The Meaning of True Love

I've spent the last two weekends with my boyfriend. We went camping with his friends over the fourth, then had a day away to ourselves this past weekend. I was talking to him last night. He's too observant, because I'm trying to be reserved, minimize my feelings and take things slow. He teases me because he says I can't hide my feelings when I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I try desperately to ignore my feelings. To hide them.

Because I've been in uncomfortable relationships when guys couldn't read my emotions.
Or worse, didn't even bother to try.

Because I didn't want to be a burden. Their emotional unavailability made me feel like I was a burden to them. So I ignored them and shut up.

Admitting my emotions and being emotionally vulnerable scares me. Because I've been let down in the past. Because I've been made to feel like a burden. But through God's grace, I've met a godly man who has a heart for Africa, patience, and is amazingly good at reading my body-language.

It's scary, but I guess I have to face those fears. I'm happy to do it with the man who just might be God's best for me, who loves me as a reflection of Christ's love for the church. Who cares for me tenderly through tenderhearted affection and also edifying rebuke. That just might be true love.

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

- 2 Timothy 1:7 [ESV]

People More Than Things

I have a dear friend who loves to say People More Than Things. as encouragement, as a motto, as a reminder. People, and relationships, are more important than things.

But tough times right now are reminding me to say God Even More Than People. Sometimes I don't understand people. Some people don't want to be understood and they make it very hard. It's hard to blindly love people. We want to put up walls, and build barriers. We don't like being vulnerable. We also do not like admitting that we might be wrong.

Me? I have no idea what I'm doing. I freely admit that I could be wrong. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. Grieving is like that. On top of living in America when my heart is in Africa, on top of my heart breaking for the orphans - who didn't deserve to be orphaned anymore than I deserve to be born in America - while everyone else is worried with Black Friday and New Years Resolutions and yadda yadda yadda... On top of every battle between my head and my heart, I am grieving the loss of my father. My body grieves. My memory has gone from impressive to embarrassing. It's like early onset Alzheimer's or something. I am constantly forgetting or misplacing something. I will walk to do something and forget what I was about to do. I feel like a crazy person because sometimes I feel completely normal, then suddenly I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.

Then there are the people we love who make poor decisions. I don't know who is right. I cannot discern the truth. It's not really up to me to discern the truth, but somehow we always feel pressured to come to a conclusion. Make a decision, don't sit on the fence! But our hearts are wicked and our tongues are deceitful. I cannot discern the truth from humans. I must discern the truth from the Lord. Because He is truth.

Fall

Holy 7 Months Batman! Sorry about that...

I can't believe IT'S SEPTEMBER. HOW did that happen??!!

Let's see. Last winter was miserably cold. Dealing with leaving my home church was awful. Dealing with my new church was great. Africa stuff is evolving in suprising ways. No plans to rellocate permanently, I'm staying involved stateside! Church went downhill. Some people at church became persistent, which annoyed me, so I left. Summer was uneventful, that is, until my dad died.

God is still sovereign. He is still good.

Work with Africa is still good. The US office is evolving, changing. It's challenging me in terrifying ways, pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I'm loving every minute. I've had two skype meetings this week, one more to go. I'm going back to Africa in 2015. It will be a short and sweet trip. I am blessed.

And love? You'll have to wait to hear the verdict on that one, but I feel like I just might be on to something.

So here's to fall. To leaves and pumpkins and hot chocolate. To cool days snuggled up with a movie or book. To traveling for the Africa org, and for once a year to have the chance of being with each other in person. To celebrating the past while still being open to make new memories. To life and love.

The Great Staycation of 2014

This post was written January 18th, the beginning of the staycation. after spending a week in the snow, and the chicken coop, I'm just now sitting down to publish it:


What a year it has been! 2013 was full of twists and turns. It ended with some serious revelations that led to 2014 starting off with a big bang! December 29th I was home with a case of pink eye, debating my fate. January 5th I was attending a new (to me) church for the first time and on January 12th I was telling my former Pastor that I had found a new home. January 13th I officially resigned from my responsibilities as a church deacon.

