A Sweet Summer

Oh hey!

Funny how time flies when you're busy living life!
Thanks for still reading, let me see what I've been up to...

Since my last post, (in January! ...yikes) I have traveled to NYC in February, kept busy with work, traveled to South Africa in May, kept busy with work...and next week I will travel to Zambia.

I love my life!

Some of you will remember my love-hate relationship with my television and my aversion to physical possessions and clutter. Really any physical thing I do not use on a regular basis.

In May, being back in Africa, I was just reminded of what life is like there. Certain things never change. Things only change in America because we let them; sometimes we even encourage them. I don't want to be like that. I want to live a consistent life wherever I am. When I was in South Africa, I mentioned the possibility of getting rid of my television. Why? Because whether I watch educational or trashy programs, it doesn't matter: it's still distracting me from real relationships. Thank God, I work with people who do not watch television regularly, some don't even own TVs! I work at a company that employs about 20 people. I work closely with eight of them. Of those eight, only one watches television on a regular basis. Last Thursday, I watched a program and I realized I knew what was going to happen, because I had already watched it multiple times. And, even with all of the good things on television, I somehow end up always defaulting to the Kardashians, the Total Divas, and the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, etc etc etc. Things I do not want to be, emulate, or understand. But have you ever paid attention to how often those shows are aired? How's a girl who spent college with Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The Girls Next Door supposed to resist that? It's pathetic yes, but somehow that is also part of the appeal. There is no plot, each episode essentially stands alone. It's too easy. So the next day at work, I casually mentioned that I was thinking about finally breaking up with my television. Naturally, the three most anti-television coworkers wasted no time offering encouragement and telling me everything I would get out of not watching television. (More productivity, etc.)

That night, I unplugged my television and dvd player and took off all of the cables. I put everything in a box. (With my extreme aversion to clutter, I always have a sturdy box around, just in case.) It was around 10pm at this point. I texted my coworker, because he is not  only anti-television, but he is a night owl and I knew he would still be awake. I said that I was 95% sure I was going to get rid of it, but I needed a final push to get to the point of no return. He was, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. The very next morning, I dropped the box off at Goodwill before work. I had anxiety the night before, but had peace that morning. I knew I was making the right choice! Since then, I didn't have a television or a DVD player so I've sold nearly all of my DVDs. (I donated some family-friendly books and DVDs to my church library.) As long as I've lived in this house, there has been a huge Victorian-era crib in my bedroom. I tried to move it once but I couldn't get it to come apart in order to get it out of the house. This Thursday, I thought I would try again. As I moved it, I lifted a section unintentionally. When I did that, the pieces all came apart! So I got that out of the way, and was able to clean the area. I had a stand-alone shelving unit crammed into my closet, which I moved to that corner (along with everything it was storing) and I moved all of my luggage to my closet. Long story short: in a mere 7 days, my room completely transformed! And so did my perspective, and stress level!

I still have too much stuff, but this will definitely be a defining moment. I have no desire to shop, because I can see almost everything I have. If I can't see it, it's because it's in a box - but I know what is in each box. I have a box for extra hygiene and toiletries. I have a box of projects I plan to make for Christmas gifts. You get the idea. I will probably use the money I got from selling my DVDs to buy a Kindle. A large portion of the books I have are theology or cover religious themes, so I will donate those to the Church library as well. I currently don't have any plans to move to Africa full time, but I will never rule it out. I want to be ready for God to use me at any time, and owning fewer things makes that so much easier - even if following when and where God calls might not be easiest. Because I know His ways are good. As previously mentioned on the blog, I want to love people more than things and I want to love God even more than people.

Fall

Holy 7 Months Batman! Sorry about that...

I can't believe IT'S SEPTEMBER. HOW did that happen??!!

Let's see. Last winter was miserably cold. Dealing with leaving my home church was awful. Dealing with my new church was great. Africa stuff is evolving in suprising ways. No plans to rellocate permanently, I'm staying involved stateside! Church went downhill. Some people at church became persistent, which annoyed me, so I left. Summer was uneventful, that is, until my dad died.

God is still sovereign. He is still good.

Work with Africa is still good. The US office is evolving, changing. It's challenging me in terrifying ways, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I'm loving every minute. I've had two skype meetings this week, one more to go. I'm going back to Africa in 2015. It will be a short and sweet trip. I am blessed.

And love? You'll have to wait to hear the verdict on that one, but I feel like I just might be on to something.

So here's to fall. To leaves and pumpkins and hot chocolate. To cool days snuggled up with a movie or book. To traveling for the Africa org, and for once a year to have the chance of being with each other in person. To celebrating the past while still being open to make new memories. To life and love.

Happy New Year!!!

Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different.  And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.

I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.

Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!

It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.

When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.

'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'

-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]

I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides. 

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17

I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.

The thing you aren't supposed to say

In certain areas of my life I am thriving! In other areas - in the important areas, I have been settling. In my Christian walk, and in my love life, I have been settling.

First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.

I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.

I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.

I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.

Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.

Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.

These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.

Where The Rubber Meets the Road

I traveled with one large suitcase and two carry-on bags. Stuffed with clothes, OTCs, magazines, my netbook, a digital camera, a video camera, and my Bible. With everything I would have for the next nine weeks.

It filled up the wardrobe in my room in South Africa. It easily fit into the closet in my room in Zambia. I was repeatedly struck by the fact that I didn't miss anything I had left at home. For quite some time, even before my time in Africa I believe, there was a nagging question in the back of my head: "who would I be without all of my stuff?"

