up with a different way to display them. I was going to get rid of the magnetic collage boards I had been using. (Like I said, pointless to keep in storage if I had the chance to go back to Africa.) Then it was my stereo, that I have had since the 90s. The CD deck stopped working, and I don't listen to the radio all that frequently, so I opted to give that to charity. I was removing it from the shelf on my bookcase where it has sat for the last 10+ years. I think I will move my betta tank there, as that shelf is more difficult for the cat to reach and she has been especially into my betta fish lately - it makes me nervous that one day I'm going to come home to a mess of an aquarium that has been knocked over... Anyway, the next thing I know the question was back in my mind. "Who would I be without my stuff?"

Who would I be without my stuff? What would life be without my Christmas tree? I love Christmas, but does Christmas really require a Christmas tree? Especially a tree that has been getting on my nerves more often than providing enjoyment? I decided that the four foot tree was merely a purchase. It was a collection of ornaments I had bought at my job - nothing sentimental. I have another tree that I bought at my job, years before I worked there. It is an 18 inch miniature tree that I bought because I have miniature ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother. It is much more sentimental, not to mention stuffed to the gills with ornaments. It is more manageable to leave in the box, and in the event that I am in the US for Christmas, that will be my go-to tree. I decided to give the four foot tree to charity. But would I regret it? My gut told me no, and though I still had some apprehension, at one in the morning I undecorated and packed up my Christmas tree.

While I was collecting items, before my Christmas tree met its demise, I kept thinking what a waste it all is. I was debating the merits of whether or not to own all of these things that do not greatly influence my life, while my mind went to the people I had met in Africa who owned so little but were still immensely grateful. I don't need it, any of it. So for the next few weeks I will continue to question why I own what I own. I don't expect that 2014 will be an easier year, but I believe it will be a happier year. It's like Paul said:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." -Philippians 4:11 [NIV]

I will choose to be content in the here and now. I will choose to be happy.

pay attention.

One.

One year. Since an argument that was a catalyst for everything that happened these last twelve months. Since I found out who else was in the February intake: the seven people I would be spending my time in Africa with. Fast forward to South Africa, a breakup, Zambia, my best friends wedding, job advancement, traveling to Wisconsin to be with the Hands USA Family, and growing accustomed to a constant state of change. What a crazy year it has been!

For the first time in a few weeks, I finally have time to just "be." As always, I'm feeling unsettled. My Christmas trees are up and my Advent wreath is ready, but aside from that my room is a mess. I wish I could have an extended amount of time to hole up in my room. To take the time to put everything in it's proper place, and to get my head on straight. I feel immensely grateful for this year: for everything that has happened, both the ups and the downs, but I must admit I feel very drained. I'm always unsure. Was I too bold? Too honest? Did I say too much, or not enough? Are my motives understood or misinterpreted? This fire is also fueled by the work I do, under a constant spotlight of coworkers, not to mention constant critique from our customers. And I have memorized some of our medications at the corresponding cells in our robot. Proof I work too much and need to get out more.

A few weeks ago, I did get a chance to break out of the work bubble. I went to dinner and coffee with a dear friend that I hadn't seen all summer. It was a truly great time, I hadn't laughed that much in months! Since then I have been busy with work, Church, Youth Group, meetings, and getting ready for the holidays. I have squeezed in a couple visits to my brother's in Pittsburgh. It is an easy drive, but with traffic I always find it to be tiring. By the time I get home and pull in the driveway, I can feel the tension in my shoulders and I am ready for bed! We took them to the Zoo earlier this month; I made one trip when my nephews were with their mom, and one other when they were around and I had a day off from work. They are my favorite boys and they light up my life! Since my last visit, I have been busy prepping my Christmas presents for them. I have wrapped most of what I had, aside from the clothes (because more are coming) and stocking-stuffers. I still have a few more presents for them coming in the mail.

My other hobbies as of late have included watching old movies I have on DVD, balancing my budget and attempting to be a responsible adult, and of course drinking my weight in hot chocolate on a daily basis. I make my own from scratch: the stuff is worth being savored! And, in case you missed it, yes I did mention earlier that my Christmas tree is decorated. Naturally, since that bit is taken care of, I have been giving some serious thought to another favorite holiday tradition: New Years Resolutions. I know,  I am an over-achiever and make the rest of you look bad, I know - my co-workers tell me this all the time! But there is just something so romantic about the possibility of having a clean slate, a fresh start. And really, I don't ski - what else do you expect me to do with my time for the cold winter months prior to spring. (When I'm not drinking hot chocolate, obviously.) Nothing on my resolutions list is crazy or unpredictable. This is not a complete list, but here are a few of my goals: Run more, pack my lunch everyday for work (takeout is too expensive to inhale on a lunch break alone, it should be savored in the presence of good company), drink more water, spend money more wisely (save more), spend more time intently engaging with friends and family, keeping TV to a minimum if watched at all, and relearning German. I don't know if that is the appropriate term, and I imagine it will start coming back to me. (I studied German for 6.5 years beginning in the sixth grade.) For whatever reason, I got into the German one today. It's been on my wish list forever, probably since I stopped taking classes and actively studying it. I changed my Facebook account language to German, so I will see it everyday, and I rewrote out everything in my to-do notebook in German. (day of the week, date, month, work schedule and anything else currently on my calendar) I also have a German translation of the New Testament. My extended family tend to always have their own gatherings for holidays, so aside from my nephews the holidays are fairly quiet. A few gatherings with friends here and there, but I am hoping I will have enough time over the next month to tie up loose ends and pending projects so I can actually start the new year refreshed with a clear head.

