Everything is exactly how I left it, yet nothing feels the same.
My brain is working a mile a minute. Processing through what I've learned and what I need to do.
I need to unpack and do laundry. I need to unpack stuff that had been boxed at home and sell what I can.
I need to dramatically change the happy little life I have created for myself here. Shake things up.
I need to grow a gracious heart.
I need grace in my heart to understand that everyone I love at home can't understand what I've seen and experienced in Africa. They can read my blog and see my pictures, but they haven't been there. It is easy to look at pictures, talk about how amazing they are, and forget when they go about their daily lives.
I need grace in my heart to understand that I saw what God wanted me to see. I was the first of our intake to go home, so in the next few weeks I'll see pictures of everyone else still together, still in Africa. I believe I was in Africa at the right time, for the right length of time. For what God wanted me to learn, and how he wanted to work in my heart. I need to focus on what I have been blessed with, and not distracted by what might have been.
I need grace in my heart for the season that comes next. The post-Africa season. The season that I find myself back in America, for as long as that is the case. Embracing the materialistic lifestyle here and realizing that's okay. It might not be okay for me, but the people I love most haven't been where I have been or seen what I have seen. God works in each of us differently at different times for different reasons. My best friend is having a fancy-schmancy, blow-out wedding. It's not what I would want, but it's what she wants. I want to be happy for her. Where she is at in this season of her life. Only time will tell what God has in store for her future, but she is so in love. I can appreciate how precious it is to find someone who will love you throughout, and in spite of, all your faults. Who will be by your side through it all. Who will support you in all your decisions, and adjust with the life-changing twists and turns. I haven't found that relationship yet, but I can have hope. It's a blessing I haven't found it. I'm probably not ready yet, but I'm getting closer.
[side note: it's 5:30am, meaning it's 11:30am in Africa. I feel like I could eat a horse. not really, but I am really, really hungry. and Angelina is sleeping on the bed with me, at my feet, looking quite schmoopy.]
food for my thoughts:
the definition of grace:
a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification
b : a virtue coming from God
c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
listed synonym: mercy
the meaning of gracious:
adjective: Courteous, kind, and pleasant, esp. toward someone of lower social status.
the meaning of generous:
adjective: (of a person) Showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.
I will have to elaborate on this later. My brain is definitely back on EST and things don't seem to be coming together at this early hour. I'm sure my heart is going somewhere with this, but my brain can't seem to figure it out. So for now I might get some tea and snuggle back into bed with Angelina. to be continued...
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