The question has plagued me in a persistent fashion. My co-workers wonder how much more I can get rid of. They probably question my new-found aversion to things. Since I have been home, I have regularly and consistently purged my material items. Something will make the cut, only to sit around unused for another  month. It might not be so lucky the next round. The dilemma is this: I bought things when I was younger, thinking that my life would be a certain way. Now that I am older, I don't want that life. A safe life with perfectly manicured Christmas trees, tables with fine dishware, and organized trinkets displaying precious memories throughout a home. I would love to go back to Africa. What good will my stuff do sitting in boxes for years? When someone else could use it and enjoy it? It's not even about Africa, really. I loved my time in Africa and would willingly go back if given the opportunity! But I would hope to be "on-call" to go wherever I may be called on a seconds notice. Whether it's Florida, Pakistan, or Africa. I don't want to be encumbered by the emotional weight of what to do with my things. I want to willingly go with joy and readiness.

We got quite a bit of snow yesterday and, as per usual, the roads were untreated and miserable for driving. I went to Church in the morning so the youth could practice their Christmas program. I drove home and was glad to pull in to my driveway safe and sound. On top of the snow, it has also been very, very cold here, so I was thrilled by the chance to stay home where it is nice and warm. It was a good chance to get caught up on things that can fall by the wayside in a busy week. Financial things, laundry, etc along those lines. I've been tweaking a few things in my room in anticipation of the new year. 2013 was an amazing year filled with love, adventure, heartbreak, new experiences, heartbreak, disappointment and lots of lessons - and I am ready for it to be over! In my room, I had displayed my four foot artificial Christmas tree. My room has gone through several transformations this year, and recently I rearranged my shelving unit that holds my clothes. The Christmas tree had sat in the same spot it has every year, in front of what was formerly the home of a bookshelf and is now the home of  my shelving unit. The tree proved to be an annoyance when getting dressed on weekends, as it challenged access to some of my casual clothes. On Friday I went to work later in the morning, so I was up early. I had bought a new lamp for that corner of the room and was rearranging the lighting. This project was also greatly hampered by my Christmas tree. Being artificial it was fairly easy to pull out, towards the middle of the room, and then push back when I was done. This didn't prevent it from being an annoyance though.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I had been pulling items to donate or sell earlier in the week. Trying to discern what actually adds something to my life versus just consuming space. NBC was re-airing their live broadcast of 'The Sound of Music Live!' I love the story, and there were several local Pittsburgh natives involved with the production. (And this the part that I don't exactly remember.) I had started with taking down the pictures from Africa I had displayed in my room, with the intent of mixing things up and coming up with a different way to display them. I was going to get rid of the magnetic collage boards I had been using. (Like I said, pointless to keep in storage if I had the chance to go back to Africa.) Then it was my stereo, that I have had since the 90s. The CD deck stopped working, and I don't listen to the radio all that frequently, so I opted to give that to charity. I was removing it from the shelf on my bookcase where it has sat for the last 10+ years. I think I will move my betta tank there, as that shelf is more difficult for the cat to reach and she has been especially into my betta fish lately - it makes me nervous that one day I'm going to come home to a mess of an aquarium that has been knocked over... Anyway, the next thing I know the question was back in my mind. "Who would I be without my stuff?"

Who would I be without my stuff? What would life be without my Christmas tree? I love Christmas, but does Christmas really require a Christmas tree? Especially a tree that has been getting on my nerves more often than providing enjoyment? I decided that the four foot tree was merely a purchase. It was a collection of ornaments I had bought at my job - nothing sentimental. I have another tree that I bought at my job, years before I worked there. It is an 18 inch miniature tree that I bought because I have miniature ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother. It is much more sentimental, not to mention stuffed to the gills with ornaments. It is more manageable to leave in the box, and in the event that I am in the US for Christmas, that will be my go-to tree. I decided to give the four foot tree to charity. But would I regret it? My gut told me no, and though I still had some apprehension, at one in the morning I undecorated and packed up my Christmas tree.

While I was collecting items, before my Christmas tree met its demise, I kept thinking what a waste it all is. I was debating the merits of whether or not to own all of these things that do not greatly influence my life, while my mind went to the people I had met in Africa who owned so little but were still immensely grateful. I don't need it, any of it. So for the next few weeks I will continue to question why I own what I own. I don't expect that 2014 will be an easier year, but I believe it will be a happier year. It's like Paul said:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." -Philippians 4:11 [NIV]

I will choose to be content in the here and now. I will choose to be happy.

Halloween

Sometimes when I begin typing "google" into the address bar, it defaults to "google.co.za/" this makes my heart happy. so happy.

It's Halloween in America. Happy Halloween, I guess. I like Halloween in that it triggers memories of my childhood, colonial America, and history. I automatically associate Halloween with The Crucible, the Salem Witch Trials, The Village, etc. The Crucible is much cooler than wandering the streets in costumes and eating junk candy, in my opinion. In other context, Halloween means two very important things: Thanksgiving is coming, and it is (mostly) socially acceptable to listen to Christmas music. Happy Times.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, American Thanksgiving comes late this year. Not until November 28th. That is nearly a month away. In my disgust of nothing worthwhile being on TV, and in combination with my desire to abandon everything I cling to from the past, I unplugged my TV and DVD player. I plan on hiding the remotes, I just haven't decided on the best place. I won't have any reason to watch TV until Thanksgiving, when I will probably want to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade for nostalgia, if nothing else. I'm hoping this will also help me tame the demon "want" by limiting the amount of advertisements that I see/hear on a daily basis. Despite my intentions, it's been quite some time since I've had a proper TV fast. I'm not sure how it will go, or how it will make me feel but I'm optimistic.

