First and foremost, my Christian life. I have attended the same church my entire life. When I was in college, I started attending a ministry and Bible study at another local church. That is when my faith really began to grow - because it was being challenged. My worldview became more developed and I began to see the holes in the culture in my own church. But I kept going. I wanted to be an example of something different, and being involved with the high school kids, I wanted to be an example for them. I was discontent, but I was resolved. Then plans for Africa began to formalize. No reason to leave and find a new church home when I'm going to be leaving the country. So I remained discontent, and trudged through the grind.
I went to Africa. I met people with varied backgrounds in the church and styles of worship. I went to loads of different churches with different people. My heart was on fire.
I came home. The morning after my plan landed my parents asked if I was going to church with them and I obliged. I was numb, going through the motions, but the congregation was so excited for me to be back. I wanted to be back in Africa, but I wasn't sure how to make that happen, so I kept going to my church.
I stayed the same: discontent, settling. My heart longed for something different, but I ignored it. I drowned out its cry by focusing on other things. The people in leadership began to change, and the focus of the church began to gradually change. Our pastor has been meticulous about choosing who should serve in the formal leadership of the church, but has been equally lackadaisical about the people filling in unofficial roles. There is no motivation to better yourself as a Christian, no discipleship and no accountability.
Since something that happened at Christmas Eve service, my head has been spinning. I didn't know how to verbalize what I was feeling, or even precisely why I was feeling it. I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday and she assured me that my feelings were legitimate, but I just kept wondering if it was a selfish call. Last night I watched a handful of George's videos on YouTube. I wanted to hear his voice, his passion so I could remember the point of it all. That faith matters and that it has a very real impact in our lives. As I listened to George it hit me: the Kingdom culture. I attend a church where people have never faced a consequence for improper actions, who have no discipleship and no encouragement to tackle their demons, and no formal accountability in or out of the church. When I was in Africa, I gave people permission to speak into my life. To call me out when I fall short and to hold me accountable while I strive to do better. That is missing at my church. I may not be able to return to Africa tomorrow, but I can find a new church home to hold me accountable until God gives me that chance.
Even knowing all this, I am struggling. My heart is so weak, so fearful. This is where the church becomes similar to men. I am only one person in a mass of people, yet I want to blame myself. I wonder if things would be different if I reacted differently or had a different mindset... but it's time to face the music. I am under-fed and tired. I am losing my saltiness, and we are no use in the world when we lose our saltiness. My 'little light' is becoming dimmer. In the past, in relationships with men, I seem to somehow fall for or settle for the guys that don't 'get' me. I end up beating myself up trying to be something that I'm not, which of course never works and then I beat myself up again. My poor heart is bruised, tired and on the verge of needing resuscitation for afib. I need a heart reset. I am more that okay taking a break from dating, because what I had been doing obviously wasn't working. That is easy to admit and accept and act on. I can admit that my church isn't working, but knowing that is one thing. As I sat, upset and confused at Christmas Eve service, I knew in my heart that my home church no longer feels like my home. Verbalizing that was a huge deal for me. Huge. I just conquered identifying the main problem and I know what I should do. Taking the step to make it happen is scary. I don't know how the church will react, or even how my family will respond. I do know of a few churches where friends of mine attend, so I will be welcome wherever I go. I just have to find peace knowing that God has called me somewhere new. I don't know where that is exactly or what that means, but I trust that it is better than where I am right now.
These past few weeks I have been so busy letting go of what I don't need. Of what I can't take in a suitcase to Africa. Of what might hold me back from whatever God calls me to in the future. Dealing with the physical is easy, the intangible things take more work. This challenge is the next phase of my life clean-out so I can start 2014 with my best foot forward. I know it won't be easy, but I have faith that it will be worth it.
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