The thing you aren't supposed to say

In certain areas of my life I am thriving! In other areas - in the important areas, I have been settling. In my Christian walk, and in my love life, I have been settling.

First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.

I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.

I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.

I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.

Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.

Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.

These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.

my extended African family

It's the Hands at Work USA Family Reunion weekend! It is the first time all of the USA advocates are getting together. Not everyone can make it unfortunately, but I'm excited. I've only met a handful of people in person. I've messaged a handful of others on Facebook. But today is the day. Today I am driving to the Pittsburgh Airport, after stopping at my brothers to drop off a few things, and flying to Chicago. I was planning on taking a shuttle by myself, but Sara called me yesterday with some news. I'm landing in Chicago at the right time. If all goes well, I will meet up with our founder, George, who is visiting from Africa and three other Americans and we will all take a hired van together. I am excited about this weekend. For everyone I will meet and for the stories we will share.

I am not looking forward to the last 30 minutes of my drive to the airport. I am praying it will be swift and stress free with no major hiccups. George says: "if you are comfortable in your life, then you are relying on yourself rather than on God..." WELL I will definitely be relying on God to get me through the morning rush hour on my way to the airport. yikes... prayers for safe travels for everyone traveling to and from the reunion this weekend are appreciated!

What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change

When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...

and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)

I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.

Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]


Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.

So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Lesson #1

Lesson #1: Never laugh at a Nigerian who is trying to tell you something...

The Flip Side

This week has been a rough one. Monday I learned about a death back home that hit me really hard. That evening also started the influx of challenging emails that would frustrate me the next 48 hours. I definitely had my fair share of pathetic, absolute hot-mess moments. I remember going to ladies prayer on Tuesday, and small group on Wednesday, and having the sense that I was barely keeping myself afloat. That I could have been overtaken by my emotions at any moment. Insert a couple incidents of me basically melting into the couch in the Village lounge. Like I said, hot mess. Anyhoo...

Things are looking up. Today I have only gotten two emails, from people that actually have something beneficial to say. My head is definitely on straight today. Last night we played this slightly awkward game with a cereal box, but it was really fun. It was really awkward...but really fun. I laughed a lot, which is always a bonus. And then we had a brief discussion about our community stay. I'll be staying with Mel, and it's going to be a once in a lifetime experience. And this morning I found this gem on pinterest:

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. 2011 ended with a bang, but it was the bad kind. 2012 consisted of me learning how to recover. Looking back, I've been through lots of phases. High school was a blast, and senior year was like a dream. Freshman year of college was an extension of the dream. 2006 ended on a (pathetically) low note, 2007 continued to be more of the same. Recovery and getting by. In early 2009, I made a radical diet lifestyle change. In late 2009, I signed up for and began training for my first half marathon. 2010 was a banner year. And things were good, until 2011 ended with that awful, terrible bang. In a situation that should be in the plot of a lifetime movie, not very real part of my life, I ended a friendship. A friendship that, albeit having toxic undertones, lasted for the better part of 13 years. In the last week it occurred to me: that might be something I will never, truly get over. I can push through it and move on, but can I ever truly forget? Despite all its uneasiness, all the lumps and bumps in the road, 2012 was a generally good year. But don't get me wrong, I am glad it's over.

So here I am: January 6th, 2013. Tomorrow is Russian Orthodox Christmas. The holidays are officially coming to an end and the new year is officially in full swing. Complete with the hustle and bustle of gift returns, budget induced mental breakdowns, and extravagant new years resolutions.

I must confess my own emotional distress over unresolved questions surrounding my Africa trip. I have felt panicked, and preoccupied by worried anticipation. The feeling in your stomach that I lovingly refer to as 'vomtastic.' As Anne Shirley said: "The worst would be more endurable than not knowing at all." But what will be, will be and I just have to have faith that there is a bigger plan.

Of course, I have resolutions. Moreover, I love resolutions. Resolutions are the ultimate to-do list in my mind. I mentioned completing my end of year clean-out, so for the most part, I have nothing left to purge. Nothing left that does not or could not enhance my life. I want to save money. I want to follow a budget. I want to stop putting money, energy, and expectations into things. I want to enjoy what I already have, not chase after things I don't have and don't really need in the first place. I want to actively, purposely tithe what I have been given back to God, both financially and with my time and energy. I want to lose weight. This one is two-fold. I want to be healthy. I don't need to be super skinny, I want to feel powerful. Being able to run without having to take my rescue-inhaler would be nice, too. I want to use my body to glorify God. I don't want it to hold me back, and I don't want to throw away my health. I see my older relatives suffering from diabetes, fibromyalgia, back pain, and being oxygen dependent. These symptoms are perhaps not all directly related to obesity, but are certainly not helped by excess body weight. I also want to control my sweet tooth. Yes, this relates back to the being healthy segment of losing weight, but, for me, it also translates to my second motive: when the going gets rough, I get to the kitchen. Yes, I'm a sometimes-stress-eater. When my sweet tooth is in check, I can pass on stress eating. But recently, when work and life and stress collide, I make a beeline for the sweets. I'd really like to find my refuge in God, and not in sweet snacks. Watch this video, maybe  it will make you think, maybe it won't, but here it is anyway:



 I want to make time for daily devotions. I hope this will help keep my mindset more even and keep everything in perspective - food cravings and otherwise. I also want to blog more, about what I'm learning in my devotions. I want to be less connected. I want to spend less time on the internet. That's not to say that I'm going to opt out of my facebook account, or that I'm going to stop blogging. I just want to stop wasting mindless time on social media. I'm not sure there is a reason to spend purposeful time on facebook... but I want to spend more purposeful time blogging. I'm re-motivated to continue 'cell-free Sundays' but this year I'm calling them 'signed-off Sundays.' My goal is to devote Sunday afternoons to quiet devotions with out my cellphone, facebook, or television in the background. So that's it, those are my new years resolutions. Somehow, I think purging unnecessary possessions from my life was the easy part, but I hope purging unnecessary habits will be more rewarding.