I am optimistic in general in spite of being constantly heartbroken. The other day I was reading something my friend Jayme had posted about the chocolate industry and slave labor in Africa. It literally made me sick to my stomach and needless to say I am figuring out how I can transition to only fair-trade chocolate. God is changing my heart. I'm surrounded by so much that has little to no impact on my life. God is encouraging me to learn how to love more by loving less. Loving less "things" will allow me to direct more love towards people and into relationships. Things are such a drain. They drain your focus, time, energy. Things need maintained. Things cling onto your soul so tightly so that you think you need them. Because you "might use them one day" or because you think they make you, or your life, better. I see people who cling onto everything so tightly because "they might use it one day." They have so many things that they end up not using anything. I am human. I like things. I like having things. Even when I don't use them. Even when they don't make my life better. But I want to love God more. I want to put more energy into my relationships than into maintaining my things. Having things is work. You have to maintain them, organize them, and they don't give you anything in return. Relationships with people need maintained as well, but at least there is give and take. I want to live a bold life for God, with less, and less, and less things until I can fit all of my belongings, give or take, into a suitcase. Having a great number of things is a burden, but choosing to not have a great number of things is also a burden. I have to constantly be on guard, remind my head that my heart does not need that "life changing" thing. That possessions do not improve my life, that relationships do. And that I can't take things to heaven when I go. One item at a time, I will eventually get there. My heart will get a little closer to where God is leading me.

What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change

When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...

and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)

I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.

Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]


Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.

So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

August

 After last week's killer work schedule... [can I say 'overtime'?!] I came home Friday an hour early, because I was already in the dreaded territory of OT. I spent the evening attacking my closet and by the next morning my determination had set in. Saturday began with a shopping trip for new steel shelf, completely rearranging my closet, my room, moving a bookcase (while it was still full, no less - this is a bad choice, no matter how good it seems at the time), and four movies later... I have a new, fantastic, room spread! I spent the majority of Sunday recovering. Don't worry, of course I made time for disc golf!

I woke up to the crisp, chill of something that seems a lot like fall... While I am in no hurry to rush summer, I have to admit: I'm a little bit excited. I may or may not go out and splurge on some scented candles while my laundry is in the machines. I'm so excited for the promise of these next few months. While there are things in my life I'm not totally thrilled with, I'm pretty happy and mostly optimistic. And of course tonight is the night of nights: The Season Finale of the Bachelorette!!! I'm super excited to see what happens. I can't help it: I'm a sucker for love in the worst way. And I was reading a list of MSN Entertainment's "Who Should Be The Next Bachelor" and look at this gem: (yes I included the link and text: I don't want anyone to be too lazy to see this gem!)

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/who-should-be-the-next-bachelor/photo-gallery/feature/?photoidx=7

Who should be the next Bachelor?

James Wolk, "Mad Men" (AMC)
James Wolk plays extremely private office cipher Bob Benson on "Mad Men." Wolk, 28, seems delightfully low-maintenance: When discussing "Lone Star" (a FOX vehicle that ran for only two episodes), Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures. This is why they say to keep an eye on the quiet ones.

And again, the wisdom of James Wolk,  "Wolk advised women that the easiest way to charm a man was to feed him, suggested that they not take a refusal to dance at face value, and that any woman who doesn't regularly get flowers should move on to greener pastures." I think I'm in love. With his advice at the very least!

So I'm very excited to watch the Bachelorette make whatever decision she makes, spend more time focused on my family and friends, and enjoying everything Western PA has to offer. For once in my life doing what makes me entirely happy and not sensoring it based on the opinions of another person. Because everyone still in my life will find happiness in my happiness without critiquing me. Everyone in my life can enjoy my joys in harmony, not damper them with conditions or their differing wants. We all love the same things, and that is a blessing.

And, it's the month of my birth! holla!

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Still

I am still cleaning, still purging. Slowly but surely reducing the amount of things I own. the things that I put energy into. The catch is embracing where I am in life and who I am in this season vs who I have been. Finding my identity in my potential, as a Christian, as a woman, and as a being, vs in the things I own. I've been having an internal debate dialogue about my textbooks. Should I sell them? Donate them? Keep them? What would be the point of keeping them? Will I actually ever use them again? The answer? I will probably never use them again. I'm not sure grad school is in my future. If it is, the books will probably be outdated. If I'm not sold on grad school, why would I bother keeping them? I think I still derive so much of my identity from school, despite having graduated nearly three years ago. Our society is so focused on what we do. It's all about our careers and how we make money. How much money we make. Not how we treat people, or how we enrich our lives with meaningful things. We obsess over the stock market and 401Ks and retirement. On bettering our lives in the future - but at the cost of diminishing our lives now. At least that's how things look from my perspective.

I have today off. I'm looking forward to it. To getting rid of yet more stuff. To challenging myself and hopefully opening myself up for growth, and shifted perspectives for the future. What's important vs what's not. Of embracing and focusing on what I can control or change, and not being distracted by things I cannot control. God has a plan for me, even when I don't know what it is.

The Purge Continues

So, despite waking up at 3am and not functioning entirely well at work, I have somehow made it to 11:30pm: and it was a productive evening to boot! Having finished the closet purge, I was focused on other miscellaneous things that have been taking up space. Now I am on the verge of falling asleep at any given moment, but it was worth it! Now if only I had a box big enough to box all this stuff...

