A Healing Heart

Last night I couldn't sleep. my heart was breaking. I had spent the weekend celebrating my best friend's wedding. the mother of the bride left the rehearsal dinner because the bows for the seat covers at the reception came in the wrong color. I never understood the materialization of contemporary weddings in Westernized countries, but after going to Africa...it's even more perplexing to me. for all the planning and decoration, why wasn't the reception more enjoyable? if all this stuff was to make the bride happy, why wasn't it ensuring happiness for the rest of us? while I had a great time dancing with the friends and family of the bride and groom, the moment I stopped the hollow feeling would return. Finally last night it hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss Africa. I miss speaking in Bemba. I miss having someone to speak in Bemba too. I miss being around people who took the time to really try to understand you and your feelings and help you understand how to use those feelings to grow. I miss being around people who understand what it is to live with so little, and the fact that it isn't so hard/difficult/miserable/impossible as western culture would have us believe.

I know God will use these feelings for something, so I give thanks for that, but I don't know where I'm going next, and that is the hardest part.

Just A Glimpse

Well kids, contrary to popular belief I have not fallen off the face of the earth. However, I have been a busy, busy bee. For the last month, I have been adjusting to my new responsibilities at work. The last few weeks I have managed to make it to the trail more often than not. I go before work a) because no one else is around and I enjoy the quiet time and b) because I'm much less likely to sunburn that early. I have also re-watched the entire Harry Potter series. I even watched the last four movies twice, because I can do what I want. Of course, now I have to reread them because you just can't cram all of those details into a 2+ hour movie. I have also been quilting. That's right: I watch Harry Potter while putting together patchworks. I'm 27 going on 77. But, as previously stated, I do what I want. My most recent finished project is my Bible cover, because I was tired of its dust cover looking much worse for wear. Here it is:

 front cover:

back cover:

I'd like to think it's very "me", whatever that entails. But I enjoy it, and I didn't have to buy a book cover that I wasn't crazy about, and I used fabric that was already lying around so it was a fun, easy project. I have a bunch of things I plan on making in the same theme, probably including something for my netbook and a purse. Also, I finally hemmed four pairs of pants that have been on my "to-do" list for...honestly, years [minus one pair of work pants that were a recent addition] what can I say? Short girl problems... I'm also getting ready to turn some of my dresses from my trip to Africa into skirts, that I'll hopefully get to wear in Africa again one day. And I'm going to get around to working on my chitenge. Busi gave me advice on sewing a string into the top to make it more secure. The chitenge will be the dark navy peacock print fabric, which I bought in the Kitwe Markets in Zambia. [And yes Dave, I still think that print is fabulous!]

Speaking of Africa, I also completed a 35 page scrapbook with photos, mementos, etc, from my two months there. And, contrary to popular belief, I am kind of creative sometimes. Ok maybe not creative persay, but I play with oil paints, which counts for some level of creativity, right? Anyway, I painted the scrapbook cover. I painted the Africa part around five years ago, and I got the idea for the rest in May.

Regardless of creativity, I had a blast painting and really like how it turned out. So there you have it: I read children's books, sew, scrapbook, and attempt to paint. Add cooking and baking to that list. Currently I have been testing out cookie recipes in order to decide what cookies I'm making for my best friend's wedding reception. Throw in a local Strawberry festival with my favorite dates: my two nephews!, celebrating my best friend's upcoming wedding with an afternoon of wine tasting and an evening cooking lesson with Miss Laurie, lots of catchup with my girlfriends and disc golf with good friends.

In a few weeks I'm giving a presentation on my Africa trip at my Church. It is mind-boggling to try and wrap my head around everything that I saw and experienced into one presentation, but figuring out how to do that is the next project on my agenda. I was reading through my first journal, but I need to go back and finish because, surprise surprise, I got distracted. It is hard to think about my mindset prior to my experiences in Africa compared to what it is now. In some ways, I haven't changed all that much, but in other ways I have changed dramatically. Night and day. I'm immensely thankful and grateful. I'm happy where I am at this moment, but there is always regret towards the past and apprehension when I think about the uncertainty of the future. When my best friend got engaged, I of course imaged where I would be in my life when we were celebrating her marriage, and where I am vs where I thought I would be couldn't be farther apart. The disappointment that goes along with that realization might be palatable, but the anger is my current stumbling block. It's all part of life though, and with some more time to enjoy life - by doing what I want when I want and living by my own rules, I'll sort my feelings out and be right as rain again. Being at home has been far from easy. I have ups and downs all the time. In all honesty, I'd rather be in Africa, but I have to admit that overall it's shaping up to be a pretty fun summer here at home. I'm trying to enjoy it while I can, because I have no idea what God has in store for my future!