I already mentioned the frantic flurry of new years resolutions. The weight-loss ads, the dating-site ads...all the ads the media bombards us with...  As I was driving to my boyfriend's house yesterday, a woman on the radio was talking about how she feels new years resolutions are useless, and we are all setting ourselves up for failure.I don't know about that, but I know most of the resolution themed ads seem to go about things all the wrong way. I would like to think that my resolutions are centered around my relationship with Christ, and everything will fall into place accordingly. I'd like to think my resolutions are purposefully determined with the right motives. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't. Today is Epiphany on the Christian calendar, where we remember the wise men and their journey to find Jesus. It hit me how the majority of resolutions are all wrong in every way: formation, perspective, and execution. I think of the wise men and their devotion to this single goal of finding Jesus, regardless or in spite of how long it took to get there. They followed a star, that may not have always been easy to discern. They brought gifts for a royal king, who it turns out was just a small child. I wonder if their meeting with Jesus was what they anticipated, or if they were caught off guard by what they found. If we all had just a pinch of that purposeful devotion, how different would our world be?

Today in Church, I was greatly impressed by the prayer of confession:
God of sovereigns and commoners, we confess that we are often more impressed with famous people than we are with your amazing glory. The rules of this earth are more real to us than the One who reigns over time and eternity. Your priorities are not foremost in our lives. We reach for power and popularity more than for justice for the poor. We are more focused on prosperity than on relief for the oppressed. Our pursuits do not satisfy; save us from their fragmenting grip in our lives. Cause a new epiphany among us, we pray. Amen.

How true! How many news headlines are centered around Kim Kardashian (she's having a baby - did you hear?), or Will and Kate? How many Kardashian reality tv shows can there be at one time? When did TMZ become a reputable news source? With all that nonsense, it's no wonder that the rules of the earth overpower the rules of God. Power and popularity do so often come first over justice, and how many people would rather donate money to a cause than actually leave their own comfort zone? No, these pursuits do not satisfy - would our country, with our materialism, debt, and obesity, be such a mess if they did? We are called to be beacon's of hope. Forget about society says for one minute and remember what God says:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. -Micah 6: 8 [NIV]

And because the ultimate reasoning behind new years resolutions is to improve our lives in someway and make us happier. Here is what my Bible translation has to say about happiness:

Hallelujah!
My soul, praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not trust in nobles,
in man, who cannot save.

When his breath leaves him,
he returns to the ground;
on that day his plans die.

Happy is the one whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea and everything in them.
He remains faithful forever, 

executing justice for the exploited
and giving food to the hungry.
The Lord frees prisoners.

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord raises up those who are oppressed.
The Lord loves the righteous.  

The Lord protects foreigners
and helps the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever;
Zion, your God reigns for all generations.
Hallelujah!

-Psalm 146 [HCSB] 

Wishing you all best of luck with your resolutions, whatever they may be, and hoping you all find true happiness for the right reasons!

Just Breathe

Tomorrow I am having a luncheon at my Church to raise support for my missionary trip to South Africa. I had a productive morning. I cut some fabric for a few projects I'm working on, and then I baked a bunch of goodies for tomorrow. My mom, brother, and I went to the Church to prepare a few other things. I was ready to crash by the time we got back home. After eating dinner with my family, I began to really feel the heat. I couldn't focus on my favorite television show, or on my Bible reading. There is something so unnerving about relinquishing control and allowing others to impact your life. It's one thing to be proactive and rely on yourself all the time. That can be a good thing, and certainly takes qualities and habits that can be beneficial in many areas of life. But we also need to be vulnerable. To be reminded that we are not, that we can not, be truly self-sufficient. If I didn't have Jesus in my life, I would definitely be a lot worse off than I am now. I need His guidance, His grace. It is still incredibly humbling to openly invite others to take an active role in your faith journey. To be my partners on this journey, whether it is actively, financially, emotionally, or just in prayer. But I am not bold, and I don't thrive in the limelight, so I was really stressing out.

So I caved. Because I could not focus on anything else, I talked to my best friend. The wheels in my head were going 100 miles per minute, and I jokingly referenced putting up my Christmas tree. I do love Christmas, and I did get out all of my Christmas music, but I wasn't actually planning on putting up my tree this early. But, I was so stressed out, and my best friend said I should put my tree up. I was shocked because she does not like to think about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. But she is my best friend, and she knows me, and she knew it would take my mind off of tomorrow and help me calm down. So here I sit, next to an (unlit) Christmas tree. And my animatronic mouse that sings 'Jingle Bell Rock.'  I must admit, it worked. Now I just have to get some rest before tomorrow. Yikes...

So the twentieth thing I am thankful for is(are) my best friend(s)! They are always there for me when I need someone to listen.

Mother's Day Mayhem

I feel like I have been beaten up.