The Great Closet Experiment

I just realized I didn't take any pictures. Good for me...bad for you.

Spending two months in Africa living out of a suitcase is good perspective. I took the largest suitcase I own. One I rarely use, because (ironically) I hate packing a lot of clothes. Even the guys had larger suitcases that I did. I left half of my shirts in Zambia. I left even more clothes in South Africa. Yet, somehow, the suitcase came home full. It boggles my mind! But I digress... those two months were very telling. I had limited clothes. Limited everything really. I had access to buy anything I needed, but only bought what I truly needed *gasp* because I was on a budget. because I was serving the people of Africa. My life wasn't solely wrapped up in my wants and needs.

Coming home I knew I had a lot of clothes. I knew I wanted to get rid of clothes. I knew I wanted to go back to Africa for a year, or more. If you've read my blog you know I am no stranger to closet purges. Yes, somehow, it is possible that I still have that many clothes left.

My initial week back in the country was all about survival. Making it to work. Staying awake on American time. That was it. I wanted to be kind to myself. [Read: I let myself be lazy.] My friend posted on facebook about going through her closet, and though it was something I knew I wanted - and needed - to do yet again, I didn't think I could handle it. [Read: I wasn't sure I would be decisive enough to make any progress.] But it kept nagging. I want to lose weight, so there was the thought that I could focus on losing weight and then revisit the closet. Except the nagging feeling persisted. I thought that maybe the nagging would overwhelm any motivation I had to work out. So I just started....

The place I work implemented a new dress code: only company work wear. Printed polos, etc. When I'm spending 40 hours a week in work clothes - that can only be official work clothes, it drastically reduces the opportunity I will have to wear my other clothes. Insert statistics about people and the fact that 80% of the time we only wear 20% of our wardrobe, etc etc etc. So I just started. [Read: I emptied out all of my drawers and my closet.] My ultimate goal would be to fit all of my wardrobe into one suitcase. Or as much as possible. I don't want to have an entire second wardrobe in storage long term, in the event that I do go back to Africa. I own some beautiful clothes. But they are just clothes. If I don't wear them, there really isn't a reason for me to even keep them. In a way, clothes are like spiritual gifts. [try to stick with me...] We talk so much about spiritual gifts, and how they aren't gifts unless you give them away. If I have the gift of hospitality but I don't use it, it isn't really a gift because no one is benefiting from it. If I don't wear the clothes in my closet, they aren't adding anything to my life. In this case, you can argue that they are detracting from my life. Using up space in my world without anything to show for it. And if I believe my clothes are that beautiful (which I do) but I am not wearing most of them (which I am not) then I should give them away so someone else can have the chance to wear them, right? Right.

So it began. I ruthlessly, quickly sorted through my clothes. Keep. Donate. Toss. Keep. Donate. Toss. I didn't take pictures. Maybe I should have, but I have already taken everything to charity this morning. Before I could question my decisions. Out with the old, in with the...currently owned. I'm not even done. [yikes...] The majority of my clothes are still in limbo, waiting to be put away. After I had delivered the latest conquests from my closet, I wrote a list of criteria the remaining items should meet in order to retain their place in my closet. I'll go through the rest of the clothes as I put them away, or in the next donation pile. Then I have to go through my shoes... And my books, and my 'stuff' ie anything that doesn't fit into a specific category and has yet to be specifically addressed.

Also, as excited as I am about cleaning out my closet - and I am! - it is a big weekend! One of my best friend's is graduating from graduate school today! And the Missionary Ladies are having their annual Spaghetti Dinner (the tastiest spaghetti ever - it's made with love!) And my best friend is coming home this weekend! I haven't seen her for three months!!! Who's excited??? THIS GIRL!!!

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. 2011 ended with a bang, but it was the bad kind. 2012 consisted of me learning how to recover. Looking back, I've been through lots of phases. High school was a blast, and senior year was like a dream. Freshman year of college was an extension of the dream. 2006 ended on a (pathetically) low note, 2007 continued to be more of the same. Recovery and getting by. In early 2009, I made a radical diet lifestyle change. In late 2009, I signed up for and began training for my first half marathon. 2010 was a banner year. And things were good, until 2011 ended with that awful, terrible bang. In a situation that should be in the plot of a lifetime movie, not very real part of my life, I ended a friendship. A friendship that, albeit having toxic undertones, lasted for the better part of 13 years. In the last week it occurred to me: that might be something I will never, truly get over. I can push through it and move on, but can I ever truly forget? Despite all its uneasiness, all the lumps and bumps in the road, 2012 was a generally good year. But don't get me wrong, I am glad it's over.

So here I am: January 6th, 2013. Tomorrow is Russian Orthodox Christmas. The holidays are officially coming to an end and the new year is officially in full swing. Complete with the hustle and bustle of gift returns, budget induced mental breakdowns, and extravagant new years resolutions.

I must confess my own emotional distress over unresolved questions surrounding my Africa trip. I have felt panicked, and preoccupied by worried anticipation. The feeling in your stomach that I lovingly refer to as 'vomtastic.' As Anne Shirley said: "The worst would be more endurable than not knowing at all." But what will be, will be and I just have to have faith that there is a bigger plan.