All in all, I am blessed. I am aware of my blessings, and I feel more whole than I have in quite some time. I want to savor this next month, because I know as fast as it will go, the following three chilly months will drag on...

Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones near and far!

my extended African family

It's the Hands at Work USA Family Reunion weekend! It is the first time all of the USA advocates are getting together. Not everyone can make it unfortunately, but I'm excited. I've only met a handful of people in person. I've messaged a handful of others on Facebook. But today is the day. Today I am driving to the Pittsburgh Airport, after stopping at my brothers to drop off a few things, and flying to Chicago. I was planning on taking a shuttle by myself, but Sara called me yesterday with some news. I'm landing in Chicago at the right time. If all goes well, I will meet up with our founder, George, who is visiting from Africa and three other Americans and we will all take a hired van together. I am excited about this weekend. For everyone I will meet and for the stories we will share.

I am not looking forward to the last 30 minutes of my drive to the airport. I am praying it will be swift and stress free with no major hiccups. George says: "if you are comfortable in your life, then you are relying on yourself rather than on God..." WELL I will definitely be relying on God to get me through the morning rush hour on my way to the airport. yikes... prayers for safe travels for everyone traveling to and from the reunion this weekend are appreciated!

What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change

When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...

and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)

I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.

Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]


Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.

So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

August

 After last week's killer work schedule... [can I say 'overtime'?!] I came home Friday an hour early, because I was already in the dreaded territory of OT. I spent the evening attacking my closet and by the next morning my determination had set in. Saturday began with a shopping trip for new steel shelf, completely rearranging my closet, my room, moving a bookcase (while it was still full, no less - this is a bad choice, no matter how good it seems at the time), and four movies later... I have a new, fantastic, room spread! I spent the majority of Sunday recovering. Don't worry, of course I made time for disc golf!

I woke up to the crisp, chill of something that seems a lot like fall... While I am in no hurry to rush summer, I have to admit: I'm a little bit excited. I may or may not go out and splurge on some scented candles while my laundry is in the machines. I'm so excited for the promise of these next few months. While there are things in my life I'm not totally thrilled with, I'm pretty happy and mostly optimistic. And of course tonight is the night of nights: The Season Finale of the Bachelorette!!! I'm super excited to see what happens. I can't help it: I'm a sucker for love in the worst way. And I was reading a list of MSN Entertainment's "Who Should Be The Next Bachelor" and look at this gem: (yes I included the link and text: I don't want anyone to be too lazy to see this gem!)

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/who-should-be-the-next-bachelor/photo-gallery/feature/?photoidx=7

Who should be the next Bachelor?

James Wolk, "Mad Men" (AMC)
James Wolk plays extremely private office cipher Bob Benson on "Mad Men." Wolk, 28, seems delightfully low-maintenance: When discussing "Lone Star" (a FOX vehicle that ran for only two episodes), Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures. This is why they say to keep an eye on the quiet ones.

And again, the wisdom of James Wolk,  "Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures." I think I'm in love. With his advice at the very least!

So I'm very excited to watch the Bachelorette make whatever decision she makes, spend more time focused on my family and friends, and enjoying everything Western PA has to offer. For once in my life doing what makes me entirely happy and not sensoring it based on the opinions of another person. Because everyone still in my life will find happiness in my happiness without critiquing me. Everyone in my life can enjoy my joys in harmony, not damper them with conditions or their differing wants. We all love the same things, and that is a blessing.

And, it's the month of my birth! holla!

A Healing Heart

Last night I couldn't sleep. my heart was breaking. I had spent the weekend celebrating my best friend's wedding. the mother of the bride left the rehearsal dinner because the bows for the seat covers at the reception came in the wrong color. I never understood the materialization of contemporary weddings in Westernized countries, but after going to Africa...it's even more perplexing to me. for all the planning and decoration, why wasn't the reception more enjoyable? if all this stuff was to make the bride happy, why wasn't it ensuring happiness for the rest of us? while I had a great time dancing with the friends and family of the bride and groom, the moment I stopped the hollow feeling would return. Finally last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss Africa. I miss speaking in Bemba. I miss having someone to speak in Bemba too. I miss being around people who took the time to really try to understand you and your feelings and help you understand how to use those feelings to grow. I miss being around people who understand what it is to live with so little, and the fact that it isn't so hard/difficult/miserable/impossible as western culture would have us believe.

I know God will use these feelings for something, so I give thanks for that, but I don't know where I'm going next, and that is the hardest part.

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

My Heart is Breaking...

My heart is breaking in the most painful, most unexpected way.

I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.

My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.

Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.

My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.

It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.

It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.

Lesson #1

Lesson #1: Never laugh at a Nigerian who is trying to tell you something...

Wise Words

Growing a Gracious Heart: Part 1

So I am home, and awake. I am basically on EST for the most part. I'm still awake at 5am, but I'll deal.

Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.

I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.

I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.

I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.

[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]

food for my thoughts:

the definition of grace:

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace 

 listed synonym: mercy

 the meaning of gracious:

adjective: Courteous, kind, and pleasant, esp. toward someone of lower social status.

the meaning of generous:

adjective:  (of a person) Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

I will have to elaborate on this later. My brain is definitely back on EST and things don't seem to be coming together at this early hour. I'm sure my heart is going somewhere with this, but my brain can't seem to figure it out. So for now I might get some tea and snuggle back into bed with Angelina. to be continued...

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.