On Friday, Cory asked me how many hours I had logged this week. We spent much more time together than we normally do this week, since Steph and Terri are both off, and he guessed that I'd be getting close to overtime. Close yes, but not in the danger zone. I was saved by the extended lunch break I took on Monday. [A happy coincidence: we had over scheduled front staff, and I felt miserable with a nagging headache. I gladly agreed to leave with the hope of a break and a hot meal providing some relief before coming back for the evening with the back staff.]

I was also watching Terri's dog while she was recovering from surgery. A dog that is a) a puppy b) hyperactive, to say the least! and c) insists on waking up at 5am. To say that I was overworked and sleep deprived this week is an understatement. Then I realized that I only have one day off the next three weeks: Memorial Day (+ Sundays, because we are closed.) No days off + a lot of laundry that still needs put away + more laundry that still needs washed + dishes + ... The list goes on.

Then there is that whole Amendment 1 thing. You may have heard of it, but in case you've been living under a rock, you can read about it here. I think the homosexual debate is quite complicated and I don't feel inclined to delve into my personal feelings on that right now. After the law was passed, friends on both sides of the debate let the comments fly. One friend in particular called me quite upset, on the verge of tears, about how the idea of marriage between homosexuals is so wrong. It was a Matthew 7 moment:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." -Matthew 7:3-5

The Bible plainly states that God intended for man and woman to be together and that homosexuality is at odds with God's plan for us. Yet, there are things this friend is doing in their life that are also contrary to what is said in the Bible. I don't feel that I am currently in the place to pass judgment or offer council. I don't think I can offer words to inspire change, and am afraid of offering words that merely cause defense and hurt. So I wait and trust that things will happen according to God's plan.


And to cap off the week of crazy work, lack of sleep, Saturday was date night. After date night I had grand thoughts of finalizing my Sunday School lesson, maybe folding some laundry and going to bed early. Instead, I got home, was tackled by my nephew Andrew (and later by Christian) who was surprising Mom for Mother's Day. We stayed up until midnight when I finally couldn't take it anymore and went to bed. Overslept, but still found time to sort of get my lesson in order. Then we went to my grandmother's house for lunch, and of course had to see all the cows, roosters, and the billy goat. Then Lucius and I took a nap, because nephews wear. us. out.!!!


I'm still feeling not so great, but I think this crazy week has inspired some good things. Here's a sneak peak to inspire you:

#1. Awe, don't they look cute? Bachelor Brad Womack proposed to Emily Maynard during his second stint as The Bachelor. Well they broke up and now the Emily is back to be The Bachelorette. Everyone knows that Albert Einstein is a pretty smart guy. And everyone knows that he said: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Everyone except for those people who decide to look for love on National Television, ABC style of course. This season get ready. You'll all get to witness what my boyfriend calls "Monday-Morning Quarterbacking" - Bachelor style. The past few seasons seem to be getting progressively worse, but I can't bring myself to stop watching. This season I'm going to make the most of this glutton-for-punishment quality: I'm going to blog about the episodes and breakdown these "love connections." What are they doing right? What are they doing wrong? Should these relationships even be categorized as love, as God intended it?

 

#2. Back to that Matthew 7:3-5 thing: Let's take a look at the common life. aka mine. What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? How am I failing as a Christian? Will a change in habits make a drastic change in my general outlook?

 Stay tuned blog-world!!!

God's Plan

As I'm getting ready to go to a Church meeting, which I am not looking forward to because we have difficult decisions ahead.

This popped up on my facebook newsfeed because my friend subscribes to Life and Love and gets their updates:

And today's Our Daily Bread devotional comes from 1 John:

^"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.  Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God  and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.  And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us." -1 John 3:16-23

If that isn't encouragement for days like today, I don't know what is! If nothing else, hopefully this will help keep me in the appropriate mindset. The road ahead will be difficult, but I shouldn't worry because it's all part of God's plan. All I can do is [try to] keep His commandments and glorify Him!

My Week In Review

AKA Stuff that I've wanted to blog about but haven't had the energy, time, or focus to do so.

Monday I accidentally left work early. I still cannot believe I did this! However, I just added the time (the whole 20 minutes) on during the rest of my week. My manager was not even perceptive enough to realize my goof.

Tuesday was my day off. I spent it as a viewing/funeral.  Then I hit the trail. This winter has not been bad. I'm not convinced we've seen the last of winter weather, but for now I will enjoy the fact that I can get outside with little to no discomfort. I did run in a massive downpour on Wednesday, but rainy day runs are my secret love. It's like being a little kid jumping in puddles - but better! So I have a short cardio/strength training workout that I do essentially every day. I've done it every day the past three weeks minus two: I took one day off when I was sick and yesterday off just because. Starting Tuesday I have gone to the trail everyday. (Yes, I know that's only four days. You have to start somewhere!)

So assuming I'm not sick, I hit the trail before work and hang out with my medicine ball (aka my new best friend) after work. And I still plain my meals around fruits and veggies, and THEN I decide what else I want to eat. So Tuesday I was off. Wednesday I ran in the downpour before going into work. At work my coworker, once again, complains about her weight, not feeling comfortable in her body. Then she proceeds to open a box of girl scout cookies. Yesterday, there were both Dunkin Donuts and Bob's Pizza (local pizza shop) brought into work. The donuts were brought in by the same coworker who complains about her weight. REALLY??? I think it frustrates her that I didn't want anything.