Of course, I have resolutions. Moreover, I love resolutions. Resolutions are the ultimate to-do list in my mind. I mentioned completing my end of year clean-out, so for the most part, I have nothing left to purge. Nothing left that does not or could not enhance my life. I want to save money. I want to follow a budget. I want to stop putting money, energy, and expectations into things. I want to enjoy what I already have, not chase after things I don't have and don't really need in the first place. I want to actively, purposely tithe what I have been given back to God, both financially and with my time and energy. I want to lose weight. This one is two-fold. I want to be healthy. I don't need to be super skinny, I want to feel powerful. Being able to run without having to take my rescue-inhaler would be nice, too. I want to use my body to glorify God. I don't want it to hold me back, and I don't want to throw away my health. I see my older relatives suffering from diabetes, fibromyalgia, back pain, and being oxygen dependent. These symptoms are perhaps not all directly related to obesity, but are certainly not helped by excess body weight. I also want to control my sweet tooth. Yes, this relates back to the being healthy segment of losing weight, but, for me, it also translates to my second motive: when the going gets rough, I get to the kitchen. Yes, I'm a sometimes-stress-eater. When my sweet tooth is in check, I can pass on stress eating. But recently, when work and life and stress collide, I make a beeline for the sweets. I'd really like to find my refuge in God, and not in sweet snacks. Watch this video, maybe  it will make you think, maybe it won't, but here it is anyway:



 I want to make time for daily devotions. I hope this will help keep my mindset more even and keep everything in perspective - food cravings and otherwise. I also want to blog more, about what I'm learning in my devotions. I want to be less connected. I want to spend less time on the internet. That's not to say that I'm going to opt out of my facebook account, or that I'm going to stop blogging. I just want to stop wasting mindless time on social media. I'm not sure there is a reason to spend purposeful time on facebook... but I want to spend more purposeful time blogging. I'm re-motivated to continue 'cell-free Sundays' but this year I'm calling them 'signed-off Sundays.' My goal is to devote Sunday afternoons to quiet devotions with out my cellphone, facebook, or television in the background. So that's it, those are my new years resolutions. Somehow, I think purging unnecessary possessions from my life was the easy part, but I hope purging unnecessary habits will be more rewarding.

I already mentioned the frantic flurry of new years resolutions. The weight-loss ads, the dating-site ads...all the ads the media bombards us with...  As I was driving to my boyfriend's house yesterday, a woman on the radio was talking about how she feels new years resolutions are useless, and we are all setting ourselves up for failure.I don't know about that, but I know most of the resolution themed ads seem to go about things all the wrong way. I would like to think that my resolutions are centered around my relationship with Christ, and everything will fall into place accordingly. I'd like to think my resolutions are purposefully determined with the right motives. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't. Today is Epiphany on the Christian calendar, where we remember the wise men and their journey to find Jesus. It hit me how the majority of resolutions are all wrong in every way: formation, perspective, and execution. I think of the wise men and their devotion to this single goal of finding Jesus, regardless or in spite of how long it took to get there. They followed a star, that may not have always been easy to discern. They brought gifts for a royal king, who it turns out was just a small child. I wonder if their meeting with Jesus was what they anticipated, or if they were caught off guard by what they found. If we all had just a pinch of that purposeful devotion, how different would our world be?

Today in Church, I was greatly impressed by the prayer of confession:
God of sovereigns and commoners, we confess that we are often more impressed with famous people than we are with your amazing glory. The rules of this earth are more real to us than the One who reigns over time and eternity. Your priorities are not foremost in our lives. We reach for power and popularity more than for justice for the poor. We are more focused on prosperity than on relief for the oppressed. Our pursuits do not satisfy; save us from their fragmenting grip in our lives. Cause a new epiphany among us, we pray. Amen.

How true! How many news headlines are centered around Kim Kardashian (she's having a baby - did you hear?), or Will and Kate? How many Kardashian reality tv shows can there be at one time? When did TMZ become a reputable news source? With all that nonsense, it's no wonder that the rules of the earth overpower the rules of God. Power and popularity do so often come first over justice, and how many people would rather donate money to a cause than actually leave their own comfort zone? No, these pursuits do not satisfy - would our country, with our materialism, debt, and obesity, be such a mess if they did? We are called to be beacon's of hope. Forget about society says for one minute and remember what God says:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. -Micah 6: 8 [NIV]

And because the ultimate reasoning behind new years resolutions is to improve our lives in someway and make us happier. Here is what my Bible translation has to say about happiness:

Hallelujah!
My soul, praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not trust in nobles,
in man, who cannot save.

When his breath leaves him,
he returns to the ground;
on that day his plans die.

Happy is the one whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea and everything in them.
He remains faithful forever, 

executing justice for the exploited
and giving food to the hungry.
The Lord frees prisoners.

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord raises up those who are oppressed.
The Lord loves the righteous.  

The Lord protects foreigners
and helps the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever;
Zion, your God reigns for all generations.
Hallelujah!

-Psalm 146 [HCSB] 

Wishing you all best of luck with your resolutions, whatever they may be, and hoping you all find true happiness for the right reasons!

New Years Eve!!!

I will hopefully have some free time tomorrow to write a proper update on my life. But this will have to suffice for now...

Work has been crazy. This weekend was hectic, but it ended on such a high note! The past week I have been sneaking in some time to do a quick, end of year purge. I started with my closet, where most of my conquests came from, but there were a few other items, too. I was up late last night, later than I should have stayed up, but at the end of the night I had four boxes ready to whisk off to Goodwill before ringing in the new year. Out with the old, in with the new. Of course, I streamlined and reorganized everything else that made the cut. I really feel like I'm starting 2013 with a clean slate. I can spend tonight celebrating with some of the people I love the most, and tomorrow I can finally relax for a few hours. Happy New Years Eve!!! 