Then, to be frank, all hell broke loose. I hadn't discussed the individual details of my decision with my pastor. #1 I didn't think she'd really understand and #2 at that point it didn't matter. God had called me elsewhere, so I was going elsewhere. But unbeknownst to me, my father was telling the board of elders exactly why I was leaving and leaving no holds barred. It was a difficult discussion I am sure. I was grateful that my father would support me, but I had mixed feelings about how he approached the elders. I hadn't wanted to start drama and I did not relish the idea of being at the center of such a conflict. I cried many, many tears. It broke my heart, but ultimately I felt bad for how things came to light. I did not regret that they knew the truth and did not apologize for my beliefs. Today, January 18th, I met with my pastor one more time to clear the air.

Now here I sit, alone in a house. Just me, myself, and I. And three cats. It is a quiet house outside of town. I do not have access to the internet and only recently figured out how to work their television.  Finding a new church home has been amazing, but leaving my last church home has been exhausting. These last few weeks have been very difficult, so it's fitting that I was already scheduled to house sit for this family. I'm sitting here with a cup of hot tea, snuggled under blankets and with a cat purring on my lap. No internet, no television, no distraction. God's timing is amazing! I already feel myself becoming more calm, my energy slowly being renewed.

Another example of God's impeccable timing is this: my father confronted the elders about my decision on the evening of January 13th. The watchword for 2014 was released (via facebook) the morning of January 14th (EST.) I was originally scheduled off that day, but as soon as Ashley and I had a chance to talk to each other about the watchword and how perfect it was, I was called in to work for my manager who was feeling ill. That meant that instead of sitting at home alone all day, agonizing over everything that happened the night before, I went in to work and kept busy all day, and mostly kept my mind from wandering to the topic of church! God is so good!

I have thought about the possibility of leaving my home church for years. I knew it would happen one day, and I knew that when it happened I would go out with a bang. I wasn't prepared for the inner struggle that it would cause, nor did I realize just how big of a bang I would cause... Thankfully God has placed amazing people in my life who were able to give me appropriate counsel. Who patiently listened to my heart, even when some of them weren't sure why I was so bothered in the first place. The mistakes of my home church were extensive, but, red flags or not, I ached. Before I made the decision, I read article after article, and listened to sound bytes of the most respected ministers of the day discussing the subject of when, why and how to leave a church. I listened to videos of George, because I thought if I could just hear his voice that something would resonate within me. One of Lynn's talks kept coming to mind, and in my moment of doubt Ashley reminded me of his words again. I was at my lowest low. I knew I was doing the right thing - and I knew that this was the part of my journey where God would have to carry me until I found my feet again.

I have come so far this week. I feel at such peace at this moment in my journey. The last year is hard for me to imagine. I have traveled millions of theoretical miles. I'm not sure I even remember the girl that boarded that plane to Africa - I've changed so much since then. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this year! I have already found a new church that is awesome. I feel like I am in exactly the right place, and it is as close to being in Africa as I will get until I am back in Africa! the kingdom culture is all there, and the community is awesome. I am loving having a group of people my age to hangout with. Last Sunday we all got together for pizza and a movie, it was so nice! God is doing exciting things with my life, and I am willing! I am so blessed!



Now back to the present...

Here I sit. This time in my own room with my own cat.  The past week, in the snow and the coop, has been good, but tiring. We got more snow today, so it was a quiet day at work. I came home, feeling a little out of sorts. My home church already cancelled services for tomorrow because of the snow. As far as I know, my church is still meeting. I hope so. I always feel better and encouraged when I am worshiping with the members there. They really have been so kind and thoughtful, giving me encouragement these past few weeks. I've shed more tears. My heart is pulled in two directions. I know which way I'm going to go, but it still makes me sad. I have to choose to move forward every day, even if it's just one step. One day I'll look back and clearly see God's plan at this point in my life. I will see how far I have come, even when I felt like I was moving at a snails pace. One day it will be revealed for His glory. Until then I take things one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. I can't see the blueprint, but I know the project is worthy!

