This past weekend I went to visit my best friend with her fiance in Virginia. Cons: 14 hours in a Jeep Pros: a break from my normal routine, and actually stopping for five seconds to relax. For this, I am thankful.
I want to go to Africa. I am working towards this goal. I have stayed at my current job because of this goal. Why bother putting energy into finding a new job when I will leave for two months anyway? So despite low wages and under-appreciation from my higher-ups, I stayed. I have been available any and every time they need me. I do what I'm asked without complaining (usually). Yesterday I was told by my manager (in the back) that, if I go to Africa, I will not have a job there (in the back) when I return. Though this was a change from what she told me just a few months ago... I'm not sure it made a difference. I do not believe continuing with this job would be a good use of my time. There are certainly better choices I could make for myself. Yet, the finality of the conversation sent me spinning. I will no longer have a steady job. I will no longer have a steady paycheck. I will still have steady bills.
I knew it was coming. And I still panicked.
Immediately after our conversation, I went to get a vaccine. TwinRix [Hep A + Hep B] good times. For weeks all I've heard was about how painful it is. I was focusing on a) saying the Lord's Prayer (it's my ting in times of "extreme" stress) b)relaxing my arm and c) not puking and/or fainting on the pharmacist. (Success on all counts, btw!) I ran a few errands. Then I ran home to get a grip on myself.
I grabbed my to-do binder, my journal and my Bible. I wrote a quick entry in my journal, unloading my immediate fears, thoughts and concerns on paper. Then, after this emotional purging exercise, I grabbed my Bible and frantically found Matthew 6: 25-34:
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I started with verses 31 through 34 (see purple section). After I had thought about those for a minute, in the context of my situation, I started from the beginning of the passage. It is a passage I've turned to time and time again. I can almost say it word for word by memory. Somehow it is always that much better when I am reading it, as opposed to just reciting it.
I calculated my current and impending expenses and wages I would make before my trip. I spoke to a few of my friends to get some more apprehension out of my system.
Then I made food for the next three days of work. And I got ready for bed.
As nerve racking as yesterday was, today was THAT awesome!
I woke up, basically, on time. Washed three loads of laundry and showered. Went in to work because though Tuesdays are my off days, there was some debate as to if I was needed (I wasn't). Talked to my front end manager and the buyer while I was there. Ran an errand for them. Stopped at the local bakery (I had a gift certificate) and Aldis, to stock up on more nuts for my evening snack. Came home to change out of my work clothes, eat lunch and get back on my to-do list. I washed more laundry, in addition to putting away laundry - probably everything I've washed this year. Finding time to wash laundry is easy; finding time to actually put it away is not. I've sorted, rearranged, and organized for hours.
As apprehensive as I was last night, tonight I am fulfilled.
Tomorrow will be a new day with new challenges, but tonight I am content. For this, I am thankful.
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