Why Worry

 Last night I spent the evening with my little man. I fed him some broth, until I discovered that he will just keep eating. Like a catfish. I don't know if little ones worry about food security, after all his mom was just on the couch - still in eyesight, but he ate and ate and ate. He nursed shortly after I fed him the broth, and he ate until he spit up, probably because there was no more room in his little stomach. Our miniature glutton... Insert joy of returning messy babies to their biological parents, lol!

Then we have Lindsay Lohan, who is probably going to jail. Again. For not doing what most of society probably considers to be reasonable tasks after her legal history: community service, psychological counseling, and a Shoplifters Anonymous course. Of course she's been in this legal do-se-do since 2007 and served a mere 14 days of her last jail sentence. Obviously she's gotten away with it without severe ramifications so far; who needs accountability?

Babies that eat as if it's their last meal. Adults who ignore punishment because others enable them too. It's a problem across the board - in the world, and in the Church. The Church I've grown up in focuses so much on the "do not judge" mentality. [Matthew 7:1-6] It's one thing to strive to not cast harsh judgments, but it's another thing to have no accountability. I got into a debate about this with my high school students a few weeks ago. Good times right?

Baby catfish. Lindsay Lohan and lost accountability. Are you still with me?

As for me? My current, blatant, shortcoming is worry. Somewhere after seeing the baby I've started to affectionally call "catfish" and before reading the latest on the saga of Lindsay Lohan, I attempted to *ahem* plan out some details for this whole Africa deal. That went really well, friends... I think all I did was give myself an anxiety attack. Wondering if I still have enough time. Wondering how on earth "I" can pull it together. Yet still knowing that "I" will not be "pulling" anything together. "If God brings me to it, HE will bring me through it." All that jazz... I even took a shower in an attempt to wind down a bit. No dice. Needless to say, I laid in bed for an hour and a half before even falling asleep. I said the Lord's prayer three times. [I'm not sure precisely when the habit started. I'm pretty sure it involved a dentist's visit without Novocaine...] I tried my best to quote Matthew 6:25-34 by memory. When I went to Church camp I remember one of my cabin-mates making up a rhyme to memorize it. Unfortunately I can't remember the tune, or the entire scripture, but at least I memorized the important points. Either way, the Lord's prayer works much better. I find it works best if you actually are cognizant of the words you're praying. "Thy will be done" "Thine is the kingdom" Good stuff. Still almost two hours before I could sleep though. Now I get to go to work. Nothing like working almost double the amount of hours you've slept, am I right?

  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

    “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:25-34

Good Things

Yesterday I had the day off. For the record, I also had last Monday off. I know what you're thinking: "Jess, that's two days off after working two full months!" And you'd be correct. Yesterday was a good day. I watched movies and ripped apart my room, again. I'm slowly, methodically, getting rid of things that I don't really need. My room is slowly becoming devoid of things. This is great for the cats. They love to explore. And/or take naps in new spots I've created. Also, I cleaned the fish tank... you can bet that I caught Lucius clawing at the glass today! It was just a good day all around. So today I'm thankful for days off, for fall cleaning, and days to take care of myself. I like to be alone. I love alone time; I relish alone time. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, so when I get a chance I stop. Everything. I ignore my cell phone and debate with myself. Pros and cons. "Should"s, "would"s, and "could"s. One of my best friends was trying to get me to come over yesterday. Even tried bribing me with stir-fry. It was a very close call, but ultimately, I'm glad I stayed at home. I accomplished more things, and I feel refreshed.

Things have been challenging me. We completed our first Sunday without our pastor, who had been there for 18 years. My presentation for the Session was a success. I've mentioned before that I tend to shy away. I'm the one hiding in the corner. I am generally not bold in my faith. [I have a vivid memory of a couple at Bible study praying for boldness in their faith, and that has stuck with me.] Because I am uncomfortable when I am trying to be bold, I like to be uber-prepared. I generally overcompensate because I forget that the people I'm presenting for are often less conservative than I am. That is to say that their lifestyle choices are not so obviously a reflection of Christianity. So I presented more information than they probably needed to hear, but oh well.

The other side of this equation of course, is finding out how I mesh with people who do not live their lives according to the same belief set. That is the challenge of the year, evidently. Lots to work through...