Happy New Year!!!

Here I sit. Very different from the girl that began the year of 2013. My personality is different. My room is drastically different.  And my heart. My heart is so very, very different. I barely remember that girl.

I have had quite a lazy day. My family admittedly does not do anything too exciting on New Year's Day. We all do our own thing mostly. I cleaned up a few things, drank some wine (the last I will drink, but more on that later), took a nap and watched the Lord of the Rings movies on TNT. This was after I started my morning off by taking note of a few financial things and ordering some after-Christmas things for my brother. I was managing my finances for a "before and after" of sorts. I do not know when God might choose to call me back to Africa, but I intend to be a good steward of my blessings until then so I can be ready. This year I have chosen to add additional metrics to my budget so I can see progress I've made (hopefully) more plainly. It is, admittedly, somewhat depressing. Looking at income compared to debt in it's most basic form. I did not compare it to where I started out last year, which I should have, but this new metric will allow me to note my progress more easily in the new year.

Physical possessions, and my perception of them, have been a huge change this year. Starting off last January when I started gathering things to pack for Africa and found out how much one suitcase can hold. From there, it was certainly very easy to let go of many of my clothes. Despite what media of the American retail industry has fed us, you can find countless articles on just how little clothing we wear. Common statistics suggest we wear 20% of our wardrobe 80% of the time. This made it so easy for me to let go of more clothes. Anything that didn't fit my body correctly or I wasn't completely in love with went to the Salvation Army. I now have one wire shelving unit to store my clothing. I can see exactly what, and how much, I have. Seeing this on a daily basis I am reminded of how blessed I am. I do not need more clothes. I could use some new shoes, but when I went shopping last weekend I struggled to find a pair I loved that was at a price I could justify. I have my old pair of running shoes that I use for casual sneakers now. They are three years old and have acquired a few holes in that time. I also have a pair of snow boots with zippers, but the zipper on my left boot has broken. I can still wear them without fastening the zipper, and although that is somewhat uncomfortable -leading to extra stress on my shins, I have been making due. After living in Africa, I find it hard to justify spending money on something new when I have something that is not perfect but works well enough. There are other things, coats mostly, that are too large for me. I will eventually find more fitted items and donate these ones to charity. I know I will have to buy something new eventually, and I know others may benefit by the items I replace, but it is still a struggle of the heart. It's a good struggle. It means my heart longs more for God than it does to goods of this world, and for that I am grateful!

It is hard for my heart to imagine what God will teach me in the upcoming year, or where He might lead me next. Over the last ten years I have encountered such struggles. Mountains so high and valleys so low. Yet they somehow pale in comparison to the lessons I have learned over the course of 2013. Even more remarkable, while I learned many important lessons while I was living abroad, the most significant changes happened after the fact. When I had returned home, and was working non-stop while living under my parents roof. When things in my life seemed anything but remarkable. That is when God did the most work in my heart. Breaking me to the point that I had no argument left. My life is so tainted by this world, not at all what it should be, and God is so good. He is breaking me so that He can fix me. So that He can make me stronger, better for Him. So I might rely only on Him for my blessings, my happiness. For so long I was struggling with the concept of my possessions, my stuff. What security I found in it and what I would be without it. This last year, and this last month especially, God has challenged me again and again to choose Him over anything else. Some of the most difficult decisions still lie ahead, waiting to be acted on, but I do not fear. I know God is sovereign and will lead me through whatever trials might come my way.

When faced with a new chapter, I do not know what changes I can accomplish in 30 days. I do not know how they may affect my life, and whether they will be immediately revealed to be good or bad. I know they must happen, and I welcome them. I want to leave the past in the past.

'When I was a child,
I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man,
I put aside childish things.'