Don't get me wrong: I love food! I'm not someone who is starving myself/working out with unrealistic expectations for what I want to look like. I just know that I gained 50lbs in college. So far I've lost 30lbs. I would like to lose 10lbs, if not 20lbs, more. I want to lose these extra pounds because: a) I have asthma and I can definitely notice a negative difference in lung capacity with the added weight. I would love to be able to run again without always having my inhaler on hand! b) I know exactly what havoc visceral fat has been shown to wreck on the body, and what health problems it puts you at risk for later c) I want to have more energy and if I can lose weight my body will have to expend less energy performing basic functions d) I just want to like the way I look. I've been there, I knew how active I was and I know what I have to do to get there again. I still love food! I don't deprive myself. I have some chocolate every day. I have jellybeans whenever I want them. It just drives me crazy hearing her complain on a regular basis about her weight, not liking the way she looks, and then eating junk food all the time...

Of course, it didn't help that I hadn't slept through the entire night all week. Tuesday night I woke up at 1am because the hall light was on. 3:38am I woke up because the cat was snoring that loudly... I was bit annoyed at this point, but determined to fall back asleep. Sometime after that, I have a standing floor lamp that is fairly similar to this. The three bulbs are adjustable and all have their own on/off switch. Well the middle bulb, pointed towards my desk, turned on and then off. I live in an old house, and the lamp was my older brothers so I guess it could be old as far as lamps go... so I know that it could be explained. It could be a glitch in wiring. I know some of the switches turn easier than others. (It's the switch you have to rotate to turn on.) Still, I think I heard the switch make the click sound it does once you've rotated to the "on" position. And I'm not aware that this has happened before. Needless to say, I was spooked. While I know there could be a completely rational explanation, the first thing that came to mind was my campus ministers stance on spiritual warfare. Which, is really comforting at sometime around 4am... My friend simply thinks my house is "haunted" (aka spiritual warfare). I'm not really so keen on having demons in my bedroom at the moment, so that wasn't comforting. The lamp has yet to have it's own light-show, and for the moment that is just fine with me. Despite things being quiet the next few nights, I still couldn't manage to sleep through the entire night. By yesterday, my eyes were so tired and I was starting to feel groggy. I did manage to sleep through last night but I still feel pretty gross. I have a headache and sinus pressure. Just not my day.

My most recent dilemma is money. When I cleaned out my closet, I got rid of pieces that, though I loved them, I knew (or thought) I would never wear them. Some of them were delegated to my list of items I would love to have: in a different style, color, fit, etc. One of the items on my list happens to be available online on a website that happens to be having a 50% off sale this weekend. (Actually it's technically two items: a yellow sweater and a loose crochet sweater - in one!) I saw an advertisement for the sale last night. I found a few other items I adore, including one that would replace an item I donated because I thought I would never wear it...but it turns out I really miss wearing it. Then you get into 'buy ____ more and get free shipping' and all of those seller schemes. I wasn't planning on buying any clothes this month. For now, the items are in my shopping cart. Just sitting there. I printed out the cart and my try to hit the mall for some locale shopping, or at least price comparison. See if I can find any items that would equally meet my needs with a better price tag.

In other news, HAPPY MARCH!!! March is both National Nutrition Month & National Craft Month. Yes, I'm kind of a geek. I love both of these things. That with the advent of spring, in my head even if not in reality, makes me a happy, happy girl! I'm really hoping that these happy thoughts can get my through my long to-do list for the weekend... wish me luck (not that I need it, cause I'm Irish!)

Life & Lent

When it comes to my real, non-internet life I have an excellent memory. My internet life? Not so much... I had a topic that I really intended to blog about last night before bed. I decided to just go to bed since it was late and my computer was already turned off anyway. So naturally I have no inkling what had me so inspired last night. Oh well...

I had a very productive day today. Honestly, I'm almost in disbelief how much I have now accomplished. But it's bittersweet because I didn't cross off everything on my to do list. This made me realize I do not do a good job in relishing the completion of tasks or celebrating myself. For the last 16 months I have been relentlessly purging my possessions. Sorting through pile after pile, deciding what stays vs what gets donated, recycled, or pitched. I'm too the point that I basically have nothing else left to sort. I can relax instead of decide what to go through next. [I could, and probably will, help my brother with his room, but that is another issue... And quite frankly, that room will probably be a piece of cake compared to the other rooms I've already finished.] I can actually scale back to taking 5 minutes a day to put things back in their place, and cleaning on weekends or my day off. I can focus on areas of myself that need work other than my physical surroundings.

For the past ten years, starting with high school, continuing through college and graduation, I have constantly been on the go. I'm not sure I remember how to relax, let alone be lazy. As a Christian, it was obvious to me that physical clutter and discord in my life attributed to emotional clutter and discord in my spiritual life. Generally, my life is clutter free in comparison to what it was. I have a few "trouble spots": my computer desk and two bankers boxes + one open box full of papers that I may or may not need, my main desk which is now littered with financial documents to be shredded or filed, and a plastic laundry basket with my "sort later" items. Down to thee spots. That isn't bad at all. I should be ecstatic, but rather than naturally celebrate the accomplishment of this task, my mind immediately jumps to "what's next?"

I would be remiss if I did not put my clutter conundrum in context. Growing up, neither of my parents paid specific attention to living an orderly life. Unlike my friends, I don't really remember being told to clean my room. Granted, I was always a clean kid. I have a memory from my childhood home. I collected paper grocery bags and put all of my toys, and my brothers, into the bags and lined them up in front of the entertainment system. Fast forward a few years and I'm in my bedroom, listening to my radio and cleaning on my own accord. That was pretty much how I always functioned. In high school I managed to keep everything organized, despite of - or perhaps because of - a busy, hectic schedule. Enter college, a full class schedule and work schedule, a boyfriend and extracurriculars. A bad breakup and extracurricular overload in the form of nine meetings a week. My organization system went down hill and my sense of self went away with it.

