I just realized I didn't take any pictures. Good for me...bad for you.
Spending two months in Africa living out of a suitcase is good perspective. I took the largest suitcase I own. One I rarely use, because (ironically) I hate packing a lot of clothes. Even the guys had larger suitcases that I did. I left half of my shirts in Zambia. I left even more clothes in South Africa. Yet, somehow, the suitcase came home full. It boggles my mind! But I digress... those two months were very telling. I had limited clothes. Limited everything really. I had access to buy anything I needed, but only bought what I truly needed *gasp* because I was on a budget. because I was serving the people of Africa. My life wasn't solely wrapped up in my wants and needs.
Coming home I knew I had a lot of clothes. I knew I wanted to get rid of clothes. I knew I wanted to go back to Africa for a year, or more. If you've read my blog you know I am no stranger to closet purges. Yes, somehow, it is possible that I still have that many clothes left.
My initial week back in the country was all about survival. Making it to work. Staying awake on American time. That was it. I wanted to be kind to myself. [Read: I let myself be lazy.] My friend posted on facebook about going through her closet, and though it was something I knew I wanted - and needed - to do yet again, I didn't think I could handle it. [Read: I wasn't sure I would be decisive enough to make any progress.] But it kept nagging. I want to lose weight, so there was the thought that I could focus on losing weight and then revisit the closet. Except the nagging feeling persisted. I thought that maybe the nagging would overwhelm any motivation I had to work out. So I just started....
The place I work implemented a new dress code: only company work wear. Printed polos, etc. When I'm spending 40 hours a week in work clothes - that can only be official work clothes, it drastically reduces the opportunity I will have to wear my other clothes. Insert statistics about people and the fact that 80% of the time we only wear 20% of our wardrobe, etc etc etc. So I just started. [Read: I emptied out all of my drawers and my closet.] My ultimate goal would be to fit all of my wardrobe into one suitcase. Or as much as possible. I don't want to have an entire second wardrobe in storage long term, in the event that I do go back to Africa. I own some beautiful clothes. But they are just clothes. If I don't wear them, there really isn't a reason for me to even keep them. In a way, clothes are like spiritual gifts. [try to stick with me...] We talk so much about spiritual gifts, and how they aren't gifts unless you give them away. If I have the gift of hospitality but I don't use it, it isn't really a gift because no one is benefiting from it. If I don't wear the clothes in my closet, they aren't adding anything to my life. In this case, you can argue that they are detracting from my life. Using up space in my world without anything to show for it. And if I believe my clothes are that beautiful (which I do) but I am not wearing most of them (which I am not) then I should give them away so someone else can have the chance to wear them, right? Right.
So it began. I ruthlessly, quickly sorted through my clothes. Keep. Donate. Toss. Keep. Donate. Toss. I didn't take pictures. Maybe I should have, but I have already taken everything to charity this morning. Before I could question my decisions. Out with the old, in with the...currently owned. I'm not even done. [yikes...] The majority of my clothes are still in limbo, waiting to be put away. After I had delivered the latest conquests from my closet, I wrote a list of criteria the remaining items should meet in order to retain their place in my closet. I'll go through the rest of the clothes as I put them away, or in the next donation pile. Then I have to go through my shoes... And my books, and my 'stuff' ie anything that doesn't fit into a specific category and has yet to be specifically addressed.
Also, as excited as I am about cleaning out my closet - and I am! - it is a big weekend! One of my best friend's is graduating from graduate school today! And the Missionary Ladies are having their annual Spaghetti Dinner (the tastiest spaghetti ever - it's made with love!) And my best friend is coming home this weekend! I haven't seen her for three months!!! Who's excited??? THIS GIRL!!!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
My Heart is Breaking...
My heart is breaking in the most painful, most unexpected way.
I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.
My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.
Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.
My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.
It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.
It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.
I just went to a youth group meeting at my Church. My kids told me that they hadn't met the entire time I was in Africa. It was also painfully obvious that they didn't want to be there. They weren't enjoying themselves and they weren't motivated. We tried to talk about future mission trips. The majority of them are not interested in doing anything that takes them away from home. Because they can't sit that long. Because they don't want to leave home. Because it is a waste of money.
My pride stings. It is as if I was slapped in the face.