  
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come." -2 Corinthians 5:17

Whatever your hand finds to do...

"And I won't be ashamed,
Of the things we once made,
And I won't be coming back
'Round here no more."

Hi blog world! Let me tell you, it has been a busy few weeks!!!

I have (mostly) made a full recovery from the plague.
In the war on clutter: I got rid of possessions that I love. Previously I was getting rid of things I don't love or don't use. This is the harder, but more rewarding step. I love purging so much, that I purged my hair! It's so short I can't even put it in a ponytail!
But, I'm going to put the great purge on hold. I'm going to a) focus on finalizing plans for Africa [prayers please!] and b) taking a mental break. I want to resolve unanswered Africa questions. I want to watch the movies that I have decided are keepers - to determine that they actually are keepers. I want to read books. I want to run on the trail. I want to be a vegetable.

My typical days include going to work, going home and getting on the internet, going to bed and doing it again the next day. I love the internet, but sometimes a girl just needs a break. Yesterday was such a day. It was a very crazy, stressful day at work. I indulged in some convenience food. I took care of sorting some boxes and cleaning up in general. I put away a lot of laundry. I put away my other linens. And if it wasn't something that needed to be dealt with asap, I put it in my closet and closed the door. I'm serious about this purging break. Even if it's a short week or two, I am committed. I think it will help the 'use it or lose it' argument. ie: I have puzzles, but I've never put them together. And other nonsensical things I'm holding onto for no real reason. But the immediate focus will hopefully be Christian living. And I mean actually living, not just talking about what I'd like to do. In theory, even forcing myself to rewatch the Bachelorette episodes so far, and finally giving you my feelings, as promised!

If you read my last entry, you know I'm mourning the loss of my childhood. Two weeks later, I can say that it actually feels kind of awesome. 95% of the things I get rid of I don't miss at all. In fact it made me feel so awesome, I encouraged my boyfriend to do the same. Initially, this didn't go so well. I became that girlfriend; the one who wants to hijack her boyfriends life. In all honesty, I'd just prefer that his stuff didn't hijack his life. Insert boyfriend's friend and you have bad news. Why people insist on holding onto stuff that they will realistically never use, I have no idea. Needless to say, I avoided the friend for a few days, kept my opinions to myself and my boyfriend has since gotten rid of 57 VHS tapes... that's all she wrote! Thankfully my brother is a young man after my own heart! Sunday he asked me to help him, and our youngest brother, clean out their room. True, this was mostly because he is totally ready to get rid of everything and my youngest brother is just not motivated to do so. So while he did have selfish motivation, it was productive. We got rid of a ton of clothes. I was actually driving around with a huge box of their clothes in my car. I was initially planning on taking it to Goodwill. Instead, I ran into my friend Rudy who spearheads a huge bash for local underprivileged children every year. I wanted to talk to him because I have some supplies I finally cleaned out of my desk. The advertised list is kindof minimal, but after talking to Rudy I realized I could donate a lot more to these kids - including my brothers clothes! They advertised the donation of children's clothes: since my brothers are 16 and 18 I don't really consider them 'children', but Rudy reminded me of the obesity problem we have. So now I know where their clothes will be going!

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom." -Ecclesiastes 9:10[NIV]

Time to go continue being productive!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

It's been one year since I revamped my blog! You know what they say: "Time flies when you're having fun!"

This week one of my brothers graduated from high school.
My other brother infected our entire family with the plague.
I've been sick since Tuesday. Very, very sad. So far symptoms have migrated from my head downward. Which means I officially sound weird, and my throat is irritated 99% of the time I'm awake. Lovely. My friend and her husband were sick for two entire weeks. I'm really hoping that my family has caught a different plague!

In my misery, I am unabashedly guzzling Sierra Mist. #1 because I'm a baby when I'm sick. I have no shame; I'll admit it! I don't drink pop/soda any other time, but when I'm sick it (the bubbly, carbonated goodness of Sierra Mist) is the only thing that makes life seem worth living. And #2 because I generally have absolutely no appetite when I'm sick. Sugary beverages aren't ideal, but it keeps the kcal count up!

After several weeks of working overtime and having jam-packed weekends, I feel like I'm winning: I had a day off (albeit it was the beginning of the plague, so arguably time underutilized) and I have a weekend all to myself. My nephews are otherwise occupied; my boyfriend is off celebrating guys weekend. This gives me an excuse to not set foot outside my house, save for work for 6 hrs on Saturday. (Sunday - we will see, right now I feel like if I went to Church I'd just end up coughing and blowing my nose the entire time. Very attractive, and very conducive to worship, obviously. I might have to keep the Sabbath holy from the confines of my bedroom.) Anyway, the light at the end of this miserable tunnel is a) Sierra Mist and b) free time to do whatever I want!

