Yesterday was another round of cleaning. I started with my closet a) because I noticed I was really having to cram the clothes into one drawer for it to close properly and b) because tackling the closet is so much easier for me than attacking the box of miscellaneous stuff that I really need to go through. I'm obsessed with having a clean, easily organized room. I want to know where everything is. I want to go into my closet and clearly be able to tell what I have. But I also think I'm subconsciously trying to make room for new [happy] memories after such a hard few months.
2011 was a rough year for me. Changes at work. Guys who weren't the nice guys I wanted to believe they were. And best friends. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have kept in touch with four friends from junior and senior high school. People I met in 7th grade, and that was 13 years ago! Three of them are already married; I was in two of the weddings. Two of them have children. I keep in touch with some of them more frequently than others. That's the thing about best friends: you can overlook the bad and focus on the good. But that changed before Christmas. One friend pushed things beyond the limit. After many conversations, and a few tears, my best friend and I decided that we could not be the positive influence in her life that we desperately wanted to be. It was time to move on and hope God sent someone who could help her understand in a way we couldn't.
I feel mostly okay. There was too much that had transpired. The end of the friendship was not like a bad breakup. I was not faced with the feeling of extreme and sudden loss, just the awareness that there is a hole that has not been filled. Shortly before this debacle, our mutual best friend got engaged. I was worried this would be the kicker for me. I don't miss my friend, or at least not the friend she had become the last few years. All the same I was really worried it would hit me while we were wedding planning for my best friend. Two weekends ago we went wedding dress shopping, ironically at the same boutique the former friend purchased her dress at (I was also part of that trip.) Thankfully, the trip was mostly upbeat. Attention and thoughts stayed focused on Chelsie.
It is agreed it will be the hardest for me, since I was in more frequent contact with this friend than Chelsie. We still lived in the same town and she was the friend who always wanted people around her. I relish alone time, so I must admit at times I perceived this as very demanding behavior. I talk to friends often, though I don't have the in person interaction I did with her. For now, this is okay. After all, I still have to tackle the box of junk that I have been putting off for months and months. I'm looking forward to summer, more wedding planning, and many new memories.
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