Of course, my heart hurts that they are not open to experiencing those things. They have no problem going away from home for a canoeing weekend... but to engage in mission work? Nope. One of the boys argued that we could help people locally. That is very true, and I don't discount that, but going away for a mission trip you rely on each other for that time. No internet, sometimes no phone reception, no TV...just fellowship. They have done local missions, but it ends up being so broken up. People don't have to take a full week off of work to attend, so they don't. People are in and out all the time.
My heart also hurts because I realize that I am part of the problem. I too need to accept that not everyone is as eager to travel as I am. As eager to forsake what is comfortable and experience something unfamiliar. I have always loved seeing how other people live, seeing the world as they see it. Walking in someone else's shoes, if only for a moment. But we have all been created to be different, and it is not fair for me to impose my desires onto those around me.
It just pains me that they are so opposed to traveling for mission work. I have gone to Washington, DC, and New Orleans. To South Africa and Zambia. I have tried to show them a glimpse of the world outside of Pennsylvania. It feels like they haven't paid attention at all. Like it is okay for me to go and do those things and have those experiences, but they are not interested.
It is a pride thing, but it is also a lesson I must learn. Again and again.
God has a plan that I cannot imagine. I must meet people where they are and accept them as is, even when that is not where I would like them to be.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Look Stupid
I have no qualms about looking stupid, making myself look stupid even - repeatedly! But, I think the tides just maybe, just maybe are turning! :-)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Growing Pains and Growth
Well here is the hard part.
Today was an absolutely beautiful 70 degree day here in Western PA. I pulled back my curtains and opened my windows. I did manage to do my laundry, and pull out a few things I need to get rid of after my breakup, but not much else. I have no energy or motivation. And now I am thoroughly enjoying a spring thunderstorm. My windows are still open, so I'm hopeless now. Cool breeze coming in and the sound of the rain. Perfection. I should sleep amazingly well tonight, if nothing else. That is the silver lining I suppose. I won't get a thing done, but I'll rest exceptionally well. Maybe that's what I need: an evening of absolutely nothing. Of just being.
I am not good at just being. Of just sitting. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm avoiding something that I should be doing. Normally the only one dictating what I should be doing is me though. I will come up with things that I should be doing, probably just because I feel like I need to be doing. I was better about doing 'nothing' when I was in Africa. Maybe because I was out of my usual parameters, and there wasn't a lot that needed to be done, in terms of things around the house, etc. And here I am: back at home, back to my old habits. I want to strive to keep some habits from Africa though. One of the habits I will strive for is the schedule:
-Monday morning: Morning Prayer (and Mens Prayer, but that's not relevant to me)
-Tuesday morning: Ladies Prayer
-Wednesday morning: Small Group
-Thursday morning: nothing!
-Friday morning: Digging Deeper/Hands on Deck/Word & Worship/Valley Prayer/Village Prayer...(it rotates)
SO, while I am still trying to figure out how to continue this schedule by myself, I know what will fill my Tuesday slot. My intention is to devote an hour on Tuesdays reading The Resolution for Women. I bought it awhile ago. I even started reading it once, but didn't get far. It's just been sitting on my bookshelf. Waiting. I'm not sure exactly what I think about it, I mostly bought it on a whim. My hope is that, if nothing else, it will be thought provoking. That it will challenge my perspective of myself and the world around me, and help me grow. I'm not sure how quickly, or slowly, I will get through it. It could really go either way: it might be a simple and straightforward quick read or it might be something that I spend time digesting after each chapter. Only time will tell, but either way I have several other books to read once I've finished that one.
Here I sit. Still listening to the rain and feeling amazingly relaxed. Or maybe I'm just tired. Either way, today, I'll take it.
Today was an absolutely beautiful 70 degree day here in Western PA. I pulled back my curtains and opened my windows. I did manage to do my laundry, and pull out a few things I need to get rid of after my breakup, but not much else. I have no energy or motivation. And now I am thoroughly enjoying a spring thunderstorm. My windows are still open, so I'm hopeless now. Cool breeze coming in and the sound of the rain. Perfection. I should sleep amazingly well tonight, if nothing else. That is the silver lining I suppose. I won't get a thing done, but I'll rest exceptionally well. Maybe that's what I need: an evening of absolutely nothing. Of just being.