It took a long time and a lot of effort, but I'm finally back! I'm eating healthy, I'm organized, working out daily, AND I've picked up the daily devotionals that were my favorite in high school. But I still don't automatically celebrate this progress. I think this is a negative trait, but perhaps more beneficial in the long run. As Christians, we realize that are of sinful nature. We can never escape sin, and we are saved by grace and mercy. Nothing of our own devices can save us. Basically, I'm hopeless on my own. Yet it is because of my faith, and the knowledge and perception that comes with it, that I have been able to accomplish such an enormous task the first place. And that knowledge and perception is why I even realized it needed to be accomplished, and accomplished swiftly.

The whole point of this long-winded post boils down to this: I acknowledgement that I are hopeless without Christ, and the strength, knowledge, and determination He provides me. BUT by getting stuck in the mindset of self-deprecation because I acknowledge I am nothing without Christ, am I selling myself short in my beliefs in what I can do (with Christ) and therefore minimizing the glory of Christ? It's definitely been on my mind, and definitely worth thinking about. At any rate, I'm still going to strive to have a clutter-free home, eat well, and workout daily. And try to celebrate completed tasks.

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God" - Colossians 1: 10 [NIV]

Also, Fröhliches Karneval!!!

That's "Happy Carneval" to those of you who may be German-illiterate. (Ironically, this is a celebration - which I'm discussing in a post about how I'm not good at celebrating accomplishments.) It's, for lack of a better explanation, the German equivalent of Mardi Gras. Aka "Fat Tuesday." The last hoorah to get fatty, sugary, decadent foods out of the kitchen. See: use up by eating, or binging. whatever works. The last day before Ash Wednesday and the arrival of Lent. I spent a few weeks mulling over what I could give up for Lent this year. I'm not Catholic, but in years past I have given things up. Back in high school, you know, before texting, smart phones and wireless internet, I gave up the radio, television and the internet (school research was allowed.) Last year I gave up my VISA. I'm not exactly sure how I would "up" that. I know, I know... that is not the point of Lent, but I digress... Since I've essentially got a handle on my possessions problem, I don't think I'm giving up anything. Unless you count giving up being mediocre. My goal is to generally just live better. To get my crap in order. To be more responsible. To show up to work on time and without complaint. To do everything on time and without complaint. To be more chipper, more giving, more personable - even when I'm not actually in the mood to be personable. To live a more pleasing life in general. (See Bible verse above.) I've realized it's not about cutting out television altogether (a topic I've flirted with in the past), as much as it is constantly keeping things in perspective and ultimately focused. Watching TV doesn't make me a bad person. Worrying more about how my life compares to [insert popular TV show/personality] more than I worry about how my life enriches, or not, the people around me, and if it is pleasing to Christ means I have a problem. Ultimately, I'm inclined to think that by cutting out something completely, for time consumption or addictive qualities, is stating that the something has more power than (as a Christian) your strength in Christ. Unfortunately, it's late and I'm not sure I communicated these topics as effectively as I would have intended. [Mental faculties are lagging. This definitely means it's my bedtime...]

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

“The first duty of love is to listen.” -Paul Tillich

My heart has been a little bit heavy these last few days. We are all growing up. Some of our lives are changing; some are not. I am facing the demise of a long friendship.

Partly because of this stressful situation, I already took down and packed away my Christmas tree and all of my decorations. As I was putting all of my non-Christmas decor back in place, I glanced upon a sign I had gotten on a business trip last year. For the past several months, prior to Christmas, it has sat, largely unnoticed, on my bookshelf. It simply states: "a true friend always lifts you up."

For this particular friendship, this has not been the case. Quite the opposite; I believe they bring out the worst in me. Yet I was still struggling with the idea of losing them. One evening, after a particularly dramatic two days, I took a long shower to clear my head. Then it came to me. The passage in James that warns us we should only produce praise or cursing, not both.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."-James 3:9-12 [NIV]

Proverbs also warns us about choosing our friends wisely.

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." -Proverbs 13:20 [ESV]

 

 I decided to reread "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue" by Emily Giffin. I've probably blogged about them before, they are some of my favorites. I just love the depth of emotion they show you, while exploring what it truly means to be a good friend - and what characteristics we exhibit that are not part of being a good friend. I love this quote from "Something Blue":

 

“Love and friendship. They are what make us who we are, and what can change us, if we let them.”

2011 hasn't been an easy year. It's been filled with mistakes, poor choices, and drama. But, thankfully, it generally ended on a high note. Completing another half marathon. Growing up - and making decisions accordingly. I can only hope that these positive events keep happening in 2012. [and that the drama of this waning friendship is kept to a minimum]

Wishing you all happiness as we celebrate a New Year, full of new potential! Happy New Year!!!

the A B C's of Me: the Vacation Edition!!!

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." - Romans 8: 28 [KJV]

and hey, KJV, happy birthday!!! you'll always be my fav!!!

moving on...

So I took my extended vaca, and I'm back in the swing of things now. But I got to do some deep thinking first. Here goes:

 

1. I am very stubborn. Even when things don't go my way, I will do everything I can to see it through. Case in point: I originally scheduled this trip with the intention of seeing a friend while I was there. I ended up spending the entire week solo. (Or at least without anyone I already knew.)