-1 Corinthians 13:11 [HCSB]

I am not good at leaving the past in the past. I think of it often and with fond memories. Other memories are more painful, and still they hold my attention like a moth to a flame. I must learn to let go of the past, to focus on what God is teaching me know, and to allow Him to prepare my heart for His good plan. I know this will not be easy for me, I know it will require perseverance and a will that is not my own. I know I will fail many times before I make any noticeable strides. 

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.' -2 Corinthians 5:17

I love reading books, but it is time to read the next chapter.

The thing you aren't supposed to say

In certain areas of my life I am thriving! In other areas - in the important areas, I have been settling. In my Christian walk, and in my love life, I have been settling.

First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.

I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.

I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.

I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.

Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.

Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.

These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.

One.

One year. Since an argument that was a catalyst for everything that happened these last twelve months. Since I found out who else was in the February intake: the seven people I would be spending my time in Africa with. Fast forward to South Africa, a breakup, Zambia, my best friends wedding, job advancement, traveling to Wisconsin to be with the Hands USA Family, and growing accustomed to a constant state of change. What a crazy year it has been!

For the first time in a few weeks, I finally have time to just "be." As always, I'm feeling unsettled. My Christmas trees are up and my Advent wreath is ready, but aside from that my room is a mess. I wish I could have an extended amount of time to hole up in my room. To take the time to put everything in it's proper place, and to get my head on straight. I feel immensely grateful for this year: for everything that has happened, both the ups and the downs, but I must admit I feel very drained. I'm always unsure. Was I too bold? Too honest? Did I say too much, or not enough? Are my motives understood or misinterpreted? This fire is also fueled by the work I do, under a constant spotlight of coworkers, not to mention constant critique from our customers. And I have memorized some of our medications at the corresponding cells in our robot. Proof I work too much and need to get out more.

A few weeks ago, I did get a chance to break out of the work bubble. I went to dinner and coffee with a dear friend that I hadn't seen all summer. It was a truly great time, I hadn't laughed that much in months! Since then I have been busy with work, Church, Youth Group, meetings, and getting ready for the holidays. I have squeezed in a couple visits to my brother's in Pittsburgh. It is an easy drive, but with traffic I always find it to be tiring. By the time I get home and pull in the driveway, I can feel the tension in my shoulders and I am ready for bed! We took them to the Zoo earlier this month; I made one trip when my nephews were with their mom, and one other when they were around and I had a day off from work. They are my favorite boys and they light up my life! Since my last visit, I have been busy prepping my Christmas presents for them. I have wrapped most of what I had, aside from the clothes (because more are coming) and stocking-stuffers. I still have a few more presents for them coming in the mail.

My other hobbies as of late have included watching old movies I have on DVD, balancing my budget and attempting to be a responsible adult, and of course drinking my weight in hot chocolate on a daily basis. I make my own from scratch: the stuff is worth being savored! And, in case you missed it, yes I did mention earlier that my Christmas tree is decorated. Naturally, since that bit is taken care of, I have been giving some serious thought to another favorite holiday tradition: New Years Resolutions. I know,  I am an over-achiever and make the rest of you look bad, I know - my co-workers tell me this all the time! But there is just something so romantic about the possibility of having a clean slate, a fresh start. And really, I don't ski - what else do you expect me to do with my time for the cold winter months prior to spring. (When I'm not drinking hot chocolate, obviously.) Nothing on my resolutions list is crazy or unpredictable. This is not a complete list, but here are a few of my goals: Run more, pack my lunch everyday for work (takeout is too expensive to inhale on a lunch break alone, it should be savored in the presence of good company), drink more water, spend money more wisely (save more), spend more time intently engaging with friends and family, keeping TV to a minimum if watched at all, and relearning German. I don't know if that is the appropriate term, and I imagine it will start coming back to me. (I studied German for 6.5 years beginning in the sixth grade.) For whatever reason, I got into the German one today. It's been on my wish list forever, probably since I stopped taking classes and actively studying it. I changed my Facebook account language to German, so I will see it everyday, and I rewrote out everything in my to-do notebook in German. (day of the week, date, month, work schedule and anything else currently on my calendar) I also have a German translation of the New Testament. My extended family tend to always have their own gatherings for holidays, so aside from my nephews the holidays are fairly quiet. A few gatherings with friends here and there, but I am hoping I will have enough time over the next month to tie up loose ends and pending projects so I can actually start the new year refreshed with a clear head.