I am not good at just being. Of just sitting. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm avoiding something that I should be doing. Normally the only one dictating what I should be doing is me though. I will come up with things that I should be doing, probably just because I feel like I need to be doing. I was better about doing 'nothing' when I was in Africa. Maybe because I was out of my usual parameters, and there wasn't a lot that needed to be done, in terms of things around the house, etc. And here I am: back at home, back to my old habits. I want to strive to keep some habits from Africa though. One of the habits I will strive for is the schedule:
-Monday morning: Morning Prayer (and Mens Prayer, but that's not relevant to me)
-Tuesday morning: Ladies Prayer
-Wednesday morning: Small Group
-Thursday morning: nothing!
-Friday morning: Digging Deeper/Hands on Deck/Word & Worship/Valley Prayer/Village Prayer...(it rotates)
SO, while I am still trying to figure out how to continue this schedule by myself, I know what will fill my Tuesday slot. My intention is to devote an hour on Tuesdays reading The Resolution for Women. I bought it awhile ago. I even started reading it once, but didn't get far. It's just been sitting on my bookshelf. Waiting. I'm not sure exactly what I think about it, I mostly bought it on a whim. My hope is that, if nothing else, it will be thought provoking. That it will challenge my perspective of myself and the world around me, and help me grow. I'm not sure how quickly, or slowly, I will get through it. It could really go either way: it might be a simple and straightforward quick read or it might be something that I spend time digesting after each chapter. Only time will tell, but either way I have several other books to read once I've finished that one.
Here I sit. Still listening to the rain and feeling amazingly relaxed. Or maybe I'm just tired. Either way, today, I'll take it.
Day Off!
Well after just one day back at work, I already have a day off!
I get to do about three loads of laundry. Put away all the random articles within my luggage.
Go to the grocery store for a few things. And go to Sheetz.
I am going to eat a delightful amount of food from Sheetz!
I'm going to eat my food from Sheetz while watching American TV,
as I pick up my life and put the pieces back together.
It's the little things, people!
I get to do about three loads of laundry. Put away all the random articles within my luggage.
Go to the grocery store for a few things. And go to Sheetz.
I am going to eat a delightful amount of food from Sheetz!
I'm going to eat my food from Sheetz while watching American TV,
as I pick up my life and put the pieces back together.
It's the little things, people!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Hit the ground running...
I picked up my life right where I left it.
I went back to work today. With my old co-workers at my old job.
It was easier than I thought. Too easy.
When you aren't doing something, sometimes you forget how good you are at it.
Our CEO even commented that she was surprised at how easily I picked up where I had left off.
No stupid questions. I didn't forget how to do anything.
My manager said she wasn't surprised at all. She called me a rockstar.
Being home is amazing, and awful.
It reminds me how much of love home.
It was a perfect Pennsylvania spring day. The day that makes you believe winter is truly over,
but it is still cool and calm. Not the busy, frenzy of summer just yet. Just blissful.
It reminds me how much I'll be leaving behind when I go back to Africa. Or anywhere.
The heart is so strong and yet so weak. Able to withstand great change and brave vastly foreign circumstances, and then be broken at the drop of a beloved familiar hat.
What a confusing, devoted love.
I worked a full shift. It was great to be back.
In my element. With my co-workers. With our customers.
It made my heart happy, and sad.
I survived without relying too much on caffeine.
But at this point, I am barely awake.
And probably not making sense. [Not that I'm convinced I ever make sense, but I digress...]
I have the day off tomorrow. This means I can sleep in. And do laundry. And a million other things.
And, of course, blog.
I went back to work today. With my old co-workers at my old job.
It was easier than I thought. Too easy.
When you aren't doing something, sometimes you forget how good you are at it.
Our CEO even commented that she was surprised at how easily I picked up where I had left off.
No stupid questions. I didn't forget how to do anything.
My manager said she wasn't surprised at all. She called me a rockstar.
Being home is amazing, and awful.
It reminds me how much of love home.
It was a perfect Pennsylvania spring day. The day that makes you believe winter is truly over,
but it is still cool and calm. Not the busy, frenzy of summer just yet. Just blissful.
It reminds me how much I'll be leaving behind when I go back to Africa. Or anywhere.
The heart is so strong and yet so weak. Able to withstand great change and brave vastly foreign circumstances, and then be broken at the drop of a beloved familiar hat.
What a confusing, devoted love.
I worked a full shift. It was great to be back.
In my element. With my co-workers. With our customers.
It made my heart happy, and sad.