 

 

2. Before I try something new, or am faced with a great task, I feel paralyzing fear. But once I'm pushed out of my comfort zone to the point of "no return" I'm fine. I thrive and am completely at ease. Case in point: flying 1,000 miles to rent a car for the first time and drive around a state I hadn't set foot in for 22 years. (If you can't do the math, the last time I was in Florida I was only four.) (FYI: I got into a fender-bender in my rental, handled it on my own, and lived to tell about it. Take that adulthood!)

3. Sometimes I get God. In the weeks prior to my trip, I became aware that things with my friend might not come together. As the last window of opportunity to see my friend came to a close, it was heartbreaking because I knew I had allowed the friendship to become a distraction. I knew I had put more active energy into that relationship than into my relationship with Christ. I knew what would happen; I think part of me wanted it to happen. Such a morbid display of human kind reminds us of the eternal good that is found in Christ. Even while I was intrinsically melancholy, I also knew that it was a necessary outcome and would ultimately bring me to a better place. (See Romans 8: 28 above)

4. When I am in between a rock and a hard place, I can fly! (See #2) I was, for whatever reason, terrified about getting my passport, about pulling everything together for Africa. Even though I had a feeling I would not see my friend on my trip, and was feeling a bit down about that, AND feeling nervous about planning for Africa, I made myself get my butt in gear. On Halloween, the day before I left for my trip, I applied for my passport and clearances. One clearance was back before I even got home. My passport was in within 10 days. The last clearance came in today. Less than three weeks. God is so good.

 

 

 

5. I'm a glutton for punishment. And I love it. I went on one run in each of the first two weeks in October and didn't run at all the rest of the time before the race. That's three weeks without any running at all. Five weeks with two measly runs totaling less than 7 miles. Followed by a 13.1 mile run in one morning. As my very wise friend said to me that morning, "but you'll make it, your thrive on destroying yourself." He was right. I do, and I did. Somehow everything is faster during a race. My sprints are faster. My mile pace is faster. Seriously! A month sans running and I still hit a new half-marathon PR!!!

6. Sometimes I'm too hard on other people. I forget that they can surprise you, if you let them. I ran with two remarkable ladies. I came home and had a fund raiser for my Africa trip. I was overwhelmed with all of the love and support I have received so far. I even discussed my trip with one of my managers at work and she took the idea of me being gone much better than I had anticipated. God is so, so good.

7. I really like driving. (I just wanted to put that out there.)

8. I am a "capital T" T-U-L-I-P, for all you Calvinists out there, and I should be. The man upstairs has been looking out for me. I planned a few specific adventures for this trip. But then I thought I was just going to an aquarium, because it seemed like a fun way to kill some time, and it turned out it was the aquarium from Dolphin Tale. Winter, the dolphin the movie revolves around, is really there and really tale-less. My parents took me to Sea World, in Ohio, every summer up, until it was purchased by Geauga Lake. This experience was beyond cool in my book!

Oh, and I pet some stingrays, too!!!

9. I adore my family. The experiences of the past few weeks have allowed me to become aware on a different level of the bonds we share. Including taking my "baby" brother shopping for the first time. At Old Navy. We got into credit cards, rewards points, and credit scores... they grow up so fast! (touche, but true)

 

Fall

I love fall. And I love Halloween. I love Halloween mostly because a) it seems to be an integral part of fall b) gives me an excuse to dress like an idiot (er in a costume) in public and c) because it is the kickoff of the holiday season in my opinion. I always watch Sweet November in the beginning of November. Since I'm going on vacation on November 1st, I'm just going to have to watch it on Halloween.

As the holidays are approaching, it boggles my mind to think how much I have been through in the last 18 months. Graduating college. Witnessing the marriage of four dear friends. Experiencing the demise of my brother's marriage. Cleaning out my closet. (seriously.) Going on a business trip with my boss; my boss being let go almost immediately after our return. My work life doing a 180. Investing myself in two different relationships. Three months ago I planned this vacation with the intent of seeing someone. Now that its almost here, I'd just as soon spend the time alone. I am indifferent. Even in the last month there is a drastic change. I think it's a positive one.

Life isn't easy. Life is messy. But it's better than we deserve.

Life is so much more when we engage it, embrace it. Experiences are everything. Colors are brighter, memories are more vivid, love is stronger - even sleep is more restful. I may come with baggage, but I wouldn't change it. (Which is good, because I can't.) I'm a child of dysfunction. Bearing the scars of divorce (one set of grandparents, three sets of aunts/uncles) and familial discord. I hope this helps me better appreciate relationships in my life. I hope one day this helps me create a better home for my family.

For now, I marvel at the changes and rejoice in a soft bed.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

Intelligence

I did attack my bookshelf yesterday. I did not take allergy medicine. Which means I feel like I've been hit by a train. awesome. (Okay, I was also burning candles... maybe that was it. No candles until I'm back from my half marathon just in case.) I also baked. I made a batch of chocolate chip scones, and then wrapped them in aluminum foil. I can just pop them in the toaster oven to warm up and there I go: the breakfast of champions! (See, sometimes I do make intelligent choices.) You can see what Merriam-Webster says about intelligence here. To me, intelligence is interpreting information in context and making the most appropriate choice. I know I need to eat breakfast, and I know I need to get to work early. Viola, the scone plan is born.

