Broken Record

It's been another intense day in Africa. I'm not sure exactly how to convey my thoughts most effectively, but I'll give it a go anyway...

The last month has definitely been trial by fire, and I am feeling the heat. I can't begin to express how awesome my experience has been thus far, but it's also been kind of rough. I mentioned in my last post about how I hate filtering myself. That is very true, but ironically, I also hate incessantly harping on the same topic, especially if it is ultimately inconsequential. This brings me to the demise of my relationship. Quite frankly there are things about the situation that thoroughly piss me off - and that is putting it nicely. But I don't want to keep talking about it. I don't want to be that girl. It's done and it's over. If anything, I just have this remaining excess emotional energy that I need to vent off. Like aftershocks following a massive earthquake. But I don't want to seem like I'm obsessing over the relationship, because truthfully I'm not. I guess I'm just full of hot air, so to speak, for better or worse. This is compounded by being questioned by people, some of whom present questions more gracefully than others.

I am lucky that my housemates, for lack of a better word, have been so gracious. Amazingly so. I went on a walk outside the compound with Alicia and Russell today. It was really nice to just do something out of the ordinary. It was actually the first time I've been outside on foot. Anyway, Alicia has been really amazing throughout the whole ordeal. She's always asking if I'm okay, how I'm processing the situation. Today was more of the same. She asked how I've been handling it, if I feel like I've been able to handle it while dealing with everything else we see here in community. Ironically, she says that she feels like I don't talk about it that much. That was mildly flabbergasting because I feel like I've talked about it far too much. Like I'm a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same line. I feel like I have so much pent up energy, and the emotions are all confined to my head, so perhaps I just perceive the topic as being much more pervasive than it actually is. I think that makes sense and would be a rational explanation.

I think the other thing I've been dealing with is the fact that living in community highlights areas where my character is struggling. Again, I don't know if these issues are perceived by my housemates, but I notice. I will respond to a certain situation a certain way, only to realize after the fact that I'm a terrible person. Saying I'm a terrible person might be slightly melodramatic, but there are examples where I just see flaws in my character. It's really frustrating, but it's also exciting. For the most part, I'm guessing my housemates don't notice in the first place or, even if they do, don't dwell on the incident. Just little things mostly. It's encouraging because I am a Christian, and I truly felt convicted that I was not meant to continue the relationship with my boyfriend. I felt convicted that that was something I needed to release to God, and trust in His plan for me - even though I have no idea where that will lead me next. The relationship had become an idol in my heart, so now that I have relinquished that to God, I am noticing these situations that highlight my character flaws. I always initially take it as a punch to the gut, like 'oh, I can't believe I responded that way. I feel like a terrible person", etc, but once I think through it, I always feel convicted that it is merely a lesson I am meant to learn. I have been removed from all of my normal, familiar parameters so it is the perfect time for God to mold me into whatever He wants me to be. Or at least a great circumstance to jump start the process. I truly believe that is what God is doing in my life. It's encouraging, yet it's exhausting. I feel like it's something new everyday. Trial by fire. As draining as it can be, I'm also really excited to see what God has in store for me next. I've let go of so many things since being here, at some point I will see the fruit of my labor.

At this point, I am really tired and I just hope this makes sense to some degree. Rooms is watching 'The Princess and The Frog' again so that is my cue to pass out. Good night world wide web!