I survived without relying too much on caffeine.
But at this point, I am barely awake.
And probably not making sense. [Not that I'm convinced I ever make sense, but I digress...]
I have the day off tomorrow. This means I can sleep in. And do laundry. And a million other things.
And, of course, blog.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Call Me Courageous
A little Dave Barnes to commemorate this moment:
('this moment' being the first time waking up in my bed in North America in two months and all the things said and unsaid that goes along with that)
Call me courageous
Cause that's what I'm trying to be
We'll break through our silence
It's breaking its way through me
Without you I'm a sinner
Without you I'm a saint
Without you I can't do it
Without you I just can't
('this moment' being the first time waking up in my bed in North America in two months and all the things said and unsaid that goes along with that)
Call me courageous
Cause that's what I'm trying to be
We'll break through our silence
It's breaking its way through me
Without you I'm a sinner
Without you I'm a saint
Without you I can't do it
Without you I just can't
Growing a Gracious Heart: Part 1
So I am home, and awake. I am basically on EST for the most part. I'm still awake at 5am, but I'll deal.
Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.
I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.
I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.
I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.
[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]
food for my thoughts:
the definition of grace:
Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.
I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.
I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.
I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.
[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]
food for my thoughts:
the definition of grace:
a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification
b : a virtue coming from God
c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
listed synonym: mercy
the meaning of gracious:
adjective: Courteous, kind, and pleasant, esp. toward someone of lower social status.
the meaning of generous:
adjective: (of a person) Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.
I will have to elaborate on this later. My brain is definitely back on EST and things don't seem to be coming together at this early hour. I'm sure my heart is going somewhere with this, but my brain can't seem to figure it out. So for now I might get some tea and snuggle back into bed with Angelina. to be continued...
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Home
After a long series of flights, including an unexpected delay, I am home.
Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...
Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.
I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.
I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...
It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.
Home. With all my own things.
With my cat, who is adorable, sweet, and full of personality. She sometimes acts more like a dog than a cat.
With our teapot that heats up water to the perfect temperature. No more waiting for my tea to cool or sneaking in some ice cubes.
With my French horn I haven't played since Christmas. With my guitar that I have to learn how to play...
Things don't matter. My cat survived these last two months without me. I can deal with having hot water that is too hot and burning my tongue on a nearly daily basis. I might have to seriously consider taking my French horn to Africa when I go back. You know, mix things up a bit.
I don't feel jet lagged. I do feel like I'm coming down with something. A cold or perhaps another respiratory infection. Maybe flying just does that to you.
I do feel motivated to clean my room. Or at least spruce it up. I haven't lived here for two months, there isn't really anything that needs to be cleaned per-say. Some of my plants have dropped leaves. Yes, I have plants. My African Zebra plant is looking especially sad and in need of some TLC. My fish tanks are in need of some attention. I need to take down some pictures and get rid of some mementos. I need to sell some of my possessions. Living in another country makes you realize what is really important and what isn't. I need to unpack, and do my laundry. I need to update my digital photo frame with my Africa pictures. I need to decide what pictures I will print out. To keep Africa fresh in my heart. What I have seen, experienced, and learned. About Africa and myself. My parents say there is a lot of interest in the work I was doing with Hands. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'll find out tomorrow I suppose...
It won't all happen today. It can't all happen today. Even without jet lag, I probably have 2, 3 hours tops before I fall asleep. My mind was also working on the flights. I have even more to blog about, but I'll need to process more first. But for now, I am in my North American home. I'll make the most of it for as long as God keeps me here.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Last Hours
I'm down to my last hours in Africa.
Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.
After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.
After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.
I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV]
I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real.
I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.
So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home.
I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.
But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family.
But first...
4 “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. 5 They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. 6 And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. 7 This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. 8 Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
9 “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. 10 And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. 11 Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
12 “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. 13 About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. 14 We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
19 “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. 20 First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. 21 That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. 22 But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— 23 that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
25 “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
28 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
29 Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
30 The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. 31 After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
32 Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”
Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.
After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.
After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.
I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV]
I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real.
I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.
So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home.
I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.
But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family.
But first...
Acts 26
New International Version (NIV)
26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”
So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: 2 “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, 3 and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.4 “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. 5 They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. 6 And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. 7 This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. 8 Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
9 “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. 10 And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. 11 Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
12 “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. 13 About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. 14 We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
19 “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. 20 First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. 21 That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. 22 But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— 23 that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
25 “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
28 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
29 Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
30 The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. 31 After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
32 Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Without you I’m just miles away...