In Bible study, we've been reanalyzing some of our favorite "children's" Bible stories. All but two of them were Old Testament. The Old Testament is about obeying God, plain and simple. Things are announced as matter-of-fact, there is not a relationship tone (as we see in the New Testament). At first glance, rereading our stories in context, most of us had to wonder "why was this a children's story?!" The two stories I presented were Lot (that's a real upper!) and Daniel in the lions den (par-tay!) BUT when the stories were read, truly in context, things made sense. We could pull out the greater themes. Find the greater good, despite the horrible events.

Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, but God used that to help Abraham understand, and ultimately deepen Abraham's faith in God. Lot hadn't been doing what God had asked of him; he could have perished in the city as well. Even though he had compromised on God's standards, God was still merciful. Even though God had heard how terrible the injustice of Sodom and Gomorrah had become, He still sent angels to see the cities first hand. He had to make sure things were unchanged before He acted out judgment. He takes the control of our lives very seriously, because He loves us.

The lions den was not so bad in comparison to the story of Lot. The only hard part is when the accusers, along with their families and children, were thrown into the lions den. I like this story. It's a testament to the dilemma of who you want to be: do you want to be cool or do you want to be trustworthy?

My current dilemmas:

Work: adapting to new coworkers, and new dynamics that come with the new coworkers. new expectations. good expectations, but poor execution in achieving those expectations.

Church: general growing pains.

Africa: I can only do so much so fast. People keep asking questions that they want set answers to. Set answers are something I cannot provide just yet.

Running: two weeks. yikes!

Time: never enough

Today I have class and a meeting. I also want to go running and check off my to-do list. Maybe more baking... Pulling out the suitcase and starting to pack and finding a rental car. (yikes!) Hopefully some quiet devotion time, including time to look at my dilemmas intelligently and face them accordingly. Happy Tuesday!!!

I'm in a Box!!!

Last night we had our homeless experience. I have to say it was pretty awesome!

First, we set up our boxes, aka "Hooverville", for the night and prepped a fire. We were going to make things as hard as possible for the youth, but a congregation member gave them a lighter to start a fire. Lucky ducks...

Then we all shared stories, mostly told by the adults, of people we had come across personally or heard through others and the hardships they've had to face.

Our congregation is awesome! We were only surviving on whatever was donated to us. We were given hobo beans, cornbread, bananas, applesauce, soda, marshmallows, homemade buns, more homemade buns and meatloaf. We were also donated plastic wear, cups and plates. The adults decided what we would eat (hobo buns, cornbread, banana, homemade buns and meatloaf) and what we would donate to the local homeless shelter (everything else). Since we were donating our plastic wear, cups and plates, we would need to barter with a local resident to get utensils to eat dinner. We decided the marshmallows would be our item of most value and we set out to find someone to trade with.

Here is a picture of the youth bartering their marshmallows for plastic wear and plates.

Our view for the night. Life is rough...


We allowed the youth to bring the clothes on their back, a coat, and a blanket OR sleeping bag. No cellphones, iPods, electronics, pillows, etc. Everyone had only a box for shelter. We did have a fire for warmth. We were outside for about 20 hours. No technology, no connection to the outside world. Just each other. And it was great!

We were also donated hot water and hot chocolate mix. We didn't have any way to keep it hot, but minor details. Our minister for the day slept out with us and used that in her children's sermon. The hot water was a good thing. It was a gift that we really needed. It warmed us up after we had been outside for about 6 hours. It was a good thing. But sometimes good things can become bad things. All of the little individual good things in our lives can turn into one big crazy distraction. A mess of signals and emotions distracting us from God. There was another minister in town for the weekend who stopped over to see us last night. He told us his subject to preach on this weekend: worship. His topic for the sermon was how humans were created for worship. The devil isn't trying to get us to not worship - he just wants us to not worship God. This pastor said: "if you don't think you have adultery in your life, then turn off ESPN." [context: he said this to a congregation in western Pennsylvania, aka the Steeler Nation; not to mention college football, namely PSU and PITT.] Football is kindof a big deal here. Where Church attendance, and attire, is a reflection of the football schedule. A good, harmless thing that can end up dragging us down spiritually.

Since I've been getting rid of things for the past year, this is something that is comfortable to me. An area where I know I can push myself out of my comfort zone, without losing too much comfort in the end. Last night as I was laying in my box. With only the most basic needs of shelter met, I was thinking about the stuff that is still in my room. The "could, should, would"s. My friend referenced the 90 day rule to me and it just has stuck in the back of my mind. I've gotten rid of lots of things. So I should be more available to focus on what's left, right? I have a lot of books, for one, that I haven't read still sitting on my bookshelf because it's a book, classic or otherwise, that I "should" read. I have a few miscellaneous items that I "could" use. But is "would" ever going to become "will" or "do"? And even if it's a classic, even if it's a Christian book, if it's ultimately distracting me from the Bible, how good is it really? 

Thankfully, tomorrow is yet another day off. It will be another relaxed day. Some more cleaning. Attacking the bookshelf. And hopefully lots of quiet time to reflect. Our Bible discussed a reading plan tonight, so I hope to start that tomorrow as well. I'm pretty sure there was at least one other thing I wanted to discuss, but inhaling all of the smoke from the fire last night must have effected me because I cannot remember what it was at all... Either way my little man, of the feline persuasion, is still miffed at me for not coming home last night. Apparently I have to go to bed, so he can relax and go to bed. Silly (yet adoringly devoted) animals!

To Live is Christ

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Within the past few years I've noticed this quote getting a lot of use in my circle of friends. The problem is, I think the guys have started to catch on. "Hey, I think you're beautiful." which really means: "Sure, you're religious and I'm not, and I go out to bars and you don't, but I think you're beautiful so maybe we could give it a shot?" Story of my life. Please find a new pickup line. This one's broken. Better luck next time...