All in all, I am blessed. I am aware of my blessings, and I feel more whole than I have in quite some time. I want to savor this next month, because I know as fast as it will go, the following three chilly months will drag on...

Happy Thanksgiving to all my loved ones near and far!

What I've been up to: 200th post and embrace change

When did October get here? Oh yeah, yesterday...

and btw this is my 200th post (well, my 200th since deleting my whole blog and starting over... but it's the little things in life)

I have told myself that I have been embracing change since coming home. I want to live a different life and I want to live a life open, and ready, to return to Africa if given the chance. So while I have been going through all of my material things and letting go, God has upped the anti. I will be the first to admit: I never replace technology. I have had the same television since 1996. Yes, I watch it - although I haven't been watching as much recently, and yes it still works! No static or discoloration. And I have the same VHS/DVD player that I have had since 2002. It is starting to be finicky. Sometimes it won't accept tapes or DVDs to play, and sometimes it will even turn itself off during the opening ads! But the oldest is my stereo/cassette tape/CD player, which I have had since sometime before I even had the television. The radio still works, as does the tape deck, but in the last two weeks, as I was watching less TV and listening to more CDs, the CD deck decided to stop working. So I decided to box up all my CDs and put them away in my closet. The box ended up sitting out for a day because the box wasn't quite big enough to fit them all in, it was honestly just 2 or 3 items over, but that was enough to bug me. I left it sitting out and in the next day or so I cracked and decided to see how many could be sold. Because if I move to Africa, what good will a old pile of CDs be? Especially in the age of Pandora, Youtube, iTunes/iPods... Embrace change. I really haven't been watching much TV or movies. I plan on doing the same thing with my DVDs, there are some, that I love so much or that are hard to find, that I will keep for now. The rest I will try to sell. Because I don't really need them. Because I need to embrace change.

Most recently, I've been having some tank issues. With my fish tank. Some people may not know, or may have forgotten, but I have had an aquarium for the last 8 years. I have had the same fish for the last 8 years. I recently picked up a few new ones though, and I'm not sure if it was the new fish or something else, but my tank became comprimised by a disease. Despite treating the tank, the fish didn't make it - I'm left with two snails that were moved into a smaller aquarium. I thought about getting new fish, but my heart longs for Africa and if I go back, it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect someone else to take care of my fish. I lucked out on the last trip because my catfish were so low maintenance, but if I got new fish they'd be different. As cute and fun as fish can be, I have to empty the tank and let it go. Move on to something new. Prepare my life for the possibility of Africa. Embrace change. The Bible talks about letting go of the past, of leaving our childish ways behind. I need to challege myself to live as God wants me to live, not as I want to live. My aquarium may bring me short-lived joy, but it distracts me from the world outside my house and does not aid my walk with Christ.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14 [ESV]


Let go of the past. Embrace change. You all know this started with clothes. My closet and dresser bursting with options. So many options that I didn't know my options. And a simple question: "Who would I be without (all of) my clothes?" The clothes went out the door. To various charities where they could be passed on to those in need. And my bookshelves, overflowing with text books and novels. Asking myself when the last time I read this was, and would I read it if I had the time? And so the books went to charity. The novels and fiction and childrens stories anyway. Some of the text books did, others I held on to. Over the last three years, I had held on to my college text books. I hadn't opened them, or even glanced at them. Yet the took up a large amount of space. An entire row on my bookshelf. The nagging question again: "Who would I be without my textbooks?" and even worse "Why am I keeping them? What sense of security can I find in a book?" But I did. I was a person in their twenties who has for most of my life done 'the right thing.' I have done what was expected. I got good grades in high school. Went on to college and studied diligently. So much of my identity in my young life was wrapped around my academic career. Despite working full time the last three years, I was still clinging to those books. Despite the fact that grad school isn't a realistic option at the moment. Despite that, even if it was, I would go into a slightly different focus. Much internal debate ensued. While I was selling my CDs last week, I sold the books as well.

