Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

“The first duty of love is to listen.” -Paul Tillich

My heart has been a little bit heavy these last few days. We are all growing up. Some of our lives are changing; some are not. I am facing the demise of a long friendship.

Partly because of this stressful situation, I already took down and packed away my Christmas tree and all of my decorations. As I was putting all of my non-Christmas decor back in place, I glanced upon a sign I had gotten on a business trip last year. For the past several months, prior to Christmas, it has sat, largely unnoticed, on my bookshelf. It simply states: "a true friend always lifts you up."

For this particular friendship, this has not been the case. Quite the opposite; I believe they bring out the worst in me. Yet I was still struggling with the idea of losing them. One evening, after a particularly dramatic two days, I took a long shower to clear my head. Then it came to me. The passage in James that warns us we should only produce praise or cursing, not both.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."-James 3:9-12 [NIV]

Proverbs also warns us about choosing our friends wisely.

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." -Proverbs 13:20 [ESV]

 

 I decided to reread "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue" by Emily Giffin. I've probably blogged about them before, they are some of my favorites. I just love the depth of emotion they show you, while exploring what it truly means to be a good friend - and what characteristics we exhibit that are not part of being a good friend. I love this quote from "Something Blue":

 

“Love and friendship. They are what make us who we are, and what can change us, if we let them.”

2011 hasn't been an easy year. It's been filled with mistakes, poor choices, and drama. But, thankfully, it generally ended on a high note. Completing another half marathon. Growing up - and making decisions accordingly. I can only hope that these positive events keep happening in 2012. [and that the drama of this waning friendship is kept to a minimum]

Wishing you all happiness as we celebrate a New Year, full of new potential! Happy New Year!!!

Rewind.

I just got some crazy news from a friend. Seriously, crazy news. The kind of news that you see on a television documentary. The kind of news that isn't supposed to happen to people who were raised in America. In a medically advanced country. But I guess that's life...

This got me thinking about the past year. Where I was at this time last year. Who was(not) in my life compared to who is(not) in my life now. How I've changed; how I haven't.

I was looking through old blog entries. It's amazing how a simple phrase can transport you to another time. To the exact feeling. Even the simple description of a dream from a few months ago. A dream I hadn't thought about in months. I remembered every detail.

It's hard to believe it's December. Not to mention that it's already halfway over...
Hindsight is 20/20. Here's to hoping for better vision (the first time around) in 2012!

"What You Bring To It"

"In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock." -Thomas Jefferson

So far, December has been an interesting month. [Okay, the past six weeks have been interesting. Don't even get me started on the last 3 months...] 

We live in an old, circa-1930s, dusty house. I've been cleaning my brother's old room/family game room. For weeks. At least two days a week for the last four weeks anyway. Read: cleaning aka inhaling "vintage" dust until I cannot breathe properly, followed by taking a medical cocktail of albuterol, benadryl, and whatever allergy medicine I can find first and praying I'll be able to breathe when I wake up. Finally, I am essentially done. I have a few more boxes of donations and recyclables; a few stray things yet to be put away. But essentially, it is finished.

Work is work. It is always interesting, for various reasons. 

Life is interesting. I know this sounds crazy, but recently it's really sunk in that I'm not in high school anymore. Let me explain what I mean...

In high school, I was that girl. I tried to talk, and get along with, everybody. I got good grades, and was very involved. I was involved in FOURTEEN groups/activities (that I can remember). I was always told I was a flirt (who me?) and at one point gave up dating for an entire year on a bet, just to prove I could. What can I say? I loved high school, and high school loved me.

That's the thing about high school though. I was one of the lucky ones. Sure, I have a few scaring memories from junior high. Who doesn't? But high school was my play ground. I had a few casual boyfriends. More than a few casual dates to school dances. I didn't take life too seriously and came out on top. I guess you could say that's my inner free spirit. I tried to be friends with everyone, which was easy since I was in so many organizations.

 While I coasted through life, making memories and enjoying high school to the fullest, I have some clues to what it felt on the other end of the spectrum. Teammates who were misunderstood at school, and friends who supplied the sarcastic, caustic social remarks. 

But I'm not in high school, or even college, anymore. And it occurs to me that high school may have had it wrong anyway. I was looking for words to explain how I feel and I found this on a website:

I immediately zoomed in on "...keep finding out what makes you feel happiest and this oftentimes will be the easiest thing for you to do."

Here are a few more gems I found:

"There is only one success - to spend your life in your own way." -Christopher Morley

"We can travel a long way and do many things, but our deepest happiness is not born from accumulating new experiences. it is born from letting go of what is unnecessary, and knowing ourselves to be always at home." -Sharon Salzberg

"In a true partnership, the kind worth striving for, the kind worth insisting on, and even, frankly, worth divorcing over, both people try to give as much or even a little more than they get. "Deserves" is not the point. And "owes" is certainly not the point. The point is to make the other person as happy as we can, because their happiness adds to ours. The point is -- in the right hands, everything that you give, you get." -Amy Bloom

and last, but not least

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

I must admit I've been wrong about certain things. Wrong, or reluctant to realize, I suppose. It turns out people, at least the ones I know, are remarkably non-judgmental and amazingly supportive. My coworker at work, after our shift last night, takes the cake. And that's why I love her. Now I think I know what I want; I just have to figure out how to get it.

"I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered it's not what the world holds for you. It's what you bring to it." -Anne Shirley

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Rainy Days and Mondays...

"You know you're going to marry him right?"
"I already told you that. You said you'd kill me first."
"I know. The offer still stands."

[I love my friends]

 But sometimes, that's not enough.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea”. -Isak Dinesen



Today was just one of those days. The days where you work all day, yet somehow you don't seem to complete anything. I made progress in several areas. Yet I completely finished nothing.

I can be thankful that I have the luxury of not finishing tasks. I can go to sleep in my comfortable bed, in the shelter of my house, and (hopefully) sleep peacefully until I wake up tomorrow. Then I can try again.

I can be thankful that I have access to medicine to help me somewhat comfortable when I am not feeling well.

I can be thankful that I have friends who will listen to me when I am frustrated, overjoyed, or just need to talk. Whether they agree, disagree, or even understand, they are there and willing to listen when I ask.

I can be thankful for my cats. I got their mother, Grace, at Church on a Sunday morning. I wasn't thrilled when she had two kittens. Little did I know Grace would get cancer, and I would need her babies to keep an eye on me. They remind me that affection is important. That the only necessities in life are food, water, shelter, and rest. Naps are underrated. Also, cats are great listeners. They don't always do what you ask, but they always listen. They are always aware of what you are saying, of what is going on around them.

Most importantly, I can be thankful that I have a [somewhat] dependable car that gets me where I need to be, and hold a decent amount of stuff. This will help me cross a few things off of my to-do list tomorrow.

I can be thankful for tomorrows.

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." -Isaiah 58:11

"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." -Psalm 29:11

heart. broken.

"How's your heart?"

"It's a little bit broken"

 

 

 

 

 

"Love never dies a natural death.
 It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.
 It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
 It dies of illness and wounds;
 it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
 - Anais Nin