It has been a rough week, and I haven't been able to run either, so I'll admit it: I'm a little bit touchy. To make matters worse, we've been planning a homeless experience for the junior and senior high schoolers. They all seemed excited at first, but now I'm not exactly sure how many are attending. Okay, okay - I know, they're teenagers... but still! Even my two brothers aren't joining me. We were originally planning to spend the night outside. My mom was not a fan. It's going to be too cold anyway, so we're staying out until midnight and then sleeping in the church. They still aren't coming. I think they just aren't prepared to disconnect from all forms of technology for that long... but that's just my take on the situation.

I think the most disappointing aspect for me is just the attitudes that have come to light through planning this experience. We've done it before - in November! - so it's not a new thing, though it has been a few years (7?) And our pastor is no longer here. I think if there are things going on that individuals do not agree with, they should examine the issue. First to see why they don't agree with it, and second to determine if their opinion is correct or misguided. I understand my mom's concern over being outside all night - but I still don't agree with it. We don't live in the tundra, one night in the cold won't kill us. And, even if we were still sleeping outside, we're allowed to bring sleeping bags! There is no "best" time to be homeless. In the winter, people worry about being out in the cold. If we had done this in the summer, people would be worried about hydration. (We aren't taking food or water with us either.) To me the whole point is experiencing someone else's pain. If I were actually homeless, I wouldn't be able to pick and choose my housing status based on weather patterns... Like I said, I think my brother's are just piggy-backing on my mom's concerns to ensure a night with the usual comforts. TV, xbox, computer, internet, cellphone... they're connected to their electronics. [Maybe I was adopted afterall...] Jesus didn't ask the disciples to spend one night outside. He asked them to leave the comforts of home permanently.

I remember growing up and going to summer camp. I went to a Christian camp. I remember one counselor commenting that everyone, except for Christ, in our lives would hurt us - even our "soul mates" (if that's what you call them). I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. If that was true why would people bother getting married? I've never considered myself to really have the stereotypical Christian upbringing (though who knows, maybe it's more stereotypical than I think). As I've grown I've encountered numerous hurts and disappointments. I feel like certain incidents, in regards to my parents, this fall have cemented my unrest with my parents. To the point that a) I don't want them to think they have any input in my choosing whom I want to marry and b) at this point, I don't really care if they attend or not. I don't even know if I want to have a formal ceremony/reception! (Though I would deal with it, if the guy wanted one.) I know that sounds harsh, but when I was 18 my older brother got married and my father did not attend. Any chance of the "fairytale wedding" spiel ended there. If I find someone who is a supportive, caring guy and a Christian that makes decisions as a reaction to Christianity, not other people, that is more than enough for me.

"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died." -Galatians 6:14

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." -Philippians 3:8

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." -Philippians 1:21

LOVE This!!!

 

And people say nothing good comes from Facebook...

Why Worry

 Last night I spent the evening with my little man. I fed him some broth, until I discovered that he will just keep eating. Like a catfish. I don't know if little ones worry about food security, after all his mom was just on the couch - still in eyesight, but he ate and ate and ate. He nursed shortly after I fed him the broth, and he ate until he spit up, probably because there was no more room in his little stomach. Our miniature glutton... Insert joy of returning messy babies to their biological parents, lol!

Then we have Lindsay Lohan, who is probably going to jail. Again. For not doing what most of society probably considers to be reasonable tasks after her legal history: community service, psychological counseling, and a Shoplifters Anonymous course. Of course she's been in this legal do-se-do since 2007 and served a mere 14 days of her last jail sentence. Obviously she's gotten away with it without severe ramifications so far; who needs accountability?

Babies that eat as if it's their last meal. Adults who ignore punishment because others enable them too. It's a problem across the board - in the world, and in the Church. The Church I've grown up in focuses so much on the "do not judge" mentality. [Matthew 7:1-6] It's one thing to strive to not cast harsh judgments, but it's another thing to have no accountability. I got into a debate about this with my high school students a few weeks ago. Good times right?

Baby catfish. Lindsay Lohan and lost accountability. Are you still with me?

As for me? My current, blatant, shortcoming is worry. Somewhere after seeing the baby I've started to affectionally call "catfish" and before reading the latest on the saga of Lindsay Lohan, I attempted to *ahem* plan out some details for this whole Africa deal. That went really well, friends... I think all I did was give myself an anxiety attack. Wondering if I still have enough time. Wondering how on earth "I" can pull it together. Yet still knowing that "I" will not be "pulling" anything together. "If God brings me to it, HE will bring me through it." All that jazz... I even took a shower in an attempt to wind down a bit. No dice. Needless to say, I laid in bed for an hour and a half before even falling asleep. I said the Lord's prayer three times. [I'm not sure precisely when the habit started. I'm pretty sure it involved a dentist's visit without Novocaine...] I tried my best to quote Matthew 6:25-34 by memory. When I went to Church camp I remember one of my cabin-mates making up a rhyme to memorize it. Unfortunately I can't remember the tune, or the entire scripture, but at least I memorized the important points. Either way, the Lord's prayer works much better. I find it works best if you actually are cognizant of the words you're praying. "Thy will be done" "Thine is the kingdom" Good stuff. Still almost two hours before I could sleep though. Now I get to go to work. Nothing like working almost double the amount of hours you've slept, am I right?

  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:25-34