she can't help but love him

She drives down on Sunset
With the windows down
Just so she can let it in
She knows he's far-gone now
But there still are pieces
Pieces there still left of him

He uses love like a bullet from a gun
She's careful like a surgeon
Everywhere he goes they all know to run
But she can't help but love him
Love him

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Still

I am still cleaning, still purging. Slowly but surely reducing the amount of things I own. the things that I put energy into. The catch is embracing where I am in life and who I am in this season vs who I have been. Finding my identity in my potential, as a Christian, as a woman, and as a being, vs in the things I own. I've been having an internal debate dialogue about my textbooks. Should I sell them? Donate them? Keep them? What would be the point of keeping them? Will I actually ever use them again? The answer? I will probably never use them again. I'm not sure grad school is in my future. If it is, the books will probably be outdated. If I'm not sold on grad school, why would I bother keeping them? I think I still derive so much of my identity from school, despite having graduated nearly three years ago. Our society is so focused on what we do. It's all about our careers and how we make money. How much money we make. Not how we treat people, or how we enrich our lives with meaningful things. We obsess over the stock market and 401Ks and retirement. On bettering our lives in the future - but at the cost of diminishing our lives now. At least that's how things look from my perspective.

I have today off. I'm looking forward to it. To getting rid of yet more stuff. To challenging myself and hopefully opening myself up for growth, and shifted perspectives for the future. What's important vs what's not. Of embracing and focusing on what I can control or change, and not being distracted by things I cannot control. God has a plan for me, even when I don't know what it is.

Priceless

The Purge Continues

So, despite waking up at 3am and not functioning entirely well at work, I have somehow made it to 11:30pm: and it was a productive evening to boot! Having finished the closet purge, I was focused on other miscellaneous things that have been taking up space. Now I am on the verge of falling asleep at any given moment, but it was worth it! Now if only I had a box big enough to box all this stuff...

The Great Closet Experiment

I just realized I didn't take any pictures. Good for me...bad for you.

Spending two months in Africa living out of a suitcase is good perspective. I took the largest suitcase I own. One I rarely use, because (ironically) I hate packing a lot of clothes. Even the guys had larger suitcases that I did. I left half of my shirts in Zambia. I left even more clothes in South Africa. Yet, somehow, the suitcase came home full. It boggles my mind! But I digress... those two months were very telling. I had limited clothes. Limited everything really. I had access to buy anything I needed, but only bought what I truly needed *gasp* because I was on a budget. because I was serving the people of Africa. My life wasn't solely wrapped up in my wants and needs.

Coming home I knew I had a lot of clothes. I knew I wanted to get rid of clothes. I knew I wanted to go back to Africa for a year, or more. If you've read my blog you know I am no stranger to closet purges. Yes, somehow, it is possible that I still have that many clothes left.

My initial week back in the country was all about survival. Making it to work. Staying awake on American time. That was it. I wanted to be kind to myself. [Read: I let myself be lazy.] My friend posted on facebook about going through her closet, and though it was something I knew I wanted - and needed - to do yet again, I didn't think I could handle it. [Read: I wasn't sure I would be decisive enough to make any progress.] But it kept nagging. I want to lose weight, so there was the thought that I could focus on losing weight and then revisit the closet. Except the nagging feeling persisted. I thought that maybe the nagging would overwhelm any motivation I had to work out. So I just started....

The place I work implemented a new dress code: only company work wear. Printed polos, etc. When I'm spending 40 hours a week in work clothes - that can only be official work clothes, it drastically reduces the opportunity I will have to wear my other clothes. Insert statistics about people and the fact that 80% of the time we only wear 20% of our wardrobe, etc etc etc. So I just started. [Read: I emptied out all of my drawers and my closet.] My ultimate goal would be to fit all of my wardrobe into one suitcase. Or as much as possible. I don't want to have an entire second wardrobe in storage long term, in the event that I do go back to Africa. I own some beautiful clothes. But they are just clothes. If I don't wear them, there really isn't a reason for me to even keep them. In a way, clothes are like spiritual gifts. [try to stick with me...] We talk so much about spiritual gifts, and how they aren't gifts unless you give them away. If I have the gift of hospitality but I don't use it, it isn't really a gift because no one is benefiting from it. If I don't wear the clothes in my closet, they aren't adding anything to my life. In this case, you can argue that they are detracting from my life. Using up space in my world without anything to show for it. And if I believe my clothes are that beautiful (which I do) but I am not wearing most of them (which I am not) then I should give them away so someone else can have the chance to wear them, right? Right.

So it began. I ruthlessly, quickly sorted through my clothes. Keep. Donate. Toss. Keep. Donate. Toss. I didn't take pictures. Maybe I should have, but I have already taken everything to charity this morning. Before I could question my decisions. Out with the old, in with the...currently owned. I'm not even done. [yikes...] The majority of my clothes are still in limbo, waiting to be put away. After I had delivered the latest conquests from my closet, I wrote a list of criteria the remaining items should meet in order to retain their place in my closet. I'll go through the rest of the clothes as I put them away, or in the next donation pile. Then I have to go through my shoes... And my books, and my 'stuff' ie anything that doesn't fit into a specific category and has yet to be specifically addressed.

Also, as excited as I am about cleaning out my closet - and I am! - it is a big weekend! One of my best friend's is graduating from graduate school today! And the Missionary Ladies are having their annual Spaghetti Dinner (the tastiest spaghetti ever - it's made with love!) And my best friend is coming home this weekend! I haven't seen her for three months!!! Who's excited??? THIS GIRL!!!

My Heart is Breaking...

My heart is breaking in the most painful, most unexpected way.

I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.

My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.

Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.

My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.

It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.

It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.