Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Still

I am still cleaning, still purging. Slowly but surely reducing the amount of things I own. the things that I put energy into. The catch is embracing where I am in life and who I am in this season vs who I have been. Finding my identity in my potential, as a Christian, as a woman, and as a being, vs in the things I own. I've been having an internal debate dialogue about my textbooks. Should I sell them? Donate them? Keep them? What would be the point of keeping them? Will I actually ever use them again? The answer? I will probably never use them again. I'm not sure grad school is in my future. If it is, the books will probably be outdated. If I'm not sold on grad school, why would I bother keeping them? I think I still derive so much of my identity from school, despite having graduated nearly three years ago. Our society is so focused on what we do. It's all about our careers and how we make money. How much money we make. Not how we treat people, or how we enrich our lives with meaningful things. We obsess over the stock market and 401Ks and retirement. On bettering our lives in the future - but at the cost of diminishing our lives now. At least that's how things look from my perspective.

I have today off. I'm looking forward to it. To getting rid of yet more stuff. To challenging myself and hopefully opening myself up for growth, and shifted perspectives for the future. What's important vs what's not. Of embracing and focusing on what I can control or change, and not being distracted by things I cannot control. God has a plan for me, even when I don't know what it is.

Priceless

The Purge Continues

So, despite waking up at 3am and not functioning entirely well at work, I have somehow made it to 11:30pm: and it was a productive evening to boot! Having finished the closet purge, I was focused on other miscellaneous things that have been taking up space. Now I am on the verge of falling asleep at any given moment, but it was worth it! Now if only I had a box big enough to box all this stuff...