Since I can't breathe to begin with, I figured I might as well clean. Dusting (because I can't breathe anyway), sorting through some books, and old stuff I haven't used in years. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but some point this week, between the Sierra Mist and NyQuil, I mourned the loss of my childhood. I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm single so I am not married and I don't have kids. In short, I go to work and then come home and take care of myself. In short, I have no large responsibilities. I am coming to terms with the fact that all of the "hobbies" and necessary supplies lying stagnant around my room aren't actually hobbies. If I don't make time for them now, there is no way I will make time for them when I'm married, let alone when if I'm raising a family. This brings me to one of my favorite men: Thomas Jefferson, or TJ as I like to call him, because I'm a nerd like that. TJ had some good advice to live by. Moses brought us the 10 Commandments; TJ brought us the 10 Rules of Conduct. Naturally, being the early American History nerd that I am, I have TJ's 10 Rules of Conduct in my room. Imprinted on a mug. (Don't judge me.) I came across the mug as I was dusting and rearranging the bookshelf. Debating the likelihood that I will make myself sit still long enough to read various books and debating if I should just get ready for bed, under the assumption that I will one day beat the plague. Then I saw it. Rule of Conduct #1: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." It worked. I spent 2 more hours cleaning. Well played, TJ.

Now, naturally, there are piles of things to be sorted and boxed. Craft supplies I will never use; school supplies that can be donated to a local mission for underprivileged children. Items that don't enrich my life or hold the meaning they once did; items that I can't picture in "my" (future) house. I've been reading articles about purging clutter from your life; letting go of who you thought you were (and the items that were part of that picture) and embracing who you are (and keeping only the items that enrich that life.) Hopefully the momentum continues. I still have a few problem spots to tackle. And 9 more Rules of Conduct to work through. ;-)

Eeyore

On Sunday our interim minister gave a sermon about the "Eeyore"s in the church. He's been serving as an interim, or supply, minister for 30+ years. Needless to say, he's run into a few Eeyores over the years. His perspective of an "Eeyore" is a person that is an eternal pessimist. He also referred to them as a "stale air" Christian. The people who will always look at what is going wrong in the church, constantly overlooking what is going right. Yes, it is important to be aware of what is going wrong in the church so we can do our best to fix it and grow in Christ. However, we have to remember that our hope is in Christ. We can't focus so much on our shortcomings that we lose our hope. To get back to the point, the minister was trying to convey how ineffective our ministry becomes when we are Eeyore Christians. No one would be attracted to a ministry that is perpetually down and "woe is me" - our message is more potent when we provide the "fresh air": all of the qualities of life that have improved as a result of our walk in Christ.

Needless to say, these last few days I've been in a slump. I'm not sure if I was an Eeyore per say, but I certainly wasn't feeling like myself. Now, there are loads of quotes I could put in now: "Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present" or "There is no time like the present" but my favorite on this topic: "You will never 'find' time for anything. If you want time, you must make it." -Charles Buxton I love that quote. I use it frequently to get myself in gear. Knowing how out of sorts I've felt the last few days, and how much the rest of the work week would increase that disarray, I knew I had to do something drastic. Last night before bed I wrote out a to-do list of all the little things that I needed to accomplish. And I prayed about it, for the energy and the focus to get things done.

I worked on and off, mostly on, for 13 hours. I ignored my cell phone. I didn't turn my computer on until I needed to print out a recipe. I didn't even turn on my TV until I had crossed several items off my list. Even then, it was movies - no commercials and less distraction. (Also, less need to actively watch because I own it on DVD!) I think my boyfriend thought I was dead. (Or that he was in the dog house for unknowingly upsetting me and that I just wasn't talking to him. Either way.)

Thankfully, I had a fantastically productive day! Which, I think is the result of prayer more-so than sheer determination. I moved a few things around with the hope that I would be more diligent (music to transpose, devotional binder, etc) Let's hope that my spirit is renewed and that I will be a more diligent, optimistic, "fresh water" Christian and can have a positive effect on those around me.

"The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied."

-Proverbs 13:4 [ESV]

Solid Ground

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

I've felt quite disoriented lately. It's my fault for a) slipping on my schedule and allowing myself to be lazy and b) I've been so busy lately, my room is a mess. Nothing terrible, but enough little things that combine to seem like a very big thing.

I had a conversation with a friend last week about another friend who has a definite instant gratification problem. The problem of course comes when they have to wait for anything. Heaven forbid! The situation involved an extreme example, but it highlighted how unattractive the trait it. I think there is a difference between going after what you want fervently and pouting when things don't work out the way you wanted as soon as you wanted. The later is what is being displayed in our friend. It conjures snippets of news media and journals discussing how technology, and instant access to everything, has affected the younger generations. [I would be a part of that generation. Except I'm not into keeping up with the latest trends. No smartphones here! but I digress...]

This concept has really been rattling my brain this week. I even watched an episode of The Waltons, because the concept of life before television is the opposite of instant gratification in my mind. When families would listen to a radio for the latest entertainment. Not to mention it was set in the era of the Great Depression so they were lacking lots of things. Throughout the series we would see various children doing whatever they could to make money when they wanted something, a new softball glove, a new dress, a bus ticket, etc etc. Of course that really got my wheels turning. So...my goal for April is to not shop at all, if possible. This leaves me two options: a) write down what I think I "need" and why. if I still feel that way about the item in May, I will work it into my budget. b) think about what I already have on hand that could be used as a reasonable substitute for the time being. [because most of my impulse purchases are a) food or b) stuff I probably already have at home] So we'll see how it goes. You will too, because I hope to blog about it!

