I've said it before, but I'll say it again. 2011 ended with a bang, but it was the bad kind. 2012 consisted of me learning how to recover. Looking back, I've been through lots of phases. High school was a blast, and senior year was like a dream. Freshman year of college was an extension of the dream. 2006 ended on a (pathetically) low note, 2007 continued to be more of the same. Recovery and getting by. In early 2009, I made a radical diet lifestyle change. In late 2009, I signed up for and began training for my first half marathon. 2010 was a banner year. And things were good, until 2011 ended with that awful, terrible bang. In a situation that should be in the plot of a lifetime movie, not very real part of my life, I ended a friendship. A friendship that, albeit having toxic undertones, lasted for the better part of 13 years. In the last week it occurred to me: that might be something I will never, truly get over. I can push through it and move on, but can I ever truly forget? Despite all its uneasiness, all the lumps and bumps in the road, 2012 was a generally good year. But don't get me wrong, I am glad it's over.

So here I am: January 6th, 2013. Tomorrow is Russian Orthodox Christmas. The holidays are officially coming to an end and the new year is officially in full swing. Complete with the hustle and bustle of gift returns, budget induced mental breakdowns, and extravagant new years resolutions.

I must confess my own emotional distress over unresolved questions surrounding my Africa trip. I have felt panicked, and preoccupied by worried anticipation. The feeling in your stomach that I lovingly refer to as 'vomtastic.' As Anne Shirley said: "The worst would be more endurable than not knowing at all." But what will be, will be and I just have to have faith that there is a bigger plan.

Of course, I have resolutions. Moreover, I love resolutions. Resolutions are the ultimate to-do list in my mind. I mentioned completing my end of year clean-out, so for the most part, I have nothing left to purge. Nothing left that does not or could not enhance my life. I want to save money. I want to follow a budget. I want to stop putting money, energy, and expectations into things. I want to enjoy what I already have, not chase after things I don't have and don't really need in the first place. I want to actively, purposely tithe what I have been given back to God, both financially and with my time and energy. I want to lose weight. This one is two-fold. I want to be healthy. I don't need to be super skinny, I want to feel powerful. Being able to run without having to take my rescue-inhaler would be nice, too. I want to use my body to glorify God. I don't want it to hold me back, and I don't want to throw away my health. I see my older relatives suffering from diabetes, fibromyalgia, back pain, and being oxygen dependent. These symptoms are perhaps not all directly related to obesity, but are certainly not helped by excess body weight. I also want to control my sweet tooth. Yes, this relates back to the being healthy segment of losing weight, but, for me, it also translates to my second motive: when the going gets rough, I get to the kitchen. Yes, I'm a sometimes-stress-eater. When my sweet tooth is in check, I can pass on stress eating. But recently, when work and life and stress collide, I make a beeline for the sweets. I'd really like to find my refuge in God, and not in sweet snacks. Watch this video, maybe  it will make you think, maybe it won't, but here it is anyway:



 I want to make time for daily devotions. I hope this will help keep my mindset more even and keep everything in perspective - food cravings and otherwise. I also want to blog more, about what I'm learning in my devotions. I want to be less connected. I want to spend less time on the internet. That's not to say that I'm going to opt out of my facebook account, or that I'm going to stop blogging. I just want to stop wasting mindless time on social media. I'm not sure there is a reason to spend purposeful time on facebook... but I want to spend more purposeful time blogging. I'm re-motivated to continue 'cell-free Sundays' but this year I'm calling them 'signed-off Sundays.' My goal is to devote Sunday afternoons to quiet devotions with out my cellphone, facebook, or television in the background. So that's it, those are my new years resolutions. Somehow, I think purging unnecessary possessions from my life was the easy part, but I hope purging unnecessary habits will be more rewarding.

I already mentioned the frantic flurry of new years resolutions. The weight-loss ads, the dating-site ads...all the ads the media bombards us with...  As I was driving to my boyfriend's house yesterday, a woman on the radio was talking about how she feels new years resolutions are useless, and we are all setting ourselves up for failure.I don't know about that, but I know most of the resolution themed ads seem to go about things all the wrong way. I would like to think that my resolutions are centered around my relationship with Christ, and everything will fall into place accordingly. I'd like to think my resolutions are purposefully determined with the right motives. Maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't. Today is Epiphany on the Christian calendar, where we remember the wise men and their journey to find Jesus. It hit me how the majority of resolutions are all wrong in every way: formation, perspective, and execution. I think of the wise men and their devotion to this single goal of finding Jesus, regardless or in spite of how long it took to get there. They followed a star, that may not have always been easy to discern. They brought gifts for a royal king, who it turns out was just a small child. I wonder if their meeting with Jesus was what they anticipated, or if they were caught off guard by what they found. If we all had just a pinch of that purposeful devotion, how different would our world be?

Today in Church, I was greatly impressed by the prayer of confession:
God of sovereigns and commoners, we confess that we are often more impressed with famous people than we are with your amazing glory. The rules of this earth are more real to us than the One who reigns over time and eternity. Your priorities are not foremost in our lives. We reach for power and popularity more than for justice for the poor. We are more focused on prosperity than on relief for the oppressed. Our pursuits do not satisfy; save us from their fragmenting grip in our lives. Cause a new epiphany among us, we pray. Amen.

How true! How many news headlines are centered around Kim Kardashian (she's having a baby - did you hear?), or Will and Kate? How many Kardashian reality tv shows can there be at one time? When did TMZ become a reputable news source? With all that nonsense, it's no wonder that the rules of the earth overpower the rules of God. Power and popularity do so often come first over justice, and how many people would rather donate money to a cause than actually leave their own comfort zone? No, these pursuits do not satisfy - would our country, with our materialism, debt, and obesity, be such a mess if they did? We are called to be beacon's of hope. Forget about society says for one minute and remember what God says:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. -Micah 6: 8 [NIV]

And because the ultimate reasoning behind new years resolutions is to improve our lives in someway and make us happier. Here is what my Bible translation has to say about happiness:

Hallelujah!
My soul, praise the Lord.

I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not trust in nobles,
in man, who cannot save.

When his breath leaves him,
he returns to the ground;
on that day his plans die.

Happy is the one whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea and everything in them.
He remains faithful forever, 

executing justice for the exploited
and giving food to the hungry.
The Lord frees prisoners.

The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord raises up those who are oppressed.
The Lord loves the righteous.  

The Lord protects foreigners
and helps the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever;
Zion, your God reigns for all generations.
Hallelujah!

-Psalm 146 [HCSB] 

Wishing you all best of luck with your resolutions, whatever they may be, and hoping you all find true happiness for the right reasons!