"Let us give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for man, for He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." -Psalm 107:8-9

In Everything Give Thanks

I've been experiencing some challenges lately. It's easy to become distracted by changes in interpersonal relationships, but ultimately, I have to remember how blessed I am.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18 [NIV]

I purchased a magnetic sign for my room that says "in everything give thanks" along with the black baseboard to hold it. It's a reminder to myself, as well as a challenge, to remember that things could always be worse and that my life isn't so bad. I have family, shelter, and food - and a job.

Leap of Faith: Part 1

"I'm off to see the Session" [sung to "I'm off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz]

Since 2008 I have had an iron in my heart burning for Africa.

Tonight, I am attending the Session meeting at my Church to present my plan and hopefully get permission to hold a information session and fundraiser for the members of my Church that would like to support my journey. But I'm not inherently bold when it comes to my faith and my tiny heart is beating a million miles a minute... Hopefully, I can be bold and convey the love and spirit I have experienced these past three years following the ministry I hope to intern with! *cross your fingers*

Bad Blood

If you've been keeping track, I have a few topics to finish posting on...

As my next race nears, I am beginning to feel beat up. The littlest, most inconsequential things can lead to nagging discomfort. (Case in point: I currently have this calf thing, but I have no memory of doing anything to strain or tweak my calf... Annoying.)

Thankfully the human anatomy was meticulously designed and wonderfully made.

PDA: public display(s) of affection. Of course the general connotation insinuates romantic affection. It get such a bad rap. A rap that I tend to agree with, to be honest. As much as I am happy that you're happy, I don't need to spend my afternoon seeing just how happy you are... Enter stereotypical comment: "Get a room!" But has the negative view of public displays of affection in romantic relationships devalued displays of affection in non-romantic relationships? When's the last time you hugged your best friend? When's the last time you had any physical contact with a loved one other than your significant other? I realize it is a slippery slope. That perhaps there is a fear that if non-romantic displays of affection are considered appropriate, "aren't we just telling our kids that it's okay to show affection to their boy/girl-friend?" [To this argument, I would point out that I'm not going to make out with my best friend so I would hope my child wouldn't assume it's okay to make out with their boy/girl-friend.] I suppose it goes back to parenting preferences, but the topic of showing romantic/non-romantic affection is something to ponder...

Without affection our spirit begins to wither. I know mine certainly does.

When I'm feeling especially beaten up after a long run I take a nice cold bath. An ice bath. Nice is a relative word in this context... Body heat increases with activity and then you induce vasoconstriction by taking an ice bath after said activity you induce minor hypothermia in a controlled setting. The vessels constrict. They shrink. They want to preserve the body and so they shrink so they can pump the blood away from the extremities, to the abdomen and back to the heart. In an emergency situation, this would prolong life, giving your body more time to wait for the "arrival" of different surroundings or rescue. In training, it simply removes as much blood as possible, within reason, from the area. When you warm up again the area is immediately flushed with fresh, oxygenated blood. The advantage of this is to a) minimize injury b) improve healing time and c) reduce lactic acid buildup.

I don't always like running. I don't want to wake up early to run. I don't want to leave the comforts of my house to go outside to subject myself to hard work (on a good day) or torture (on a not-so-good day.) I run because it's good for my body. Physically I feel stronger. I can perceive changes in my body. Psychologically I feel clearer, emotionally invigorated and relaxed at the same time. It helps me keep things in perspective. Vasoconstriction is not comfortable, but I know it helps my body in the long run. Old blood out, fresh blood in.

I woke up earlier than I usually do on a Sunday. I am trying to accept certain truths in my life, whether I like them or not. My first step is to just not think about them. I rearranged my collage boards. I switched out pictures in frames, and put a fun scrapbook paper print in one frame that I couldn't find another picture for. Just to make things feel fresh and new. I don't know exactly what inspired it, but I was thinking about memories today. How many of our "good memories" are merely memories that we associate with positive emotions - but are not actually positive, or even notable, events in our lives? That's tough. This fall I hope to distinguish between postive memories and memories that just happen to have a positive mood association. Old blood out, fresh blood in. As a Christian, I'd like to learn to appreciate the events that God would also appreciate. The small acts of kindness and the struggle of forgiveness. Old blood out, fresh blood in. And I'd like to make choices that will make this easier. Like signing off now and relaxing - and going to sleep early. Old blood out, fresh blood in.