she can't help but love him

She drives down on Sunset
With the windows down
Just so she can let it in
She knows he's far-gone now
But there still are pieces
Pieces there still left of him

He uses love like a bullet from a gun
She's careful like a surgeon
Everywhere he goes they all know to run
But she can't help but love him
Love him

Challenged

Let's just say, it has been one of those weeks.

The more I get rid of, the easier and more difficult it becomes to get rid of more. It is easier because I have already gotten rid of so much and I'm still living and breathing. It is more difficult because I have kept what I have kept because I deemed it "worthy" of being kept. While I might have considered it "worthy" it is all material and temporal. It is just stuff. Not nearly as important as serving people and building relationships - here or in Africa (and you all know I'm praying for Africa!)

Part of the problem is my attachment to these things, and the possibility that "I could use that." Part of the problem, and this is arguably the bigger part, is that my stuff is safe. It keeps me stuck in the same place. To take the leap and admit that it is indeed just stuff and can all be replaced. If I even decided I missed it after the fact and wished to replace it. The predicament remains: could I live without my stuff? Who would I be without my stuff? I am getting rid of my college textbooks, but I still have my notes. I have invested 6 years into my undergraduate education, plus 13 years for K - high school That's five years of early childhood, 19 years of schooling, and less than 3 years of life (thus far) after graduation. If I disregard my education, what is left? If I stopped allowing myself to fall into the same patterns, and stopped putting energy into the same frivolous things, what would happen next?

They say you have to be what you want to attract. I don't really know what I want to attract, but I know what I want to work towards: To let go of what is safe and embrace the unknown. To challenge myself to let go of how others think I should be or what I think I should be, or what I wish I could be and instead embrace how God created me, challenging myself to grow in the process. I organize everything. Over the past week I organized nearly all of the notes I had kept from college. Over the past year I have organized all of my financial documents. I organized all of my documents regarding Africa, regarding every prescription medication and every vaccination I got prior to my trip. Sitting here it occurs to me that it might be my inner control freak. If I let go of my stuff, I will have nothing to control and no parameters to manipulate. I will be relinquishing all control to God. What a thought...

Still

I am still cleaning, still purging. Slowly but surely reducing the amount of things I own. the things that I put energy into. The catch is embracing where I am in life and who I am in this season vs who I have been. Finding my identity in my potential, as a Christian, as a woman, and as a being, vs in the things I own. I've been having an internal debate dialogue about my textbooks. Should I sell them? Donate them? Keep them? What would be the point of keeping them? Will I actually ever use them again? The answer? I will probably never use them again. I'm not sure grad school is in my future. If it is, the books will probably be outdated. If I'm not sold on grad school, why would I bother keeping them? I think I still derive so much of my identity from school, despite having graduated nearly three years ago. Our society is so focused on what we do. It's all about our careers and how we make money. How much money we make. Not how we treat people, or how we enrich our lives with meaningful things. We obsess over the stock market and 401Ks and retirement. On bettering our lives in the future - but at the cost of diminishing our lives now. At least that's how things look from my perspective.

I have today off. I'm looking forward to it. To getting rid of yet more stuff. To challenging myself and hopefully opening myself up for growth, and shifted perspectives for the future. What's important vs what's not. Of embracing and focusing on what I can control or change, and not being distracted by things I cannot control. God has a plan for me, even when I don't know what it is.

Priceless

The Purge Continues

So, despite waking up at 3am and not functioning entirely well at work, I have somehow made it to 11:30pm: and it was a productive evening to boot! Having finished the closet purge, I was focused on other miscellaneous things that have been taking up space. Now I am on the verge of falling asleep at any given moment, but it was worth it! Now if only I had a box big enough to box all this stuff...