So here I am. Slowly, so very slowly, turning my back on the ways of the world. Realizing my worth, my security is not in material things. My security must be in Christ alone, because He is the only thing in the world that does not change. As Lynn put it, I need to stop holding on to my life so tightly. I need to remember that it's not really mine. In a way I'm scared, because after letting go of the 'big three' (textbooks, CDs and fishtank) only God knows what I'll get rid of next. I don't want to own a ton of material things that limit my potential. I want a life that I can fit in a suitcase. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with the disciples. I mean really fascinated. I would sit for hours thinking about what they did, about what it would really be like to follow that call: to get rid of all your possessions and leave everything you knew to follow Jesus. I'm open for the possibility. I want the possibility, but it can still be overwhelming to consider. I'm not sure I really can consider it. So instead, I sell my CDs and empty my fishtank and hope that when Jesus calls I'll be ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

A Healing Heart

Last night I couldn't sleep. my heart was breaking. I had spent the weekend celebrating my best friend's wedding. the mother of the bride left the rehearsal dinner because the bows for the seat covers at the reception came in the wrong color. I never understood the materialization of contemporary weddings in Westernized countries, but after going to Africa...it's even more perplexing to me. for all the planning and decoration, why wasn't the reception more enjoyable? if all this stuff was to make the bride happy, why wasn't it ensuring happiness for the rest of us? while I had a great time dancing with the friends and family of the bride and groom, the moment I stopped the hollow feeling would return. Finally last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss Africa. I miss speaking in Bemba. I miss having someone to speak in Bemba too. I miss being around people who took the time to really try to understand you and your feelings and help you understand how to use those feelings to grow. I miss being around people who understand what it is to live with so little, and the fact that it isn't so hard/difficult/miserable/impossible as western culture would have us believe.

I know God will use these feelings for something, so I give thanks for that, but I don't know where I'm going next, and that is the hardest part.

she can't help but love him

She drives down on Sunset
With the windows down
Just so she can let it in
She knows he's far-gone now
But there still are pieces
Pieces there still left of him

He uses love like a bullet from a gun
She's careful like a surgeon
Everywhere he goes they all know to run
But she can't help but love him
Love him

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

My Heart is Breaking...

My heart is breaking in the most painful, most unexpected way.

I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.

My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.

Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.

My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.

It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.

It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.

Growing Pains and Growth

Well here is the hard part.

Today was an absolutely beautiful 70 degree day here in Western PA. I pulled back my curtains and opened my windows. I did manage to do my laundry, and pull out a few things I need to get rid of after my breakup, but not much else. I have no energy or motivation. And now I am thoroughly enjoying a spring thunderstorm. My windows are still open, so I'm hopeless now. Cool breeze coming in and the sound of the rain. Perfection. I should sleep amazingly well tonight, if nothing else. That is the silver lining I suppose. I won't get a thing done, but I'll rest exceptionally well. Maybe that's what I need: an evening of absolutely nothing. Of just being.

I am not good at just being. Of just sitting. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm avoiding something that I should be doing. Normally the only one dictating what I should be doing is me though. I will come up with things that I should be doing, probably just because I feel like I need to be doing. I was better about doing 'nothing' when I was in Africa. Maybe because I was out of my usual parameters, and there wasn't a lot that needed to be done, in terms of things around the house, etc. And here I am: back at home, back to my old habits. I want to strive to keep some habits from Africa though. One of the habits I will strive for is the schedule:

-Monday morning: Morning Prayer (and Mens Prayer, but that's not relevant to me)
-Tuesday morning: Ladies Prayer
-Wednesday morning: Small Group
-Thursday morning: nothing!
-Friday morning: Digging Deeper/Hands on Deck/Word & Worship/Valley Prayer/Village Prayer...(it rotates)