They were sitting
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious
They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious
They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing
Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing
People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time
Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time
Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away
Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Gratitude and Growing Pains: Gotta Go Through It
Since returning to South Africa I have gotten to catch up with everyone who is still here. I have said goodbye to three people, and met a few others for the first time. I've had a lot of downtime, which feels really bizarre, but I've also been able to get out a lot. It has been a girls weekend: Friday night I went to see 'Anna Karenina' in Casterbridge with Robyn, Marj, and Oumie, Saturday I went into White River to go shopping and have lunch with Alicia, Ashley, Kristi, and Marj, and today I went to the Anglican Church with Cat and Marj. Church was done so early! I actually took a nap today. I think I'm a bit worn down at the moment. I finished my round of antibiotics in Zambia, but my cough still persists - not that that should impact my energy level. I think I'm mostly just tired from everything though. I think I am emotionally tired from everything that has happened in the last two months. I'm emotionally apprehensive about going home. Not going home in itself, but the expectation of emotions that will flood my thought process.
It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me
Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.
Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.
I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post. It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!
It's hard to wrap my head around everything that has happened these last two months:
-coming to South Africa - which I obviously knew about ahead of time
-being sent to Zambia - which was not on my radar at all
-breaking up with my boyfriend - which was the last thing I intended. I actually prayed, pleaded really, for it to not happen.
-all the fall out and emotions following the breakup
-having to deal with unmet expectations and being the reason they won't be met
-feeling emotionally beat up, while at the same time feeling spiritually empowered
-being painfully aware of my character flaws, either intrinsically or being reminded by the people around me
Thursday, during my flight, I was reading the complementary magazine. It had an article about gratitude. Gratitude has been on my heart recently, especially as I've written quite a few self-deprecating posts recently. I think it's a fine line between knowing you are screwed up in a healthy context and belittling yourself to the point that you minimize God's work in it all. Anyway, so there was this article about gratitude. I think gratitude is something I struggle with. Not in the sense that I am ungrateful for what I have, but that I am always focused on what I don't have. I need to purposefully make time to list what I am thankful for and how I have already been blessed. I will say that despite everything, all the ups and downs of the last two months, I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful for how my life has changed, even if I can't be sure of all of the implications just yet.
Friday morning was Word & Worship. It was very relevant for me as George was talking about growing pains. He was referencing the growth we have gone through together during Lent and the 40 Days of Prayer and the growing pains that we will soon feel as our flesh struggles to coexist with our rejuvenated spirit. It certainly applies to the last two months in general though. My heart and my mind have made such strides, but my body is lagging. It doesn't understand. Sometimes my actions feel foreign. My body is going through the motions, but it is confused. My heart understands the experiences and growth I have encountered here, but my flesh doesn't. It doesn't understand the things I have learned or the choices I have made. Every once in awhile, I will catch myself asking how I got here. 'Here' being in Africa working in orphan care and having broken up with my boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry. Of course I got here by the grace of God, and here is exactly where I am meant to be at this moment. My flesh still doesn't understand, and my spirit has become weary from the struggle.
I should reference a Bible passage, but to be honest I am tired. That isn't an excuse. If it were, it would be a terrible one. It is just truly exhausting. I feel like I could sleep for days. I am thankful Jesus showed more determination and perseverance than I am displaying in this moment (or could ever display!) I just feel as though I could sleep for days. In lieu of a Bible verse, I will tell you go read this blog post. It is the third thing this week that is just so appropriate. It is obvious God is trying to encourage me. I can only hope that he will try to rejuvenate my energy level next!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
South Africa
I am back in South Africa!!!
It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!
It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...
It is freezing here compared to Kitwe!!! I'm wearing long pants and a hoodie, not because I'm trying to keep covered to prevent mosquito bites, but because it's that cold!
It is also quiet! No one is here, at least 'no one' compared to the usual amount of people here. Which is bad. I won't be able to say goodbye to everyone (the people who have already left) BUT this is good because it means I won't have to say goodbye to everyone. It means I will have time to process what has happened over the last eight weeks, and what will happen in the coming months. But, that is all you get for now, because it is nearly 1:30AM here in South Africa and that means I should really try to get some sleep...
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