Growing a Gracious Heart: Part 1

So I am home, and awake. I am basically on EST for the most part. I'm still awake at 5am, but I'll deal.

Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.

I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.

I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.

I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.

[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]

food for my thoughts:

the definition of grace:

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace 

 listed synonym: mercy

 the meaning of gracious:

adjective: Courteous, kind, and pleasant, esp. toward someone of lower social status.

the meaning of generous:

adjective:  (of a person) Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.

I will have to elaborate on this later. My brain is definitely back on EST and things don't seem to be coming together at this early hour. I'm sure my heart is going somewhere with this, but my brain can't seem to figure it out. So for now I might get some tea and snuggle back into bed with Angelina. to be continued...

Home

After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.

Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...

Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.

I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.

I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...

It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.

Last Hours

I'm down to my last hours in Africa.

Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.

After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.

After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.

I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV] 

I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real. 

I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.

So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home. 

I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.

But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family. 

But first...

Acts 26

New International Version (NIV)

26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”

So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: ² “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, ³ and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.
⁴ “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. ⁵ They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. ⁶ And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. ⁷ This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. ⁸ Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
⁹ “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. ¹⁰ And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. ¹¹ Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
¹² “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. ¹³ About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. ¹⁴ We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,^[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
¹⁵ “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. ¹⁶ ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. ¹⁷ I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them ¹⁸ to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
¹⁹ “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. ²⁰ First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. ²¹ That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. ²² But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— ²³ that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
²⁴ At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
²⁵ “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. ²⁶ The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. ²⁷ King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
²⁸ Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
²⁹ Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
³⁰ The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. ³¹ After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
³² Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”

Without you I’m just miles away...

 

They were sitting
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day 

 

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time 

 

Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

mamihlapinatapai

Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It

Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.

It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me

Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.

Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.

I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post.  It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!

South Africa

I am back in South Africa!!!

It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!

It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...