"In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace."-Ephesians 1:7 [NIV]

Growth Spurt

Today was an unexpectedly hectic day. I couldn't actually tell you the last time I had a day off. Considering this, my coworker only scheduled me for a half day. Good in thought; bad in practice. I didn't actually leave until 3.5 hours after I was supposed to have left. (Upside: God loves me and I somehow evaded a parking ticket. Work was so busy I didn't think about feeding my meter, nor would I have had time.)

So after a full day of work, I made it home. I'm thankful I made it to my house in one piece because I didn't eat breakfast before going to work. I didn't take breaks to eat. I'm not even sure I took breaks to go to the bathroom... But as I walked to my car, I was beginning to feel slightly light-headed. Pulling into the driveway without any automobile mishaps was definitely a plus. I spent some time unwinding with my parents. (If you can call it that.) We ate dinner and then I went to a Christian Education Committee meeting at Church.

With my Pastor's impending departure (this is his last Sunday), things are getting tense. Decisions are being made quickly, possibly too quickly. There is the fear that decisions have been made without discernment and they might cause future hardships. Of course moot point: anything could cause future hardships.

At this meeting I had a breakthrough. A Christ moment. I know I've been doing this a lot lately... but this deserves an entirely separate post. I'm just amazed at how, when I am focused on living for Christ and according to His word, everything that I'm wrestling with seems to be revealed to me!

Upside Downside

October!!!

Upside: It's October!!! The kickoff of fall and the holiday season, pumpkins galore, cozy fall days, and Halloween. I'm a sucker for all holidays!

Downside: It's October... The 1st was a rainy day (which I spent outside for work at the local homecoming parade.) The 2nd was a rainy day. And the 3rd is looking equally rainy. I actually love rainy days. I love them even more when I get to stay in bed, or snuggle on the couch, wrapped up in a cozy blanket with a hot mug of tea, a good book or a great movie. Unfortunately, this sudden change in weather has led to a drop in barometric pressure and an increase in sinus pain. If you've never experienced this phenomena consider yourself one lucky duck! Me? With my father's superior genes... I'll be picking up some decongestant at work today.


My Best Friend's Boyfriend!!!

Upside: He's a really nice guy and I'm glad their happy together.

Downside: I'd rather that they were happy far, far away from me. When it comes to relationships, my best friend and I are both very monogamous and devoted to our boyfriends. She just takes it to another level. This weekend she told me she couldn't talk to me on the phone, because she had to hurry up and get to boyfriend's house because, after all, "he was waiting for her." Um. You've seen him every weekend since July minus one. And you've seen me significantly less than that. Best friends of 13 years remember? But wait folks... it gets better. He is always there. When we discuss plans she always includes him. (It's still fairly new, this is just a phase. Right?...) And they love PDA more than any couple I've ever met... We were all at boyfriend's house this weekend watching TV. It was cute, he made us hot chocolate. He offered to let me pick the TV show (though I declined instead of attempting to figure out how to work his remote.) They started off simply holding hands. The next thing, I look over and boyfriend has his arm wrapped around her. (I can't find a picture to portray what I mean, but I do not mean he simply had it wrapped around her shoulder.) Sure, that's cool. Don't mind me. I'll just slowly try to sink into the opposite end of the couch.

Yes, I have tried to think through my feelings? Am I just jealous? Nope, not it. Do I envy her happiness? Nope, I'm happy she's happy. Have I ever displayed an excessive amount of PDA that deserves pay-back? Possible I suppose, but doubtful. And I'm pretty sure my last possibility of PDA was long enough ago that she would have forgotten. Do I get annoyed by PDA easily? Evidently... I can generally tolerate holding hands, even strolling arm and arm. Just don't make me contemplate using the jaws of life to pry you apart when we are sitting on the couch together. Is that really too much to ask?

I was trying to think if I knew any other couples that love PDA. Perhaps I just have an especially conservative circle of friends, but quite frankly the only other "PDA happy" couples I know got married - and then divorced. At Bible Study last night, I was thinking about the married couple who hosts and opens their home to us. It made me think about "PDA": what it is concerned in our culture, what we stereotypically think of when we hear the term, what smaller gestures should really be considered PDA. [another segue for a future post!]


Half-Marathon!!!

Upside: Only five more weeks! I can only keep on doing what I've been doing and hope for the best!

Downside: Only five more weeks! No miracles at this point...


What are the upsides and downsides in your life? How do you stay focused on the upsides?