SO, while I am still trying to figure out how to continue this schedule by myself, I know what will fill my Tuesday slot. My intention is to devote an hour on Tuesdays reading The Resolution for Women. I bought it awhile ago. I even started reading it once, but didn't get far. It's just been sitting on my bookshelf. Waiting. I'm not sure exactly what I think about it, I mostly bought it on a whim. My hope is that, if nothing else, it will be thought provoking. That it will challenge my perspective of myself and the world around me, and help me grow. I'm not sure how quickly, or slowly, I will get through it. It could really go either way: it might be a simple and straightforward quick read or it might be something that I spend time digesting after each chapter. Only time will tell, but either way I have several other books to read once I've finished that one.

Here I sit. Still listening to the rain and feeling amazingly relaxed. Or maybe I'm just tired. Either way, today, I'll take it.

Lesson #1

Lesson #1: Never laugh at a Nigerian who is trying to tell you something...

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.

Last Hours

I'm down to my last hours in Africa.

Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.

After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.

After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.

I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV] 

I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real. 

I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.

So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home. 

I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.

But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family. 

But first...

Acts 26

New International Version (NIV)

26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”

So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: ² “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, ³ and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.
⁴ “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. ⁵ They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. ⁶ And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. ⁷ This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. ⁸ Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
⁹ “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. ¹⁰ And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. ¹¹ Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
¹² “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. ¹³ About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. ¹⁴ We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,^[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
¹⁵ “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. ¹⁶ ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. ¹⁷ I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them ¹⁸ to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
¹⁹ “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. ²⁰ First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. ²¹ That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. ²² But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— ²³ that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
²⁴ At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
²⁵ “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. ²⁶ The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. ²⁷ King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
²⁸ Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
²⁹ Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
³⁰ The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. ³¹ After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
³² Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”

Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It

Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me

Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.

Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.

I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post.  It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!

South Africa

I am back in South Africa!!!

It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!

It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...

Life in Kitwe

okay so my update didn't come quite so soon...

Kitwe is amazing! I live in a guest house in a room by myself, but there are four other tenants who live there. The communities, care workers and children are absolutely amazing. I do have a functioning television. I do not have internet access, hence the lack of updates.

For the weekend I am back at Kachele with two of the guys from my intake. We went out in Luanshya today to do some shopping and go out for lunch. It was really fun. Aside from that we played with Tawonga most of the day. It was really good. I'm feeling slightly disjointed; it's odd knowing this will be the last weekend I'm here at the farm in Zambia. I have been in Africa so long. Well, it feels like I've been here so long, but in reality I've been here just six weeks. I'm not exactly sure how I will actually feel when I am on American soil again. It will be a major adjustment, leaving Africa and everyone I have met here, everything I have done here. It's definitely causing some conflicting emotions, but I know it will be alright. As Alicia, my roommate in South Africa, would say: "it will all shake out" and another one: "life's a kick in the pants" but really, I'm trying to focus on the "it will all shake out" sentiment.

I am trying to remind myself to enjoy the season God has brought me to, for however long it lasts. I am trying to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions in my life. Thankfully, God still used them to bring me to a better place. I have to accept the fact that I make all the wrong decisions and very nearly made a mockery of my own life, and that I don't know best. I don't know what is best, I don't make the best decisions and at this point I basically have to throw up my hands and wait for God to lead me. And I am not patient. I don't like being patient and I'm not good at it. Lynn says that is important. That we embrace the uncomfortable moments. That we allow them to be periods where God molds us for what is next. I will let it happen, but I won't enjoy it. Not intrinsically. I guess I'm a control freak. I would also hazard to guess that is part of the problem. I am so impatient. I am definitely a victim of the instant gratification society. I also realize the six of the last seven sentences, including this one, is all about me. That is also the problem. It's not about me. It shouldn't be about me. I am temporal and insignificant and my life is meaningless without the existence of something bigger. Something bigger as in God. And that is the point, but it is still a hard pill to swallow. Despite how much we say we love Jesus, and how we strive to be Christ-like, we are still such self-serving creatures.