I have an acquaintance who is into social/liberal causes. I must admit this plot does seem reminiscent of things I've seen her talk about. The "Ditch The Disposables" Challenge of 2008 and "30 Days of Nothing" Challenge. [Google either if you are curious to know more.] But I'm not trying to change the world, rather I'd like to reevaluate how I see it. So much of our society is material based. Work dress codes and hygiene requirements. Just because you have the latest fashions and impeccable hygiene doesn't mean someone is the best person ever. And being poor, or homeless, doesn't mean that personal is any less worthy. A quote has been on my heart in the recent weeks. I'm not sure where I read it. It's simply saved as a word document on my computer. It is simple, to the point, and true.

"You will never look into the eyes of someone Christ didn't die for" -Mark Moore

I'm not sure where/how I came across it. I have no idea who Mark Moore is. It's just so true and innately compelling. Which leads me to my next point. A hiatus from shopping isn't a bad start, but I want to get back to reality in general. Away from materialism, and away from the technological community (aka all things "social media") that is going on these days. A few weeks ago I was dog sitting for a slightly older couple in their 50s with no children. Just their beloved golden retriever. They have radios and a pretty sweet television, and one computer. With dial-up internet. They actually call people. From their land line.The write letters and go out to catch up with loved ones. It was an amazingly relaxing weekend and I can't help but envy them. They don't suffer from the media overload, and are so laid back as a result. Last week I watched "He's Just Not That Into You." At one point a character named Mary, played by Drew Barrymore, stated it perfectly: "I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting." Dating aside, I think it's definitely valid to say that becoming more "connected" via technology is actually isolating in the real world.

So there you have it. 1) no shopping. make a list, or make do. 2) less social media. more real relationships. April goals in a nutshell. Side projects: working out and running (as always), and working on my green thumb. I went shopping today. (gah, I know - who goes shopping before they give up shopping?! lame...) I picked up a few things at the mall, and then got down to business. I planted seeds a few weeks ago. Let me ask you this: have you ever planted seeds while owning three cats? because, let me tell you, it's an experience. One cat digs up the dirt, one cat eats the plants before they're even mature. [I guess Luke 8 could be read alternately using cats instead of birds, who knew...) So before my no shopping month begins, I thought I should pick up a) a seed starter. I went with the Jiffy professional greenhouse because it's not expensive, but still comes with the plastic cover to hopefully keep the cats out... and b) new seed (of course!) And because the local chain stores don't do so great at keeping plants, I rescued three plants: a red tulip, and two things that I've seen before but don't know by name, because they looked like they were drying to death.

Also, remember my fretting yesterday? Yet again, no one seemed to notice my mistake. I worry far too much about things that are temporal. I have to work on that.

love

What. A. Day.

I'm finally sitting. Drinking tea (duh). Guns N' Roses is on Pandora (huh?) Okay, I love Guns N' Roses, but Pandora went from Jackson 5 to Ben E. King to Guns N' Roses... This is ironic, but if the irony is lost on you, well maybe you're better off that way. I digress...

So it's Valentines Day Weekend. w00t. (yes, I just typed that. don't judge me.) One of my best friends commented to me about not knowing what to get her husband for Valentines Day. [I'm not exactly sure how I can help with that... especially considering relationships avoid me. like the plague.] Now Heart is on Pandora... the irony continues! (Heart is too much, new song!) Of course, it's February. It's kind of hard not to think about love. Merriam-Webster lists nine definitions for love as a noun, and four for love as a verb. [I am the kind of person who wants to know exactly what something means, also considering appropriate context.] The last 24 hours were an expedition in love. I watched the entire first seasons of The Hills and Laguna Beach. I cherish these shows mostly out of nostalgic value. Also, I love television that doesn't acquire 100% attention so there is something on the screen to entertain me, but I can actually focus my attention on more productive endeavors.

My current MO has been "When in doubt, throw it out!" Today my chief interest was cleaning out my wardrobe. This consists of my closet, my standing closet, and my dresser. I'm a girly girl. I love clothes. I own more clothes than is probably necessary. When I have the time to clean out my wardrobe, I like to make the most of it. I empty everything. I especially try to rationalize letting go of pieces that I really don't want to let go of. Today was definitely a success. I got rid of lots of clothes and rearranged everything that was left. I love getting rid of more than you think is necessary. It provides you so much extra room and easy access to everything that is left. I filled about 1.5 boxes to take to Goodwill. (Believe me, I am desperately thinking of what to purge next so I can fill up that second box!) In the past week I've gotten rid of even more stuff and rearranged everything else. My room is really starting to look different - in the best way.

The closet purge has been on my mind. I'm limited in what I can wear to work (basically only things with the company logo). This is really starting to wear me down. Since I spend my work day not feeling so pretty, I like to look more feminine when I'm not working. I've even started painting my nails again. I can't wait until the weather starts to warm up and I can start wearing light patterned tops under cardigans! Not to mention I love the sense of accomplishment I get checking tasks off of my to-do list! Doing things that I consider part of "self-love", and how much they improved my mood, got me thinking about ways I can show love to others. You know, short of running down the street proclaiming "I Love You". Pinterest got me again. Example #1:

This might be the to-do list to end all to-do lists. What a challenge! I tend to know myself pretty well. I also know how to communicate fairly well; however, whether I choose to is another matter entirely. Still, looking at this list makes me second-guess every communication segment I've seen on The Today Show for... as long as I've been watching The Today Show. Here's example #2(another challenge!):

I definitely relate to this on both sides. Like I said, I think I am pretty effective in how I communicate but these days I seem to be choosing not to communicate. I admit this must be pretty frustrating. On the other hand, from my perspective, it seems pointless to communicate when I don't perceive actions that warrant that communication. Definitely something to think about... [Hold that thought!: Segue to future post]