Last night I had dinner with Emily and Divine. Emily made me kapenta, shima, cabbage, chakalaka and brussel sprouts as my final African dinner. She then offered me an Australian cookie for dessert, but I digress... Dinner was great. I love Emily, and Divine. I'll miss them both terribly.
After dinner, Emily and I had some girl talk. It's always nice just to sit and talk with another woman. Don't get me wrong, it's nice talking to guys too. And I probably talk more openly to guys more frequently. There is just something special talking woman to woman though. We talked about how God has moved in my life: Africa, America, friendships, relationships... It was just nice, and the timing couldn't have been better as I'm preparing to leave our safe little community and return to America. An America that doesn't understand Africa. Or the Christian community with try to pursue.
After my procrastination, I am finally packed. I went down to the Village for my last prayer meeting this morning. Everyone shared what they learned about me, or why they liked having me here. I shouldn't be surprised, because since arriving here I've been constantly reminded that I don't see myself the way others see me, but I was. I was surprised that the common theme people commented on was my character. How I don't show panic or frustration. How I'm steady. Which is humbling, because I still look back on my first month and imagine a chicken running around with it's head cut off.
I am much harder on myself than is necessary. Peter, from Nigeria!, discussed Jesus' Crucifixion this morning. How if Jesus came back, he wouldn't return to the cross - because that is already complete. Jesus paid all he could pay for our sins.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 6:23 [NIV]
I deserved to die but, through the sacrifice of Christ, God has been able to forgive me for my sins. It is one thing to know God has forgiven me. It is even one thing to forgive others. My stumbling block is the struggle to forgive myself. Admitting that requires admitting deeper wounds. Wounds that I thought, or hoped, had healed. Wounds that I have to admit are still very real.
I spent most of my time in Africa not paying attention to these wounds actually. I really thought I was okay. It's only in the last two weeks that things began to slowly unravel. It began with writing a letter. The letter is still in my possession. Of course I had every intention of delivering it. I set out to write it being completely vulnerable and honest. As I was writing it, I felt that the point was for me to write it. It was more important for me to allow myself to put those things down on paper that was intended for the eyes of someone else than it was for the paper to actually make it to that person. Upon arriving back to the Village, I was in culture shock. The Village was practically deserted, compared to when I arrived. But there were still enough people around. The right people to cause me to notice things about my own behavior. Then I had to question why I behave that way. The answer? The wounds I thought were healed.
So here I am. Sitting on the floor of Cat's room in the ladies house, sitting on my laptop next to my luggage and a pile of papers I need to put into one of my carry-on bags. Aware that some people are thrilled for my desire to come back, and hoping that it will be possible. Aware that some people don't seem quite so thrilled - but also aware that they are probably just hard for me to read. And that I'm the last person who should pass any judgment on how those people around me choose to communicate their emotions. Aware of my wounds. Aware that I will have three plane rides by myself to think and journal and process. Before finally landing at home. Or what used to be my home. For now I'm just going to say it's my parents home.
I would love to come back to Africa. I keep thinking back to Marc's story. He initially came for a two month period, like me. His first two trips were two months in length. After that he decided to come back for a longer period. I remember him discussing his struggle to discern whether he merely wanted to come back or if God was calling him back for a purpose. I feel hopeful that I will be called back, but I also wonder if part of me is so attracted to Africa because it is an easy out. Like running away. I don't realistically think that is it. Still, I want to be sure. I want to be convicted that if I come back it is for the right time and the right reasons and because God has called me back. Not just because I'm 8,000 miles from home and everyone I know and all of their expectations for my life.
But that answer will come in time. For now, I have to go home. I don't exactly want to go home, but I feel the timing is right. I need to deal with the decisions I have made in Africa. How they will affect those whom I love. My parents, my brothers, my dear nephews, and my friends. I was talking to a friend last night and told him that I hope to come back. He is a Christian and wants to be supportive, but I don't think he understands. He said that there are lots of people who have been missing me here (here being the States.) I don't doubt that is true. It's just different. I trust that my loved ones are all capable of going on without me. Of living and growing and thriving. I have always traveled far from home to make a difference in the lives of people who couldn't do it on their own. But it is hard. The idea that I might choose Africa over my family. Or a different country over my family.
But first...
Acts 26
New International Version (NIV)
26 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.”
So Paul motioned with his hand and began his defense: 2 “King Agrippa, I consider myself fortunate to stand before you today as I make my defense against all the accusations of the Jews, 3 and especially so because you are well acquainted with all the Jewish customs and controversies. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently.4 “The Jewish people all know the way I have lived ever since I was a child, from the beginning of my life in my own country, and also in Jerusalem. 5 They have known me for a long time and can testify, if they are willing, that I conformed to the strictest sect of our religion, living as a Pharisee. 6 And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our ancestors that I am on trial today. 7 This is the promise our twelve tribes are hoping to see fulfilled as they earnestly serve God day and night. King Agrippa, it is because of this hope that these Jews are accusing me. 8 Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the dead?
9 “I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. 10 And that is just what I did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many of the Lord’s people in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast my vote against them. 11 Many a time I went from one synagogue to another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to blaspheme. I was so obsessed with persecuting them that I even hunted them down in foreign cities.
12 “On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. 13 About noon, King Agrippa, as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions. 14 We all fell to the ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic,[a] ‘Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’
15 “Then I asked, ‘Who are you, Lord?’
“ ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,’ the Lord replied. 16 ‘Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen and will see of me. 17 I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I am sending you to them 18 to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
19 “So then, King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the vision from heaven. 20 First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and then to the Gentiles, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds. 21 That is why some Jews seized me in the temple courts and tried to kill me. 22 But God has helped me to this very day; so I stand here and testify to small and great alike. I am saying nothing beyond what the prophets and Moses said would happen— 23 that the Messiah would suffer and, as the first to rise from the dead, would bring the message of light to his own people and to the Gentiles.”
24 At this point Festus interrupted Paul’s defense. “You are out of your mind, Paul!” he shouted. “Your great learning is driving you insane.”
25 “I am not insane, most excellent Festus,” Paul replied. “What I am saying is true and reasonable. 26 The king is familiar with these things, and I can speak freely to him. I am convinced that none of this has escaped his notice, because it was not done in a corner. 27 King Agrippa, do you believe the prophets? I know you do.”
28 Then Agrippa said to Paul, “Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?”
29 Paul replied, “Short time or long—I pray to God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.”
30 The king rose, and with him the governor and Bernice and those sitting with them. 31 After they left the room, they began saying to one another, “This man is not doing anything that deserves death or imprisonment.”
32 Agrippa said to Festus, “This man could have been set free if he had not appealed to Caesar.”
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