I hope to return to Africa for a longer stay. I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm not sure what that would look like in my mind compared to what God might have planned. I realize if I come back to Africa it will have to be on God's terms and not on my preconceived terms. Even when we realize that God is going to use us, and are in favor of that and willing to pursue that, it is still a challenge to completely set aside the mindset of self. To completely sacrifice our selfish ideas and motives. I don't know if I can successfully do that, but I know it is something I must strive for. The test will be when I land, walk off the plane, after being taken out of my African support system and left to my own devices. It will be an adventure. Probably a disaster... but an adventure none the less...

Broken Record

It's been another intense day in Africa. I'm not sure exactly how to convey my thoughts most effectively, but I'll give it a go anyway...

The last month has definitely been trial by fire, and I am feeling the heat. I can't begin to express how awesome my experience has been thus far, but it's also been kind of rough. I mentioned in my last post about how I hate filtering myself. That is very true, but ironically, I also hate incessantly harping on the same topic, especially if it is ultimately inconsequential. This brings me to the demise of my relationship. Quite frankly there are things about the situation that thoroughly piss me off - and that is putting it nicely. But I don't want to keep talking about it. I don't want to be that girl. It's done and it's over. If anything, I just have this remaining excess emotional energy that I need to vent off. Like aftershocks following a massive earthquake. But I don't want to seem like I'm obsessing over the relationship, because truthfully I'm not. I guess I'm just full of hot air, so to speak, for better or worse. This is compounded by being questioned by people, some of whom present questions more gracefully than others.

I am lucky that my housemates, for lack of a better word, have been so gracious. Amazingly so. I went on a walk outside the compound with Alicia and Russell today. It was really nice to just do something out of the ordinary. It was actually the first time I've been outside on foot. Anyway, Alicia has been really amazing throughout the whole ordeal. She's always asking if I'm okay, how I'm processing the situation. Today was more of the same. She asked how I've been handling it, if I feel like I've been able to handle it while dealing with everything else we see here in community. Ironically, she says that she feels like I don't talk about it that much. That was mildly flabbergasting because I feel like I've talked about it far too much. Like I'm a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same line. I feel like I have so much pent up energy, and the emotions are all confined to my head, so perhaps I just perceive the topic as being much more pervasive than it actually is. I think that makes sense and would be a rational explanation.

I think the other thing I've been dealing with is the fact that living in community highlights areas where my character is struggling. Again, I don't know if these issues are perceived by my housemates, but I notice. I will respond to a certain situation a certain way, only to realize after the fact that I'm a terrible person. Saying I'm a terrible person might be slightly melodramatic, but there are examples where I just see flaws in my character. It's really frustrating, but it's also exciting. For the most part, I'm guessing my housemates don't notice in the first place or, even if they do, don't dwell on the incident. Just little things mostly. It's encouraging because I am a Christian, and I truly felt convicted that I was not meant to continue the relationship with my boyfriend. I felt convicted that that was something I needed to release to God, and trust in His plan for me - even though I have no idea where that will lead me next. The relationship had become an idol in my heart, so now that I have relinquished that to God, I am noticing these situations that highlight my character flaws. I always initially take it as a punch to the gut, like 'oh, I can't believe I responded that way. I feel like a terrible person", etc, but once I think through it, I always feel convicted that it is merely a lesson I am meant to learn. I have been removed from all of my normal, familiar parameters so it is the perfect time for God to mold me into whatever He wants me to be. Or at least a great circumstance to jump start the process. I truly believe that is what God is doing in my life. It's encouraging, yet it's exhausting. I feel like it's something new everyday. Trial by fire. As draining as it can be, I'm also really excited to see what God has in store for me next. I've let go of so many things since being here, at some point I will see the fruit of my labor.

At this point, I am really tired and I just hope this makes sense to some degree. Rooms is watching 'The Princess and The Frog' again so that is my cue to pass out. Good night world wide web!